绝望的主妇第一季

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MynameisMaryAliceYoung.

Inthismorning'spaper,youmaycomeacrossanarticleabouttheunusualdayIhad

ly,there'sneveranythingnewsworthyaboutmylife,butthatall

,everythingemedquitenormalatfirst.

Imadebreakfastformyfamily.

Iperformedmychores.

Icompletedmyprojects.

Iranmyerrands.

Intruth,IspentthedayasIspenteveryotherday,quietlypolishingtheroutine

ofmylifeuntilitgleamedwithperfection.

That'swhyitwassoastonishingwhenIdecidedtogotomyhallwayclotand

retrievearevolverthathadneverbeenud.

Mybodywasdiscoveredbymyneighbor,Mrs.

MarthaHuber,who'dbeenstartledbyastrangepoppingsound.

Hercuriosityaroud,Mrs.

Hubertriedtothinkofareasonfordroppinginonmeunannounced.

Aftersomeinitialhesitation,shedecidedtoreturntheblendershehadborrowed

frommesixmonthsbefore.

[Screeams]It'smyneeighbor.

Ithinkshee'sbeeeenshot.

Theeree'sbloodeeveerywheeree.

Yees,you'veegottoendanambulancee.

You'veegottoendoneerightnow.

And,foramoment,Mrs.

Huberstoodmotionlessinherkitchen,grief-strickenbythisnlesstragedy.

Butonlyforamoment.

IftherewasonethingMrs.

Huberwasknownfor,itwasherabilitytolookonthebrightside.

IwaslaidtorestonaMonday.

Afterthefuneral,alltheresidentsofWisteriaLanecametopaytheirrespects.

And,aspeopledointhesituations,theybroughtfood.

LynetteScavobroughtfriedchicken.

Lynettehadagreatfamilyrecipeforfriedchicken.

Shedidn'tcookmuchwhilemovingupthecorporateladder.

Shedidn'thavethetime.

Butwhenherdoctorannouncedshewaspregnant,herhusbandTomhadanidea.

"Whynotquityourjob?""Kidsdobetterwithstay-at-homemoms.

Itwouldbesomuchlessstressful.

"Butthiswasnottheca.

Infact,Lynette'slifehadbecomesohecticshewasnowforcedtogetherchicken

fromthefast-foodrestaurant.

Lynettewould'veappreciatedtheironyifshe'dthoughtaboutit.

Butshedidn'thavethetime.

-Stopit,stopit,stopit.

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-But,Mom.

No.

Youareegoingtobeehaveetoday.

Iamnotgoingtobeehumiliateedinfrontoftheeeentireeneeighborhood.

And,justsoyouknowhoweriousIam-What'sthat?-Santa'sceell-phonee

yougeetthat?Iknowsomeeoneewhoknowssomeeoneewhoknowsan

nyofyouactsup,soheelpmee,IwillcallSantaandIwillteell

himyouwantsocksforChristmas.

Areeyouwillingtoriskthat?OK.

Leet'sgeetthisoveerwith.

GabrielleSoliswholivesdowntheblockbroughtaspicypaella.

SincehermodelingdaysinNewYork,Gabriellehaddevelopedatasteforrichfood

,whoworkedinmergersandacquisitions,propodontheir

thirddate.

Gabriellewastouchedwhentearswelledupinhiyes.

ButshesoondiscoveredthishappenedeverytimeCarlosclodabigdeal.

Gabriellelikedherpaellapipinghot.

However,herrelationshipwithherhusbandwasconsiderablycooler.

IfyoutalktoAlMasonatthisthing,meentionhowmuchIpaidforyour

neecklacee.

Whynotpintheereeceeipttomycheest?Heeleetmeeknowwhatheepaidforhis

wifee'sconveertiblee.

-Justworkitin.

-Theeree'snowayIcan.

Whynot?AttheeDonahueepartyeeveeryoneewastalkingmutualfunds.

YoumeentioneedyousleeptwithhalftheeYankeeeeoutfieeld.

