sonofthebitch

1.

THEaddressforgeeksand„TheBigBangTheory“fans!

THEBIGBANGTHEORY

by

ChuckLorre&BillPrady

Season1,Episode2(s01e02)

Title:TheBigBranHypothesis

--->Dialogonly<---

LEONARD

i,nopeanuts.

HOWARD

Doesithavepeanutoil?

LEONARD

I'nekeepaneye

onHowardincahestartsto

swellup.

SHELDON

Sinceit'snotbeeason,youcan

havemyepinephrine.

RAJESH

Arethereanychopsticks?

SHELDON

Youdon'

Thaifood.

LEONARD

Herewego.

SHELDON

Thailandhashadtheforksincethe

latterhalfofthe19thcentury.

Interestinglytheydon'tputthe

forkintheirmouththeyuitto

putthefoodonaspoonwhichthen

goesintotheirmouth.

LEONARD

Askhimforanapkin,Idareyou.

I'llgetit.

HOWARD

DoIlookpuffy?Ifeelpuffy.

2.

PENNY

Hey,Leonard.

LEONARD

Oh,hi,Penny.

PENNY

AmIinterrupting?

LEONARD

No.

SHELDON

You'renotswelling,Howard.

HOWARD

No,no,'re

likeViennasausages.

PENNY

Soundslikeyouhavecompany.

LEONARD

They',

you'recominghomefromwork.

That'work?

PENNY

Well,youknow,it'saCheecake

ordercheecake

andIbringitto'em.

LEONARD

Soyoukindofactaslikea

carbohydratedeliverysystem?

PENNY

Mm...Yeah,callitwhateveryou

want,,

anywaysIwaswonderingifyou

couldhelpmeoutwithsomething,

I'mkinda...

LEONARD

Yes.

PENNY

,great,I'mhavingsome

furnituredeliveredtomorrowandI

maynotbehere,so,oh...Hello.

HOWARD

[speaksinRussian]

PENNY

I'msorry?

HOWARD

Haven'tyoueverbeentoldhow

beautifulyouareinflawless

Russian?

PENNY

No,Ihaven't.

3.

HOWARD

Getudtoit.

PENNY

Yeah,Iprobablywon',

Sheldon.

SHELDON

Hi.

PENNY

Hey,ottalkingtome,

huh?

SHELDON

Don'ttakeitpersonally,it'shis

'ttalktowomen.

HOWARD

Hecan'ttalktoatractivewomen,

orinyourca,acheecake-

scentedgoddess.

LEONARD

Sothere'sgonnabesomefurniture

delivered?

PENNY

Yeah,tshereandI'm

notheretomorrow,couldyoujust

signforitandhavethemputitin

myapartment?

LEONARD

Yeah,noproblem.

PENNY

Great,here'

you.

LEONARD

Penny,wait.

PENNY

Yeah?

LEONARD

Um...Ifyoudon'thaveanyother

plans,doyouwanttojoinusfor

ThaifoodandaSupermanmovie

marathon?

PENNY

Amarathon?Wow,howmanySuperman

moviesarethere?

SHELDON

You'rekidding,right?

PENNY

Yeah,IdoliketheonewhereLois

Lanefallsfromthehelicopterand

Supermanswooshesdownandcatches

newasthat?

4.

LEONARD,SHELDON,

HOWARD,RAJESH

One.

SHELDON

Yourealizethatscenewasrife

withscientificinaccuracy.

PENNY

Yes,Iknow,mencan'tfly.

SHELDON

No,'sassumethattheycan.

neisfalling.

Acceleratingataninitialrateof

32feetpercondpercond.

Supermanswoopsdowntosaveherby

reachingouttwoarmsofsteel.

MissLane,whoisnowtravelingat

approximately120milesanhour,

hitsthemandisimmediatelysliced

intothreeequalpieces.

LEONARD

UnlessSupermanmatchesherspeed

anddecelerates.

SHELDON

Inwhatspace,sir?Inwhatspace?

She's2feetabovetheground.

Yeah,frankly,ifhereallyloved

her,he'dletherhitthepavement.

It'dbeamoremercifuldeath.

LEONARD

Excume,yourentireargumentis

predicatedontheassumptionthat

Superman'sflightisafeatof

strength.

SHELDON

Areyoulisteningtoyourlf?It

iswellestablishedthatSuperman's

anextensionofhisabilitytoleap

tallbuildings,anabilityhe

derivesfromexposuretoEarth's

yellowsun.

HOWARD

Yeahandyoudon'thaveaproblem

withthat?Howdoesheflyat

night?

SHELDON

nationofthemoon's

solarreflectionandtheenergy-

storagecapacityofKryptonianskin

cells.

PENNY

I'mjustgonnagowashup.

5.

