last friends

TheOneWiththeThumb

Writtenby:JeffreyAstrof&MikeSikowitz.

Transcribedby:guineapig

[Scene:CentralPerk,everyonebutPhoebeisthere.]

Phoebe:(entering)Higuys!

All:Hey,Pheebs!Hi!

Ross:,oh,how'ditgo?

Phoebe:Um,edmetothesubwayandsaid'Weshould

dothisagain!'

All:.

Rachel:What?Hesaid'weshoulddoitagain',that'sgood,right?

Monica:Uh,ytranslated'Weshoulddothisagain'means'You

willneveremenaked'.

Rachel:Sincewhen?

Joey:'slikedatinglanguage.Y'know,like'It'snotyou'

means'Itisyou'.

Chandler:Or'You'resuchaniceguy'means'I'mgonnabedating

leather-wearingalcoholicsandcomplainingaboutthemtoyou'.

Phoebe:Or,or,y'know,um,'Ithinkweshouldeotherpeople'means

'Ha,ha,Ialreadyam'.

Rachel:Andeverybodyknowsthis?

Joey:nstheblow.

Chandler:Yeah,it'slikewhenyou'reakid,andyourparentsputyour

dogtosleep,andtheytellyouitwentofftoliveonsomefarm.

Ross:That'sfunny,that,no,becau,uh,ourparentsactuallydid,uh,

ndourdogofftoliveonafarm.

Monica:Uh,Ross.

Ross:What?Wh-hello?TheMillners'farminConnecticut?TheMillners,

theyhadthisunbelievablefarm,theyhadhors,and,andrabbitsthat

hecouldchaanditwas-itw-.....OhmyGod,ChiChi!

OpeningCredits

[Scene:ChandlerandJoey's,ChandlerishelpingJoeyrehearfora

part.]

Chandler:"Sohowdoesitfeelknowingyou'reabouttodie?"

Joey:"Warden,'llhaveto

livewiththeknowledgethatyountanhonestmantodie."

Chandler:Hey,thatwasreallygood!

Joey:Thanks!Let'skeepgoing.

Chandler:Okay."awantfromme,Damone,huh?"

Joey:"Ijustwannagobacktomycell.'Cauinmycell,Icansmoke."

Chandler:"Smokeaway."

(lesanddrops

lightsacigarett,takesadrag,andcoughs.)

Chandler:IthinkthisisprobablywhyDamonesmokesinhiscellalone.

Joey:What?

Chandler:Relaxyourhand!

(Joeyletshiswristgolimp.)

Chandler:Notsomuch!

Joey:Whoah!

Chandler:Hey!

Joey:Hey!

Chandler:Alright,nowtrytakingapuff.

(Joeytriesandvisiblywinces.)

Chandler:Alright..tome.

Joey:Nonono,Iamnotgivingyouacigarette.

Chandler:It'sfine,it',doyouwannagetthispart,ornot?

Here.

(Joeyreluctantlygiveshimthecigarette.)

Chandler:Don'fitasthethingthat's

u'reholdingit,

feelcomplete.

Joey:Y'missit?

Chandler:Nah,t,nowwesmoke.(Takesapuff.)Oh..

my..God.(Hecontinuestosmoke.)

[Scene,CentralPerk,everyoneexceptPhoebeandRachelisthere.]

Monica:No,no,yit'sthesameasthedistancefromthetip

ofaguy'sthumbtothetipofhisindexfinger.

(Theguysstretchouttheirfingers.)

Joey:That'sridiculous!

Ross:CanIu..eitherthumb?

Rachel:(carryingatrayofdrinks)Alright,don'ttellme,don'ttell

me!(Startshandingthemout.)DecafcappucinoforJoey..Coffeeblack..

Late..Andanicedtea.I'mgettingprettygoodatthis!

All:,excellent.

Rachel:(leavingtorveothers)Goodforme!

(

sitsdownwithoutsayinghi.)

Joey:Y'okay,Phoebe?

Phoebe:Yeah-no-I'mjust-it's,Ihaven'tworked-It'smybank.

Monica:Whatdidtheydotoyou?

Phoebe:It'snothing,it'sjust-Okay.I'mgoingthroughmymail,andI

openuptheirmonthly,youknow,STATEMENT-

Ross:Easy.

Phoebe:-andthere'sfivehundredextradollarsinmyaccount.

