摩登家庭第一季

摩登家庭第1季第24集

Claire：Oh，honey，haveagreattimeatthegame！

Phil:Thanks。

Claire:Mwa！Whyareyou...crunching?

Phil：Ordinarily，I’marulefollower，butwhensomeonetellsmeIcan’tbringmyown

snacksintotheirstadium,that’'safreecountry，right？Let’sjust

sayitrufflesme..。..。whensomegoobers。..tellmeIhavetospendhalfmypayday。。。

Ontheirhotdogs。

Claire:Plea,havethephotographerforanhour.

Phil:Okay。

Claire:Okay？And,sweetie，didyouhaveachancetotryonthewhitepantsIputinyour

clot?

Phil：Oh，whatdotheylooklike？

Claire:Istherereallyamoreclearwaytodescribewhitepants?Sweetie,iftheydon’tfityou,

you’regonnabetheonlyonenotwearingwhite，andthenyou’regonnastandout

like”where’sWaldo？”

Phil：Actually，”where’sWaldo？"doesn'’'sthe

challenge。

Claire:Thisportraitisincrediblyimportanttome。

Phil:Also,hisnameisjustWaldo。Sorry。

Claire：Ispentweekstryingtofindatimethatworksforeverybodyandfindingtheright

ucouldjustpromimethatyou’llcooperate，okay?

Phil:Ipromi。

Claire：Okay。

Phil：Thisisamazingthatyou’redoingthis。

Claire:Mm,thankyou。

Phil:You’rewonderful.

Claire：Thankyou.

Phil:Getinhere.

Claire:Okay.

Phil：Oh,nocando。

Claire:Oh。Oh。

Phil：Iloveyou.

Claire：Bye。

Jay：Where’smygoodunderwear？

Gloria：Thequestionis，whyisn'tallyourunderweargood，Jay?Youmakeaniceliving！

Jay：ThenewmaidkeepsmixingupmyunderwearwithManny's。PutonthefirstthingI

grabbed..。Itwaslikeacrotchtourniquet。Yougottotalktoher.

Gloria：Whyme?

Jay：hspeakthesamelanguage。

Gloria:She'sPortugue。Doyouknowhowoffensiveitisthatyouputallofusinthesame

mixingpot?

Jay:I’msorry。Pleaapologizetoherwhenyoutellhernottoputmyunderwear。。。

Gloria:Ican'ttalktoher!

Jay：Hey，guys.

Phil:Hey!

Jay:Where'sLuke?

Alex：I’mgoinginstead.

Phil:Lukesuddenlyrememberedaschoolprojectduetomorrow。

Jay：Oh，that'stough。Butit’sagoodlessonforthekid。Youknow,youmadea

commitment，yougottofollowthrough.

Phil：Yeah.

Gloria：Whatistheproject？

Phil：Uh，hehastointerviewsomebodywholivedthroughthe1960s。

Jay：Oh,no。Hello。Yeah,，sure,，comeonover。

Allright。Gloria，you’regonnahavetotakeMannytothegame。

Gloria:,vamos！

Manny：I'mstillgettingdresd！Hey，mom！Ithinkmydiet’sworking！Myunderwear

won'tstayup！

Mitchell：Oh,,you’reokaywithmenotgoingwithyoutoday,right?

Cameron:Ihavebeenhiredtosingataweddingthisweekend。Iwaspluckedfromobscurityaftera

ssyoucouldsayI’maprofessionalsingernow。

Mitchell:Idon’tknow。Well,they'repayingyouinflowers，so。.。

Cameron:Well,Iwouldhaveblownthemoneyonflowersanyway。They’resavingmeastep。Plus,

allthegreatdivasarerewardedinflowers。

Mitchell：They'realsogivenpaychecks。

Mitchell:It'sjust，I’mreallybadatsmalltalk，so。。。

Cameron：'snotaproblem.

Mitchell：Areyousure？Becauyou'vebeenquietallmorning.

Cameron：It’sbecauI'mrestingmyinstrument。

Mitchell：Okay。Ifeeltension.

Everyone:Kobe!

