玩笑英语

英语幽默笑话集锦

英语幽默笑话集锦

◆Teacher:“Tommie,whatdoyouknow

abouttheDeadSea?”Tommie:“Ididn’t

evenknowitwasill.”

◆Teacher:“

canshowusAmerica?”(Tomgoestothe

mapandfindsAmericaonit.)Teacher:“No

w,tellme,boys,whofoundAmerica?”

Pupils:“Tom.”

◆Aboywaswonderingaboutaphotog

edagroupof

happyandcheerfulchildrencarryingschool

bagswiththecaptionatthebottom:“OnT

heirWaytoSchool”.“Ithinkit’smistaken.

Theymustbeontheirwayhomeafterclass,

I’msure!”theboyconcluded.

◆Geographyteacher:“Whatisthecons

equenceofthebreakingupoftheformer

SovietUnion?”Student:“Itmeansthatwe

havemorenamesofnewcountriesto

remember.”

◆Mathteacher:“Nowremember,class,

statisticsdon’tlie,Forexample,iftwelve

mencouldbuildahouinoneday,onem

ancouldbuildthesamehouin12days.

DoyouunderstandwhatImean?Jack,give

meanexample.”Jack:“Youmeanthatif

oneboatcouldcrosstheoceaninsixdays,

sixboatscouldcrossthesameoceaninone

day.”Biologyteacher:“Johnnie,canyougi

veafamiliarexampleofthehumanbodyth

atadaptsitlftochangedconditions?”Johnn

ie:“Yes,ma’gained50pounds

inayear,andherskinnevercracked.”

◆Teacher:“Canyougivemeagoodex

ampleofhowheatexpandsthingsandcold

contractsthem?”Student:“Well,thedaysar

emuchlongerinthemmerthaninwinte

r.”

◆Maryhasbeengoingtoprimaryscho

ndofthefirstweek

herfatheraskedher:“Whichperioddoyou

likebestatschool,dear?”Maythoughtfor

awhileandanswered:“Ilikethebreakper

iodbest.”

◆Duringthefinalexamination,somepu

pilsweresoeagertoanswerthequestions

thattheyforgottofillintheblanksforth

eclass,name,date,rontpageof

cherconside

reditnecessarytoremindthemoffillingall

lared:“Now,attention

plea!Fillinalltheblanksbeforeyoudo

thequestions.”“ShallIfilltheblankfort

hemarks?”onepupilasked.

◆Ateacherwasaskingapupilinherc

lass.”Tommie,howmanypersonsarethere

intheclassroom?”“Forty-one,includingyou,

ma’am,”Tommieanswered.”Then,how

manyareleftwhenIgoout?”theteachera

skedagain.”None,madam.”

◆“Whatdoyouthinkoftherelationshi

pbetween‘deceit’,‘failure’and’success’?”

the1stpupilaskedthe2ndpupil.“Ithink

deceitwillleadtofailure,”thecond

answered.“Yes,”thefirstpupilwenton,”

butfailureisthemotherofsuccess.”“Son

odeceit,nosuccess,”concludedthe1stpup

il.

◆Teacher:“Whyareyouoftenlatefor

school?”Student:“Becauthesignsaid:

SchoolZone,GoSlow!”

◆r:“Whichtravelsfaster,

heatorcold?”Student:“catc

hcold.”

◆r:“NowwefindthatXi

qualtozero.“Student:“Gee!Allthatwor

kfornothing!”

◆r:“Canyoutellmeanyt

hingaboutthegreatchemistsofthe19th

century?”Student:“Theyarealldead,sir.”

◆Musicteacher:“Whoisthefamouste

norinourcity?Andwhoisthefamous

bass?”Student:“Whenmyfatherdenou-nce

sme,speak

stomymother,heisabass.”

