you call it love

《WhatWeTalkAboutWhenWeTalkAboutLove》

innisisacardiologist,andsometimesthatgiveshimthe

right.

htfilledthekitchenfromthebig

ereMelandmeandhiscondwife,Teresa--Terri,wecalledher—and

mywife,ereallfromsomewhereel.

andthetonicwaterkeptgoingaround,andwesomehow

he'dspent

hestilllookedbackontho

yearsintheminaryasthemostimportantyearsinhislife.

Terrisaidtheman

Terrisaid,"

saying,'Iloveyou,Iloveyou,youbitch.'kept

knockingonthings."Terrilookedaroundthetable."Whatdoyoudowithlovelikethat?"

Shewasabone-thinwomanwithaprettyface,darkeyes,

likednecklacesmadeofturquoi,andlongpendantearrings.

"MyGod,don''snotlove,andyouknowit,"Melsaid."Idon'tknowwhatyou'dcallit,butI

sureknowyouwouldn'tcallitlove."

"Saywhatyouwantto,butIknowitwas,"Terrisaid."Itmaysoundcrazytoyou,butit'struejustthe

aredifferent,,

hisownwaymaybe,aslovethere,'tsaytherewasn't."

hisglassandturnedtoLauraandme."Themanthreatenedtokillme,"

shedhisdrinkandreachedfortheginbottle."Terri''softhekick-me

so-I',hon,don'tlookthatway."Melreachedacrossthetableand

touchedTerri'nedather.

"Nowhewantstomakeup,"Terrisaid.

"Makeupwhat?"Melsaid."Whatistheretomakeup?'sall."

"How'dwegetstartedonthissubject,anyway?"dherglassanddrankfromit."Mel

alwayshasloveonhismind,"shesaid."Don'tyou,honey?"Shesmiled,andIthoughtthatwasthelastof

it.

"Ijustwouldn'tcallEd''sallI'msaying,honey,"Melsaid."Whataboutyouguys?"

MelsaidtoLauraandme."Doesthatsoundlikelovetoyou?"

"I'mthewrongpersontoask,"Isaid."Ididn'tevenknowtheman.I'veonlyheardhisnamementionedin

n''inkwhatyou'resayingisthatloveis

anabsolute."

Melsaid,"ThekindofloveI'dofloveI'mtalkingabout,youdon'ttrytokill

people."

Laurasaid,"Idon'tknowanythingaboutEd,canjudgeanyone

el'ssituation?"

ItouchedthebackofLaura'dupLaura'arm,

thenailspolished,cledthebroadwristwithmyfingers,andIheldher.

“WhenIleft,hedrankratpoison,"spedherarmswithherhands."Theytookhimtothe

'swherewelivedthen,gums

hat,

God,"tedaminute,thenletgoofherarmsandpickedupherglass.

"Whatpeoplewon'tdo!"Laurasaid.

"He'soutoftheactionnow,"Melsaid."He'sdead."

ction,squeezeditovermydrink,andstirredtheicecubes

withmyfinger.

"Itgetswor,"Terrisaid.","shesaid.

Terrishookherhead.

"PoorEdnothing,"Melsaid."Hewasdangerous."

eandarmswerebrown

wassober,hisgestures,allhismovements,werepreci,very

careful.

"Hedidlovemethough,ethat,"Terrisaid."That'sallI''tlovemetheway

youloveme.I'grantmethat,can'tyou?"

"Whatdoyoumean,hebungledit?"Isaid.

herelbowsonthetableandheldherglassinbothhands.

SheglancedfromMeltoTerriandwaitedwithalookofbewildermentonheropenface,asifamazedthat

suchthingshappenedtopeopleyouwerefriendlywith.

"How'dhebungleitwhenhekilledhimlf?"Isaid.