Chandler:Oh,Satan'sminionsatworkagain...

Phoebe:Yes,'caunowIhavetogodownthere,anddealwiththem.

Joey:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Keepit!

Phoebe:It'snotmine,Ididn'tearnit,ifIkeptit,itwouldbelike

stealing.

Rachel:Yeah,butifyouspentit,itwouldbelikeshopping!

Phoebe:,let'

youknowwhatI'dhear,witheverystepItook?'-mine.

Not-mine.'AndevenifIwashappy,okay,and,andskipping-'Not-not-mine,

not-not-mine,not-not-mine,not-not-mine'...

Monica:We't.

(Chandlerleansoverthebackofthecouchoutofsight.)

Phoebe:Okay.I'd-just-I'dbelike

thisgiantkarmicdebt.

Rachel:Chandler,whatareyoudoing?

Monica:(pulinghimup)adoing?

(Chandlertriestoshrugnonchalantlybuteventuallyhehastoexhalea

mouthfulofsmoke.)

All:Oh!Oh,God!

Ross:Whatisthis?!

Chandler:I'msmoking.I'msmoking,I'msmoking.

Phoebe:Oh,Ican'tbelieveyou!You'vebeensogood,forthreeyears!

Chandler:Andthis-ismyreward!

Ross:Holdonacond,alright?Justthinkaboutwhatyouwentthrough

thelasttimeyouquit.

Chandler:Okay,sothistimeIwon'tquit!

All:Ohhh!Putitout!

Chandler:Allright!I'mputtingitout,I'mputtingitout.(Hedrops

itinPhoebe'scoffee.)

Phoebe:Oh,no!I-Ican'tdrinkthisnow!

Monica:Alright.I'mgonnagochange,I'vegotadate.

Rachel:ThisAlanagain?How'sitgoin'?

Monica:'S'goingprettygood,y'know?It'snice,and,we'rehavingfun.

Joey:Sowhendowegettomeettheguy?

Monica:Let'se,today'sMonday...Never.

All:Oh,comeon!Comeon!

Monica:erwhathappenedwithSteve.

Chandler:Whatareyoutalkingabout?WeloveSchhteve!Schhtevewas

schhexy!..Sorry.

Monica:Look,Idon'veme

achancetofigurethatout.

Rachel:Well,thencanwemeethim?

Monica:ry.

[Scene:Iridium,MonicaandPaulaareatwork.]

Monica:Imean,whyshouldIletthemmeethim?Imean,Ibringaguyhome,

andwithinfiveminutesthey',they'relike-coyotes,

pickingofftheweakmembersoftheherd.

Paula:onewho'senmorethanherfairshareofbadbeef,

I'lltellyou:,they'reyour

friends,they'rejustlookingoutafteryou.

Monica:ishthatonce,I'dbringaguyhomethatthey

actuallyliked.

Paula:Well,youdorealitheoddsofthathappeningarealittleslimmer

iftheynevergettomeettheguy..

[Scene:MonicaandRachel's,Chandlerissmokingoutonthebalcony,

Phoebeisabnt.]

Joey:Letitgo,Ross.

Ross:Yeah,well,youdidn'tknowChiChi.

Monica:Doyouallpromi?

All:Yeah!Wepromi!We'llbegood!

Monica:(shoutstoChandler)Chandler?Doyoupromitobegood?

(Chandlermakesa'Crossmyheart'tstorainandhetaps

onthewindow.)

Joey:Youcancomein,butyourfilter-tippedlittlebuddyhastostay

outside!

(Chandlersulkiltypicksupagarbagecanlidandusitasanumbrella.)

(Phoebeenters,walkstothecouch,sitsdown,andbeginstoreadaletter

withoutsayinghi.)

Ross:Hey,Pheebs.

Phoebe:'ouforcallingattentiontoourerror.

'resorryfor

theinconvenience,andhopeyou'llacceptthis-(Searchesinherpur)

-footballphoneasourfreegift.'Doyoubelievethis?!NowIhavea

thousanddollars,andafootballphone!

Rachel:Whatbankisthis?

(Theintercombuzzes.)

Monica:'shim.(Ontheintercom)Whoisit?

Alan:(ontheintercom)It'sAlan.

Joey:(shoutingtoChandler)Chandler!He'shere!

(Chandlercomesin,drippingwet.)

Monica:(toall)Okay,pleabegood,memberhowmuchyou

alllikeme.