LEONARD

Ihave2600comicbooksinthere.I

challengeyoutofindasingle

referencetoKryptonianskincells.

SHELDON

'relocked

out.

RAJESH

Also,theprettygirlleft.

=================================

===========THEMESONG==========

=================================

LEONARD

rtment'sonthefourth

floor,buttheelevator'sbroken,

soyou'regonnahaveto...Oh,

your'rejustgonnabedone?Okay,

cool,we'lljust

bringitupourlves.

SHELDON

Ihardlythinkso.

LEONARD

Whynot?

SHELDON

Well,wedon'thaveadollyor

liftingbeltsoranymeasurable

upper-bodystrength.

LEONARD

Wedon''re

heintellectual

afulcrumandaleverandIcan

'sjusta

matter...Idon'thavethis.I

don'thavethis!Idon'thavethis.

SHELDON

Archimedeswouldbesoproud.

LEONARD

Doyouhaveanyideas?

SHELDON

Yes,buttheyallinvolveaGreen

Lanternandapowerring.

LEONARD

Easy.

SHELDON

Easy.

6.

LEONARD

'vegotaninclined

cerequiredtolift

isreducedbythesineoftheangle

ofthestairs,callit30degrees,

so,abouthalf.

SHELDON

Exactlyhalf.

LEONARD

'.

See,it'easy.

It'sallinthemath.

SHELDON

What'syourformulaforthecorner?

LEONARD

What?Oh,,yeah,no

meuphere,helpme

pullandturn.

SHELDON

Ah,gravity,thouartaheartless

nderstandthatour

effortsherewillinnoway

increatheoddsofyouhaving

xualcongresswiththiswoman.

LEONARD

Mendothingsforwomenwithout

expectingx.

SHELDON

Yeah,thowouldbemenwhojust

hadx.

LEONARD

I'mdoingthistobeagood

a,there'sno

there.

SHELDON

No,we'renot.

LEONARD

I'msorry.

SHELDON

No,we'renot!No,we'renot!Watch

ourfingers.

LEONARD

Yeah.

SHELDON

OhGod,myfingers!

LEONARD

Youokay?

SHELDON

7.

No,ithurt...GreatCaesar's

ghost,lookatthisplace.

LEONARD

SoPennyisalittlemessy.

SHELDON

Alittlemessy?TheMandelbrott

ofcomplexnumbersisalittle

me.

Explaintomeanorganizational

systemwhereatrayofflatwareon

acouchisvalid.I'mjust

inferringthisisacouchbecau

theevidencesuggeststhecoffee

tableishavingatinygaragesale.

LEONARD

Diditeveroccurtoyouthatnot

everyonehasthecompulsiveneedto

sort,organizeandlabeltheentire

worldaroundthem?

SHELDON

No.

LEONARD

Well,theydon'itmaybe

foryoutobelieve,mostpeople

don'tsorttheirbreakfastcereal

numericallybyfibercontent.

SHELDON

Excume,butIthinkwe'veboth

foundthathelpfulattimes.

LEONARD

Comeon,weshouldgo.

SHELDON

Hangon.

LEONARD

Whatareyoudoing?

SHELDON

I'mstraighteningup.

LEONARD

Sheldon,thisisnotyourhome.

SHELDON

Thisisnotanyone'

aswirlingvortexofentropy.

LEONARD

Whenthetransvestitelivedhere,

youdidn'tcarehowhekeptthe

place.

SHELDON

,

youopenedthatman'sclot,it

waslefttoright,eveninggowns,

8.

cocktaildress,thenhispolice

uniforms.

LEONARD

Whatwereyoudoinginhisclot?

SHELDON

Ihelpedhimrunsomecablefora

webcam.

PENNY

Hey,guys.

LEONARD

Oh,hey,starrived.

w.

PENNY

,wasithardgettingit

upthestairs?

LEONARD

No.

SHELDON

No?

LEONARD

No.

SHELDON

No.

LEONARD

Well,we'llgetoutofyourhair.

PENNY

Okay,ouagain.

SHELDON

antyouto

knowthatyoudon'thavetolive

likethis.I'mhereforyou.

PENNY

What'shetalkingabout?

LEONARD

It'sajoke.

PENNY

Idon'tgetit.

LEONARD

Yeah,hedidn'ttellitright.

Sheldon?Sheldon??Hello?Sheldon!

SHELDON

Shh!Penny'ssleeping.

LEONARD

Areyouinsane?Youcan'tjust

breakintoawoman'sapartmentin

themiddleofthenightandclean.

9.

SHELDON

n'tsleep

knowingthatjustoutsidemy

bedroomwasourlivingroom,and

justoutsideourlivingroomwas

thathallway,andimmediately

adjacenttothehallwaywas...

this.

LEONARD

DoyourealizethatifPennywakes

up,thereisnoreasonable

explanationastowhywe'rehere.

