英语幽默100个(3)

2024年3月21日发(作者：薛贻矩)

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英语幽默100个（3）

100 English Humours

21. The Same Mother

Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher asked them to write a composition:

“My Mother”. Davy wrote one and Belly just copied it.

The next day, the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your composition is exactly the same with

Davy’s?”

“We have the same mother, don’t we?”

22. A Friend of the Duck

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China who speciality was duck. The waiter

explained each dish as he brought it to the table: “This is the breast of the duck. This is the leg of

the duck. This is the wing of the duck.”

Then came a dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for an explanation. Silence.

“Well,” he finally asked. “What's this?” “It’s a friend of the duck.” said the waiter.

23. It’s Not a Picture

A middle-aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big

picture of a woman’s image and cried out, “Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly?”

“Don’t be so fussy,” said the husband. “It’s not a picture. It’s a mirror!”

24. It's Unfair

Once there lived a man who was so lazy that no job was fit for him. In order to make a living he

one day went to a neighbor of his for help. The neighbor advid him to be a cemetery caretaker as

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it was the easiest job one could find. The lazy man was delighted and soon became a cemetery

caretaker. But to everybody's surpri he resigned his job three days after he got it. “It's unfair.” he

said to the neighbor angrily. “In the cemetery all the others are lying still while I am the only one

who has to stand.”

25. My Gift to the Judge

Man: Can you tell me which judge will hear my ca? I want to nd him some bottles of good

wine.

Lawyer: No, I can’t. To tell you the truth, if you do so, you will break the law and will be sure to

lo the ca.

Several weeks later, the lawyer heard that the man had won it. So he said to him in surpri.

Man: Yes, of cour. But I put my opponent’s name on the card with the drink.

26. A Hundred Per Cent

Patient: Doctor, plea tell me the truth. What are my chances to recover?

Doctor: Just a hundred per cent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die from the dia:

Now nine of my patients have already died from it, you are the tenth!

27. Who Are They?

A portrait painter was very much worried becau no customers had ever come to him. A friend of

his advid him to make a painting of himlf and his wife and hang it outside his studio as an ad.

The poor painter did so. The next day his father-in-law came to e him.

“Who is that woman?” asked the old man as he saw the painter.

“Don’t you recognize your daughter?” replied the artist, feeling somewhat annoyed.

“Hm,” said the father-in-law. “Then why have you painted her sitting together with that ugly

stranger?”

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28. I'm the Dead Donkey's Father

A traffic accident happened in a small town, and the place is crowded by many people.

A man, who liked watching very much, came late. He could e nothing becau he stood behind.

Suddenly he had a good idea and then he cried. “Let me in, plea. I’m his father!” The other

people were surprid, and stepped back in order to let him in. When he entered in and saw clearly,

he couldn’t say a word: A DEAD DONKEY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND.

29. I Saw Father Get It Out

When b boy was taking his father's dinner to the factory, he stopped for a minute to watch a

workman cleaning a wer.

The boy said interestedly, “My mother dropped her gold watch down here yesterday.”

The workman’s eyes lit up. “Well, boy,” he said, pretending to be careless, “get along with you.”

An hour later the boy came back. “Are you quite sure it was here that your mother lost her watch

down?” asked the workman.

“I am certain,” replied the boy with a cunning smile, “becau I saw Father get it out with my own

eyes.”

30. Cleaning Knives

My daughter Laura and her classmates were baking a cake in cooking class one day. After about

35 minutes the teacher said, “Laura, would you check on the cake? Just put a knife in it, and if it

comes out clean the cake is ready.”

After about 10 minutes Laura came back. “What took you so long?” the teacher asked.

“Well,” said Laura, “I stuck the knife in the cake and it came out so clean that I stuck all the other

dirty knives in too.”