"I'lltellyouwhathappened,"Melsaid."Hetookthistwenty-twopistolhe'dboughttothreatenTerriand

,I'mrious,uldhaveenthewaywelivedin

believeit?Aguylikeme?ButIdid.I

mesI'dhavetoleavethe

thehospital,youknow?TerriandIweren'tmarriedthen,

andmyfirstwifehadthehouandkids,thedog,everything,andTerriandIwerelivinginthisapartment

mes,asIsay,I'dgetacallinthemiddleofthenightandhavetogointothehospitalattwo

'dbedarkoutthereintheparkinglot,andI'dbreakintoasweatbeforeIcould

knewifhewasgoingtocomeupoutoftheshrubberyorfrombehindacar

,apableofwiringabomb,to

callmyrviceatallhoursandsayheneededtotalktothedoctor,andwhenI'dreturnthecall,he'dsay,

'Sonofabitch,yourdaysarenumbered.'cary,I'mtellingyou."

"Istillfeelsorryforhim,"Terrisaid.

"Itsoundslikeanightmare,"Laurasaid."Butwhatexactlyhappenedafterheshothimlf?"

'weknewit,itwasacourtship.

She'sthirty-five,tiontobeinginlove,welikeeachotherandenjoy

oneanother''asytobewith.

Whathappened?"Laurasaid.

Melsaid,"

cameinwithapasskey,sawwhathadhappened,nedtobethere

whentheybroughthimin,dswelleduptotwice

thesizeofanormalhead.I'dneverenanythinglikeit,antedtogo

'tthinksheshouldehim

'tthinksheshouldehim,andIstilldon't."

"Whowonthefight?"Laurasaid.

"Iwasintheroomwithhimwhenhedied,"Terrisaid."

didn'thaveanyoneel."

"Hewasdangerous,"Melsaid."Ifyoucallthatlove,youcanhaveit."

"Itwaslove,"Terrisaid."Sure,it'sabnormalinmostpeople'

dieforit."

"Isureashellwouldn'tcallitlove,"Melsaid."Imean,nooneknowswhathediditfor.I'veenalotof

suicides,andIcouldn'tsayanyoneeverknewwhattheydiditfor."

Melputhishandsbehindhisneckandtiltedhischairback."I'mnotinterestedinthatkindoflove,"he

said."Ifthat'slove,youcanhaveit."

Terrisaid,"nmadeawilloutandwrotetohisbrotherinCaliforniawhoudto

dhimwhotolookforifsomethinghappenedtohim."

d,"ButMel',

weren'tyou,honey?Ievencalledthepoliceatonepoint,idtheycouldn't

'tthatalaugh?"Terrisaid.

upfromthetableandwentto

downanotherbottle.

“Well,NickandIknowwhatloveis,"Laurasaid."Forus,Imean,"pedmykneewith

herknee."You'resuppodtosaysomethingnow,"Laurasaid,andturnedhersmileonme.

Forananswer,ItookLaura'bigproductionoutofkissingher

newasamud.

"We'relucky,"Isaid.

"Youguys,"Terrisaid."''restillonthehoneymoon,forGod's

'restillgaga,ghaveyoubeentogethernow?Howlong

hasitbeen?Ayear?Longerthanayear?"

"Goingonayearandahalf,"Laurasaid,flushedandsmiling.

"Oh,now,"Terrisaid."Waitawhile."SheheldherdrinkandgazedatLaura.

"I'monlykidding,"Terrisaid.

Melopenedtheginandwentaroundthetablewiththebottle.

"Here,youguys,"hesaid."Let'love,"Mel

said.

Wetouchedglass.

"Tolove,"wesaid.

Outsideinthebackyard,vesoftheaspenthatleanedpastthe

ernoonsunwaslikeaprenceinthisroom,thespaciouslightof

dhavebeenanywhere,edourglass

againandgrinnedateachotherlikechildrenwhohadagreedonsomethingforbidden.

"I'lltellyouwhatrealloveis,"Melsaid."Imean,I'nyoucandrawyour

ownconclusions."

andonherwarmthighandleftit

there.

