Courtship Through the Ages 求偶古今谈（孙仲旭译）
James Thurber
瘦身汤怎么做Surely nothing in the astonishing scheme of life can have nonplusd Nature so much as the fact that none of the females of any of species she created really cared very much for the male, as such. For the past ten million years Nature has been busily inventing ways to make the male attractive to the female, but the whole business of courtship, from the marine annelids up to man, still lumbers heavily along, like a complicated musical comedy. I have been reading the sad and absorbing story in V olume 6 (Cole to Dama) of the Encyclopedia Britannica. In this volume you can learn about cricket, cotton, costume designing, crocodiles, crown jewels, and Coleridge, but none of this subject is so interesting as the Courtship of animals, which recounts the sorrowful lengths to which all males must go to arou the interest of a lady.孙悟空筋斗云
毫无疑问，在关于生命令人惊异的安排中，使得大自然令人摸不着头脑这一点上，什么都无法与这一事实相比，即它所创造的任何一种物种的雌性，都不是很在乎雄性，反过来，雄性则很在乎雌性。在过去的一千万年中，大自然忙着想办法让雄性能够吸引雌性，然而从海洋环节动物到人类，整个求偶这件事，一路发展得举步维艰，就像一出复杂的音乐喜剧。最近我在阅读《大英百科全书》第六卷（从“Cole
”到“Dama”词条）中那个悲哀而引人入胜的故事。在这一卷，你能了解到关于板球、棉花、服装设计、鳄鱼、王冠和柯勒律治，但是那些主题，都不如动物求偶的主题有趣。这一主题中，叙述了种种可悲的费时费力的情况，那是所有雄性为了唤起异性的注意，都得去经历的。
We all know, I think, that Nature gave man whiskers and a mustache with the quaint idea in mind that the would prove attractive to the female. We all know that, far from attracting her, whiskers and mustaches only made her nervous and gloomy, so that man had to go in for somersaults, tilting with lances, and performing feats of parlor magic to win her attention; he also had to bring her candy, flowers, and the furs of animals. It is common knowledge that in spite of all the "love displays" the male is constantly being turned down, insulted, or thrown out of the hou. It is rather comforting, then, to discover that the peacock, for all his gorgeous plumage, does not have a particularly easy time in courtship; none of the males in the world do. The first peahen, it turned out, was only faintly stirred by her suitor's beautiful train. She would often go quietly to sleep while he was whisking it around. The Britannica tells us that the peacock actually had to learn a certain little trick to wake her up and revive her interest: he had to learn to vibrate his quills so as to make a rustling sound. In ancient times man himlf, obrving the ways of the peacock, probably tried vibrating his whiskers to make a rustling sound; if so, it didn't get him anywhere. He had to go in for something el; so, am
ong other things, he went in for gifts. It is not unlikely that he got this idea from certain flies and birds who were making no headway at all with rustling sounds.
我想我们都知道大自然给了男的连鬓胡及八字胡时，有个模糊的想法是会发现这些能够吸引女性。我们也都知道连鬓胡和八字胡非但远不能吸引她，反而让她紧张、忧郁，结果男的不得不去求助于翻筋斗、持长矛刺杀、表演客厅魔术来引起她的注意；他还不得不带给她糖果、鲜花和裘皮衣服。众所周知的是，尽管有那么多“示爱”行为，男性还是一再被泼冷水、受侮辱，或者被赶出门外。那么，在发现孔雀尽管有着绚丽多彩的羽毛，在求偶中也不是轻易而举时——世界上没有一种雄性能做到——就很能让人感到安慰。结果发现，追求者的漂亮长尾只是让第一只雌孔雀略微有触动。他还在把长尾扫来
拂去时，她经常会不声不响睡着了。《大英百科全书》告诉我们，事实上，孔雀不得不学会某种小把戏来把她弄醒并重新唤起她的兴趣：他得学会颤动他的翮羽，以发出一种沙沙响的声音。古时候，男的自己观察到孔雀的做法，很可能试过颤动自己的胡须，以发出沙沙响的声音；如果是这样，根本不能让他有任何进展。他不得不另想他法；这样，在别的办法中，他送起了礼物。并非不可能的是，他的这个主意得自某种苍蝇和鸟类，它们发出沙沙响的声音根本不顶用。
广东一日游One of the flies of the family Empidae, who had tried everything, finally hit on something pretty speci
al. He contrived to make a glistening transparent balloon which was even larger than himlf. Into this he would put sweetmeats and tidbits and he would carry the whole elaborate envelope through the air to the lady of his choice. This amud her for a time, but she finally got bored with it. She demanded silly little colorful prents, something that you couldn't eat but that would look nice around the hou. So the male Empis had to go around gathering flower petals and pieces of bright paper to put into his balloon. On a courtship flight a male Empis cuts quite a figure now, but he can hardly be said to be happy. He never knows how soon the female will demand heavier prents, such as Roman coins and gold collar buttons. It ems probable that one day the courtship of the Empidae will fall down, as man's occasionally does, of its own weight.
