英语幽默笑话50篇-1-25

2024年3月21日发(作者：柯著)

1. Barbers

Barber:

Did you have ketchup with your lunch, sir?

Customer: No, I didn‘t.

Barber: In that ca, I em to have slipped

with the razor.

barber 理发师

ketchup 番茄酱

customer 顾客

ca 情形

in that ca 那样的话

em 似乎

slip 滑落

razor 剃刀；刮胡刀

2. Blame It on My Parents

Doctor: I can‘t do anything about your condition.

I‘m afraid it‘s hereditary.

Patient: In that ca, nd the bill to my parents.

blame sth. on sb. 把某事归咎于某人

condition 情形

hereditary 遗传的

patient 病人

bill 帐单

3. Wild Duck

―Waiter, do you have any wild duck?‖

―No, sir. But I can irritate a tame one for you.‖

wild 野生的；狂暴的

irritate 激怒

tame 温驯的；柔顺的

4. wor than That

―Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I

really don‘t think I derve a zero.‖

―Neither do I. But that‘s the lowest grade I‘m

allowed to give.‖

professor 教授

do one’s best 尽力

derve 应得

zero 零

grade 分数

allow 允许

5. Getting Sick

―Your application says you left your last job

becau of sickness. Could you explain

that,

plea?‖

―Certainly. My boss got sick of me.‖

application 申请书

last 上一个

sickness 疾病

explain 解释

certainly 当然

boss 老板

get sick of 厌恶；厌倦

6. Be Responsible

Employer:

In this job we need someone who is responsible.

Applicant: I‘m the one you want. On my last job,

every time anything went wrong, they

said I was responsible.

responsible 有责任感的；须负责任的

employer 雇主

applicant 应征者；申请人

last 上一个

go wrong 出毛病

7. Overweight

Patient:

It isn‘t possible that I‘m as overweight as you say!

Doctor: Maybe you‘d prefer to look at it a different

way. According to this chart, you‘re ten

inches too short.

overweight 超重；超重的

prefer 比较喜欢

(in) a different way 以不同的方式

according to 根据

chart 图表

inch 英寸

short 矮的

8. Sore Eye

―Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a

stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?‖

―Take the spoon out of your cup.‖

sore 疼痛的

stabbing 刺痛的

pain 疼痛

stabbing pain 刺痛

spoon 汤匙

9. Loan

John: Lend me fifty.

Jack: I have only forty.

John: Well, then let me have the forty and you can

owe me the ten.

loan 借钱；贷款

lend 借（出）

owe 欠

10. Rai

Employee:

I‘ve been here for 11 years doing three men‘s

work for one man‘s pay. Now I want a rai.

Boss:

Well, I can‘t give you a rai, but if you‘ll tell

me who the other two men are, I‘ll fire them.

rai 加薪

employee 员工

pay 薪水 (= salary)

boss 老板

fire 开除，解雇

11. Loss of Voice

One guy goes to a doctor and says, ―Doctor,

my wife has recently lost her voice. What should I

do to help her get it back?‖

The doctor replies, ―Try to come home at 3 in

the morning!‖

loss 丧失

voice 声音

guy 人；家伙

recently 最近

get back 恢复；找回

reply 回答

12. Paint My Hou

There was a hooker who met an old man, and

said, ―Give me twenty dollars. I‘ll do anything you

want.‖

―Okay,‖ he said, taking out a twenty dollar bill.

―Paint my hou.‖

paint 油漆

hooker 妓女

bill 纸钞

13. Very Stupid Robbers

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first

one said, ―I hear sirens. Jump!‖

The cond one said, ―But we‘re on the 13th

floor!‖

The first one screamed back, ―This is no time

to be superstitions!‖

stupid 愚笨的

robber 窃贼；强盗

rob 偷取；抢

siren 警报器

jump 跳

floor 楼层

scream 大叫；尖叫

no 绝不是

superstitious 迷信的

14. Excu for Speeding

A cop pulled a car over on the highway for

speeding. When he asked for the driver‘s licen,

the driver argued, ―Speeding? But officer, I was

only trying to keep a safe distance between my car

and the car in back of me.‖

excu 理由；借口

speeding 超速

cop 警察

pull over 把（车）停在路边

highway 公路

as for 要

licen 执照

driver’s licen 驾照

argue 争辩

distance 距离

in back of 在~后面（= at the back of）

15. Vitamin

―I‘d like some vitamins for my son.‖

‗Vitamin A, B or C?‖ asked the pharmacist.