(SheopensthedoorandAlanenters.)

Monica:,ody,thisisAlan.

Alan:Hi.

All:Hi,Alan.

Alan:I'veheardschhomuchaboutallyouguyschh!

(Everyonelaughs.)

[Timelap,Alanisleaving.]

Monica:(toAlan)Thanks.I'llcallyoutomorrow.(Alanexits,toall)

,let''sgonnatakethefirst

shot,hmm?

(Silence.)

Monica:C'mon!

Ross:...I''sstartwiththewayhekeptpickingat-no,I'm

sorry,Ican'tdothis,can'dhim.

All:Lovedhim!Yeah!He'sgreat!

Monica:Waitaminute!We'retalkingaboutsomeonethatI'mgoingoutwith?

All:Yeah!

Rachel:Anddidyounotice...?(Shespreadsherthumbandindexfinger.)

TheGuys:(reluctantly)Yeah.

Joey:Knowwhatwasgreat?Thewayhissmilewaskindacrooked.

Phoebe:Yes,yes!Likethemanintheshoe!

Ross:...Whatshoe?

Phoebe:Fromthenurryrhyme.'Therewasacrookedman,Whohadacrooked

smile,Wholivedinashoe,Fora...while...'

(Dubiouspau.)

Ross:...SoIthinkAlanwillbecometheyardstickagainstwhichallfuture

boyfriendswillbemeasured.

Rachel:Whatfutureboyfriends?Nono,Ith-Ithinkthiscouldbe,y'know,

it.

Monica:Really!

Chandler:Oh,yeah.I'dmarryhimjustforhisDavidHaslhofimpression

wI'mgonnabedoingthatatparties,right?(Doesthe

impression)

Ross:YouknowwhatIlikemostabouthim,though?

All:What?

Ross:Thewayhemakesmefeelaboutmylf.

All:Yeah...

CommercialBreak

[Scene:CentralPerk,MonicaisaloneasRoss,Rachel,Chandler,andJoey

enterdejectedlyinsoftballgear.]

Monica:Hi..howwasthegame?

Ross:Well..

All:WEWON!!Thankyou!Yes!

Monica:Fantastic!Ihaveonequestion:Howisthatpossible?

Joey:Alan.

Ross:ikethat-that-thatBugsBunnycartoon

whereBugsisplayingallthepositions,right,butinsteadofBugsit

wasfirstba-Alan,condba-Alan,thirdba-...

Rachel:Imean,it-itwaslike,itwaslikehemadeusintoateam.

Chandler:Yep,wesureshowedthoHassidicjewellersathingortwoabout

softball..

Monica:CanIaskyouguysaquestion?D'youeverthinkthatAlanismaybe..

sometimes..

Ross:What?

Monica:..Idunno,alittletooAlan?

Rachel:Well,'neverbetooAlan.

Ross:Yeah,it'shis,uh,innateAlan-nessthat-that-thatweadore.

Chandler:IpersonallycouldhaveagallonofAlan.

[Scene:Astreet,Phoebewalksuptoahomelessperson(Lizzie)sheknows.]

Phoebe:Hey,Lizzie.

Lizzie:Hey,WeirdGirl.

Phoebe:Ibroughtyoualphabetsoup.

Lizzie:Didyoupickoutthevowels?

Phoebe:ftintheYs.'Cau,y'know,"sometimesy".Uh,I

alsohavesomethingelforyou.(Shearchesinherpur.)

Lizzie:Saltines?

Phoebe:No,butwouldyoulikeathousanddollarsandafootballphone?

Lizzie:What?(SheopenstheenvelopePhoebehasgivenher.)OhmyGod,

there'sreallymoneyinhere.

Phoebe:Iknow.

Lizzie:WeirdGirl,whatareyoudoing?

Phoebe:No,'twantit.

Lizzie:No,no,Iha-Ihavetogiveyousomething.

Phoebe:Oh,that'sfine,no.

Lizzie:Wouldyoulikemytin-foilhat?

Phoebe:No.',it'sokay,thanks.

Lizzie:Plea,letmedosomething.

Phoebe:Okay,alright,youbuymeasoda,andthenwe'?

Lizzie:Okay.

Phoebe:Okay.