Phil:Hey，whatcanIdoforyou？Doyoulikebeingabasketball.。。Player？

Kobe:Yourious？

Phil：Ichoked。Ididn’tthinkyou’dlookuphere,atme。

Kobe:Littlepreparationnexttime。It'samentalgame。

Phil:Duallynoted。

Haley:What'swrong?

Claire:'sgonnaruinourwholefamilyportrait.

Claire:Okay，here’smyidea。I’leextendedfamily,alldresdin

white,inasingle—filelinedownthestairca.

Phil：Oh,likealineonthehighway。

Claire：No.

Phil：Ora-askijump.

Claire：No。Why。..whywouldIwantaskijump？

Phil:Idon'wastohavethewholefamilyonagiantbedlikein”WillyWonka。”

Claire:Yeah,butthat’sridiculous。

Phil:Ridicu—licious.

Haley：Idon’teanything。

Claire：SoI’mcrazy?

Haley：No！You're。..not.

Claire：Yourfatherwassuppodtofixthatstep。

Haley：Mom,you’reobssingoverthetiniestlittlething。

Claire:Soyoudoeit。

Haley：Yeah。Whatisthebigdealaboutthisonepicture?

Claire：Honey,youknowwhat？Idon'texpectyoutounderstand。Butallright。Whenyou’rea

mom,ute，Luke'sgonnabeshaving,AndAlexisgonnabeoff

atcollege,And。。。andyou'regonnabe。.。you’regonnabedoingsomethinggreat。Justwantto

w？

Haley：Ido。IknowIdon’tshowit，butthisfamily'sstillthemostimportantthingthatI。.。screw

it。

Claire：I’mgonnafixthebastard。Imean,riously，howhardcanitbe?Ifyourfathercandoit，

Icandoit，right？Allright。Ijustneedto。。。like，lift.。。

Haley：eit.

Claire：Uh—huh。Mm-hmm.

Phil：Theatsareamazing！

Gloria:Whyyouhavecandycomingoutofyourpants?

Phil：No,no,no,no，no，no，no。

Gloria:Huh？

Phil:Ibroughtmyownsnacks。NotbecauI’’s。Plus，Igetalittlerushfromthe

danger。Becool！Becool！Becool！Justlookstraightahead.I'!

Claire：Okay,Ijustmadeitwor。I’mnotfreakingout,though.I’mgonnacallyourdad，Andhe's

gonnatellmehowtofixthis.

Haley:"Oh，myGod，it’sdad”

Claire：Where?

Haley:Rightthere，behindKobe！

Claire：Oh!

Haley：Oh，howweirdisthis？

Claire：Quick。somethingtosaythat'llfreakhimout.

Haley:TellhimI’mpregnant！

Claire：No，I’，nyisthis?

Phil:Hey,it'sPhil。Youknowwhattodo.

Haley：Well,thatwasprettyfunny.

Mitchell：Oh,myGod！Oh,，myGod。Oh，myGod。Oh,,myGod.

。Oh,myGod!Oh,myGod!Oh,myGod!Oh，myGod！Oh!

Cameron:Excume。?

Mitchell:Thereisapigeoninourhou！WhatdoIdo？WhatdoIdo？

Cameron:Whoisthis？

Mitchell:nynow。

Cameron：Calmdown。Youknow,e，aroosterattacked

me，andmymomwrungitsneck，andwehaditfordinner。

Mitchell：!

Cameron:It'smoreafraidofyouthanyouareofit.

Mitchell：Pigeonsaren'tscaredofanything。Theystandonelectricalwires.

Cameron：You'regonnabefine，wwhat？Justaslongasyoudon't。..Oh，you

knowwhat?They'.

Mitchell：AslongasIdon’twhat?!Cam,aslongasIdon’t。..Oh！

Manny:Ooh，thekissCam！Wouldn'titbeembarrassingifthecamerawasonusandthenthe

crowdstarted。。.

Alex：We'rerelated。

Manny:Notbyblood。

Alex：Touchme,andtherewillbeblood。

Phil：Notus。

Gloria:What'swrongwithyou？

Phil：It'sthekiss—cam。.。Whenitlandsonyou，you'resuppodtokiss。It’smywife'sdad's

condwife,so，legallyokay,butstillweird。Thatwasawkward。And..。we’reback。

Gloria：Ay,’snotabigdeal.