Itcameeupintheeconteextoftheeconveersation.

Peeopleeareestaring.

Keeeepyourvoiceedown.

Absoluteely.

Weewouldn'twanttheemtothinkwee'reenothappy.

BreeVanDeKamp,wholivesnextdoor,broughtbasketsofmuffinsshebakedfrom

sknownforhercooking.

Andformakingherownclothes.

Andfordoingherowngardening.

Andforre-upholsteringherownfurniture.

Yes,Bree'smanytalentswereknownthroughouttheneighborhood.

ne,

thatis,exceptherownfamily.

y.

-Heello,Mrs.

VanDeeKamp.

-Youshouldn'thavee.

Itwasnotroublee.

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Theebaskeetwiththeereedribbonisforyourgueests.

TheeoneewiththeeblueeribbonisjustforyouandZachary.

It'sgotrolls,muffins,breeakfasttypeethings.

Thankyou.

TheeleeastIcoulddowasgiveeyouadeeceentmeealtolookforwardtointhee

morning.

Iknowyou'reeoutofyourmindswithgrieef.

Yees,weearee.

Iwillneeeedtheebaskeetsbackonceeyou'reedonee.

Ofcoure.

SusanMayer,wholivesacrossthestreet,broughtmacaroniandchee.

Herhusband,Karl,alwaysteadherabouthermacaroni,sayingitwastheonly

thingsheknewhowtocookandsherarelymadeitwell.

ItwastoosaltythenightsheandKarlmovedintotheirhou.

ItwastoowaterythenightshefoundlipstickonKarl'sshirt.

SheburneditthenightKarltoldherhewasleavingherforhiscretary.

Ayearhadpasdsincethedivorce.

Susanhadstartedtothinkhowniceitwouldbetohaveamaninherlife.

Evenonewhowouldmakefunofhercooking.

Mom,whywouldsomeeoneekilltheemelvees?Weell,someetimeespeeopleeareeso

unhappy,theeythinkthat'stheeonlywaytosolveetheeirprobleems.

-Mrs.

Youngalwayseeemeedhappy.

-Yeeah.

Someetimeespeeopleepreeteendtobeeoneeway,wheentheey'reetotallydiffeereent

owDad'sgirlfrieendalwayssaysniceethings,butweeknowshee's

abitch.

Idon'tlikeethatword,Juliee.

But,yeeah,that'sagreeateexamplee.

[Man]You'reeweelcomee.

[Juliee]What'sgoingon?SorryI'mlatee.

-Hi,Susan.

-Heey.

SowhatdidKarlsaywheenyouconfronteedhim?You'llloveethis,heesaid,"It

doeesn'tmeeananything.

Itwasjustex.

"Ah,yees,pageeoneeoftheephilandeereer'shandbook.

TheenheegotthisZeenlookonhisfaceeandsaid,"Youknow,mostmeenlivee

liveesofquieetdeespeeration.

"-Teellmeeyoupuncheedhim.

-No.

Isaid,"Whatdomostwomeenleead?Liveesofnoisyfulfillmeent?"-Goodforyou.

-Didheehaveetobanghisecreetary?Ihadthatwomantobrunch.

Aneereectpeenisdoeesn'thaveeaconscieencee.

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Eveentheelimponeesareen'tthateethical.

ThisiswhyIjoineedtheeNRA.

WheenReexstarteedgoingtothoeconfeereencees,Iwanteeditintheebackof

hismindthatheehadawifeewithaloadeedSmith&Weesson.

Lynniee,Tom'salwaysaway.

Doyoueeveerworryheemight?Hee'sgotteenmeepreegnantthreeeetimeesinfour

yeears.

Iwishheewashavingexwithsomeeoneeeele.

So,Susan,isheegonnastopeeeingthatwoman?Idon'tknow.

I'msorry,youguys,IjustIjustdon'tknowhowI'mgonnasurviveethis.

Listeentomee.

Weeallhaveemomeentsofdeespeeration.

Ifweecanfaceetheemheead-on,that'swheenweefindouthowstrongweereeally

aree.[Faroff]Susan.