[Scene:Chandler'soffice,Chandlerlooksaround,openshisdeskdrawer,

takesapuffofacigarette,spraysaroundsomeairfreshener,andtakes

sforalittlewhile,opensthedraweragain,

otpayingattention,

hespraysthebreathsprayaroundtheroom,takesasquirtofairfreshener

andgags.]

[Scene:AStreet,PhoebeandLizzieareatahotdogvendor.]

Lizzie:Keepthechange.(ToPhoebe)Sureyoudon'twannapretzel?

Phoebe:No,I'mfine.

Lizzie:(leaves)Seeya.

(Phoebeopensthecanandreacts.)

Phoebe:Huh!

[Scene:CentralPerk,Phoebeistellingeveryoneaboutherdiscovery.]

Ross:Athumb?!

(Phoebenods.)

All:Eww!

Phoebe:Iknow!Iknow,Iopeneditupandthereitwas,justfloating

inthere,likethistinylittlehitch-hiker!

Chandler:Well,maybeit'sacontest,y'know?Like,collectallfive?

Phoebe:Does,um,anyonewannae?

All:Nooo!

(Chandlerlightsacigarette.)

All:Oh,hey,don'tdothat!Cutitout!

Rachel:It'sworthanthethumb!

Chandler:Hey,thisissounfair!

Monica:Oh,whyisitunfair?

Chandler:SoIhaveaflaw!Bigdeal!LikeJoey'sconstant

knuckle-crackingisn'tannoying?AndRoss,withhisover-pronouncing

everysingleword?AndMonica,withthatsnortwhenshelaughs?Imean,

whatthehellisthatthing?...Iacceptallthoflaws,whycan'tyou

acceptmeforthis?

(Anawkwardsilenceensues.)

Joey:...Doestheknuckle-crackingbothereverybody?

Rachel:Well,I-Icouldlivewithoutit.

Joey:Well,isit,like,alittleannoying,orisitlikewhenPhoebechews

herhair?

(Phoebespitsoutherhair.)

Ross:Oh,now,don'tlistentohim,Pheebs,Ithinkit'ndearing.

Joey:Oh,(ImitatingRoss)"youdo,doyou"?

(Monicalaughsandsnorts.)

Ross:Youknow,there'snothingwrongwithspeakingcorrectly.

Rachel:"Indeedthereisn't"...Ishouldreallygetbacktowork.

Phoebe:Yeah,'cauotherwisomeonemightgetwhattheyactually

ordered.

Rachel:rcomesout,andtheglovescomeon.

(TheydegenerateintobickeringandChandlerhappilystartstosmoke,

undisturbed.)

[Scene:Iridium,MonicaandPaulaareworking.]

Monica:Didyouevergooutwithaguyyourfriendsallreallylike?

Paula:No.

Monica:Okay..Well,I'mgoingoutwithaguymyfriendsallreallylike.

Paula:Waitwait..wetalkingaboutthecoyoteshere?Allright,acowgot

through!

Monica:Canyoubelieveit?...Y'knowwhat?Ijustdon'tfeelthething.

Imean,theyfeelthething,Idon'tfeelthething.

Paula:Honey..,ifthat'show

youfeelabouttheguy,Monica,dumphim!

Monica:Iknow..it'sgonnabereallyhard.

Paula:Well,he'sabigboy,he'llgetoverit.

Monica:No,he''stheotherfiveI'mworriedabout.

[Scene:CentalPerk,JoeyandRossarepercutingChandlerabouthis

smoking.]

Joey:Doyouhaveanyrespectforyourbody?

Ross:Don'tyourealiwhatyou're-you'redoingtoyourlf?

Chandler:Hey,y'know,Ihavehaditwithyouguysandyourcancerand

tomlineis,smokingiscool,

andyouknowit.

Rachel:(holdingthephoneouttoChandler)Chandler?It'sAlan,hewants

tospeaktoyou.

Chandler:Really?Hedoes?(takingthephone)Hey,buddy,what'sup!Oh,

shetoldyouaboutthat,,yeah,,

yeah,,it'snotthatbig-..well,that'strue,..Gee,y'know,

no-one-no-one',okay,thanks!(He

handsthephonebackandstubsouthiscigarette.)

Rachel:(toRoss,whohaswanderedup)God,he'sgood.

Ross:Ifonlyhewereawoman.

Rachel:Yeah.

(Theygiveeachotheradubiouslook.)

[Scene:MonicaandRachel's,everyondexceptMonicaandJoeyiswatching

Lambchop.]

