+++++++此为分集分割线+++++++
++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++
* Show me the meaning of being lonely *
小时候我并没有太多朋友
When I was younger, I didn't have a lot of friends.
签名页
伊莉莎
明年见
伊莉莎
并不是初中的小朋友没有注意到我
It's not that kids in junior high didn't notice me.
他们知道我
They did.
主谓宾怎么区分
我也不希望
Being butt-ugly
七年级
伊莉莎·杜丽
老屋“最丑霉女”
别人认为我是大丑女
wasn't what I wanted to be noticed for.
我效仿七年级
So I took a lesson
最受欢迎的女孩
from the most popular girl in the 7th grade,
我花了14年来完善自己
It took me 14 years to perfect it.
但现在我一跃成为网络红人
But now, I was insta-famous.
我一共有263,000个好友粉丝
I have 263,000 friends,
以及Instagram好友
and insta-quaintances.
* Let me take a lfie *
更不用说同事们对我的爱与尊重
Not to mention the love and respect of my co-workers, 他们被困在经济舱了
who were still stuck in coach.
姐升舱了各位
Got the upgrade, ladies.
不要羡慕嫉妒恨哟琳达
Don't be jelly, Linda.
她是咱们公司的吗
凛冽的近义词Is that one of ours?
伊莉莎·杜丽
Eliza Dooley,
公司业绩最佳的销售代表没错
our company's best-performing sales rep? Yeah.
她是最佳销售代表不可能吧
She's our best sales rep? That can't be true.
超短裙的魔力无人能挡
That's the magic of no one's immune,
包括法律部的米勒只是他...
including Miller from legal, who happens
结婚了对吧
Married, isn't he?
她还没意识到这一点
She hasn't picked up on that yet.
她光忙着口红要和丁字裤搭配了
She's been a little too busy making sure her lipstick matches her thong.
你怎么知道她口红和丁字裤事情
How do you know so much about her lipstick and her thong?
我在Instagram上关注了她
I follow her on instagram.
非常美艳
Very classy.
这是早餐吗
What is this, her breakfast?
为什么这一代人要把嘴巴碰过的东西
Why does her generation feel compelled to tweet every item
都发到推特上包括市场部米勒的…
that goes into their mouths, including Miller from
-热坚果[蛋蛋] -谢谢
- Warm nuts? - Thanks.
在头等舱就能逃出我的掌心吗
Thought you could escape me in first class?
伊莉莎等等
Eliza, wait.
我知道
Look, I know it's intimidating
爱上我这样骨盆大的女孩不容易
to fall for a girl with a strong pelvic floor
而且还经常在Facebook主页上显摆
and an advertising prence on her
不不不是因为这个
No, no. It's not that.
那是因为什么
Then what?
关闭电子设备系好安全带
Devices off. Seat belts buckled.
他结婚了
married?
发现自己的男友其实并不是男友
1
必须要发几张动图来平复我的悲伤
And I just needed to gif my way through that.
头晕恶心口干舌燥
Naua, dizziness, a legit ca of ham tongue.
不是因为气流就是自责
It was either the turbulence or grinder's remor
或者是因为结合了...
or a rare combination
真是...
That was, uh...
你还好吗
Are you okay?
-能把你的坚果拿开吗-好
- Can you plea move your nuts? - Yep.
结婚了
Married.
你居然结婚了
You're married.
为什么这种破事总发生在我身上
Why does this crap always
你是不是应该去一趟洗手间
So, hey, maybe head to the bathroom now. 那里应该有马桶
I think they've got a toilet in there.
* One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do *
* Two can be as bad as one *
* It's the loneliest number since the number one *
我分不清哪个更糟
I couldn't tell what
在36000英尺的高空出尽洋相
Being drenched in panic pudding at a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet
还是那么多人看到我这样都很开心
or how many people liked eing me that way.
一切都还好吗
Everything okay in there?
不咋地
Not really.
我的男朋友居然已为人夫
My new boyfriend is someone el's husband.
名牌高跟鞋里全是呕吐物
I barfed all over my Louboutins.
飞机上都是我的同事
The plane is full of my co-workers.
现在我被困在这了
And now I'm stranded in here,
没衣服穿害怕之极
naked and afraid.
女士恐怕得请您离开洗手间
Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to vacate the lav.
好我这就离开
Okay. I'll vacate your lav,
但你能不能至少给我拿一套空姐制服如何做酵素
but can you at least grab me an extra stewardess outfit?
vr是什么女士这里不是购物商场
Ma'am, this is not a department store.
没有多余的制服
There are no extra outfits.
卡罗尔·琼那你告诉我
Carol-June, straight up, now,
如果你是我你会怎么做
What would you do if you were me?