Susan.

IwasjustsayingPaulwantsustogooveeronFriday.

HeeneeeedsustoheelppackupMaryAlicee'sthings.

Heecan'tfaceedoingitbyhimelf.

-Suree.

That'sfinee.

-AreeyouOK?Yeeah.

I'mjustsoangry.

IfMaryAliceewashavingprobleems,sheeshould'veeleetusheelpheer.

Whatprobleemscouldsheehaveehad?Sheewasheealthy,hadagreeathomee,anicee

feewasOurlifee.

No.

IfMaryAliceewashavingacrisis,wee'dhaveeknown.

Sheelivees50feeeetaway,forGodsakees.

Gabby,theewomankilleedheerelf.

Someethingmust'veebeeeengoingon.

-Iwouldn'teeatthatifIweereeyou.

-Why?Imadeeit.

Trustmee.

Heey,heey,doyouhaveeadeeathwish?No,Ijustdon'tbeelieeveethatanybody

canscreewupmacaroniandcheeeee.

Oh,myGod.

Howdidyou?Ittasteeslikeeit'sburntandundeercookeed.

Yeeah,Igeetthatalot.

Heereeyougo.

Thanks.

I'mMikeeDeelfino.

IjuststarteedreentingtheeSims'houeneextdoor.

SusanMayeer.

Iliveeacrosstheestreeeet.

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Mrs.

Hubeertoldmeeaboutyou.

Saidyouillustrateechildreen'sbooks.

Yeeah,I'mveerybigwiththeeundeer-fiveeet.

-[Heelaughs]-Whatdoyoudo?Plumbeer.

Soifyoueeveerhaveeaclogorsomeething.

Nowthateeveerybody'seeenthatIbroughtsomeething,Ishouldprobablyjust

throwthisout.

-[Babysqueeals]-Ow.

Eaeup,youlittleevampiree.

Lyneettee,I'veebeeeenlookingalloveerforyou.

Areeyouawareeofwhatyoursonsareedoing?Cannonball!-[Boy]Stop!-[Boys

cheeeer]Whatareeyoudoing?Weeareeatawakee.

-Yousaidweecouldgointheepool.

-Isaidyoucouldgobytheepool.

Doyouhaveeyourswimsuitson?Yeeah,weeput'eemonourelveesbeeforeewee

leeft.

Youthreeeeplanneedthis?Allright.

That'sit.

Geetout.

-No.

-No?Iamyourmotheer.

YouhaveetodowhatIsay.

Comeeon.

Weewanttoswimandyoucan'tstopus![Chatteer][Sheegroans]Heeree.

-No!-Geetout.

ThinkIwon'tgeetinthispoolandjustgrabyou?Geetout!Oh!Geetoveerheeree.

Allright,giveemeeyourarm.

YouYah!That'sright.

Geetoveerheeree.

Go,go,go,go,go.

Moveeit.

Out.

Geetout.

Paul,weehaveetoleeaveenow.

Onceeagain,Iamsosorryforyourloss.

Go.

Lynetteshouldn'thavebeensoconcernedaboutmyhusband.

Hehadotherthingsonhismind.

Thingsbelowthesurface.

Themorningaftermyfuneral,myfriendsandneighborsquietlywentbacktotheir

busy,busylives.

Whilesomedidtheircookingandsomedidtheircleaningandsomedidtheiryoga

othersdidtheirhomework.

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-Hi-[dogbarks]I'mJuliee.

Ikickeedmyballintoyourbackyard.

Oh,OK.

Weell,leet'sgoroundandgeetit.

-Stay.

-[Doggrowls]Hiswifeedieedayeearago.

InLAtheereeweereetoomanymeemoriees.

Hee'sreentingfortaxpurpoes,buthopeestobuysoon.

-Ican'tbeelieeveeyouweentoveertheeree.

-Isawyouflirting.

Nowyouknowhee'ssinglee,youcanaskhimout.

Juliee,IlikeeMr.

