Remember how weird it was to ask questions about x as a teenager? High school teacher Al Vernacchio answers his students’ questions about everything from DIY birth control to how to tell when a guy really likes you, in an excerpt from his new book.
On the first day of my Sexuality and Society class, I don’t pass around anatomy drawings. I don’t hand out pamphlets about safer x, although tho are stacked on a table near the door. Instead, the first thing I do is establish ground rules. People should speak for themlves, laughter is OK, we won’t ask “personal history” questions, and we’ll work to create a community of peers who care about and respect one another. Only then can we get to work.
I’m all about context. Talking about xuality, intimacy, relationships, and pleasure can’t be done in a vacuum.
In the back corner of my classroom is an old shoebox with a hole cut into the top of it. Next to the box are scraps of paper and some pencils. This is the Question Box, a place where kids can drop any question they have about human xuality. I answer the questio
ns both during class time and on a blog I maintain at school.
Here are some actual questions from students and my answers to them. I haven’t done any fancy editing; the are the questions just as the kids asked them. They run the gamut from innocent to downright technical. My answers are exactly as I gave them, to show how even a simple question allows for both information and value clarification to be offered in respon. Here goes:
Why is x so good?
There are two ways to answer this question. From the biological perspective, x feels good for an important evolutionary reason. If a species, like ours, is going to reproduce xually, then there’s an advantage if that action also feels good. As I’ve often said, if x felt like getting your tooth drilled at the dentist, people wouldn’t have it very often, and that could eventually threaten the survival of our species. Our bodies have evolved so that our genital regions, as well as many, many other parts of the body, are nsitive to xual stimulation.
A part of the body that brings xual pleasure when stimulated is called an erogenous zone. This does not mean just our genitals. All of us have many places on our bodies that result in xual pleasure when stimulated. Knowing your own and your partner’s erogenous zones can lead to much more fulfilling xual experiences. The mechanisms of xual pleasure involve a combination of nerve impuls, blood flow, and muscle tension. To find out more about this, you might Google the phra “human xual respon cycle” and look at the work of Masters and Johnson, two famous x rearchers who studied the body changes that happen when people get xually excited.
WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT IF WE COULD SAY, “THE THURSDAY FOLLOWING YOUR SIXTH DATE IS THE MOST APPROPRIATE DAY TO START HAVING SEX”? OF COURSE, THAT’S NOT THE WAY IT WORKS.
The cond reason x feels good is that humans have developed the emotional capacity to feel love, intimacy, and passion. The emotional states highlight and deepen xual pleasure.
While pleasure can exist without the emotions, it is much more significant when they are prent.
When is someone emotionally and physically ready for x?
I wish I had an answer that would be right for all people at all times, but the real answer is “it depends.” We are all unique individuals, and our relationships are all unique. Becau of that, there can’t be a standard answer to this question. Wouldn’t it be great if we could say, “The Thursday following your sixth date is the most appropriate day to start having x”? But, of cour, that’s not the way it works.
EMOTIONALLY, A PERSON HAS TO BE READY TO FACE OTHER PEOPLE’S RESPONSE, POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.
I think it’s appropriate to start being xually active with a sweetheart (and remember: I define xually active as being involved with someone el’s body for the purpo of giving and receiving xual pleasure) when intimacy, commitment, and passion are estab
lished and both people have pretty equal amounts of the feelings for each other. I don’t think the things develop quickly, so I don’t think xual activity is appropriate on a first date or early in a new relationship.
I also think people aren’t ready to become xually active if they can’t talk about it with their partners in a rious way, and also talk about safer x practices, contraception (if appropriate), and possible positive and negative conquences and how they’d deal with them. Emotionally, a person has to be ready to face other people’s respon, positive or negative, to the xual activity and be willing to share tho emotional reactions with his or her partner.
