the empathy jolt课文
How It Works
Empathy is a nsory experience; that is, it activates the nsory part of your nervous system, including the mirror neurons we’ve talked about. Anger, on the other hand, is a motor action—usually a reaction to some perceived hurt or injury by another person. So by taking people out of anger and shifting them into an behavior, the Empathy Jolt moves them from the motor brain to the nsory brain.
To put it another way, anger and empathy—like matter and antimatter—can’t exist in the same place at the same time. Let one in, and you have to let the other one go. So when you shift a blamer into empathy, you stop the person’s angry ranting dead in its tracks.
And what about the person who’s on the defensive? Initially, this human punching bag is frustrated becau no matter what he or she is trying to mirror outward——I’m sorry, I’m confud, I’m scared, I had a good reason for what I did—the ignorant blamer is blind to it.
As a result, the person who’s under attack is usually in a state of quiet, barely controlled rage.
Suddenly and unexpectedly, however, the blamer knows just how sad, angry, scared, or lonely the defender feels and spontaneously turns into an ally. When the defender feels understood by the blamer and that they are on the same side, there’s nothing to defend against. The defender’s wall, and with it his unspoken rage and frustration, dissipates. The relief from no longer feeling “fear or loathing” toward the blamer spontaneously triggers a tremendous rush of gratitude and—miraculously—the person’s quiet rage turns into forgiveness and, beyond that, a willingness to work toward solutions.
When to Employ the Empathy Jolt
The Empathy Jolt is a powerful intervention to u when two people in your life are beating on each other brutally instead of communicating— or when at least one person is more interested in attacking than in listening. U it at the first sign that a conflict is getting out of control.
Here’s an example:
Manager of a software team: We’ve targeted this relea for next week, but I hear there’s a problem.
Simon: Yeah, there’s a problem. Kim didn’t give me enough time to work on it. Her targets aren’t realistic. Nobody could get this done in time.
Kim (furious): Simon could if he did what I ask of him. We’re late becau he spent three extra days adding a bunch of graphics bells and whistles that nobody cares about. We have to ll this product but instead we have a bunch of worthless features and no product to ll. Don’t blame me for this mess.
Software manager: Okay. Before we talk about what’s going on with the relea, I’d like to do something first. I know that both of you are extraordinarily good at what you do. In fact, you’re two of the strongest performers I’ve ever worked with. And I also know that it’s very hard for you to work together. So I’d like to ask each of you a question, with the goal of eing if we can make this situation work better for both of you.
Kim and Simon (both defensively): Okay.
Software manager: Let’s start with you, Kim. Here’s the question: If I were to ask Simon what frustrates him most about working with you, what would he say?
Kim (surprid by the question): Um. Well. Uh . . . I think he might say that I don’t respect his talent. Or that I’m more interested in tting deadlines than in making the product as good as it could be.
Software manager: So, what does that make him want to do?
Kim: Get mad. Becau—look, I know he’s really interested in making this product the best one on the market and he can’t. And I understand that, I really do, but the company doesn’t work that way.
Software manager: Thanks. I appreciate that. And now I’d like to ask the same question of Simon. Simon, If I were to ask Kim what frustrates her most about working with you, what would she say?
Simon (disarmed by Kim’s understanding): Well . . . um . . . okay, I think she’d say that upper management expects her to meet deadlines and she gets blamed if we’re late becau I spend time adding stuff that management didn’t ask for. And I really do understand that. I mean, to me it’s wrong to nd out a product that’s not as good as it could be, but I can e how that’s a problem for Kim.
Software manager: And how does that make her feel?
Simon: Probably scared that they’ll can her. Or mad at me for screwing things up for her.
Software manager: Thanks for answering that so honestly. Now, I know that for right now we want to focus on getting this relea done as quickly as we can. So let’s work out a schedule and e if we can still meet the target date. But would you two be willing to meet afterward and e if there’s a way to get Simon’s goal of making the best possible product to mesh better with Kim’s need to meet our targets? I’m confident that you can come up with some good solutions together.