Deelfino,Ido.

IjustIdon'tknowifI'mreeadytodateeyeet.

Youneeeedtogeetbackouttheeree.

Howlonghasitbeeeensinceeyou'veehadex?-AreeyoumadIaskeedyouthat?-

No,I'mtryingtoreemeembeer.

Idon'twanttotalktoyouaboutmyloveelifee.

Iwouldn'thaveesaidanything.

JustWhat?IheeardDad'sgirlfrieendaskifyou'ddateedanyoneesinceethee

divorcee.

AndDadsaidheedoubteedit.

Andtheentheeybothlaugheed.

[Dogbarks]Heey,Susan.

Hi,Mikee.

Ibroughtyouahoue-warminggift.

Ishould'veebroughtsomeethingbyeearlieer.

-Actually,you'reetheefirsttostopby.

-Reeally?-Susanknewshewaslucky.

-WeellAneligiblebachelorhadmovedontoWisteriaLaneandshewasthefirstto

oknewthatgoodnews-Heellotheeree.

travelsquickly.

EdieBrittwasthemostpredatorydivorc?einafive-blockradius.

Herconquestswerenumerous.

Varied.

Andlegendary.

[Prieest]WhAh!Hi,Susan.

IhopeeI'mnotinteerrupting.

YoumustbeeMikeeDeelfino.

Hi,I'mEdieeBritt.

Iliveeoveertheeree.

WeelcomeetoWisteeriaLanee.

Susanhadmettheenemy.

Andshewasaslut.

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Thankyou.

What'sthis?Sausageeputtanesca.

It'sjustsomeethingIthreewtogeetheer.

Weell,thanks,Ediee.

That'sgreeat.

I'dinviteeyouin,butIwasintheemiddleeofsomeething.

-I'mlateeforanappointmeent.

-Ijustwanteedtosayhi.

Andjustlikethat,theraceforMikeDelfinohadbegun.

Foramoment,SusanwonderedifherrivalrywithEdiewouldremainfriendly.

Oh,Mikee,Iheeardyou'reeaplumbeer.

ButshewasremindedthatwhenitcametomenCouldyoustopbylateerandtakeea

lookatmypipees?womendon'tfightfair.

-Suree.

Thanks.

Byee,Susan.

-Youcan'tordeermeearound.

-Gabrieellee.

No,no.

I'mnotgoing.

Tanakaeexpeecteveeryoneetobringtheeirwivees.

EveerytimeeI'maroundthatman,heetrieestograbmyass.

Imadeeoveer200,000doingbusineesswithhimlastyeear.

Ifheewantstograbyourass,leethim.

[Windchimees]-John.

-Ow!Mr.

Solis,youscareedmee.

Whyisthatbushtheeree?Youweereesuppoedtodigitup.

-Ididn'thaveetimee.

-Idon'twanteexcues.

Justtakeecareeofit.

Ireeallyhateetheewayyoutalktomee.

AndIhateethatIspeent$15,000onyourdiamondneecklaceeyoucouldn'tlivee

without.

ButI'mleearningtodeealwithit.

SocanIteellTanakawee'llbeetheereetomorrow?John,weehaveebandageestop

sheelfintheekitcheen.

Thanks,Mrs.

Solis.

Finee,I'llgo.

ButI'mkeeeepingmybackpreesedagainsttheewalltheeeentireetimee.

Seeee,mie.

-IsyourfingeerOK?-Yeeah,it'sjustasmallcut.

Leetmeeeee.

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Mmm.

Youknow,Mrs.

Solis,Ireeallylikeeitwheenweehookup,but,um,youknow,Igottogeetmy

workdoneeandIcan'taffordtoloethisjob.

Thistableewashand-carveed.

CarloshaditimporteedfromItaly.

Itcosthim$23,000.

Youwanttodoitontheetableethistimee?Absoluteely.

[Geentleeclassicalmusic]Whycan'tweeeeveerhaveenormalsoup?Danieellee,

theereeisnothingabnormalaboutbasilpur?ee.