"Whatdoanyofusreallyknowaboutlove?"Melsaid."Itemstomewe'

sayweloveeachotherandwedo,Idon'erriandTerrilovesme,andyouguyslove

wthekindofloveI'allove,thatimpulthatdrives

youtosomeonespecial,aswellasloveoftheotherperson'sbeing,hisorheresnce,asitwere.

Carnalloveand,well,callitntimentallove,

sometimesIhad,I

ndEd."Hethoughtaboutitandthenhewent

on."Ihateherguts.I

ouexplainthat?Whathappenedtothatlove?Whathappenedtoit,iswhatI'dliketoknow.I

ere',we'sTerrisomuchhetriesto

killherandhewindsupkillinghimlf."Melstoppedtalkingandswallowedfromhisglass."Youguys

'vebothbeenmarriedbefore,justlikeus.

Andyouprobablylovedotherpeoplebeforethattoo,ndIhavebeentogetherfiveyears,

terriblething,theterriblethingis,butthegoodthingtoo,thesavinggrace,

youmightsay,isthatifsomethinghappenedtooneofus--excumeforsayingthis--butifsomething

happenedtooneofustomorrow,Ithinktheotherone,theotherperson,wouldgrieveforawhile,you

know,butthenthesurvivingpartywouldgooutandloveagain,s,

allofthislovewe'retalkingabout,ng?

AmIwayoffba?BecauIwantyoutotmestraightifyouthinkI',I

don'tknowanything,andI'mthefirstonetoadmitit."

"Mel,forGod'ssake,"chedoutandtookholdofhiswrist."Areyougettingdrunk?

Honey?Areyoudrunk?"

"Honey,I'mjusttalking,"Melsaid."Allright?Idon',we'reall

justtalking,right?"dhiyesonher.

"Sweetie,I'mnotcriticizing,"Terrisaid.

Shepickedupherglass.

"I'mnotoncalltoday,"Melsaid."oncall,"hesaid.

"Mel,weloveyou,"Laurasaid.

edatherasifhecouldnotplaceher,asifshewasnotthewomanshewas.

"Loveyoutoo,Laura,"Melsaid."Andyou,Nick,wsomething?"Melsaid."You

guysareourpals,"Melsaid.

Hepickeduphisglass.

Hesaid,",,this

happenedafewmonthsago,butit'sstillgoingonrightnow,anditoughttomakeusfeelashamedwhen

wetalklikeweknowwhatwe'retalkingaboutwhenwetalkaboutlove."

"Comeonnow,"Terrisaid."Don'ttalklikeyou'redrunkifyou'renotdrunk."

"Justshutupforonceinyourlife,"Melsaidveryquietly."Willyoudomeafavoranddothatforaminute?

SoasIwassaying,there'tthemand

theywerealltorntoshitandnobodywasgivingthemmuchchancetopullthrough."

medanxious,ormaybethat'stoostrongaword.

Melwashandingthebottlearoundthetable.

"Iwasoncallthatnight,"Melsaid."ndIhadjustsatdownto

'id,teenager,plowed

hisdad'reupintheirmid-venties,that

--eighteen,nineteen,hesteeringwheelthroughhis

couple,theywerealive,,yhadeverything.

Multiplefractures,internalinjuries,hemorrhaging,contusions,lacerations,theworks,andtheyeachof

reinabadway,,ofcour,theiragewas

twostrikesagainstthem.I'edspleenalongwitheverything

y'dbeenwearingtheiratbeltsand,Godknows,that'swhatsaved

themforthetimebeing."

"Folks,thisisanadvertimentfortheNationalSafetyCouncil,"Terrisaid."Thisisyourspokesman,Dr

is,talking."Terrilaughed."Mel,"shesaid,"sometimesyou've

you,hon,"shesaid.

"Honey,Iloveyou,"Melsaid.

sd.

"Terri'sright,"Melsaidashettledhimlfagain."iously,theywerein

someshape,imeIgotdownthere,thekidwasdead,ffina

corner,nelookattheoldcoupleandtoldtheERnurtogetmea

neurologistandanorthopedicmanandacoupleofsurgeonsdownthererightaway."

