英语笑话大全

1. Good Boy 好孩子

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave

you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are

you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who lls the candy."

2. Are you going to treat me? 请我吃饭?

An American actress came to China for the first time. One day when she was looking for her

new Chine friend after a performance, she came across an anxious Chine who had always

wanted to practice his English with native speakers, but had never found the chance. When he

saw the actress, he went up and exchanged greetings, then started his practice. “How old are

you?”

“I’m sorry. Plea don’t ask a lady about her age,” the actress said

uneasily.

“How much do you earn each month?” the Chine tried hard to recall this ntence from his

textbook.

“Sorry again. We don’t feel like telling others about that either, “ she again refud

to answer.

“Have you had lunch?” the Chine tried again to show his traditional way of

greeting.

“No, are you planning to treat me to a meal?’ she asked in surpri.

3. Nest and Hair 鸟巢和头发

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had

built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

"I didn't e the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

"Well, ma'am, it just rembles your hair. "

4. I've Just Bitten My Tongue 我咬了舌头

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cau I've just bitten my tongue! "

1) poisonous adj.有毒的

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(2) Cau I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cau 是

Becau 的缩略形式。

5. Real money

Not long after an old Chine woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter

in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her.

At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to e if the money was real.

It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, saying. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They

are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

6. The mean(吝啬) man's party.

The mean man finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his

apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.

When the door open, push with your foot." "Why u my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

7. Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for tho about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement

community. Everybody el is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be

moved, lifted or loaded, they yell, "Get the kid."

8. Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.

When I finally entered the hou, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in

the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

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9. One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker,

"Attention, pasngers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach

London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a

result."

Shortly thereafter, the pasngers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks.

We just lost our third engine, but plea be assured we can fly with only one. We will

now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one pasnger became angry and shouted, "If we lo another engine,

we'll be up here all night!"

10. Logic Reasoning 逻辑推理

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river,

fishing. He los his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling

g for help. His wife hears the cry, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.

Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raid her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

11. Two Birds两只鸟

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell

us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Plea tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

12. A Woman Who Fell摔倒的女人

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal

- As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her

footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her

clo to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining

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her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women

failing at your feet?"

13.

The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled娇生惯养 . Then came his first day of

school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.

When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.

"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?"

"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"

14 . I Wasn't Asleep 我没有睡着

When a group of women got on the busr, every at was already occupied. The

conductor saw a man who emed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he

shook him and said: "Wake up, sir!"

"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.

"Not asleep? But you had your eyes clod."

"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me."

15. Where is the father?

Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice the paintings are!"

"Yes," said the younger, "but in all the paintings there is only the mother and the

children. Where is the father?"

The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was

painting the pictures."

Lion and the Mou 狮子与报恩的老鼠

A LION was awakened from sleep by a Mou running over his face. Rising up angrily,

he caught him and was about to kill him, when the Mou said "If you would only spare

my life, I would be sure to repay your kindness." The Lion laughed and let him go. It

happened shortly after this that the Lion was caught by some hunters, who bound him

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by strong ropes to the ground. The Mou, recognizing his roar, came and gnawed the

rope with his teeth and t him free,

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醉酒

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was

interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked,

"What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look,

there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am

drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

ality好客

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for rving an apple-pie without any

chee. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with

a piece of chee which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the chee

into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny.

Where did you find the chee?" "In the rat-trap捕鼠夹, sir," replied the boy.

18. The Are My Jeans那是我的裤子!

After going on a diet，a woman felt really good about herlf----especially when she was

able to fit into a pair of jeans she had outgrown long ago．

“Look，look．” she shouted while running downstairs to show her husband．“I can wear

my old jeans again．”

Her husband looked at her for a long time，when said，“Honey，I love you，but the

are my jeans．”

morning a countryman went to his goo’s nest, and saw a yellow

and glittering egg there. He took the egg home. To his delight, he found

that it was an egg of pure gold. Every morning the same thing occurred,

and he soon became rich by lling his eggs. The countryman became more

and more greedy(贪婪). He wanted to get all the gold at once, so he killed

the goo. But when he looked inside, he found nothing in its body.