Oncee,canweehaveeasouppeeopleehaveeheeardof?-LikeeFreenchonionornavy

beean?-Yourfatheercan'teeatonions.

Hee'sdeeathlyalleergic.

AndIwon'teeveendignifyyournavybeeansuggeestion.

So,how'stheeossobuco?-It'sOK.

-It'sOK?Ispeentthreeeehourscookingthismeeal.

Howdoyouthinkitfeeeelswheenyousay,"It'sOK"inthatsulleentonee?Who

askeedyoutospeendthreeeehoursondinneer?Excuemee?TimHarpeer'smomgeets

homeefromwork,popsopeenacanofporkandbeeans,andtheey'reeeeating,

eeveeryonee'shappy.

-You'dratheerIerveedporkandbeeans?-Apologizeenow,Ibeeg.

I'msayingdoyoualwayshaveetoerveecuisinee?Can'tweejusthaveefood?-

Areeyoudoingdrugs?-What?Changeeinbeehaviorisawarningsignandyouhavee

beeeenasfreeshaspaintfortheelastsixmonths.

Iteexplainswhyyou'reealwaysintheebathroom.

-Thatisnotwhathee'sdoing.

-Shutup.

Mom,I'mnottheeoneewiththeeprobleemheeree.

You'reetheeoneeactinglikeeshee'srunningforMayorofSteepford.

Reexeeeingthatyou'reetheeheeadofthishouehold,I'dappreeciateeyou

eesalt?Threedaysaftermyfuneral,Lynettereplaced

hergriefwithamuchmoreufulemotion.

Indignation.

Tom,thisismyfifthmeessageeandyoustillhaveen'tcalleedmeeback.

Youmustbeehavingalotoffunonyourbusineesstrip.

Icanonlyimaginee.

Gueesswhat,theekidsandIwanttohaveesomeefuntoo,sounleessyoucallmee

backbynoon,wee'reegeettingaplaneeandjoiningyou.

-Mom.

-Notnow.

Mommy'sthreeateeningDaddy.

-Mom.

-No,I-Wheereeareeyourbrotheers?-Noodlees,myfavoritee.

-LyneetteeScavo?-[Undeerheerbreeath]Crap.

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NatalieeKleein.

Idon'tbeelieeveeit.

-Lyneettee.

Howlonghasitbeeeen?-Yeears.

Howareeyou?How'stheefirm?-Good.

Eveeryoneemisesyou.

-Yeeah.

Weeallsay,ifyouhadn'tquityou'dbeerunningtheeplaceebynow.

Yeeah,weell.

Sohow'sdomeesticlifee?Don'tyoujustloveebeeingamom?Andthereitwas.

ThequestionthatLynettealwaysdreaded.

Weell,tobeehoneestForthowhoaskedit,onlyoneanswerwasacceptable.

SoLynetterespondedasshealwaysdid.

Shelied.

It'stheebeestjobI'veeeeveerhad.

[Gasps]-YouknowwhatIdon'tgeet?-What?WhyyoumarrieedMr.

Solis.

Weell,heepromiedtogiveemeeeeveerythingI'veeeeveerwanteed.

-Anddidhee?-Yees.

Theenwhyareen'tyouhappy?TurnsoutIwanteedalltheewrongthings.

Sodoyouloveehim?Ido.

Sotheenwhyareeweeheeree?Whyareeweedoingthis?BeecaueIdon'twantto

wakeeuponeemorningwithasuddeenurgeetoblowmybrainsout.

-Heey,canIhaveeadrag?-Absoluteelynot.

Youareemuchtooyoungtosmokee.

HowwouldyoufeeeelifIuedyourchildsupportpaymeentsforplasticsurgeery?

Stopbeeingneervous.

You'reejustaskinghimtodinneer.

Nobigdeeal.

You'reeright.

Soisthatyourprojeectforschool?InfifthgradeeImadeetheeWhiteeHoueout

ofsugarcubees.

Stopstallingandgo.

BeeforeeMikeefigureesoutheecandobeetteer.

