How to rai successful kids
-without over parenting
Julie Lythcott-Haim
曾为斯坦福大学新生学院的院长，在她几十年的工作过程中，观察了很多的孩子的教育，并出版了书籍《how to rai an adult》，她对直升机父母现象和清单式童年做了严厉的批评。她的TED演讲：如何在不过度管教的情况下培养出成功的孩子（How to rai successful kids-without over parenting）道出了孩子教养中最核心的问题。
演讲全文：
其实，对于怎样做父母，我并不是很感兴趣，更别提怎样做优秀的父母了。只是我发现，最近父母的教育方式有些让孩子们混乱，阻挡他们发展成自己了，父母的教育模式正阻挡孩子的自由发展。我们以前总责怪那些没有在孩子身上花太多时间的父母，觉得他们对孩子的教育成长不够关心，这是对的。
You know, I didn't t out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting the days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into their lves. There's a certain style of parenting the days that's getting in the way.I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so.
但另一方面，有些父母也做的很过分，他们觉得如果不保护孩子，孩子就不会取得成功，所以他们按部就班，小心翼翼，督促孩子朝着进入顶尖名校这唯一目标而努力。
But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subt of colleges and careers.
当我们如此培养孩子的时候，我想大多数父母都会如此，包括我自己，其实我们是给孩子们树立了一个“清单式童年”。
When we rai kids this way, and I'll say we, becau Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had the tendencies mylf, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
那是什么样呢？我们保证他们的安全，保证他们的生活需要，我们希望他们进入名校，不仅如此，还要进入名校的好班级，更不仅如此，还要取得好的成绩，而且不仅好的成绩，还要获得各种奖项，参加各种活动，培养他们的领导力。我们告诉孩子们，不要参加社团，创办一个社团，因为这才是大学所要求的。我们还要帮他们创造社区服务的机会，因为大学要求之一就是你要关心他人。
And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they're in the right class at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right class in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, becau colleges want to s
ee that. And check the box for community rvice. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
我们所做的这些，其实是在要求孩子们的完美，而这种完美我们都从未要求自己做到过。同时为了做到这些，我们曾与每一位老师，校长，教练，裁判员理论过，表现的像是小孩的看门人，私人管家和秘书。
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourlves, and so becau so much is required, we think, well then, of cour we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and cretary.
但对于我们宝贵的孩子们呢，我们软硬兼施，暗示，帮助，挑剔指责，以期能保证他们不搞砸他们的未来，以期他们能获得进入顶尖名校的许可，相比之下，这些名校的录取率却是如此之低。
And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the ca may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.
清单式童年，孩子是什么感受？首先，他们没有时间玩耍，即使是在下午放学后，还有很多的事情要做。我们把每次家庭作业，每次测验，每一次活动都看成是对未来有决胜意义的一举。我们舍不得让他们做家务，甚至有时会牺牲他们的睡眠时间以完成未完成的清单。我们会说，希望他们是快乐教育，但当孩子放学回家时，我们问的第一件事通常都是他们的作业和分数。他们从我们的脸上看到，只有得到A，才会得到爱和其它的奖励。我们对待孩子，有时就像教练训犬一样，日复一日的督促他们跳的更高，飞的更远。
And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, becau everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of
helping out around the hou, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they e in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking prai like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show, coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day.
当他们升入高中的时候，他们并不会问自己想学什么和参加什么活动，反而去问辅导老师，他们需要做些什么才能进入名校呢？如果在考试中得了B或夸张的C时，他们会非常焦虑，到处问朋友，有没有人得了B或者C最后还进入了顶级名校呢？
And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counlors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with the grades?"
最后，不管孩子们的毕业成绩怎样，他们都会觉得整个高中过程压力大到无法呼吸，他们筋疲力尽，比前几届的毕业生都要显老。他们期待父母会说“孩子，你已经做得够好了，你已经尽力了”。他们彷徨，处于巨大的焦虑和低沉情绪中，他们会问自己，这样的付出真的值得吗？
And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough." And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