Hedrankfromhisglass."I'lltrytokeepthisshort,"hesaid."SowetookthetwoofthemuptotheORand

dtheincrediblererves,that

deverythingthatcouldbedone,andtowardmorningwe'regivingthema

fifty-fiftychance,theyare,,okay,we

movethemintotheICU,whichiswheretheybothkeptpluggingawayatitfortwoweeks,hittingitbetter

ansferthemouttotheirownroom."

Melstoppedtalking."Here,"hesaid,"let''regoingtodinner,

right?'swherewe'llgo,'renot

goinguntilwefinishupthiscut-rate,lousygin."

Terrisaid,"Wehaven'eoutside,youknow."

"Ilikefood,"Melsaid."IfIhadittodoalloveragain,I'dbeachef,youknow?Right,Terri?"Melsaid.

eredtheiceinhisglass.

"Terriknows,"hesaid."ldcomebackagaininadifferentlife,

adifferenttimeandall,youknowwhat?I'eprettysafewearing

llrightbeingaknightuntilgunpowderandmusketsandpistolscamealong."

"Melwouldliketorideahorandcarryalance,"Terrisaid.

"Carryawoman'sscarfwithyoueverywhere,"Laurasaid.

"Orjustawoman,"Melsaid.

"Shameonyou,"Laurasaid.

Terrisaid,"fsdidn'thaveitsogoodinthodays,"Terrisaid.

"Therfsneverhaditgood,"Melsaid."'tthat

thewayitworked?'tthatright,Terri?ButwhatI

likedaboutknights,besidestheirladies,wasthattheyhadthatsuitofarmor,youknow,andtheycouldn't

inthodays,youknow?Nodrunkteenagerstotearintoyourass.

"Vassals,"Terrisaid.

"What?"Melsaid.

"Vassals,"Terrisaid."Theywerecalledvassals,notvesls."

"Vassals,vesls,"Melsaid,"whatthefuck'sthedifference?ht,"

Melsaid."SoI'edmystuff.I'maheartsurgeon,sure,butI'

,"Melsaid.

"Modestydoesn'tbecomeyou,"Terrisaid.

"He'sjustahumblesawbones,"Isaid."Butsometimestheysuffocatedinallthatarmor,'deven

omewherethatthey'dfall

offtheirhorsandnotbeabletogetupbecautheyweretootiredtostandwithallthatarmoronthem.

Theygottrampledbytheirownhorssometimes."

"That'sterrible,"Melsaid."That'saterriblething,they'djustlaythereandwaituntil

somebodycamealongandmadeashishkebaboutofthem."

"Someothervesl,"Terrisaid.

"That'sright,"Melsaid."

whateverthefuckitwastheyfoughtoverinthodays."

"Samethingswefightoverthedays,"Terrisaid.

Laurasaid,"Nothing'schanged."

ThecolorwasstillhighinLaura'ughtherglasstoherlips.

edatthelabelclolyasifstudyingalongrowofnumbers.

Thenheslowlyputthebottledownonthetableandslowlyreachedforthetonicwater.

“Whatabouttheoldcouple?"Laurasaid."Youdidn'tfinishthatstoryyoustarted."

cheskeptgoingout.

Thesunshineinsidetheroomwasdifferentnow,changing,leavesoutsidethe

windowwerestillshimmering,andIstaredatthepatterntheymadeonthepanesandontheFormica

ren'tthesamepatterns,ofcour.

"Whatabouttheoldcouple?"Isaid.

"Olderbutwir,"redather.

Terrisaid,"Goonwithyourstory,athappened?"

"Terri,sometimes,"Melsaid.

"Plea,Mel,"Terrisaid."Don'talwaysbesorious,'tyoutakeajoke?"

"Where'sthejoke?"Melsaid.

Heheldhisglassandgazedsteadilyathiswife.

"Whathappened?"Laurasaid.

,"Laura,ifIdidn'thaveTerriandifIdidn'tlovehersomuch,and

ifNickwasn'tmybestfriend,I'dfallinlovewithyou.I'dcarryyouoff,honey,"hesaid.