◆“WhowasthefirstPresidentoftheUni

tedStates?”ahistoryteacheraskedoneof

dentthoughtforalong

time,butdidn’e

teachergotangryandshouted,”GeorgeW

ashington!”“Comeback!”theteachersaid,

”Ididn’ttellyoutogo.”“Oh,I’msorr

y,”thestudentsaid,”Ithoughtyoucalledt

henextstudent.”

◆Medicalprof:“Whatwouldyoudoin

thecaofapersoneatingpoisoousmushr

ooms?”Student:“Recommendachangeofd

iet.”

◆Literatureprof.:“Tellmeoneortw

othingsaboutJohnMilton.”Student:“Well

hegotmarriedandhewrote‘ParadiLo

st’.Thenhiswifediedandhewrote‘Paradi

Regained’.

◆Englishprof.:“Whatisthedifferenc

ebe-tweenanac-tiveverbandapassive

verb?Stud.:“Anactiveverbshowsac-tio

nandapa-ssiveverbshowspassion.“

◆Grammarteacher:“Anounisthena

,whocan

givemeanoun?”Firstpupil:“Acow.”Te

acher:“rnoun?”Second

pupil:“Anothercow.”

◆Prof.:“Beforewebegintheexaminat

ionarethereanyquestions?”Stud.:“What’s

thenameofthiscour?”

◆Firststudent:“Didthemusicteacher

act-uallysayyourvoicewashea-venly?”

Secondstudent:“Well,shedidsayitwasu-

nearthly.”

◆Firststudent:“Whichisthelongestw

ordintheEnglishLanguage?”Secondstuden

t:“Idon’ouliketotellme

whatitis?”Firststudent:It’s“smiles”.Seco

ndstudent:“Thatisn’xl

etters.”Firststudent:“Butthereisamile

betweenthefirstandthelastletters.

◆Teacher:“Canyoutellmewhatafis

h-netismadeof?”Pupil:“Alotoflittlehole

stiedtogether.”

◆Oncetwopu-pilsweretal-kingabout

thesunandthemoon.“Whichofthemis

moreuful?”er

an-swered,”Oh,

moonisintheskyatnightwhenitisdark,

butthesunisintheskyinthedaytime

whennobodywantsit.”

◆Voiceontele-phone:“Johnisilland

can’-questedm

etonotifyyou.”Prof.:“

thisspeaking?”Voice:“Thisismyroommat

e.”

◆Prof.:“

m?”Stud.:“Idon’tknow.”Prof.:“Youdo

n’tknow?Youwerereadingaloud,soyou

mustknow.”Stud.:“Iwasreadingaloud,s

ir,butIwasnotlistening.“

◆Atacollegeexaminationaprofessors

aid:“Doestheques-tionembarrassyou?”

“Notatall,sir,”repliedthestudent,”notata

eanswerthatbo-thersme.”

◆Friend:“Whatisyoursongoingtob

ewhenhe’spasdhisfinalexam?”Father:

“Anoldman.”

◆Reporter:“Whatistheprofe-ssor’sr

earchwork?”Prof.‘shou-keeper:“It

consistsprincipallyinhuntingforhisspect

acles.”

◆“Professor,whydoyouuthreepairs

ofeyegla-ss?”“Yes,onepairforlongsight,

onepairforshortsight,andthethirdtolo

okfortheothertwo.”

◆Teacher:“Billy,what’sasyno-nym?”

Student:“It’swordyouudinplaceof

anotheronewhenyoucannotspelltheothe

rone.”

◆Father:“Well,son,what’syourplace

ontheschool-listthismonth?”Son:“I’m

twenty-sixth.”Father:“Howmanypupilsa

rethereinyourclass?”Son:“Twenty-six.“

(Amonthlater)Father:“Well,son,what’sy

ourplaceonthelistnow?”Son:“Twenty-

:“Howcanthatbe?IfIreme

mberco-rrectly,thereareonlytwenty-sixi

nyourclass.”Son:“Oh,no,wehaveanew

boynow.”

◆DuringaChristmaxam,oneoftheq

ues-tionswas:“Whatcausadepre-ssion?”