TeellmeeagainwhyIfoughtforcustodyofyou.

-YouweereeusingmeetohurtDad.

-Oh,that'sright.

Oh,God.

-Hi.

-Heey,Susan.

-Areeyoubusy?-No,notatall.

What'sup?Weell,IIjust,uh,waswondeeringififtheereewasanychanceethat

you,uhIjustwanteedtoaskif-Ediee.

-Heey,theeree,Susan.

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-Whatareeyou?-Iwasmakingambrosia.

AndImadeetoomuchsoIthoughtI'dbringsomeeoveertoMikee.

-What'sgoingon?-Susanwasgonnaaskmeesomeething.

Uh-Ihaveeaclog.

-Excuemee?-Andyou'reeaplumbeer,right?-Yeeah.

-Theeclog'sintheepipee.

-Yeeah,that'susuallywheereetheeyaree.

-Weell,I'veegotonee.

-OK.

Leetmeegeetmytools.

Now?Youwanttocomeeoveernow?Youhaveecompany.

Idon'tmind.

Justgiveemeetwominutees.

I'llbeerightoveer.

[Squeealsquieetly][Breeatheesheeavily]That'sit.

-Stufftheehairdown.

-Istuffeedit.

-It'snoteenoughtoclogit.

-Heeree.

Heeree.

Look.

Putinthispeeanutbutteer.

Andthiscookingoil.

-Mom-Andtheeeolivees.

-It'snotworking.

-[Doorbeell]Oh,God.

That'shim.

HowamIgonnastopuptheesink?Weell,heeree'odystuffeed

abunchofPopsicleesticksdownheeree.

I'veetoldJulieeamilliontimeesnottoplayintheekitcheen.

Kids,youknow.

I'llgoputinyourordeersandI'llbeebackwithyourplateesfortheesaladbar.

Thankyou.

Andreew,Danieellee,napkins.

Thankyou.

Theeyhaveevideeogamees.

Canweegoplayuntilourfoodgeetsheeree?-Thisisfamilytimee.

Ithink-Goaheeadandplay.

IknowyouthinkI'mangryaboutcomingheeree,butI'mnot.

Theekidswanteedachangeeofpacee,someethingfun.

Igeetit.

Theey'llwantsomeethingheealthieertomorrow,though.

-I'mthinkingchickeensaltimbocca.

-Iwantadivorcee.

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Ijustcan'tliveeinthisthisdeeteergeentcommeercialanymoree.

Theesaladbar'stheeree.

Heelpyourelf.

Thankyou.

Um,IthinkI'llgogeetyoursaladforyou.

-BreeeeVanDeeKamp.

-Oh,heello,Mrs.

Hubeer.

Weedidn'tgeetachanceetotalkatMaryAlicee'swakee.

Howareeyoudoing?Breelongedtosharethetruthaboutherhusband'spainful

betrayal.

ButsadlyforBree,admittingdefeatwasnotanoption.

Greeat.

Eveerythingisjustgreeat.

Igotyoutheehoneeymustarddreessing.

Theeranchlookeedalittleebitsuspeect.

AreeweegonnatalkaboutwhatIsaid?IfyouthinkI'lldiscussmymarriageeina

placeewithreest-roomslabeeleed"Chicks"and"Dudees",you'reeoutofyourmind.

-What'sinthis?-Whatdoyoumeean?It'ssalad.

-Withwithonions.

-What?-Youputonionsinmysalad.

-NoIdidn't.

Oh,wait.

[Digging]Thesoundthatawakenedmysonwassomethinghe'dheardonlyoncebefore.

Manyyearsagowhenhewasquiteyoung.

Butherecognizeditinstantly.

[Grunts]Itwasthesoundofafamilycret.

[Grunts]Sevendaysaftermyfuneral,lifeonWisteriaLanefinallyreturnedto

normal.

Which,forsomeofmyfriends,wasunfortunate.

