英语短笑话大全爆笑
总是有些时候莫名其妙的不开心，心情不佳的时候就会办什么都不在状态，你会这样么?这里收集整理了英语短笑话爆笑，让你的心情速速好起来。
Teacher: When was Rome built?
Tom: At night.
Teacher: Who told you that?
Tom: You did. You said Rome wasn't built in a day.
老师：罗马是什么时候建成的?
汤姆：在夜里建成的。
老师：谁告诉你的?
汤姆：是您啊。您说过罗马不是在一个白天建成的。
Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just make an illegal turn."
"I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."
没关系
我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的(译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。“啊噢，”意识到犯了错误，我说。“我刚才拐弯是违章地塞米松的副作用的。”
“我想那没关系的，”女儿回答说：“我们后面的警车也同样小腿皮肤瘙痒的原因拐了弯。”
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?
She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.
To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"商务信函写作格式
A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild, something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, lects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable,and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tapebut static," she says.
"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of tho tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.
"Head Cleaner."
懒惰的结果
Mother: Why were you kept after school today, Johnny? Johnny: Teacher told us to write an essay on "The Result of Laziness", and I turned in a blank sheet of paper. 妈妈：约翰尼，你今天放学以后为什么被留下了? 约翰尼：老师叫我们写一篇题为《懒惰的结果》的作文，我交了一张白卷。
While shopping淘宝双十一攻略 for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicale on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does 'hybrid pul D/A converter' mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the 形容工作认真负责的成语digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.
在购买我的第一部CD唱机时，我能够解读推销标记上面的大多数技术语言。但是有一个标示却让我颇为迷惑，于是我叫过销售商，问道：‘混合脉冲D/A变换器’是什么意思?它的意思是，她说，这个机器能够读CD碟上加码的数字信息，将它转换成声音信息-也就是说，转换成音乐。换句话说，这个CD唱机能够播放CD碟。正是如此。
The great painter was asked, one day to paint a picture of Pharaoh crossing the Red Sea. A little while after the picture had been commenced, a hitch(故障) aro over the fee, and Hogarth found that he would have to complete the commission for about half the sum he expected. When the work was completed, the patron(赞助人，主顾) was asked to come and inspect it. As a matter of fact, the picture was just one daub(涂抹，涂料) of brilliant red.What's this? exclaimed the purchar. I asked for the Red Sea, on the occasion of the celebrated passage.That's it, replied Hogarth.But, where are the Israelites?They are all gone over.Where are the Egyptians?They're all drowned.
一天，有人请这位伟大的画家画一幅法老王渡红海***。这幅画刚开始不久，酬金就出现了问题。霍迪斯发现，完成这幅画后，他只能得到他想要的大约一半的`钱。当作品完成之后，那位主顾被请来看画。其实，这幅画不过是胡乱涂抹的一片鲜红。这是什么?那位买主喊了起来。我要的是红海，是那次著名的航海。这就是，霍迦斯回答说。可是以色列人在哪儿?他们都已经渡过去了。埃及人在哪儿?他们全都淹死了。
"My family is just like a nation," Mr. Brown told his colleague. "My wife is the minister of finance, my mother-in-law is the minister of war, and my daughter is foreign cretary."
"Sounds interesting, " his colleague replied. "And what is your position?"
"I'm the people.金铜仙人辞汉歌 All I do is pay."
A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!”
A buzzing noi followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another.
Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”
He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Ro, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!”
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition
if I Am a Manager
One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my cretary,&rdq民航招聘uo; was the boy’s answer.
At a dinner party a shy young man had been trying to think of something nice to say to his hostess. At last he saw his chance when she turned to him and remarked, "What a small appetite you have tonight, Mr. Jones.""To sit next to you," he replied gallantly, "would cau any man to lo his appetite."
在一次晚餐聚会上，一位腼腆的年青人一直在冥思苦想对女主人说一些好听的话。机会总于来了，女主人转向他说：“琼斯先生，您今晚的饭量太小了。”“坐在您身边，”他殷勤的说道，“任何男人都会失去胃口的。”
Speeding 超速
Traveling salesmen make their living visiting as many customers as possible. So speeding to get from one appointment to the next is not unheard-of. Which is how I got pulled over by a highway patrolman. "Don't you ever look at the speedometer?" the officer scolded. Before I knew it, the truth spilled from my mouth. "As fast as I was going," I admitted, "I was afraid to take my eyes off the road."
因为旅行推销员为了谋生需要拜访尽量多的客户，所以超速飞车赶场对于他们来说也不是没有过的事情。有一次我就因为超速度行驶被一个公路巡警拦了下来。“你有没有看过你的时速表？”那名警官责问。当我的回答一出口，我立刻后悔了，但已经太晚了。“车开得越来越快”，我如实地说，“我的眼睛得一直盯着前面，没敢看别的”。
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions.
Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。”
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
“可是，爸爸，”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
it's me all right
A pretty young lady went to cash a check at a bank. The teller examined it, then asked, "Can you identify yourlf? “Looking puzzled, the girl dipped into her handbag and pulled out a small mirror. She glanced into it for a moment, then smiled, "Yes, it's me all right."
这就是我
一位年轻漂亮的女士到银行取钱。出纳员在检查了她的存折后问道：“您能证明您的身份吗？” 这个女孩听了这话以后看上去很迷惑，随后她从手提包里拿出一个小镜子。她对着镜子照了一会儿，笑了：“对呀，这就是我。
现在的专栏不用权限就可以任意加入了,但是也发乱七八糟的了.请在此发贴的人,看清楚了好不好?
款待Treat
As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn晋阳学刊't come upon a child who had become parated from his parents.
One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time pasd with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight.
Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men.
"An ice-cream cone. Why?"
"Becau," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!"
我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。
一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。
警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该转发的英文多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。
“一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？”
“因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！”
Three Men in a Boat
Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch. A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two. "Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends. "In that ca, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!" "Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.
三人同舟 三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。 一位过路警察驻足观察了这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。 “喔，认识，”他说，“他们是我的朋友。” “那样的话，”警察告诫说，“你最好把他们从这里弄走。” “好的，警官。”那男子回答说，接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。
compliment
"larry! come here!" said his furious mother, putting the telephone down, " i”ve just had a call from mrs. harrison about your behavior to her doris at the school dance last night. you wretched, rude boy!"
"i was nice to her, mum, really i was!" protested the youth.
"i even paid her a compliment when we had a dance."
"did you, indeed?" said his mother grimly, "and what exactly did you say?"
"i said, gosh, doris, you sweat less than any fat girl i”ve ever danced with!"
恭维话
"拉里，你过来!"妈妈放下电话后生气地说，"我刚才接到哈里森夫人地电话，她告诉我你在昨晚的学校舞会上对多丽丝行为不好，你可耻，粗鲁!"
"妈妈，我对她很好，真的!"小伙子不服气地说。"当我和她跳舞时我还说了一句恭维她的话。"
"你真的这么做的吗?"妈妈严厉地问。"你的原话是怎么说的?"
"我说，啊呀，多丽丝，你比我跳过舞的任何胖姑娘出汗都少!"
if i am a manager
one day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a c老子出函谷关omposition.
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