―It doesn‘t matter. He can‘t read yet.‖

vitamin 维他命

pharmacist 药剂师

matter 重要；有关系

read 识字

16. Like Father, Like Son

―When Abraham Lincoln was your age,‖ the

father told his son, ―he ud to walk ten miles every

day to get to school.‖

―Really?‖ the kid said. ―Well, when he was

your age, he was president.‖

Like father, like son.【谚】有其父必有其子。

Abraham Lincoln

亚伯拉罕·林肯（美国第16任总统

ud to 以前曾经

mile 英里

kid 小孩

president 总统

17. X Rays

Examining the X rays, the doctor said, ―Not a

thing to worry about. You should live to be ninety.‖

―But Doctor,‖ the patient said, ―I am ninety.‖

―See? I was right!‖ the doctor said.

ray 光线

X ray X光片

examine 检查

worry about 担心

patient 病人

18. I’ll Take Two

Young Woman: Look! Here is a magazine that tells

how to take five years off your face.

Old Woman: Good! I‘ll take two of them!

magazine 杂志

take off 减去；扣除

take 买下

19. Request Before Death

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was

about to be executed.

―Have you any last requests?‖

asked the chaplain.

―Yes,‖ replied the murderer. ―Will you hold

my hand?‖

request 请求

murderer 杀人犯

electric 电的

electric chair 电椅

be about to 即将

execute 处决

chaplain 神父；牧师

hold 握住

20. Noah’s Ark

The four-year-old girl stared at her grandfather

for a long time. Then she asked, ―Grandpa, were

you on Noah‘s Ark?‖

―Of cour not,‖ he answered, chuckling.

―Then how come you didn‘t drown?‖

Noah 诺亚（希伯来人之一族长，上帝命其制一方舟，以拯救自己、家人，以及各种动物雌雄各一，脱离大洪水。）

ark 方舟

stare 凝视（at）

grandpa 祖父；爷 (=grandfather)

chuckle 低声轻笑

How come ~? 为什么 ~？

drown 淹死；溺水

21. It’s Not That

―May I borrow your record player tonight?‖ a

man asked his neighbor.

―Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?‖

―No,‖ He answered. ―Tonight I want to have

some peace.‖

borrow 借（入）

record 唱片

record player 录放机

neighbor 邻居

peace 安静

22. One Hundred Percent

Patient: Doctor, plea tell me the truth. What are

my chances of recovery?

Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show

that only nine out of ten die of the dia.

Now nine of my patients have already

died of it; you are the tenth!

percent 百分比

chance 可能性；机会

recovery 康复

statistics 统计数字

die of 因 ~（病）而死

dia 疾病

23. Distinguished

Reporter: How did you win the Distinguished

Service Cross?

Private: I saved the lives of my entire regiment.

Reporter: Wonderful! And how did you do that?

Drivate: I shot the cook.

distinguished 杰出的；卓越的

reporter 记者

rvice 功勋

cross 十字勋章

Distinguished Service Cross 十字英勇勋章

private 士兵

save 拯救

entire 整个的

regiment 团

shoot 枪杀（三态变化为：shoot-shot-shot）

cook 厨师

24. Glass

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes

tested and asked, ―Doctor, will I be able to read

after wearing glass?‖

―Yes, of cour,‖ said the doctor.

―Oh! How nice it will be,‖ said the patient

with joy. ―I have been illiterate for so long.‖

glass 眼镜

specialist 专科医生；专家

eye specialist 眼科医生

test 检查

be able to 能够

patient 病人

with joy 高兴地

illiterate 不识字的

25. Blonde

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge

of state capitals. She proudly said, ―Go ahead, ask

me. I know all of them.‖

A friend said, ―OK, what‘s the capital of Wisconsin?‖

The blonde replied, ―Oh, that‘s easy: W.‖

blonde 金发女郎

brag 自夸；吹牛

state （美国的）州

capital 首府；大写字母

go ahead 开始

Wisconsin 威斯康辛州（美国中北部的一州，首府为Madison麦迪逊）

26. Foremen

Two friends were talking about work, when

one asked, ―Say, why did the foreman fire you?‖

Replied the cond, ―Well, you know how a

foreman is always standing around and watching

others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People

started thinking I was the foreman.‖

foreman 工头

say 喂

fire 开除

around 在四周

jealous 嫉妒的

27. He Knew Too Much

Boy to mother: ―I‘ve decided to stop

studying.‖

―How come?‖ asked the mother.

―I heard on the news that someone was shot

dead in Italy becau he knew too much.‖

How come? 为什么？

shoot 枪杀（三态变化为：short-shot-shot）

be shot dead 被枪杀身亡

Italy 意大利

28. Modern World Morals

Two bishops were discussing the decline in

morals in the modern world.

―I didn‘t sleep with my wife before I was

married,‖ said one bishop proudly. ―Did you?‖

―I don‘t know,‖ said the other. ―What was her

maiden name?‖

morals 道德；品性

bishop 主教

decline 衰落

proudly 骄傲地

maiden 少女的；未婚的

maiden name 未婚前之姓氏；娘家的姓氏

29. Robbed

The teller had just been robbed for the third

time by the same man, and the police officer was

asking if he had noticed anything specific about the

criminal.

