Help Y ourlf Through the Hard Times
by Collin Perry
Some years ago I had a thriving construction business, a comfortable home, two new cars and a sailboat. Moreover, I was happily married. I had it all.
Then the stock market crashed, and suddenly no one was looking at the hous I'd built. Months of murderous interest payments gobbled up my savings. I couldn't make ends meet and lay awake nights in a cold sweat. Just when I thought things couldn't get wor, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce.
With no idea what to do next, I resolved literally to “sail off into the sunt,” following the coastline from Connecticut to Florida. But somewhere off New Jery I turned due east, straight out to a. Hours later, I climbed up on the stern rail and watched the dark Atlantic slip beneath the hull. How easy it would be to let the water take me, I thought.
Suddenly the boat plummeted between two swells, knocking me off-balance. I grabbed the rail, my feet dragging in icy brine, and just managed to haul mylf back on board. Shaken, I thought, What's happe
ning to me? I don't want to die. From that moment, I knew I had to e things through. My old life was gone. Somehow I'd have to build a new one.
Everyone, at some point, will suffer a loss －the loss of loved ones, good health, a job. “It's your …dert experience' －a time of feeling barren of options, even hope,” explains Patrick Del Zoppo, a psychologist and bereavement specialist with the Archdioce of New Y ork. “The important thing is not to allow yo urlf to be stranded in the dert.”
So, can we actually do things to help ourlves through bad times? As I discovered, you can take charge of your own cure. Here's how:
Let Y ourlf Grieve
Counlors agree that a period of grieving is critical. “There's no shame in this,” says Del Zoppo. “Tears aren't a sign that you're simply feeling sorry for yourlf but are an expression of sadness or emotion that must find an outlet.”
And it doesn't matter if the grieving takes a while to surface, as long as it finally finds expression. Consider the ca of Donna Kelb. One spring day her 16-year-old son, Cliff, Jr., and 15-year-old son,
Jimmy, were sanding their boat. Suddenly Donna heard a scream. Rushing outside, she found her two sons lying on the ground near the boat. Jimmy had gone into the water and returned dripping wet. When he picked up the sander4, he was electrocuted. Cliff, knocked to the ground by the current when he tried to grab the tool, recovered.
Donna was so numbed by this tragedy that she didn't cry for weeks －not even at the funeral. Then back at work one day, she began to feel dizzy. “Finally I went home, locked mylf in my room and just wailed,” she says. “It was as though this great weight was being lifted from my shoulders.”
What Ke lb experienced after her tragic loss was what Del Zoppo calls a “first-line defen that shields the consciousness from some extremely unpleasant reality.” Kelb couldn't begin healing until nature had allowed her time to sort out her tragedy.
Understand Y our Anger
“Anger is natural,” says Del Zoppo, “but it can be relead in a wholesome way.” Properly understood, it can rve your recovery.
Candace Bracken's future emed full of promi. The 25-year-old airline rvice coordinator had a
new baby and a new job. Then one day, she began hemorrhaging uncontrollably. Acute leukemia was diagnod, and Bracken was given two weeks to live. After the initial shock, she felt angry. “I had taken care of mylf, lived a straight and narrow life,” says Bracken. “Thi ngs like this weren't suppod to happen to people like me.”
She reeled at the thought of her imminent death, and withdrew. “I just gave up,” she says. Then a doctor told her she needed to arrange for someone to care for her daughter. “How dare you tell me to find someone el to rai my child!” Bracken snapped. At that moment, she realized that she had strong reasons to fight for her life. Her anger, formerly crippling, now sparked her. It helped e her through a harrowing, but ultimately successful, bone-marrow transplant.
Face the Challenge
Another obstacle on the road to health after a significant loss can be denial. Instead of facing what has happened to them, says Dr. Michael Aronoff, psychiatrist and a spokesperson for the American Psychiatric As sociation, many people “try to fill up that empty feeling looking for an escape.” The man who rarely touched a drink will begin hitting the bottle. A woman who watched her weight will overeat. Others －like me －try literally to “run away.”
After working for boss all his life, John Jankowski had always longed to have his own options and stock-trading firm. He finally got the start-up money and did well. Then came a downturn in business, and before long Jankowski was in rious financial trouble.