SHELDON

Ijustgaveyouareasonable

explanation.

LEONARD

No,emeanexplanation.

Itsreasonablenesswillbe

determinedbyajuryofyourpeers.

SHELDON

Don'o

peers.

LEONARD

Sheldon,wehavetogetoutof

here.

SHELDON

Youmightwanttospeakinalower

register.

LEONARD

What?

SHELDON

Evolutionhasmadewomennsitive

tohigh-pitchednoiswhilethey

sleepsothatthey'llberoudby

anttoavoid

wakingher,speakinalower

register.

LEONARD

That'sridiculous!

SHELDON

No,that'sridiculous.

LEONARD

,

plea,let'sgo.

SHELDON

I'mnotleavinguntilI'mdone.

LEONARD

Oh,no.

SHELDON

10.

Ifyouhavetimetolean,youhave

timetoclean.

LEONARD

Oh,whatthehell.

SHELDON

Goodmorning.

LEONARD

Morning.

SHELDON

IhavetosayIsleptsplendidly.

Grantednotlong,butjustdeeply

andwell.

LEONARD

I'-known

folkcureforinsomniaistobreak

inyourneighbor'sapartmentand

clean.

SHELDON

Sarcasm?

LEONARD

Youthink?

SHELDON

Granted,mymethodsmayhavebeen

somewhatunorthodox,butIthink

theendresultwillbeameasurable

enhancementtoPenny'squalityof

life.

LEONARD

Youknowwhat,youconvincedme.

Maybetonightweshouldsneakin

andshampoohercarpet.

SHELDON

Youdon'tthinkthatcrossa

line?

LEONARD

'ssake,Sheldon,doI

havetoholdupasarcasmsign

everytimeIopenmymouth?

SHELDON

Youhaveasarcasmsign?

LEONARD

No,Idonothaveasarcasmsign.

SHELDON

Youwantsomecereal?Ifeelso

goodtoday,I'mgonnachoofrom

thelow-fiberendoftheshelf.

Hello,„HoneyPuffs“.

PENNY

Sonofabitch!

11.

LEONARD

Penny'sup.

PENNY

Yousick,geekybastards!

LEONARD

Howdidsheknowitwasus?

SHELDON

Imayhaveleftasuggested

organizationalschematicforher

bedroomclot.

PENNY

Leonard?

LEONARD

God,thisisgonnabebad.

SHELDON

Goodbye,„HoneyPuffs“.Hello,„Big

Bran“.

PENNY

Youcameintomyapartmentlast

nightwhileIwassleeping?

LEONARD

Yes,butonlytoclean.

SHELDON

'renot

actuallydirty,per.

PENNY

Givemebackmykey.

LEONARD

I'mvery,verysorry.

PENNY

Doyouunderstandhowcreepythis

is?

LEONARD

,wediscusditatlength

lastnight.

PENNY

Inmyapartment?WhileIwas

sleeping?

SHELDON

t'sprobably

ht

wanttoeanotolaryngologist.

Thethroatdoctor.

PENNY

Andwhatkindofdoctorremoves

shoesfromass?

12.

SHELDON

Dependingonthedepth,that's

eitheraproctologistorageneral

.

PENNY

God!

LEONARD

Okay,look,what

you'refeelingisperfectlyvalid

andmaybealittlebitlatertoday

whenyou'refeelingalittleless,

forlackofabetterword,

violated,maybewecantalkabout

thissomemore.

PENNY

Stayawayfromme.

LEONARD

Sure,that'sanotherwaytogo.

SHELDON

Penny,Penny,

clarify,becautherewillbea

objectionsolelytoourprencein

theapartmentwhileyouwere

sleepingordoyoualsoobjectto

theimpositionofanew

,that

wasalittlenon-responsive.

LEONARD

Youaregoingtomarchyourlf

overthererightnowandapologize.

LEONARD

What'sfunny?

SHELDON

Thatwasn'tsarcasm?

LEONARD

No!

SHELDON

,youarealloverthe

master',Ishould

nothavetodothis.

PENNY

What?

SHELDON

Iamtrulysorryforwhathappened

ull

pethatit

won'tcoloryouropinionof

Leonard,whoisnotonlya

wonderfulguy,butalso,Ihear,a

13.

whatIcould.

PENNY

Hey,,listen,Idon'tknow

ifyouheardaboutwhathappened

lastnightwithLeonardand

Sheldon,butI'mreallyuptabout

,theyjust,theylet

themlvesintomyplaceandthen

even

believethat?Howweirdis

that?...

RAJESH

Oh,she'sstandingverycloto

,ssmellgood.

Whatisthat?Vanilla?

PENNY

...comefrom,

someonecomesintoyourhouat

night,?Andyou

don',all

right,mysistershotherhusband,

butitwasanaccident,theywere

,whatwasIsaying?...