―Yes,‖ said the teller,‖ he ems to be better

dresd each time.‖

rob 抢

teller （银行）出纳员

notice 注意到

specific 特殊的

criminal 罪犯

dress 穿衣；打扮

30. Umpires

Satam challenged St. Peter to a baball game.

―How can you win, Satan?‖ asked St. Peter. ―All

the famous ballplayers are up here.‖

―How can I lo?‖ answered Satan. ―All the

umpires are down here.‖

umpire 裁判

Satan 撒旦

Challenge 向 ~挑战

St. 圣…（为saint [nt]的缩写）

St. Peter 圣彼得（帮上帝掌管天堂之人）

famous 有名的

ballplayer 球员

lo 输

31. Mama Has Much Hair

Jim: Mama, why doesn‘t papa have any hair?

Mother: Becau he thinks so much, dear.

Jim: Then why do you have so much hair?

Mother:

Becau…but, go away and do your lesson.

mama 妈妈

hair 头发（为不可数名词）

papa 爸爸

go away 走开

lesson 功课

32. Accountant

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping

and goes to e his doctor.

―Doctor, I just can‘t get to sleep at night.‖

―Have you tried counting sheep?‖

―That‘s the problem — I make a mistake and

then spend three hours trying to find it.‖

accountant 会计师

have a hard time + v – ing很难~；做 ~有困难

count 算；数

sheep 羊

spend + 时间 + v-ing花（时间）做 ~

33. How Do You Wang to Die?

A man asked his elderly companion, ―How d

you want to die?‖

The friend said, ―Peacefully, in my sleep, like

my dad…not screaming like the other four people

in the car.‖

elderly 较年长的；老的

companion 同伴；朋友

peacefully 宁静地；安详地

scream 尖叫

34. It Works Well

One businessman asked another, ―Is your

advertising getting results?‖

―It sure is,‖ replied his friend. ―Last week we

advertid for a night watchman. The next night we

were robbed.‖

work 有效

businessman 商人；生意人

advertising 广告

result 效果

adverti 登广告

watchman 看守者；警卫

rob 偷窃；抢劫

35. A Second Language

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog.

While the kittens cowered, that cat let out a ries

of loud barks, scaring the dog away.

Turning to her kittens, the cat said, ―You e

how important it is to know a cond language?‖

language 语言

kitten 小猫

run into 偶然遇到

cower 蜷缩

let out 发出

a ries of 一连串的；连续的

bark （狗的）吠叫声

scare 惊吓

scare away 吓跑

important 重要的

36. A Poor Poet

Poet: I hope you‘ve received the little volume

of poems I nt you.

Woman: Oh, yes, I have. It‘s very nice. I wonder

where I‘ve put it?

Her Son: It‘s under the leg of the table, Mom, to

make it steady.

poet 诗人

receive 收到

volume 书本；册

poem 诗

wonder 想知道

steady 稳定的

37. Boxers

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air

furiously, but could not hit his opponent.

―How am I doing?‖ he asked his coach at the

end of the round.

―Well, if you keep this up,‖ replied the coach,

―he might feel the wind and catch a cold.‖

boxer 拳击手

fight 拳击比赛

swipe 挥臂猛击

furiously 猛烈地

hit 击中

opponent 对手

coach 教练

round （拳赛）一回合

keep up 继续；保持

38. Even Wor

―How is business?‖ asked Leo, as he walked

into his friend‘s dress shop.

―Terrible,‖ complained Tom. Business is awful.

Yesterday I sold only one dress, and today it‘s even wor.‖

―How could it be even wor?‖ asked Leo.

―Today the customer returned the dress she

bought yesterday.‖

business 生意

dress 衣服

terrible 很糟的

complain 抱怨

awful 可怕的；糟糕的

customer 顾客

return 退还

39. All Language Spoken

An American arrived at a hotel in France and

read the following words on a sign: ―All Languages

Spoken Here.‖

He spoke to the manager in English, German

and Spanish, but received no answer. At

last

he

asked

in French, ―Who speaks all the languages here?‖

―The hotel guests,‖ answered the manager.

language 语言

arrive at 抵达

following 下列的

sign 告示

manager 经理

German 德语

Spanish 西班牙语

at last 最后；终于

French 法语

guest 客人

40. A Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to

speak with the burglar who had broken into his

hou the night before.

―You‘ll get your chance in court,‖ said the

Desk Sergeant.

―No, no, no!‖ said the man. ―I want to know

how he got into the hou without waking my wife.