“It was like my whole life had been shattered,” he says. With financial resources exhausted and the pressure of a family to support, Jankowski's thoughts turned to escape.
One morning, while on a run, he just kept going. After jogging westward for two hours, he staggered back home. “It finally dawned on me that I couldn't run away from my troubles. The only thing that made n was to face up to my situation,” he says. “Admitting failure was the toughest part －but I had to before I could get on with my life.”
Get out and Do!
“After a few weeks, I urge people recovering from loss to get back into a routine,” says psychiatrist and Boston University professor Besl A. van der Kolk. “It's important to force yourlf to concentrate on things other than your hur t.” Consider the activities:
Join a support group. Once you've made the decision to “get on with life,” you'll need someone to tal
k to －and the most effective kind of conversation can be with someone el who has undergone an ordeal6.
Read. When you can focus after the initial shock, reading －especially lf-help
books －can offer inspiration as well as relaxation.
Keep a journal. Many find comfort in creating an ongoing record of their experiences. At best it can rve as a kind of lf-therapy.
Plan events. The idea that there are things to look forward to reinforces that you are forging ahead into a fresh future. Schedule that trip you've been postponing.
Learn new skills. Take up a new hobby or sport. Y ou have a new life ahead; a new skill will complement it.
Reward yourlf. During highly stressful times, even the simplest daily chores －getting up, showering, fixing meals －can em daunting. Consider every accomplishment, no matter how small, a victory to be rewarded.
Exerci. Physical activity can be especially therapeutic. There Gump felt confud and adrift after her 21-year-old son committed suicide. A friend talked her into taking a jazzercize class. “It was just mindless stretching and bouncing to music,” Gump says, “but it made me f eel better physically, and when you feel better physically you feel better mentally.”
“Exerci gets you out of your head and your troubles,” Aronoff explains, “and it allows you to experience your body with your two feet on the ground.”
Get outside Y ourlf
“Many people who survive traumatic situations eventually find the need to take meaningful action,” says Dr. van der Kolk. “They may start organizations, write books, work for awareness. Along the way they discover that a powerful way to help themlv es lies in helping others.”
Y ou don't have to suddenly become an organizer to reach out to others. Irene Roberts, a 68-year-old medical cretary, underwent grueling chemotherapy for ovarian and breast cancer. Throughout the experience, love from her family and friends, as well as prayer, helped Roberts maintain her humor and positive outlook.
Doctors and staff were touched by Roberts's optimism, and when she'd ask how they were feeling, they would respond. “I'd just lie there and listen,” she says with a twinkle in her eye, “never letting on that they were helping me more than I was helping them. The truth is that thinking of others rather than spending a lot of time thinking about mylf played a huge role in my full recovery.”
Be Patient with Y ourlf
People often ask, “When will this terrible pain stop?” Experts resist being pinned down to time frames. “Roughly, it's a minimum of six months before you even start to feel better,” says Anorak. “And it can be as long as a year, possibly two. A lot depend s on disposition, the support within your environment, and if you get help and work on it.”
So, be easy on yourlf. Recognize that you'll need time, and that your own pace of recovery may not fit with that of others. Congratulate yourlf at each step through grief: I'm still here, I've made it this far!
Sailing is a slow business. I made it to Florida in five weeks. In attempting to “run away,” I'd embarked on a trip that gave me a structure, a daily outdoor routine requiring physical exertion, and plenty of time. I was still hurting, but by the time I anchored in Miami, I was ready to try again. At wha
t, I wasn't sure.
“Why not get back to writing －to what you were trained for?” said my dad. He was right. And here I am now, writing to you. It feels good to be back.