Claire:on'thavetotalktoyourwife。Oh,we'regonnatalk，

’regonnatalkandtalk..。

Alex:Dad!MomsawyouonTV!You'redead.

Phil：Here’sthething。Thekiss—camisonlysuppodtobefortheenjoymentofthepeopleatthe

game!opledointheprivacyoftheirownsportsarenashouldbe

theirownbusiness。

Jay：So，in'66，Iworkedatmygrandfather’soffice-supplybusiness。Youknow,yourink，your

staples，ngtoofastforyou?

Luke：doanythinginterestinginthe’60s?

Jay：Well，onesummer,Isweptuphairatmyothergrandfather'sbarbershop.

Luke：Ugh,you’rekillingme!

Jay:Whatdoyouwant？

Luke：Idon’eckwith'sgrandfathermarchedonWashington。

Jay:ArtieBeckwith?Hecouldn'hedonWashington?

Luke:rtinLutherkingJr。

Jay:MartinLutherking?Guesswhocuthishair。

Luke：What？

Jay：DoyouknowwhocutMartinLutherkingJr。'shair？NeitherdoesLuke'steacher。

Luke:So,thebarbershopwasinWashington？

Jay：Okay.

Luke：Didyoucutanyotherfamoushair？

Jay：Oh，yeah，theKennedys,RichardNixon，outhinkbuzzAldrin

gothisnickname?

Luke：Awesome.

Mitchell:*welovetoplayinLily’sroom，wedon'tneedanymilk。*Okay，youknowwhat，

Lily？ngintothekitchentogetyourmilk。Whaaaaaaaaa!Aah！Aah！Aah!

Aah!Ohh!

Cameron：＊AveMaria。，Gratiaplena。Maria,，ave

Dominus。Dominustecum。Benedictatuinmulieributbenedictusfructusventrisventristui,Jesus，

aveMaria＊

Jay:Thenoneday,，"Canyoutakealittleoffthetopformy

friendhere？”Andit'sElvis。

Luke:Noway.

Jay：Greatestsingerthateverlived。。.afterSinatra。I’llfightanymanwhosaysdifferent.

Luke:MydadsaysthegreatestsingerwhoeverlivedisPeaboBryson。

Jay：ThenIguessIgottofightyourdad。

Luke：.

Alex：Lukesaysgrandpawantstofightyou.

Claire：Whydoeverythinghavetosuck？!

Haley:Let'I’mgettingapimple.

Claire:No！Doyouknowhowlongittookmetobookthisphotographer？Maybebythefireplace。

Haley：Yeah。That’saclassicold—personspotforaportrait。

Claire:Yeah,ifI’deverbotheredtopaintthathideousWall。

Phil:Claireisaperfectionist,Whichsometimesisagoodthing,Likewhenitcomestopickinga

meit’sabadthing，Likewhen，uh,everyoneelessomethingbeautiful，And

allsheesistheteeny，tinyflaw.

Claire：eisadisaster。Canwedothispictureatyourplace？

Mitchell：Yeah，yeah,that's。。.that’snotgonnawork。

Claire:Maybeonemorelayer。..andtight,reallytight。Dad，canyoucallthemagain？

Jay：’ntintoovertime.

Claire:Iknow，butwe'relosingthelight，Andthephotographerhasgottogettoabarmitzvahin

10minutes。Oh,?Now?

Jay:Youknow，honey，Ithinkyou’regettingalittletoouptightaboutthis。

Claire:Mm—hmm。

Luke:It'shardtobreathe。Oh，you'refine。

Jay:What’dyoudotohim?He’sturningblue。

Claire：Yeah,buthisclotheswillstaywhite.

Gloria:We'rehome！

Claire：Oh，thankGod！

Phil:Hello!

Gloria：Manny,let’sgochange。Mwah!

Jay:'smybeautifulwife.