"Tellyourstory,"Terrisaid."Thenwe'llgotothatnewplace,okay?"

"Okay,"Melsaid."WherewasI?"edatthetableandthenhebeganagain.

"Idroppedintoeeachofthemeveryday,sometimestwiceadayifIwasupdoingothercallsanyway.

Castsandbandages,headtofoot,w,you'veenitinthemovies.

That'sjustthewaytheylooked,eye-holesandno-holesandmouth-holes.

,thehusbandwasverydepresdforthelongest

terhefoundoutthathiswifewasgoingtopullthrough,

abouttheaccident,,theaccidentwasonething,butitwasn'teverything.I'dgetuptohis

mouth-hole,youknow,andhe'dsayno,itwasn'ttheaccidentexactlybutitwasbecauhecouldn'te

imagine?I'm

tellingyou,theman'sheartwasbreakingbecauhecouldn'tturnhisgoddamnheadandehis

goddamnwife."

Mellookedaroundthetableandshookhisheadatwhathewasgoingtosay.

"Imean,itwaskillingtheoldfartjustbecauhecouldn'tlookatthefuckingwoman."

WealllookedatMel.

"DoyouewhatI'msaying?"hesaid.

htwasdraining

outoftheroom,odymadeamovetoget

upfromthetabletoturnontheoverheadlight.

"Listen,"Melsaid."Let''saboutenoughlefthereforoneshooterallaround.

Thenlet''sgotothenewplace."

"He'sdepresd,"Terrisaid."Mel,whydon'tyoutakeapill?"Melshookhishead."I'vetakeneverything

thereis."

"Weallneedapillnowandthen,"Isaid.

"Somepeoplearebornneedingthem,"Terrisaid.

estoppedrubbing.

"IthinkIwanttocallmykids,"Melsaid."Isthatallrightwitheverybody?I'llcallmykids,"hesaid.

Terrisaid,"WhatifMarjorieanswersthephone?Youguys,you'veheardusonthesubjectofMarjorie?

Honey,youknowyoudon''llmakeyoufeelevenwor."

"Idon'twanttotalktoMarjorie,"Melsaid."ButIwanttotalktomykids."

"Thereisn'tadaygoesbythatMeldoesn'tsayhewishesshe'die,"Terrisaid.

"Foronething,"Terrisaid,"she'sit'sjusttospitehimthatshewon'tgetmarried

aboyfriendwholiveswithherandthekids,soMelissupportingtheboyfriendtoo."

"She'sallergictobees,"Melsaid."IfI'mnotprayingshe'llgetmarriedagain,I'mprayingshe'llgetherlf

stungtodeathbyaswarmoffuckingbees."

"Shameonyou,"Laurasaid.

"Bzzzzzzz,"Melsaid,turninghisfingersintobeesandbuzzingthematTerri'lethis

handsdropallthewaytohissides.

"She'svicious,"Melsaid."SometimesIthinkI'w,thathat

that'slikeahelmetwiththeplatethatcomes-downoveryourface,thebiggloves,andthepaddedcoat?

I'stI'dmakesurethekidswereout,of

cour."

putbothfeeton

thefloorandleanedforward,elbowsonthetable,hischincuppedinhishands.

"MaybeIwon'tcallthekids,tisn'e's

thatsound?"

"Soundsfinetome,"Isaid."headrightonoutintothesunt."

"Whatdoesthatmean,honey?"Laurasaid.

"ItjustmeanswhatIsaid,"Isaid."'sallitmeans."

"Icouldeatsomethingmylf,"Laurasaid."Idon'tthinkI'e

somethingtonibbleon?"

"I'llputoutsomecheeandcrackers,"Terrisaid.

notgetuptogetanything.

leditoutonthetable.

"Gin'sgone,"Melsaid.

Terrisaid,"Nowwhat?"

heareveryone'hearthehumannoiwesatthere

making,notoneofusmoving,notevenwhentheroomwentdark.