帮助自己走出困境
科林·佩里
几年前，我经营着一个建筑公司，生意兴隆。我有一个舒适的家，两辆新车，一艘帆船。而且，我婚姻幸福。我觉得自己拥有一切。
后来，突然间股市发生了震荡，再也没有人买我建造的房屋。连月来要命的利息付出吃光了我的存款。我入不敷出，夜不能寐，浑身冷汗。就在事情无法再糟糕时，妻子又提出离婚。
我不知道下一步该怎么办，决定沿着从康涅狄格州到佛罗里达州的海岸线来一次真正的“朝着日落航行”。但在新泽西附近海面的某个地方，我改变了预定的航向，直接向大海深处驶去。几个小时后，我爬上船尾的栏杆，看着船下滑过的黑暗的大西洋，心里想着，让海水吞噬自己是多么容易的事情。
突然，我的船垂直跌落在两个浪头中间，我失去了平衡。我抓住栏杆，双脚拖在冰冷的海水中，奋力
把自己拖回甲板。我心绪不宁，心里想，这是怎么了？我不想死。从那一刻起我意识到，自己必须挺过难关。我的过去结束了。无论如何我要建立新的生活。
每个人，在某个时候，都会承受失去的痛苦----失去所爱的人，失去健康，失去工作。“这是你的…沙漠体验‟---一个感觉没有选择，甚至没有希望的时刻，”心理学家兼纽约大主教管区的丧亲研究专家帕特里克·德·佐波解释说，“最重要的是，不要让自己在困境中束手无策。”
因此，我们实际上能做些什么来帮助自己走出困境呢？我发现，人们自己能够找到治疗的办法。下面就是如何去做：
想哭就哭
专家们赞同，哭上一段时间是至关重要的。“这没有什么可羞愧的，”德·佐波说，“眼泪并非表明你顾影自怜，而是你必须得到宣泄的悲伤和情感的表现。”
有时候，悲痛要经过一段时间才浮出水面，这并不要紧，只要它最终得到宣泄。拿唐娜·凯伯的例子来说，一个春日，她16岁的儿子小克利夫和15岁的儿子吉米正给他们的船打磨。突然，唐娜听到一声尖叫，她冲到屋外，发现两个儿子躺在船边的地上。
吉米到了水里，上来时浑身湿淋淋的。当他拣起磨沙机时触电而死。克利
夫试图去抢夺时也被电流击倒在地，他后来恢复了健康。
悲剧使唐娜麻木了。她几个星期来都没有哭，甚至葬礼上也没有。回去工作后的一天，她开始觉得晕眩。“最后我回到家里，把自己锁在房间里，号啕大哭，”她说，“仿佛巨大的重压正从肩头卸下。”
在悲剧性地失去儿子后，凯伯所经历的，就是德·佐波所说的“保护自己的意识不受极端不愉快的现实伤害的第一防线”。直到上苍给予她时间来处理自己的悲剧，凯伯才开始渐渐恢复。
认识你的愤怒
“愤怒是正常的，”德·佐波说，“但它能通过健康的途径释放出来。”正确地认识愤怒可以促进你复原。
坎迪斯·布莱肯的未来似乎充满希望，这位25岁的航班调度员刚刚有了孩子和新工作。有一天，她开始无法控制地出血。诊断证明她患了急性白血病，只有两个星期的生命。在最初的震惊之后，她感到愤怒。“我自己照顾自己，过着安分守己的日子，”布莱肯说，“这样的事情不该发生在象我这样的人身上。”
快要来临的死亡把她打倒了，她退缩了。“我放弃了，”她说。然而，一个医生告诉她，她必须安排一个人来照顾自己的女儿。“你怎么能叫我让别人来抚养我的孩子！”她愤怒地说。那一刻，她意识到自己有充分的理由为生命奋斗。先前削弱斗志的愤怒现在在鼓舞她，帮助她成功度过了痛苦的骨髓移植。
直面挑战
另一个心理障碍是，人们在遭遇重大损失之后，往往会拒绝承认它。美国精神病学协会发言人、精神病学家麦克尔·阿罗诺夫博士指出，许多人不是勇于面对所发生的一切，而是“试图填补空虚的情感，寻求逃避。”一个很少沾酒的男人可能沉溺杯中之物；一个很注意身材的女士则可能大开吃戒；还有的人——比如我——干脆试图“逃跑”。
约翰·简科斯基多年来一直为老板工作，他一直希望有自己的期权和证券交易公司。最后他终于有了启动资金并且经营得很顺利。但后来生意开始低迷，不久简科斯基陷入了严重的经济困境。
“我的整个生活似乎被击碎了，”他说。经济来源的枯竭和养家糊口的压力让他想到逃避。