Phil：Iknowyou'remadatme,andIknowthisfoamfingercan’tmapforeverything.。。

Claire:Honey,youjustgochange，andwe'lltalkaboutwhatyoudidlater。

Phil:.。。Thankyousomuchforthotickets。

Jay：Gloriatellsmeyouhadarealgoodtime.

Phil:Notreally。No，Ididn'，Iloveyourdaughter。Ohh！Ishould。。。Ishouldcome

byandkissthatstep。。.fixthatstep.

Mitchell：Ugh，you'reactinglikeIwantedtodestroythehou.

Cameron:No,Ijustthinkit’soddthatthemajorityofthingsyoudestroyedwerenttousbymy

mom。

Mitchell:Oh,okay,okay,okay,SowhileI’mfightingoffthatfilthycreature，Iactuallystopand

say，”oh，youknowwhat？Here'stheopportunityI'vealwaysbeenlookingfor”Todestroyour

kitschiestobjects。”

Cameron：”kitschiest”?Oh，she’w,ifyouwouldhavejustcomewithme

tothewedding,noneofthiswouldhavehappened.

Mitchell：Okay，soyouareangry.

Cameron:Mitchell，Igetit。You’reterrifiedofsmalltalk。。。andbirds。You’rejustluckythat

pigeondidn'twanttochatyouupabouttheweather。Hello,Jay.

Jay：Hello，guys。

Claire:Oh,God！Oh,youlookliketheguyfrom"dancefever"！

Phil：Thankyou.

Jay:and，Ohio。

Claire：Dad,notacompliment。That’swhyIwantedyoutotrythoonearlier。

Turnaround.

Haley：Thepicturecan'thappentoday。Mypimple’sgettingwor.

Claire：Oh，honey，Iamsosorry。Canyoustand？

Haley：Yeah?

Claire:Well,then，thepicture'shappening。

Haley：It'sallanybody’sgonnae!

Claire:Iwouldn'tbesosureaboutthat。Didyougetalookatherdress？

Phil:What？！WhywouldIlookatherdress?Iloveyou!

Photographer：Uh,istting.

Claire:Oh，okay，yeah，ody，comeon，let’sgo.

Jay：ful。Istainedsomefurnitureouttherethisafternoon。

Claire:Ofcouryoudid,dad。AnythingelIneedtoknowabout?Maybetheneighborsoneither

，，inhisinfinitewisdom，stainedfurniture

''，hurry!

Phil：Putthatdown,sweetheart。

Claire：Okay，okay,’regonnagoouthere。We'reready。Oh,myGod！Are

youkiddingme?！

Jay：ht，howdoyou.。.Howdoyouturnthesprinklersoff？

Gloria:Ay，ofcour,becauI’mLatina，I'msuppodtoknoweverythingaboutgardeningand

sprinklers！

Jay：Youwereherewhentheyinstalledit！

Gloria:Ay,yeah。Ay.。。Theboxisacrosstheyard.

Claire：Youmeanthenow-soaking—wetyard?That'sgreat。Wearescrewed。

Phil:No,we’n’lksoverthere,"hurt

locker”-style,Flipstheswitch，andboom！...Or，notboom..。wateroff。Putthe"he”in”hero,”

son。

Claire：Ohh。

Cameron：”hurtlocker.”It's.。。it'smorelike”squirtlocker.”Really？Thatwasn’tfunny？I

actuallypityyouguys。

Claire：No!Notimetocelebrate！Stopit!Wedon’thavealotoftime.

Photographer：Allright，everybody,ifIcanhavethelittleonesoutfront。.。

Claire：Youknowwhat,sir？Ifyoudon’tmind.。。I’,'sgetout

,Alex,Ineedyoutounwrapyourbrother,allright?IneedtheDunphysoveronthisside.

Dad,you’ll，Cam，Lilyonthind.

Phil：Okay。Listen。

Claire:Uh—huh？

Phil：IknowIscrewedup，Butifeveryou’reinmyarmsagain。。.

Claire：Phil,notnow.

Phil:Yes，now！Idon’twanttolookatthispicturewhenI'm80yearsoldandyou’relongdeadand

knowthatyouwereangryatmeWhenwetookit!