舞虻科有一只苍蝇在什么都尝试过之后，最后想到一个很不一般的主意。他设法做了个闪闪发光、甚至比自身还要大的气球，他往这个气球里放甜品和精选的食物，他会把整个精致的包裹空运至他选中的女士那里。这让她开心了一段时间，但最后又厌烦了，要求得到一些五颜六色的傻傻的小礼物，不能吃，但放在家里挺好看。所以那只雄性舞虻只好到处收集花瓣和鲜艳的纸片放进气球。求偶飞行中，一只雄性舞虻此时会显得很精神，但很难说他快乐。他永远不知道那只雌舞虻有多快就会索要更贵重的礼物，例如罗马时期的硬币和金领扣。似乎很可能有一天，舞虻之求偶会因为自身之重量而突然中断，就像人类的求偶间或也会如此。
The bowerbird is another creature that spends so much time courting the female that he never gets any work done. If all the male bowerbirds became nervous wrecks within the next ten or fifteen years, it would not surpri me. The female bowerbird insists that a playground be built for her with a specially constructed bower at the entrance. This bower is much more elaborate than an ordinary nest and is harder to build; it costs a lot more, too. The female will not come to the playground until the male has filled it up with a great many gifts: silvery leaves, red leaves, ro petals, shells, beads, berries, bones, dice, buttons, cigar bands, Christmas als, and the Lord knows what el. When the female finally condescends to visit the playground, she is in a coy and silly mood and has to be chad in and out of the bower and up and down the playground before she will quit giggling and stand still long enough even to shake hands. The male bird is, of cour, pretty well done in before the cha starts, becau he has worn himlf out hunting for eyeglass lens and begonia blossoms. I imagine that many a bowerbird, after chasing a female for two or three hours, says the hell with it and goes home to bed. Next day, of cour, he telephones someone el and the same trying ritual is gone through with again. A male bowerbird is as exhausted as a night-club habitue before he is out of his twenties.
花亭鸟也是这样一种动物，在求偶上花太多时间，结果却总是一事无成。如果所有雄性园丁鸟在未来
十到十五年内变成神经病，我是不会感到吃惊的。雌性花亭鸟坚持要一个玩乐场，入口处还要特别建一座花亭，这比一座普普通通的鸟巢要精致得多，而且
更难建造，花费更多。除非雄性花亭鸟在玩乐场上放很多礼物——银色光泽的树叶，红色树叶，玫瑰花瓣，贝壳，珠子，浆果，骨头，骰子，纽扣，雪茄条饰，圣诞贴纸还有天晓得别的什么——否则雌鸟就不会来。等到雌鸟终于大驾光临时，她还是有点忸怩，也不够认真，非得把她追进追出花亭，在玩乐场上追来追去，之后她才会不再咯咯笑，站着不动，甚至有时间握握手。当然，早在追逐之前，雄鸟就累得够戗，因为寻找眼镜片和秋海棠花已经让他累坏了。我想象有很多花亭鸟在追逐雌鸟追了两三个钟头后，会说去他妈的，然后回家睡觉。当然，第二天，他打电话给另外一只雌鸟，再次演练一遍同样艰苦的仪式。一只雄性花亭鸟疲惫得像是一位三十岁不到的夜总会常客。
The male fiddler crab has a somewhat easier time, but it can hardly be said that he is sitting pretty. He has one enormously large and powerful claw, usually brilliantly colored, and you might suppo that all he had to do was reach out and grab some passing cutie. The very earliest fiddler crab may have tried this, but, if so, they got slapped for their pains. A female fiddler crab will not tolerate any caveman stuff; she never has and she doesn't intend to start now. To attract a female, a fiddler crab has to stand on tiptoe and brandish his claw in the air. If any female crab in the neighborhood is interested--and you'd be surprid how many are not--she comes over and engages him in light badi
nage, for which he is not in the mood. As many as a hundred females may pass the time of day with him and go on about their business. By nightfall of an average courting day, a fiddler crab who has been standing on tiptoe for eight or ten hours waving a heavy claw in the air is in pretty sad shape. As in the ca of the male of all species, however, he gets out of bed next morning, dashes some water on his face, and tries again.