* I'll fly like a paper get high like planes *
三条飞机小毯竟能搭配出莎笼小裙风情
It's amazing what you can do with three in-flight blankets tied sarong-style.
* If you catch me at the border I got visas in my name * * If you come around here I'll make em all day *
* Bonafide hustler making my name *
多年来我一直在嘲笑互联网上的各种蠢货
I'd spent at stupid idiots on the Internet.
而现在我就是那个蠢货
And now that stupid idiot was me.
电梯等等等等
Hold the elevator! Hold!
即使是婚姻失去了激情
Even if you are in a passionless marriage,
也不代表就可以出轨啊
it doesn't mean adultery is okay.
知道我现在最没心情听什么吗
Okay, you know what I wasn't in the mood for?
邻居布琳虚伪的说教
A lecture from my hipster-crite neighbor Bryn.
她烂爆了
She's
她的美甲图案V型条纹
With her nail art and her chevron stripes
#美甲图案
#V型条纹
#假近视镜
没有度数的近视镜
and her non-prescription prescription glass
那群喜欢自己动手的闺蜜
and her bffs who love to diy
布琳
布鲁
西斯托尔
2
蕾恩
艾勒特
自己做果汁瓶变花瓶
#自己动手
#发髻
头顶的发髻还有彼得潘领
and their top knots and Peter Pan collars
#彼得潘领
和斜挎包
and cross body bags.
#斜挎包
真奇怪她以性感自居
It's weird. She defines herlf by her xuality,
但我却觉得这时她最不吸引人的地方
but I actually think it's the least interesting thing about her.
首先我跟他进行器官交战的时候
Okay, first of all, I had no idea he was married
并不知道他结婚了
when we engaged in gland-to-gland combat,
其次
and cond of all,
我在旅行的时候很容易饥渴
I get super horny when I travel,
这不是我的错有科学根据的
and that's not that's science.
我们没有在说你
We weren't talking about you.
我们在讨论《怕飞》这本书
We were discussing "Fear of Flying."
艾瑞卡·容写的
By Erica Jong.
我们都是读书俱乐部的
We're a book club.
我知道
I know that.
你们以为我傻啊
How stupid do you think I am?
我试着给我的朋友发短信
I tried nding an S.O. Text to my own friends
能给我带点姜汁汽水吗
恶才不你到底吃了什么
看看有没有人愿意给我带一杯姜汁汽水
to e if anyone would bring me a
我被男朋友甩了
好像还食物中毒了
* When I was a child everybody smiled *
哈哈哈哈不能更糟
但没人愿意
But no luck.
附近有可以送货的市场吗
Is there a market clo to me that delivers?
* Nobody knows me at all *
我找到了五个市场
其中两个离你很近
我找到了五个市场
I found five markets.
* Very late at night and in the morning light *
其中两个离你很近
Two of them are fairly clo to you.
* Nobody knows me at all *
当只有Siri愿意挺你时
When Siri is the only person who's there
* And oh when the lights are low *
会让你意识到
It kind of makes you realize
互粉好友并不等于真正的朋友
being friended is not the same thing as having friends.
* Nobody knows me at all *
金德凯制药
第二天我祈祷着全公司已经忘记了我出的大洋相The next morning, I was praying the whole company had forgotten about my
或者至少把我当作艾莎一样就随他吧
Or, at the very least, was willing to make like Elsa and "Let it go."
好大家静一静
All right, everybody, ttle down.
安静各位很好
Bring it home, everybody. Beautiful. Good.
大家都知道公司经历过一些挫折
Now, as you all know, this company took a Major hit
卖得最好的儿童鼻腔喷剂
when our best-lling pediatric nasal spray
因为能引起不好的幻觉而被迫下架
was pulled from the shelves for causing satanic hallucinations.
只是据说能引起幻觉
Ah, allegedly.
据说没错
"Allegedly" Is right.
不管怎样产品被召回更改配方
然纸上
Nonetheless, the product was recalled and reformulated.
至于能不能赢回市场信任
But whether or not we could regain the market's
还悬而未决
3
TBD.
现在由于有了一个人
But now, thanks to one man,
这事已经板上钉钉了
it's a big, fat "D"!
亨利好家伙快来快
Henry, you loon, get up here! Come on, Henry!
快来
Come on. Yeah!
超爱他
We love this guy.
别怕我不会非礼你的
Don' I'm not gonna make out with you.
不会非礼你的
I'm not gonna make out with you.
我说谎了
I lied about that.
我看到一篇文章说
You know, I read an article
亚洲男人把亲嘴当成是友谊的体现
that said Asian men are more comfortable kissing on the mouth as a sign of friendship.
并不是
They're not, no. Mm.
好吧我转给你看看
All right, well, I'll forward it to you.
