Hi! Good morning! So today's lecture is about change. And things are going to
change today. Our relationship is going to change today. So stay tuned.
Last time, last time we ended by talking about the different kinds of change. The first approach¡ªthe gradual approach, like water wearing down stone, chipping away gradually slowly taking our time. The cond approach¡ªthe acute change, the sledge hammer breaking stone creating a new pathway, a new channel. The important thing to keep in mind with both forms of changes, with all forms of changes, lasting change that is¡ªwhich is what we are about¡ªnot just the spike and the return to ba level. The thing to keep in mind about change is that neither is quick-fix. Even when we pick up that sledge hammer, even when we pick it up, we need to do a lot of work before the preparation. So for example, gradual change, slow change would be doing the gratitude exerci every day, slowly becoming more and more of a benefit finder, gradually looking more at the positive, creating a new neural pathway neuron by neuron.
如何提取图片中文字 Remember neuroplasticity and neurogenesis¡ªtwo very important concepts. 什么花什么草
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Becau just by knowing by understanding that our brain changes in and of itlf makes us more likely to change. And this is work done by Carol Dweck, whom I'll discuss in future cours when we discuss perfectionism. And then the sledge hammer example is like the Eureka experience¡ªthe great insight that doesn't come in a vacuum. It comes after a lot of hard work after a lot of preparation. You know the 99% of perspiration that leads to that inspiration. So no quick-fix. And the belief in
quick-fix, the expectation of the quick-fix¡ªthat is one of the reasons why levels of the depression are so high today. Becau people are frustrated. They are disappointed.They think there's something wrong with them when they don't succeed in the quick-fix. But they have just¡I just write in the book that it's possible if I do the five things, I'd be happy for the rest of my life. And I do the five things, and I'm not happier. And I begin to question mylf. No quick-fix. It takes time. No five easy steps to happiness.
Before we go to the change process, there are a few things we need to understand.
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The first thing to understand is this¡ªdo I, do you really want to change? And it's not a trivial question. It is not a rhetorical question becau very often on the conscious level we may be saying yes, but on the subconscious level something is stopping us.
Let me show you an example. So this is the study done by Langer and¡and
Thompson back in the 80s. And here is what they did. They brought students in or participants in. And they asked them whether they wanted to get rid of certain characteristics, like rigidity or being gullible or grimness. And they asked them whether they wanted to get rid of the characteristics and whether they succeeded in becoming better in this area. Were you able to introduce change, so were you able to actually become less rigid, if this was important for you to change, or less gullible, or less grim? So this is the first two questions that they asked. Did you want to improve it? Did you wanna change this? And then after, they answered the questions. There was the cond part of the study where they asked them to evaluate the positive¡the following positive characteristics. Consistency, is it important to you? Is it important to you to be tru
stworthy? And how important it is for you to be and to be perceived as a rious person? And here is the interesting finding of this rearch. Tho individuals who rated the positive traits¡ªthe ones in yellow who rated them high¡ªas personally important to them were less likely to change the negatives. Do you understand implications of the study? Let's say I do wanna get rid of rigidity. I don't like being rigid. However, at the same time, consistency is a very important value to me. I'm less likely to change my rigidity becau they are associated in my mind. And yeah, I don't want to be rigid. But at the same time subconscious is talking here¡ª I want to be consistent. Don't let go of this rigidity becau I couple them, I associate them together. Not wanting to get rid of one becau I don't want the baby out with the bath water. And to me they are linked. The same with gullibility and trustworthiness. We can say that the other side of gullibility someone who's trustworthy. Now going to the extreme. I become gullible. However, I don't get rid of my gullibility becau I don't want to also get rid of my trustworthiness. Same with grim. I may be grim but that's also subconsciously a sign of my riousness.
You know for years, literally years, when I've been thinking and writing and analyzing the
暖宫贴notion of perfectionism, I couldn't understand why it didn't get better, for very long time. Becau I knew perfectionism was hurting me. I read the rearch. I look through personal experiences. I knew it was hurting me in terms of my well-being for sure, but also in the long term in terms of my success. And yet I couldn't get rid of perfectionism until I read the study. And I asked mylf, What's tied in my mind? What goes hand in hand is drive and ambition. And if I had to define mylf¡ªthis is one of the first things¡ªand becau I didn't want to lo the characteristics, my subconscious didn't let me, stopped me from getting rid of the perfectionism, perfectionism which I define as a debilitating fear of failure. We'll have a whole week on perfectionism. So we'll get more in depth if you'll understand what it means. And it was only once I understood that for me the two things go hand in hand, I was able to unpack them to distinguish them. I said I want to keep one not the other. Or for example, worry and anxiety. Look I've mentioned the many times before, next time I'll talk to you about the process that I underwent to overcome anxiety.
Part of me since the time I can't remember mylf being anxious whether it's before matc
hes in squash, whether it's before exams, whether it's before speaking up in ction when I was an undergrad. And I wanted to stop that. I didn't want that.
However, I didn't let go of worry and anxiety becau I also sort with responsibility.
Well if I'm anxious, it can mean I'm responsible. So I prepare for class much more as oppod to just let go and become a slacker. So I associated a positive trait which is responsibility. And remember Brandon? No one is coming very important trait¡ªresponsibility. But that prevented me from letting go¡ªsubconscious level, not conscious of the worry and anxiety that I often experienced.
Guilt, again there is good guilt, there is bad guilt. You know it is. Well, I don't want to get rid of guilt becau what that means I'm not being empathic and nsitive toward other people. Very often we connect the two. They go hand in hand. Another couple is the notion of simplifying. This is something very personal to me. I wanted to do less becau I knew that taking on too many activities was actually hurting me¡was hurting my productivity, creativity, well-being. I couldn't simplify. Why? Becau I associate it in my m
ind with losing my edge. So I didn't let go. Or fault-finding¡ªwe talked about this a week ago. Why do people not let go of fault-finding? Why do they remain pessimistic? Becau they connect it with the n of realism. I don't wanna stop being realistic. I don't wanna be one of tho detached Pollyannas. And therefore I don't let go of my fault-finding.