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20. There was a big fight between the birds and the beasts. The bat did

not join in the fight. Some birds said to the bat, “Come with us.”

But he replied, “I am a beast.” Later on, some beasts said to him,

“Come with us” But he replied, “I am a bird.” At last the fighting

ended peacefully. The bat first went to the birds, and wanted to join

in the celebration, but they all turned against him. He then went to

the beasts, but was also driven away.

21.A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son,

who had not yet talked. They took him to doctors, but the doctors found

nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly

said, “Mom, the bread is burned.” “You talked!” shouted his mother.

“I am so happy. But why has it taken this long?” “Well, up till

now,”said the boy, “ Things have been okay.”

ion

A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach. “Well, sit down and

eat your tea,”said the mom. “Your stomach’s hurting becau it is

empty. It’ll be all right when you have got something in it.”

Shortly afterwards Dad returned, complaining of a headache.

“That is becau it is empty,” said his bright son. “You would be

all right if you had something in it.

23. Julie was saying her bedtime prayer. “Plea God” she said, “Make

the Naples the capital of Italy. Make the Naples the capital of Italy.”

Her mother interrupted and said, “Julie, why do you want God to make

Naples the capital of Italy?” And Julie replied, “Becau that’s what

I put in my geography exam!”

24. The parents with their three-year-old son went to e film. When

they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them, “you will have

to go out if your son cries. But we will refund you the tickets.” About

half an hour later, the husband asked the wife, “What do you think of

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the film?” “I have never en such a boring film.” His wife answered.

“It is not worth eing.” “I do not think much of it, either.” The

husband said. “Wake the child up and let him cry.”

25. The teacher told the class the story of a man who swam a river three

times before breakfast. Johnny laughed. “Do you doubt that a good

swimmer could do that?” asked the teacher. “No, sir, but I wonder why

he did not swim it four times and get back to the side where his clothes

were.”

26. Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum.

“Share them with your sister, “she said. So Harry gave the small one

to his little sister and started touching into the large one. “Brother

Harry, if Mum had given them to me I would have given the large one to

you and had the small one mylf.” “Well, that’s what you have got,

so what are you worrying?”said Harry.

27.A young man asked the computer to find him a perfect wife: “I want

a girl who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group

activities.”

Back came the answer, “Marry a penguin.”(企鹅)

28.

A young mother believed that it was very wrong to waste any food when

there were so many hungry people in the world. One evening, she was giving

her small daughterher tea before putting her to bed. First she gave her a slice

of fresh brown bread and butter, but the child said that she did not want it like

that. She asked for some jam on her bread as mother looked at her

for a few conds and then said, When I was a small girl like you, Lucy, I was

always given either bread and butter, or bread and jam, but never bread with

butter and looked at her mother for a few moments with pity in her

eyes and then said to her kindly, Aren't you plead that you've come to live

with us now

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29. Reggie: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play

with him?

Ron: Well, I don't know---does he bite?

Reggie: That's what I want to find out.

30. One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around

the country roads, e how the farms looked, and perhaps to e how farmers

earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in

his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.

The city man said to the farmer," I e that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that

quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"

31 Englishman

Once, late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor

of a hotel and asked the rvant to bring him a glass of water. The rvant did

as he was asked. The Englishman re-entered his room, but a few minutes

later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the rvant for a

glass of water. The rvant brought him another glass of water. Every few

minutes the Englishmen would come out of his room and repeat his request.

After a half-hour the astonished rvant decided to ask the Englishman what

he was doing with the water. "Nothing," the Englishman answered

imperturbably, "It’s simply that my room is on fire.".

32. Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream

last night that I'd pasd today's exam.""Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said

what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother

replied."Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom

said.

33. Five Months Older

The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he

was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18.

So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.

But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same

doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family

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name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprid.

"How old are you?" he said.

"Eighteen, sir," said John.

"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"

"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months

older than I am."