Oneofthestudentswrote:“Godknows!Ido

hristmas!”Theexampap

ercamebackwiththeprof.‘sno-tation:“Go

dgets100,ewYear!“

◆Themorewestudy,themorewekno

eweknow,themoreweforget.T

hemoreweforget,

ssweknow,swe

forget,tudy?

◆Theprofessorrappedonhisrostruma

ndshouted:“Gentle-men,order!”Theentir

eclassyelled:“Beer!”

◆“IftheDeandoesn’ttakebackwhath

esiadtomethismoring,I’mgoingtoleave

college.”“Whatdidhesay?”“Hetoldmet

oleavecollege.”

◆Thebrightstudentlookedlongandth

oughtfullyatthecondex-amination

question,whichread:“Statethenumberoft

onsofcoalshippedoutoftheUnitedStates

inanygivenyear.”Thenhisbrowcleared

andhewrote:“1492-none.”

◆Prof.:“Wakeupthatstudentnextto

you.”Stud.:“Youdoityourlf,professor,

youputhimtosleep.”

◆Prof.:“Youcan’tsleepinmyclass.”

Stud.:“Ifyoudon’ttalksoloudIcould.”

◆“Oureconomicsteachertalkstohimlf.

Doesyours?”“Yes,buthedoesn’trealizeit.

Hethinkswearelistening.”

◆“IshallnowillustratewhatIhavein

mind,”saidtheteacherasheeradthe

blackboard.

◆Firststud.:“Thedeansaysheisgoi

ngtostopsmokinginthecollege.”

Secondstud.:“Huh!Nextthi

nghe’llbeaskingustostopsmoking,

too.”

◆Teacher:“Afoolcanaskmorequesti

onsthanawimancananswer.”

Stud.:“Nowondersomanyofusflunki

nourexams!”

◆Acollegefreshmanwasbeingverely

criticizedbyhisprofessor,“Yourlastpaper

wasverydiffi-culttoread,”saidtheprofe-

ssor,”Yourworkshouldbesowrittenthat

eventhemostignorantwillbeabletoun

der-standit.”“Yes,sir,”saidthestudent,“w

hatpartdidn’tyouget?”

◆Theprofessorwasdeliveringthefinal

twithmuch

emphasisonthefacteachsutdentshouldde

votealltheinterveningtimepreparingfort

hefinalexami-nations.”“Theexamina-tionp

ethereanyquestionstobeasked?”Silen

lyavoicefromtherea

rinquired:“Whoistheprin-ter?”

◆Prof.:“

amina-tionismoreimportant.”Stud.:“We

ll,sir,Iwantedtohavesomethingrighton

mypaper.”

◆Maryhadbeentoschoolforthefirstt

ime.“Well,darling,whatdidyoulearn?”

askedhermother,whenMarycamebackhom

e.“Nothing,”sighedMaryhopelessly,”Ihav

egottogobackagaintomo-rrow.”

◆OnemorningProfessorBlankwasgoin

gtomeethisstuden-tsintheafter-noon,so

hewrotesomewordsontheblackboardw

hichreadasfollows:“Profe-ssorBlankwill

meettheclassthisafternoon.”Somestude

nt,einghischancetodis-playhisnof

humourafterreadingthenotice,walkedu

panderadthe“C”intheword“class”.T

hepro-fessornoticingthelaughterwheeled

around,walkedback,lookedatthestudent,

thenatthenoticewiththe“C”erad-calml

ywalkedupanderadthe“l”in“lass”,look

edattheflabbergastedstudentandpro-ceed

edonhisway.

◆Teacher:“Henry,whatarethethree

workswhichsomeofyouumostoftenin

class?”Henry:“Idon’tknow.”Teacher:

“Correct.”

◆Teacher.”Mary,whydon’twashyour

face?Icanewhatyouhadforbreakfast

thismorning.”Mary:“Whatwasit?”Teach

er:“Eggs.”Mary:“Wrong,

wasyesterday.”