招潮蟹多少过得容易点，但很难说他的条件就有多好。他有一只有力的大螯，上面通常还色彩斑斓，你也许以为他大螯一伸，把路过的漂亮雌蟹一把拽过来就行了。最早期的招潮蟹也许这样尝试过，但是如果这样做了，会因为弄疼了对方而吃耳光。一只雌蟹不会容忍任何野蛮行径，她以前没有容忍过，现在也不准备开始容忍。为了吸引雌蟹，招潮蟹必须踮脚站着，在空中挥舞大螯。如果附近有哪只雌蟹有兴趣——你会对不感兴趣的雌蟹数量之多感到吃惊——她会过来跟他逗下乐，他却没心情这样。一个白天过去，可能会有多达一百只雌蟹跟他待一会儿，然后又去忙自己的事。普普通通的一天求偶下来，夜色降临时，一只招潮蟹踮着脚站了八到十个钟头，一边还得在空中挥舞沉重的大螯，此时状态很差。然而，就像所有物种的雄性一样，他第二天起床后，抹了把脸又去努力了。
The next time you encounter a male web-spinning spider, stop and reflect that he is too busy worrying about his love life to have any desire to bite you. Male web-spinning spiders have a tougher life than any other males in the animal kingdom. This is becau the female web-spinning spiders ha
猪肉丸子汤ve very poor eyesight. If a male lands on a female's web, she kills him before he has time to lay down his cane and gloves, mistaking him for a fly or a bumblebee who has tumbled into her trap. Before the species figured out what to do about this, millions of males were murdered by ladies they called on. It is the nature of spiders to perform a little dance in front of the female, but before a male spinner could get near enough for the female to e who he was and what he was up to, she would lash out at him with a flat-iron or a pair of garden shears. One night, nobody knows when, a very bright male spinner lay awake worrying about calling on a lady who had been killing suitors right and left. It came to him that this business of dancing as a love display wasn't getting anybody anywhere accepts the grave. He decided to go in for web- twitching, or strand-vibrating. The
next day he tried it on one of the nearsighted girls. Instead of dropping in on her suddenly, he stayed outside the web and began monkeying with one of its strands. He twitched it up and down and in and out with such a lilting rhythm that the female was charmed. The renade worked beautifully; the female let him live. The Britannica's spider-watcher, however, report that this system is not always successful. Once in a while, even now, a female will fire three bullets into a suitor or run him through with a kitchen knife. She keeps threatening him from the moment he strikes the first low notes on the outside strings, but usually by the time he has got up to the high notes played around the center of the web, he is going to town and she spares his life.
下次你遇到一只雄性织网蜘蛛时，不妨去想一想他太忙着操心自己的爱情生活，根本没怎么想咬你。动物王国中，雄性织网蜘蛛比任何别的雄性动物都过得不容易，那是因为雌蜘蛛视力很差。如果有一只雄性踏足一只异性的网上，他还没来得及放下手杖、取下手套呢，她就把他弄死了，把他当成闯进她的陷阱的一只苍蝇或者大黄蜂。在这一物种琢磨出对此该怎么办之前，成百上千只雄性就被他们去拜访的异性杀死了。蜘蛛的本性，是在雌性面前表演一段舞蹈，但是在一只雄性织网蜘蛛走得够近，好让雌蜘蛛看到他是谁、他想干吗之前，她会抄起一把熨斗或者园艺剪就招呼上了。有天晚上，没人知道几点几分，一只很聪明的雄性织网蜘蛛睡不着躺在那儿操心去见一位雌蜘蛛的事，那位雌蜘蛛已经结果了很多求爱者。他想到通过跳舞表达爱意无法让任何一只雄蜘蛛有什么进展，除了一命呜呼。他决定试试扯一扯网或者抖动一股丝。第二天，他去一只近视眼雌蜘蛛那里试试。他不是突然凑到她面前，而是待在网外面，摆弄起那张网的一股丝来。他上下前后扯动，节奏欢快，那只雌蜘蛛被吸引住了。这首小夜曲的效果很好，雌蜘蛛饶他不死。然而，《大英百科全书》的蜘蛛观察者称这种做法并非次次都能奏效。甚至到现在，偶尔还会有一只雌蜘蛛三枪干掉求爱者，或者拿一把餐刀把他捅个透心凉。他在网外奏响头一串低音音符之时，她就一再威胁要取他的性命，可是通常到了他在蛛网中心附近奏响高音符时，他就将得偿所愿，她放了他一命。
Many butterflies have to have scent scales on their wings. Hepialus carries a powder puff in a perfumed pouch. He throws perfume at the ladies when they pass. The male tree cricket, Oecanthus,