Chandler:Ooh,isthatsock?IfIhadasockonmyhand

forthirtyyearsit'dbetalkingtoo.

Ross:it'stimetochangesomebody'snicotinepatch.(Does

so.)

Monica:(entering)'sJoey?

Chandler:Joeyatemylaststickofgum,hink

thatwaswrong?

Rachel:Ithinkhe'sacrossthehall.

Monica:Thanks.(Goestofetchhim.)

Ross:(finishingchangingChandler'snicotinepatch)Therey'go.

Chandler:(deadpan)Ooh,I'malivewithpleasurenow.

Ross:HeyPheebs,yougonnahavetherestofthatPop-Tart?..Pheebs?

Phoebe:DoesanyonewanttherestofthisPop-Tart?

Ross:Hey,Imight!

Phoebe:Sorry...Y'know,thostupidsodapeoplegavemeventhousand

dollarsforthethumb.

All:You'd.

Phoebe:Andonmywayoverhere,Isteppedingum....Whatisupwiththe

univer?!

Joey:(draggedinbyMonica,hehasjustgottenoutoftheshower)What's

goingon?

Monica:hinkit'snicewhenwe'reallheretogether.

Joey:Evennicerwheneveryonegetstoweartheirunderwear..

Rachel:Uh,Joey..

Joey:Oh,God!(Hurriedlycloshislegs.)

Monica:(turnsofftheTV)Okay..

All:Oh!ThatwasLambchop!

Monica:Plea,guys,wehavetotalk.

Phoebe:Wait,wait,I'mgettingadejavu...no,I'mnot.

Monica:Alright,wehavetotalk.

Phoebe:Thereitis!

Monica:'s-it''ssomethingthatyoushouldknow.

Imean,there'sreallynoeasywaytosaythis..uh..I'vedecidedtobreak

upwithAlan.

(Theyallgaspandclutcheachother.)

Ross:Istheresomebodyel?

Monica:No,nononono..it'sjust..change.

Rachel:Wedidn'tchange..

Joey:Sothat'sit?It'sover?Justlikethat?

Phoebe:Youknow..youletyourguarddown,youstarttoreallycareabout

someone,andIjust-I-(startschewingherhair)

Monica:Look,I-Icouldgoonpretending-

Joey:Okay!

Monica:-butthatwouldn'tbefairtome,itwouldn'tbefairtoAlan-

Itwouldn'tbefairtoyou!

Ross:Who-whowantsfair?Y'know,Ijustwantthingsback.Y'know,the

waytheywere.

Monica:I'msorry..

Chandler:(sarcastic)Oh,she'ssorry!Ifeelbetter!

Rachel:(tearful)Ijustcan'tbelievethis!Imean,withtheholidays

comingup-Iwantedhimtomeetmyfamily-

Monica:I''llbeotherAlans.

All:Oh,yeah!Right!

Monica:Areyouguysgonnabeokay?

Ross:Heyhey,we''rejustgonnaneedalittletime.

Monica:(dubious)Iunderstand.

[Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaisbreakingthenewstoAlan.]

Alan:Wow.

Monica:I'm,I'mreallysorry.

Alan:Yeah,I',Igottatellyou,Iamalittlerelieved.

Monica:Relieved?

Alan:Yeah,well,Ihadagreattimewithyou..Ijustcan'tstandyour

friends.

ClosingCredits

[Scene:MonicaandRachel's,everyoneismoppingaroundandeatingice

cream.]

Rachel:RememberwhenwewenttoCentralParkandrentedboats?..That

wasfun.

Ross:drowlikeaviking.

Monica:(entering)Hi.

All:Mmm.

Ross:Sohow'ditgo?

Monica:Oh,y'know..

Phoebe:Didhementionus?

Monica:Hesaidhe'sreallygonnamissyouguys.(dubiouslook)

Ross:Youhadaroughday,huh..c'mere.(ShesitsdownandRossstrokes

herforehead.)

Chandler:...That'sit.I'mgettingcigarettes.

All:Nonono!

Chandler:(leaving)Idon'tcare,Idon'tcare!Game'sover!I'mweak!

I'vegottasmoke!I'vegottahavethesmoke!

Phoebe:(shoutingasheleaves)IfyouneversmokeagainI'llgiveyou

venthousanddollars!

Chandler:(returns)Yeah,alright.

End