◆Teacher:“Whatisanabstractnoun,

Jane?”Jane:“Idon’tknow,madam.”

Teacher:“What,youdon’tknow?

Well,it’sthenameofathingwhichyo

ucanthinkofbutcannottouch.N

ow,givemeanexample.“Jane:“Ared-

hotpoker.”

◆Firststud.:“Howareateacherand

arailroadconductoralike?”Secondstud.:“I

don’tellme?”Firststud.:

“Onemindsthetrainsandtheothertrains

theminds.”

◆“Aren’tyouashamedofyour-lf,He

nry?”saidtheheadmatr,”Youaretheworst

pupilinyourclass.”Henryreplied,“What’

sthatgottodowithme?Isitmyfaultthatth

eworstonewastransferredtoanotherschool

yesterday?”

◆LittleSmithcamehomefromwithan

ewbookunderhisarm.“It’saprize,mother,

”heex-plained.“Aprize?Whatfor,dear?”

“raskedmehowmanyle

gsanostrichhasandIsaidthree.”“Butan

ostrichhasonlytwolegs.”“Iknowitnow.B

utallthepu-pilssaidfour,soIwasclos

t.”

◆Anabnt-min-dedprofessorwaslectu

ringonanatomy.“Toshowyoumoreclearl

ywhatImean,Ihavehereaparcelwitha

outoex-amineitve

rycarefully.”Theprofessorunwrappedthep

arcelandsawthatitcontain-edtwosandwic

shed,theprofess

orsaid:“IwassureIhadeatenmylunch,b

utwhereisthefrog?”

◆Firststud.:“Whatdidyoudowitht

hecuffsIleftonthetablelastnight?”Secon

dstud.:“TheyweresosoiledIntthemt

othelaundry.”Firststud.:“Mygods,the

entirehistoryofEnglandwasonthem.”

◆Asonatcolle-gewrotehisfather:“N

omon,nofun,yourson.“Thefatheran-sw

ered:“Howsad,toobad,yourdad.”

◆“Say,dad,reme-berthatstoryyoutold

meaboutwhenyouwereexpelledfromcolle

ge?”“Yes.”“Well,Iwasjustthinking,dad,

howtrueitisthathistoryrepeatsitlf.”

◆“Wherehaveyoubeenforthelastfo

uryears?”“Atcollegetakingmedicine.““An

ddidyoufinallygetwell?”

◆Themuchpre-occupiedprofe-ssorwal

kintothebarber’sshopandsatinachairn

exttoawomanwhowashavingherhairbob

bed.“Haircut,plea,”orderedtheprofessor.

“Certainly,”saidthebarber.“Butifyoure

allywantahaircutwouldyoumindtaking

offyourhatfirst?”Theprofessorhurriedlyr

e-movedhishat.“I’msorry,”heapologizeda

shelookedaround.”Ididn’tknowtherewas

aladyprent.”

◆Teacher:“Didn’tHenryhelpyoutot

hissum?”Pupil:“No.”Teacher:“Areyousu

rehedidn’thelpyou?”Pupil:“No,hedidn

othelpme,hediditall.”

◆Teacher:“Whatdoyoucallthelastt

eethweget?”Pupil:“Falteeth.”

◆r:“Whathavetheexpedi

tionstotheNorthPoleaccomplished?”Pupil:

“Nothingexecpttomakethegeographyless

onsharder.”

◆Teacher:“Whatanimalissa-tisfied

withtheleastnou-rishment?”Robert:“The

moth,nothingbutholes.”

◆“Whatheshapeoftheearth?”askedth

etea-cherofJane.“It’sround,”Janesaid.

“Howdoyouknowitisround,Jane?”“Oh,

it’’twanttostartanargu-me

ntaboutit.”

◆Aschooltea-cherwhohadbeentellin

gaclassofsmallpupilthestoryofthedisco

veryofAmericabyColumbundedwith:“A

ndallthishappenedmorethan500yearsa

go.”Alittleboy,hiyeswideopenwithw

onder,saidafteramoment’sthought:“Gee!