goes Hepialus one better by carrying a tiny bottle of wine with him and giving drinks to such doxies as he has designs on. One of the male snails throws darts to entertain the girls. So it goes, through the long list of animals, from the bristle worm and his rudimentary dance steps to man and his gift of diamonds and sapphires. The golden-eye drake rais a jet of water with his feet as he flies over a lakes Hepialus has his power puff, Oecanthus his wine bottle, man his etchings. It is a bright and melancholy story, the age-old desire of the male for the female, the age-old desire of the female to be amud and entertained. Of all the creatures on earth, the only males who could be figured as putting any irony into their courtship are the grebes and certain other diving birds. Every now and then, with a mighty "Whoosh!" he pops out suddenly a few feet from his girl friend, splashing water all over her. She ems to be persuaded that this is a purely loving display, but I like to think that the grebe always has a faint hope of drowning her or scaring her to death.经典文学书籍推荐
甚至蝴蝶吧，尽管他长得漂亮，也并非总能只是依靠扑扇翅膀和卖弄就能抱得美人归。很多蝴蝶翅膀上得长着香味翅瓣。蝠蛾在一个香囊里装有粉扑，路过时，会往雌蛾身上扑香粉。树蟋比幅蛾手段更高明，他拎着一小瓶葡萄酒，会请相中的异性喝酒。有种雄性蜗牛会扔飞镖来取悦异性。如此这般，这样做的动物名单有一长串——从刚毛蠕虫用它初级的舞步到人类用钻石和蓝宝石。金眼公鸭飞过湖面时会用脚溅起一股水，蝠
蛾有粉扑，树蟋有酒瓶，人类有蚀刻画。这是个令人愉快而又感到悲哀的故事，雄性想得到雌性的欲望历史悠久，雌性想要被取悦、逗乐的欲望历史悠久。地球上的所有动物中，只有雄和某种别的潜水鸟可以被看作在求偶中加入了讽刺意味。时不时，一只求偶的悄悄潜入湖底，然后很响亮的呼喇一声，突然在离女朋友几英寸的地方冒出来，把她溅一身水。她似乎被说服这不过是在表现爱意，可是我倾向认为雄总是有点希望把她淹死或者吓死。
专科排名I will clo this investigation into the mournful burdens of the male with Britannica's story about a certain Argus pheasant. It appears that the Argus displays himlf in front of a female who stands perfectly still without moving The male Argus the Britannica tells about was confined in a cage with a female of another species, a female who kept moving around, emptying ashtrays and fussing with lampshades all the time the male was showing off his talents. Finally, in disgust, he stalked away and began displaying in front of his water trough. He reminds me of a certain male (Homo sapiens) of my acquaintance who one night after dinner asked his wife to put down her detective magazine so that he could read a poem of which he was very fond. She sat quietly enough until he was well into the middle of the thing, intoning with great ardor and intensity. Then suddenly there came a sharp, disconcerting slap! It turned out that all during the male's display, the female had been intent on a circling mosquito and had finally trapped it between the palms of her hands. Th五国攻秦之战
e male in this ca did not stalk away and display in front of a water trough; he went over to Tim's and had a flock of drinks and recited the poem to the fellas. I am sure they all told bitter stories of their own about how their displays had been interrupted by females. I am also sure that they all ended up saying "Honey, Honey, Bless Your Heart."
我要讲一段《大英百科全书》中关于某只斑雉的故事，以此结束对雄性可悲负担的这番调查。似乎那只斑雉在一只雌性面前展示自己，雌性却完全无动于衷。（如果你看过几年前的《六月的月亮》，会记得歌曲作者对着他严肃而一动不动的妻子唱着《蒙大拿之月》的那一幕，你就会对雌斑雉大概会怎样看待她的配偶的展示有了些概念。）《大英百科全书》上所讲的那只雄斑雉跟另一种属的雌性关在一个笼子里，雄鸟展示自己的才能时，那位雌性一直走来走去，倒倒烟灰缸，摆弄一下灯罩。最后，他厌恶地阔步走开，开始对着一个水槽展示。他让我想到了我认识的某位男性（一位现代人），有天晚上晚饭后，他要妻子放下侦探小说，好让他给她读一首他很喜欢的诗。她坐得够安静，直到他热情洋溢、抑扬顿挫地把那首诗读到一半时，突然传来响亮而煞风景的“啪”的一声。后来发现在那位男性展示之时，那位女性始终在专心盯着一只盘旋的蚊子，终于把它拍死在两掌之间。所说的这位男性没有阔步走开去水槽前面展示，而是去了蒂姆酒馆，喝了很多杯酒，跟朋友们背诵那首诗。我敢说他们都讲了各自的伤心事，关于自己的展示怎样被女性所打断。我也敢说到最后，他们都唱起了《亲爱的，亲爱的，保佑你》。
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