Claire：Phil，we'lltalkaboutwhatyoudidlater.

Photographer:Okay，erhere。

Phil：Ididn’tdoanything。Shekisdme.

Claire:What？!Whokisdyou?

Phil:Gloria。

Jay:What？！

Gloria：Itwasthekiss—cam。

Jay：WhydidyoukissCam？

Gloria:No，IkisdPhil。HetoldmeIhadto.

Phil：.

Claire：Okay。Hangonacond。Wasthisbeforeorafteryouignoredthephonecallfromyour

wife？

Phil：Yousawthat,too？！

Claire：Mm.

Jay:Couldwepleajusttakethedamnpicture？!

Photographer:Okay,everybody,onemoretime.

Cameron：Justsoyouknow，Iamangrywithyou.

Mitchell：Iknewit！

Claire:Oh,damnit!

Cameron:Itwasabigdayforme，andhedidn’ttogobecauhedoesn'tlikesmalltalk！

Claire：Woulditbeterriblyinconvenienttojustpostponethishissyfitforafewminutes？

Mitchell:Okay,youknowwhat？！Maybesomeofusdon’twanttotakeapicturetoday!

Haley:Thankyou！

Cameron:Yeah,and,plea,Claire，don'ttrytomakeMitchelldosomethinghedoesn'twanttodo。

Mitchell:Oh,shutup,Cam！

Claire：Okay，stopit!Stopit！Everyone！Listen,thistookmeforevertoputtogether，SoIdon’t

reallycarewhokisdwhoandwho’sgotapimpleonherhead，Andwhoiswearinganoutrageously

inappropriatedress！Wearegonnagettogetherandactlikeanormalfamilyfor1/10ofafreaking

cond,andwe’,let'sgo。

Mitchell:Getyourhandsofforme!

Claire：No。No，。

Jay：Oh,thisisridiculous！You'rebothuptightabouteverything!Youdidn'twanttogotoa

weddingwithhimbecauyoudidn'twanttomakesmalltalk？That'

rememberthefirstthingIsaidtoyou？

Gloria:Yes。”Ilikechocolate，Ilikefruit,Butnottogether.”

Jay：Youcouldn’tcomeupwiththat，Ivyleague？Andyou..。youwouldbealothappierIfyou

weren'tsoobsdwitheverythingbeingperfect。Lookatushereallinwhite。Whatarewe，a

cricketteam?Newsflash...lifeisnotperfect，Claire。Now,calmthehelldown！

Claire:Okay，dad,that’sgreat。Andthat'sreallyeasyforyoutosay,ButdoyouthinkIlikebeing

likethis？No，Idon’uhavesomequickandeasyfix，Whydon’tyoujustgiveittome

rightnow？Ohh！Oh！Oh!Oh,myGod！

Phil：I-Igotthis，baby.

Claire:No！Whatare。。.Whydidyoudothat？Twopeoplearedirty!

Mitchell:Well,three.

Cameron：Okay，youknowwhat？That’sfor"kitschy。"

Luke：Mudfight！

Claire：'tdothat！

Photographer:Excume!Arewestilldoingthis?

Claire：No。No,we're.

Gloria：Ready!

Luke：Whoo—hoo！

Manny：Aah!

Photographer：Say”chee。”

Gloria：Say”chee！"

Jay:Backin'68,whenIwassweepinguphairinthatbarbershop，Ihadthismentalpictureofthe

familythat,IfIwasluckyenough，onedayIwouldendupwith...Perfectwife,

''mthankfulforthateveryday。

Well,mostdays.

Luke:IthinkI’mjustgonnagowiththeElvisstuff.

Jay：Yeah，Iwould。

Claire:Totheright.。.Totheright...er.I’mgonnahaveto

takethepicturedownwhenIrepaintthewallanyhow。

Phil：Killmenow.

Claire:What?

Phil:Don'tknowhow.。。Igotsolucky。

Claire：Mm-hmm?

Phil：Iloveyou。

Claire：Ilovethatpicture。

Phil:Yeah。

Claire：Isthatachipontheframerightthere?

Phil:No。No.

Claire:Icaneit.

Phil:Honey！