-谢谢-写得挺好的
- Thank you. - It's good.
各位他完成了不可能的任务
Folks, this man did the impossible.
他把一个名誉尽毁的产品
He took a product who reputation had been badly tarnished
重新包装
and rebranded it
让消费者重新爱上并信任这个产品
as a product that consumers could once again love and trust.
如果那个马甲男能够重新推广我们的鼻腔喷剂Okay, if that dude in the vest could remarket our nasal spray,
那他肯定也能把我重新推广一番
he could definitely remarket me.
借一步说话
Take a moment.
我女儿周末婚礼你来吧
You're, uh, coming to my daughter's wedding this weekend, right?
-肯定不会错过的先生-很好
- Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, sir. - Good. Good.
带个伴
Bring a date.
你总是一个人有点奇怪
You're always alone. It's kind of weird.
-我不觉得奇怪-是很奇怪
- I wouldn't call it weird. - It is. It is.
你在我办公室干什么
What are you doing in my office?
我叫伊莉莎销售部的
I'm Eliza, I work in sales,
我最近发现我直觉很烂
and it recently came to my attention that I have poor instincts,癃闭舒片
肠胃不好没有朋友还有…
a weak stomach, no real friends,
性道德散漫
Loo xual morals?
我们见过吗
Have we met?
恐怕我要请你离开了慢走不送
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
不恐怕
I'm afraid.
你不答应帮我我就不走
I'm not leaving until you say you'll help me.
可你已经无药可救了
But you can't be helped.
你沉迷于那些你称为"好友"
You are addicted to the instant gratification
但其实只是陌生人对你的谄媚
of unearned adulation from a group of perfect strangers 给你带来的本能的满足
you insist on referring to as your "Friends."
我们的鼻腔喷剂能引起幻觉
Our nasal spray caud satanic hallucinations,
你都搞定了
and you fixed that.
拜托我只是想改变形象
Come on. I just want to change my image.
你是说成为更好的人
You mean be a better person?
那样也行
Or that.
我并不是想说这些来博取同情
Look, I'm not trying to, like, tug at your heartstrings or whatever,
但我真的吐得很厉害
but I threw up really hard.
4
不知道你们有没有像那样吐过#挣扎
And I don't know if you have ever thrown up #thestruggle.
但这真的让我觉得
But it really makes you think.
觉得什么
Makes you think what?
我真是迫不及待想知道呢
I'm genuinely dying to know.
我难受时没有人打电话过来问候
When I was sick, not one person called to e if I was okay,
我不知道为什么
and I don't know why.
人们以前恨我因为我丑
People ud to hate me becau I was butt.
但现在我不丑了
But I'm not butt anymore.
伊莉莎你肯定知道
Look. Eliza, I'm sure you're aware
人是有可能外表美丽但是
it is possible to be beautiful on the outside
内心丑恶
butt on the inside.
比如格温妮丝·帕特洛[演员]
Like Gwyneth Paltrow.
好吧你还是走吧
Okay, you need to go.珍珠鸟教案
别别啊
No. Come on, plea.
我知道你不喜欢我
Look, I know. I know you don't like me.
但如果你不喜欢我
But if you don't like me,
那就改造我吧
then just change me.
改造我吧
Just change me.
拜托拜托
Plea.
我的确不喜欢你
I don't like you.
但我可以改造你
But I can change you.
改换包装
I could change
更改配方
Alter your formula.
让你变得清新淡雅
If soften your palette,
提升品位
improve your taste
我可以把一个讨厌无趣的
I can transform you
社交控自恋狂
despid social-media-obsd narcissist
改造成高贵优雅的窈窕淑女
into a valued and respected woman of stature.
亲吻韩国人：绿灯
作者马特·史密斯[神秘博士演员]
就像琳达一样
Like Linda.
就像琳达一样
Like Linda.
只不过要比她好看
Only prettier.
第二天我们直接开工
The next day, we got right to work.
你需要赢取信任
I'll need your implicit trust.
也就是说不论我怎么说你都得照做
That means you do anything and everything I say,
即使有些听起来不太正统
even if it ems unorthodox.
没问题别搞后面就行
Totally, just no backdoor stuff.
好吧过来
Okay, come here.
那是另外一回事
That's
你肯定是误把我对你的专业兴趣
you mustn't misinterpret my professional interest
当成了浪漫性趣
as romantic interest
我告诉你我对你没性趣
becau, I assure you, there isn't any.
明白了
Oh, got it. Got it.
我们只是朋友而已
We're just friends.
我们不是朋友
We' we're not friends.
而且你要承认这点这对我很重要
And it's important to me that you acknowledge that.
好我们不是朋友你是个基佬
Fine. We're not friends, and you're a gay dude.
我不是基佬
I am not a gay dude.
5