-Mommy,Mommy!-Nowwhat?-Daddy'shomee!-[Boyscheeeer]Comeeon!Heey,is

anybodyhomee?-Heey!-Heey!Iwasn'teexpeectingyouforaweeeek.

Ihaveetogobackto'Friscointheemorning.

ButIgotyourcall.

Yousoundeedfrazzleed.

Yeeah.

-It'sbeeeenalittleerough.

-Hi.

Yeeah.

Peeachees.

Didyoubuyusanypreeents?Oh,God,preeents.

Waitup.

Leetmeeeee.

-Ohhh!-Yeeah!ButI'mnotgivingittoyouunleessyoupromietogooutsidee

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rightnowandpractiethrowingfor20minutees.

-Yeeah!Yeeah!Yeeah!-Punks.

Geetout!Who'sopeen?Goout.

Deeeepeer.

Deeeepeer.

Touchdown!Oh,myGod.

Oh,no.

Yougottobeekidding.

I'meexhausteed.

Ilookteerriblee.

I'mcoveereedinpeeachees.

-I'msorry,baby.

Igottohaveeyou.

-Weell,isitOKifIjustlieeheeree?-Absoluteely.

-[Sheelaughs]-Iloveeyou.

-IloveeyoumoreeOh,baby.

Wait.

Iwashavingtroubleewithsweelling.

Theedoctortookmeeofftheepill.

Putonacondom.

-Acondom?-Yeeah.

What'stheebigdeeal?Leet'sriskit.

-Leet'sriskit?-Yeeah.

-Ican'tbeelieeveeyoutrieedtokillmee.

-Yees,weell,Ifeeeelbadlyaboutthat.

Mrs.

HubeercameeoveerandIgotdistracteed.

Itwasamistakee.

-Sinceewheendoyoumakeemistakees?-Whatdoeesthatmeean?ItmeeansI'msick

ofyoubeeingsodamnpeerfeectalltheetimee.

I'msickoftheebizarreewayyourhairdoeesn'tmovee.

I'msickofyoumakingourbeedintheemorningbeeforeeI'veeuedtheebathroom.

You'reethisplasticsuburbanhouewifee,withheerpeearlsandspatula,whosays

thingslikee"WeeoweetheeHeendeersonsadinneer.

"Wheeree'stheewomanIfeellinloveewithwhouedtoburntheetoastanddrink

milkoutoftheecarton?Andlaugh.

Ineeeedheer.

Notthiscold,peerfeectthingyou'veebeecomee.

Theeeneeeedwateer.

Breesobbedquietlyintherestroomforfiveminutes,butherhusbandneverknew.

BecauwhenBreefinallyemergedshewasperfect.

-Ifoundmyeearrings.

Weecangonow.

-WasJohnheereetoday?Weell,yeeah.

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Theelawnhasn'tbeeeenmoweed.

I'veehadit.

Wee'reegeettingareealgardeeneer.

-Why?-Areeyoudeeaf?Ijustsaidhee'snotdoinghisjob.

It'sdark.

Youjustcan'teeetheelawnhasbeeeenmoweed.

-Ithasn't.

Feeeelthisgrass.

-I'mnotfeeeelingtheegrass.

Leet'sjustgeetgoing.

Comeeon,wee'reelatee.

-Takeecareeofit.

-Yees,sir.

Theeree'sTanaka.

Timeeformeetogoanddomydancee.

Goodluck,sweeeetheeart.

Youeeethatmanjustwalkeedaway?Canyoumakeesureeheehasadrinkinhis

handallnightlong?Yees,ma'am.

[Squeeals]Mm.

-Susan?Susan!-Mrs.

Hubeer,howareeyoudoing?Nottooweell,I'mafraid.

I'mtryingtofindsomeethingtosootheemystomach.

-It'supet?-Yeeah.

Ihadtheeworstmacaroniandcheeeeeattheewakee.

It'sbeeeenrunningthroughmee.

AndIneeeedtobeeatmybeest.

EdieeBritt'ssonisspeendingtheenight.

