sooner or laterLesson4Ask
Ask first.Ask before correcting,accusing,or advising.This simple step has saved me from blowing up problems into cris,and very often leads directly to resolutions.
I am told that someone has acted offensively.Perhaps he yelled at others while tting up for an event or disregarded some rules.My typical routine is to courteously ask the suppod offender about the event itlf,sometimes not even bringing up the complaint until he has told his story.
What does this procedure of asking questions accomplish?For one thing,it avoids creating even more conflict.Let's say I am told that Sunday School teacher Jerry kicked student Tom out of his class.If I call up Jerry the next day and admonish him for being so rude,I have immediately put the two of us in a position of conflict.Now Jerry must deal with my rebuke,which he is likely not to do well.Even if he keeps quiet while taking my sharp words,he will harbor rentment and distrust for me,as well as for To
小学一年级英语教材m.I will have heightened the stakes of the original conflict.But if I begin our conversation by asking Jerry to tell me what happened,I move into the position of being a counlor who helps him resolve the issue,and he is more willing to listen to me.
Why so?By asking questions first,I am more likely to remove the defensive walls he normally will have built around himlf.Jerry may well be expecting a call and be prepared to refute Tom's charges.If I ask Jerry to simply tell the story of what happened,he relaxes.If I convey that I really do want to know the whole story rather than merely rebuke him,then he relaxes even more so that we end up having a calm discussion.
Good questions enable the accud to become reasonable and that is the goal.I am not asking questions to t him up for an attack.I am asking questions to help us both understand the real issues and then to help Jerry address his own behavior appropriately.
Good questions also keep me from making fal judgments.It is as likely that the initial report was fal or misleading in some way.I may learn that,yes,Jerry did kick Tom out of his class,but only after Tom began lashing out at another class member.And Jerry was going to call me anyhow to discuss the situation.If I had confronted Jerry first, then he would be wary of turning to me in the future for help.
Good questions enhance problem solving.Without accurate,substantiated information,I am in no position to address the problem appropriately.Perhaps Jerry is in the wrong.If I gently probe well with my questions,I may learn the deeper cau for Jerry's action.Perhaps Jerry had a marital dispute before coming to church and had overreacted to Tom becau of problems at home.This does not excu Jerry's behavior, but it does allow for me to get to the root of the matter and provide real help for Jerry (and his wife),as well as lead to reconciliation with Tom.I help Jerry think through how to relate well in class even when he is under stress.
remove是什么意思Good questions win respect and trust.Jerry will not respect me for my quickness in jumping to conclusions.He will respect me for wanting to ascertain the facts before forming opinions.As a result,if I must side with Tom,Jerry nevertheless will accept my decision even if he disagrees with it.What people want is to know that they have been heard,and that whoever is rendering the decision demonstrates that he is desiring to be fair and to what is best all around.Most people will accept mistndmail
akes;what they won't accept is indifference to their ca or prejudice against it.
新视野大学英语第二版A s k q u e s t i o n s f i r s t.A s k q u e s t i o n s o f t h e o n e m a k i n g t h e a c c u s a t i o n.L e t’s a s k questions of Tom."Jerry threw you out of class for no reason?Tell me what led up to that moment."Ask questions that help the accur's ability to reason."Jerry threw you out of the class?Jerry is not known for acting like that.Had there been any interaction in class that might have led to his outburst?"Ask questions to help the accur think of what he needs to do."Did you talk to Jerry afterwards?Do you think you could have waited until after class to ask your question?Have you thought about getting together with him for coffee and working things out?"
yandex mapsbksBy asking Tom if he has thought about taking certain actions,I allow him to become the decision-maker,and,again,take away his need to defend himlf.If I tell Tom what he should have done,("You should have been more respectful;you should have apologized")he is more likely to defend his behavior.My goal is not to manipulate Tom to do what I want;rather it is to help him remove his natural instinct for defending himlf and thus allow him to thoughtfully examine himlf and the situation at hand.
Instinct for lf-prervation caus us to throw up mental and emotional defens when we feel threatened.The defens not only block off outside"attackers,"but they
interfere with our thinking and the process of examining ourlves.How do I get through the defens?By removing as much as possible the perception of me as a threat.I do that by asking questions,instead of confronting;by being courteous rather than intimidating;by demonstrating a willingness to listen;and by conveying that my goal is to help,not to harm.
Asking good questions is the most effective tool for listening well.Good questions coupled with nsitive listening will give you clues to what's going on inside a person that accounts for his behavior,even when he doesn't know it.Let's say you obrve irritable behavior in one of your ministry team members that is not typical. Instead of taking him aside and admonishing him for his rudeness,you simply ask him how things are going.Chances are something has happened in his life unrelated to the ministry that has him upt.When you learn what it is,you express sympathy and have prayer with him.Again,his likely respon is to relax and change his behavior.He may even note his bad behavior and ask forgiveness without you even bringing it up.As Christians,we typically
know when our behavior is wrong.When stress is removed–when we are allowed to admit our sin without fearing admonition–then we often admonish ourlves.It is not unusual for you to move from being the admonisher to being the encourager.
Be sure to ask specific questions.If SS teacher Jerry had said to me that he was having"one of tho days,"I would ask him to explain what was happening that day. When someone makes a comment and adds,"You know what I mean,"even if I think I do,I will still ask him to explain.I do that so that I am clear about what he truly means, but also to help him think it through as well.Phras like the two just mentioned are often tosd out by the speaker becau he is fuzzy in his own mind about what he means.He needs to articulate his thoughts clearly so that he understands what is going on in his head.It is when he is pushed to articulate clearly that he gets clear insight into his behavior.
It is very important not to interrupt.You want to give signals that you are listening,as noted in the previous message,but you don't want to detour his thoughts. Don't ask irrelevant questions or make statements that take you on a tangent.Let's go back to Jerry.He relates that he and his wife had gone out to dinner the night before.
Don't interrupt him by asking what restaurant they went to,and this is not the time to mention that you too had gone to a restaurant and had a good meal.Such a question and comment throws off his thinking process,as well as your own.
Finally,good questions can effectively disarm someone who challenges your authority or right to intervene,or who is simply being hard to reason with.When asked, "Why are you getting involved,"ask back,"Why wouldn't I?"Make them do the explaining.This is especially the ca if you are a ministry leader.For example,you tell your team that you want everyone prent an hour before your ministry event.Tom comes a half hour early.When you ask why he was late,he replies that he didn't e a reason for being an hour early.It is not for you to explain why he should have come earlier.You ask him to explain why he did not have to follow through on the conditions you had given.Make him do the explaining,not to push him in a corner,but to help him think through the real issue,in this ca disrespecting authority and not being a team player.nwb
英语六级真题Good questions are not diversionary tactics,nor are they weapons to intimidate or manipulate.Good questions are tools for the questioner and for the responder to get through defens and fuzzy thinking to arrive at real solutions.
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