I‘ve been trying to do that for years!‖

burglar 夜贼

police station 警察局

break into 闯入

court 法庭

desk 服务台

rgeant 警官

wake 吵醒

41. All I Have to Do Is Outrun You

Two hunters bedded down at their campfire

and were about to fall asleep when a giant bear

loomed in front of them.

One hunter rushed to put on his sneakers. The

other said, ―What good will that do? You‘ll never

outrun that bear.‖

The first one said, ―All I have to do is outrun you!‖

outrun 跑得比 ~ 快

hunter 猎人

bed down 睡觉

campfire 营火

be about to 正要

fall asleep 睡觉

giant 巨大的

bear 熊

loom （危险、忧虑）阴森地临近

in front of 在 ~ 前面

rush 匆忙

put on 穿上

sneakers 运动鞋

do (some) good 有好感

All I have to do is + v. 我所需要做的就是 ~

42. They Aren’t Ours

Mrs. Jones had invited some friends for dinner.

The appointed time was approaching, and she

found

her husband removing the umbrellas from the

stand.

―What are you doing that for?‖ she asked.

―Are you afraid they will be stolen?‖

―No, not that,‖ said Jones. ―I‘m afraid they

will be recognized.‖

appointed 指定的；约定的

approach 接近

remove 移开；拿走

stand 架子（此指‘伞架’）

steal 偷（三态变化为：steal-stole-stolen）

recognize 认出

43. Hunters

First hunter:

How do you know you hit that duck?

Second hunter: Becau I shot him in the foot and

in the head at the same time.

First hunter: How could you possibly hit him in

the foot and head at the same time?

Second hunter: He was scratching his head.

hit 打中

duck 鸭子

shoot 射中

at the same time 同时

possibly 可能

scratch 搔；抓

44. Are You Going to Dance?

Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat

alone in a chair. Just then, she was happy to e a

handsome young man coming towards her.

―Are you going to dance?‖ asked the man pleasantly.

―Yes,‖ she whispered.

―Good,‖ he said. ―May I have your at then?‖

alone 独自地

pleasantly 愉快地

whisper 抵语

at 座位

45. Walk Two Miles a Day

John was venty, and he wasn‘t in good shape. ―What you should do,‖ said his doctor, ―is

walk two miles a day.‖

A week later, the doctor received a call from

John. ―Doctor, I walked two miles every day, and I

do feel lots better. But I have a new problem.‖

―What‘s that?‖ asked the doctor.

―I‘m fourteen miles from home, and I can‘t

find my way back.‖

be in good shape 身体健康

receive 接到

call 电话

46. A Wake-up Call

The desk clerk asked the newly-arrived guest

if he wanted a wake-up call in the morning.

―No, thank you,‖ the guest said. ―I always

wake up at six on the dot.‖

―Really?‖ the clerk said. ―In that ca, would

you mind giving our operator a call at 6:05?‖

a wake-up call （旅馆的）叫铃服务

desk 柜台

clerk 职员

newly 新近；最近

newly-arrived 刚到的

guest 客人

wake up 醒来

on the dot 准时

give sb. a call 打电话给某人

operator 总机

47. A Matter of Age

A wealthy eighty-four-year-old man married a

gorgeous twenty-three-year-old woman.

His friends were very surprid. ―How did you

persuade her to marry you?‖ they asked. ―We know

you‘re rich,

but a

girl so

bright and young and beautiful?‖

―I fool her,‖ he smiled and said. ―I told her I

was ninety-four.‖

a matter of 有关 ~ 的问题

wealthy 有钱的（=rich）

marry 娶；嫁

gorgeous 非常漂亮的

persuade 说服

bright 活泼的

fool 欺骗

48. Nineteen or Thirty-eight?

A cretary was telling her colleagues about

her birthday party.

―You should have en the cake,‖ she boasted.

―It was marvelous. There were nineteen candles—

one for each year.‖

―Nineteen candles?‖ said

a

colleague

surprisingly.

―What did you do, burn them at both ends?‖

cretary 秘书

colleague 同事

boast 自夸

marvelous 很棒的

candle 蜡烛

for 代表

surprisingly 惊讶地

burn 燃烧

end 末端

49. One Dollar

John asked his mother for one dollar.

―What are you doing to do with the money?‖

―I‘m going to give it to a poor old lady,‖ he

answered.

―You are a good boy,‖ said the mother proudly.

―Here you are. But why are you so interested in the

old lady?‖

―She is the one who lls ice cream.‖

do with 用；处理

proudly 骄傲地

Here you are. 拿去吧。

interested 有兴趣的

50. The Groom

At a wedding, a little boy looks at his mom

and says, ―Mommy, why does the girl wear white?‖

His mom replies, ―The bride is in while

becau

she‘s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.‖

The boy thinks about this, and then says, ―Well

then, why is the groom wearing black?‖

groom 新郎

wedding 婚礼

mom 妈妈

bridge 新娘