34. Mr. Jones had a few days’ holiday, so he said, ―I’m going to go to the

mountains by train.‖ He put on his best clothes, took a small bag, went to the

station and got on the train. He had a beautiful hat, and he often put his head

out of the window during the trip and looked at the mountains. But the wind

pulled his hat off. Mr. Jones quickly took his old bag and threw that out of the

window too. The other people in the carriage laughed. ―Is your bag going to

bring your beautiful hat back‖ they asked. ―No,‖ Mr. Jones answered, ―but

there’s no name and no address in my hat, and there’s a name and address on

the bag. Someone’s going to find both of them near each other, and he’s going

to nd me the bag and the hat.‖

35. An old lady went out shopping last Tuesday. She came to a bank and saw

a car near the door. A man got out of it and went into the bank. She looked

into the car. The keys were in the lock. The old lady took the keys and followed

the man into the bank. The man took a gun out of his pocket and said to the

clerk, ―Give me all the money.‖

But the old lady did not e this. She went to the man, put the keys in his

hand and said, ―Young man, you’re stupid! Never leave your keys in your car:

someone’s going to steal it!‖ The man looked at the old woman for a few

conds. Then he looked at the clerk—and then he took his keys, ran out of

the bank, got into his car and drove away quickly, without any money.

36. Mary was an English girl, but she lived in Rome. She was six years old.

Last year her mother said to her, ―You’re six years old now, Mary, and you’re

going to begin going to a school here. You’re going to like it very much,

becau it’s a nice school.‖ ―Is it an English school‖ Mary asked.‖ Yes, it is,‖ her

mother said. Mary went to the school, and enjoyed her lessons. Her mother

always took her to school in the morning and brought her home in the

afternoon. Last Monday her mother went to the school at 4 o’clock, and Mary

ran out of her class. ―We’ve got a new girl in our class today, Mummy,‖ she

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said. ―She’s six years old too, and she’s very nice, but she isn’t English. She’s

German.‖ ―Does she speak English‖ Mary’s mother asked.‖ No, but she laughs

in English,‖ Mary said happily.

37. Lady First 女士优先 A

teacher asked her class: "Is the ntence ' The ox and the cow are in the

fields' correct?" Most of the children said: "Yes, it is all right!" And only one

little boy said: "No, it is not correct. The lady must be mentioned first."

38. Ivan came home with a bloody no and his mother asked, "What

happened?"

"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

39. Stupid Question

Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people

pasd his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time,

plea?"

After a few months, Dan said to himlf, "I'm not going to answer all tho

stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall

here." Then he did so.

―Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.

But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan,

"Is that clock right?‖

40. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out

all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The

professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test

with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back

his test and $64 change.

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41. f I Am a Manager

One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition

– if I Am a Manager.

All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and

asked the reason.

―I am waiting for my cretary,‖ was the boy’s answer.

42. The Brain Surgeon was about to perform a brain transplant.

"You have your choice of two brains," he told the patient, "For $1000 you can

have the brain of a psychologist, or for $10,000 you can have the brain of a

politician."

The patient was amazed at the huge difference in price. "Is the brain of a

politician that much better?" he asked.

The Brain Surgeon replied, "No, it’s not better, just unud."

43.

the lowest grade

"Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I derve

a zero."

"Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade I'm allowed to give."

44.

Prepare Yourlf

A story around campus has it taht a student once nt a telegram to his parents

reading: "Mom - flunked all cours. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop."

Two days later he received a respon: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourlf."

45. Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No, Honey, what?

Kate: A nice teapot.

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Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.

Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

46 Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excu me for

my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream."

"Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher.

"Becau neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time." replied

Mike.

47. One day, the father lets eight year-old son nd a letter, the son took the

letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addre's

name on the envelope.

After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in

the mail box?"

"Certainly"

"You have not en on the envelope not to write the address and the

addre name?"

"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."

"Then why you didn't take it back?"

"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addre, is for

does not want to let me know that you do nd the letter to who!"

48. One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother,

Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do.

The mother exclaimed, But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your

teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?

The little girl replied, My homework.

49 Big hands

Teacher: If I had ven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the

other, what would I have?

tudent: Big hands..

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