RAJESH

She'yparents

'dbebetteroff

'dhavethe

sameculturalbackgroundandmy

wifecouldsingtomychildrenthe

samelullabiesmymothersangto

me.

PENNY

...It'sobviousthattheymeant

well,butI'mjust,I'mhavinga

aid,I

brokeupwithmyboyfriendandit's

allfreakingmeout...

RAJESH

[startstosinganIndianlullaby]

PENNY

...Imean,justbecaumostof

themenI'veknowninmylife

happentobejerks,doesn'tmeanI

shouldjustassumeLeonardand

?

RAJESH

d

probablynod.

PENNY

That'xactlywhatIthought.

'rea

doll.

RAJESH

urpelvis.

14.

HOWARD

Grabanapkin,tgot

rved.

LEONARD

It'.

HOWARD

What'shisproblem?

SHELDON

Hisimaginarygirlfriendbrokeup

withhim.

HOWARD

Beenthere.

RAJESH

'mlate,butIwasin

thehallway,chattingupPenny.

HOWARD

Really?You?RajeshKoothrappali,

spoketoPenny?

RAJESH

Actually,Iwaslessthechatter

thanthechattee.

LEONARD

Whatdidshesay?Isshestillmad

atme?

RAJESH

Well,shewasuptatfirst,but

probablybecauhersistershot

ntherewas

somethingaboutyouandthenshe

huggedme.

HOWARD

Shehuggedyou?How'dshehugyou?

IsthatherperfumeIsmell?

RAJESH

Intoxicating,isn'tit?

PENNY

Hi.

LEONARD

Oh.

PENNY

What'sgoingon?

LEONARD

'sthething:„Penny,just

asOppenheimercametoregrethis

contributionstothefirstatomic

bomb,sotooIregretmy

participationinwhatwas,atthe

veryleast,anerrorinjudgment.

15.

Thehallmarkofthegreathuman

experimentisthewillingnessto

recognizeone'

mistakes,suchasMadamCurie's

discoveryofradium,turnedoutto

havegreatscientificpotential,

eventhoughshewouldlaterdiea

slow,painfuldeathfromradiation

rexample,from

thefieldofEbolarearch...“

PENNY

Leonard.

LEONARD

Yeah?

PENNY

We'reokay.

LEONARD

Sixtwo-inchdowels?

SHELDON

Check.

LEONARD

OnepackagePhilipsheadscrews?

SHELDON

Check.

PENNY

Youguys,riously,Igrewupona

farm,okay?Irebuiltatractor

enginewhenIwas,like,12.I

thinkIcanputtogetheracheap,

swedishmediacenter.

LEONARD

,'sthe

leastwecando,considering...

SHELDON

Consideringwhat?Howgreatthis

placelooks?

HOWARD

Oh,boy,Iwasafraidofthis.

LEONARD

What?

HOWARD

Theinstructionsarea

pictographicreprentationofthe

leastimaginativewaytoasmble

,righthere

iswhySwedenhasnospaceprogram.

PENNY

Well,itlookedprettygoodinthe

store.

16.

LEONARD

example,Pennyhasaflatscreen

TV,whichmeansallthespace

behinditiswasted.

SHELDON

Wecouldputherstereobackthere.

LEONARD

Andcontrolithow?

SHELDON

Runaninfraredrepeater,photocell

here,emitterhere,easy-peasy.

HOWARD

yougonnacool

it?

Heyguys,Igotthis.

SHELDON

Hangon,utfans?

Hereandhere.

LEONARD

Alsoinefficient,andmightbe

loud.

HOWARD

Howaboutliquidcoolant?Maybea

littleaquariumpumphere,runsome

quarter-inchPVC...

PENNY

Guys,thisisactuallyreally

simple.

HOWARD

Holdon,honey,

little

corrugatedsheetmetalasa

radiatorhere.

LEONARD

Oh,really?Showmewhereweputa

driptray,asluiceandanoverflow

rervoir?

SHELDON

Andifwater'sinvolved,we're

gonnahavetogroundthecrapout

ofthething.

PENNY

Guys,it'

I'lljusttakeoffallmyclothes.

LEONARD

Oh,I'outifwe

replacepanelsA,BandFand

crossbarHwithaircraft-grade

aluminum?

17.

SHELDON

Right,thentheentirethingwill

beoneheatsink.

HOWARD

d,whydon'tyouand

Sheldongotothejunkyardandpick

up6squaremetersofscrap

aluminum?RajandI'llrundownto

mylabandgettheoxyacetylene

torch.

LEONARD

Meetbackhereinanhour?

HOWARD

Done.

LEONARD

Gotit.

PENNY

Okay,thisplacedoeslookpretty

good.

THEEND