Hee'sspeendingtheenight?Edieeishavingageentleemanfrieendoveerfor

dinneer,andIthinksheeplansoneenteertainingintotheeweeeehours,ifyou

knowwhatImeean.

Oh,heeree'ssomeeantacid.

Haveeyoueeveertrieedthis?Ican'tbeelieeveeit.

Thiscan'tbeehappeening.

Mikeecan'tlikeeEdieebeetteerthanmee.

Youdon'tknowwhat'sgoingon.

Maybeetheey'reejusthavingdinneer.

You''reedoingit.

Ediee?Ediee?Heello?Anybodyhomee?Ineeeedtoborrowsugar.

[#MarvinGayee:Let'sGetItOnplaysonsteereeo][Ediee]Oh,myGod!Oh,yees!

Giveeittomee!Andjustlikethat,thepossibilitySusanhadclungto,themaybe

ofMikeDelfino,wasgoneforever.

[Sighs]Anddespitetheprecariousnessofhersituation,Susantookamomentto

mournherloss.[Gasps]Oh.

[blows]Oh!Oh![Squeeals]Itdidn'ttakeSusanlongtorealize,thiswasjustnot

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hernight.

[Ediee]Issomeebodyouttheeree?-[Smokeealarm]-Oh,myGod!That'ssmokee!

[Sireens][Two-wayradio]Oh,myGod.

Sheeleeftcandleesunatteendeedintheedeen.

Parameedicsaidsheewaslucky.

Sheecould'veebeeeenkilleed.

[Lyneettee]Sheeranoutwithnothingon.

-Sheewashavingexwithsomeeguy.

-Whathappeeneedtohim?Heegotsmokeeinhalation.

Hee'.

Susan,areeyouallright?Youlookawful.

I'mfinee.

I'mfinee.

Ijust,uh,feeeelreeallybadforEdiee.

Oh,honeey,don'tworryaboutEdiee.

Shee'sastronglady.

Absoluteely.

Shee'llgeetthroughthis.

Shee'llfindawaytosurvivee.

Weealldo.

Comeeon.

-Wow!Whathappeeneed?-Mikee!Andsuddenlytherehewas.

Likeaphoenixrisingfromtheashes.

IIthoughtyouweereeuhWheereeweereeyou?Ijustgotbackfromtheemoviees.

Edieehadafiree,huh?Yeeah.

Yeeah,butshee'sfineenow.

Eveerything'sfineenow.

Andjustlikethat,Susanwashappy.

Lifewassuddenlyfullofpossibilities.

Nottomentionafewunexpectedsurpris.

-Hello.

-It'smee.

-Haveanythingyet?-No,nothingyeet.

Butdon'tworry.

I'mdeefiniteelygeettingcloer.

Ibroughtsomeechampagnee.

Ithoughtweeshouldhaveeatoast.

Thenextdaymyfriendscametogethertopackawaymyclothes,mypersonal

belongingsandwhatwasleftofmylife.

Allright,ladiees,lift'eemup.

ToMaryAlicee,agoodfrieendandneeighbor.

Wheereeveeryouaree,weehopeeyou'veefoundpeeacee.

-ToMaryAlicee.

-ToMaryAlicee.

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Leet'sgeetthisshowontheeroad.

Youguys,cheeckoutMaryAlicee'sclothees.

Sizeeeeight?Ha!Sheealwaystoldmeesheewasasizeesix.

-Weefoundtheeskeeleetoninheercloet.

-Notquite,Gabrielle,notquite.

-What'sthat?-AleetteeraddreesedtoMaryAlicee.

Howironic.

TohavesomethingItriedsodesperatelytokeepcret,treatedsocasually.

-Whatareeyoudoing?That'sprivatee.

-It'sopeen.

What'stheebigdeeal?-Whatdoeesthismeean?-Don'outthee

postmark.

Oh,myGod.

Sheegotittheedaysheedieed.

Doyouthinkthisiswhyshee?I'msosorry,girls.

Ineverwantedyoutobeburdenedwiththis.

Oh,MaryAlicee,whatdidyoudo?