Whatagoodmemoryyouhavegot.”

◆Teacher:“Whatarethepro-ducsof

Cuba?”Boy:“Idon’tknow.”Teacher:“Com

e,come!Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?”Boy:

“Weborrowitfromthenext-doorneighbo

ur.”

◆Teacher:“Theearthhasanattractive

power;,

infact,thelawofgravitywhichpreventsu

sfrombeingthrownofftheearthasitrevo

lves.”Pupil:“Plea,teacher,howdidweke

epontheearthbe-forethelawwaspas

d?”

◆Teacher:“Intheolddaysmenwere

oftenputinprisonwith-outanyproperrea

son;buttodayweneverthinkofpuni-shing

peopleforthingstheyhavenotdone.”Bad

boy:(sulki-ly):“ThenwhywasIcriti-ciz

edyester-daybecauIdidn’tdomyhome

work?”

◆Teacher:“Tommy,wherewastheDec

larationofIndependencesigned?”Tommy:

“Atthebottom,Iguess.”

◆Firstpupil:“Whatwordbe-comessh

orterifyouaddtwoletterstoit?”Secondp

upil:“Oh,’s”short”.

◆ProfessorBlank:“Hasn’tJimmyever

married?”Student:“No,andIdon’tthinkhe

intendsto,becauhe’sstudyingforabac

helor’sde-gree.”

◆“AtelegramfromGeorge,dear.”“We

ll,didhepasstheexami-nationthistime?”

“No,butheisalmostatthetopofthelist

ofthowhofailed.”

◆MissBettytaughtphysicsinaNewY

shesaidtoherclass,”N

ow,

wascallinghimonthephone,andatthesa

metimeyouwere75feetaway,liste-ningto

me,whichofyouwouldhearwhatIsaidearli

er,mybro-theroryou-andforwhatreason?”

“Oneofthebrightstudentsatonceanswered,

”Yourbrother,MissBetty,be-cauelectri-

citytravelsfasterthansoundwaves.”Butth

en,agirlsaid,”Idisagree,

brotherwouldhearyouearlierbecauwh

enit’leveno’clockhere,it’ighto’clock

inLosAngeles.”

◆Teacher:“WhatwasGeorgeWa-shin

gtonnotedfor?”Johnny:“Hisme-mory.”Tea

cher:“Whatmakesyouthinkhisme-mory

wassogreat?”Johnny:“Theyerectedamo-

numenttoit.”

◆Stud.:“I’min-debtedtoyouforall

Iknow.”Prof.:“Oh,don’tmentionsucha

meretrifle.”

◆Duringana-turalhistorylessonatsch

ool,Marywasaskedtogivethenameofan

animalpeculiartoSouthAfri-ca.“Apolarb

ear!”cherfro

wnedrepro-vingly.”Come,come!Mary,”she

said,”PolarbearsarenottobefoundinSo

uthAfrica.”“Iknow,”Maryanswered,”that’

swhyitwouldbepeculiar.”

◆Firststudent:“Thereisaguyinour

schoolwho’dhi

mno-bodylikedthatattitude.“Secondstud

ent:“Andwhatdidhesay?”Firststudent:

“Hesaidheal-readyknewthat.”

◆AtcollegePercyfellintoacycleofcla

ss,studying,

notrealizehowlonghehadneg-lectedwritin

ghisfamilyuntilhereceivedthefollowingnot

e:“Dearson,YourmotherandIen-joyedy

,weweremuchyou

ngerthen,

ad.”

◆Marybegantogotoschoolattheage

ntherfirstdayhap

heendofthecondday,when

theotherchildrenlefttheclassroom,shest

ayedbe-hindandwaited.“Whydidn’tyoug

owiththeothers,Mary?”herteacheraskedk

indly.”Didyouwanttoaskmeaquestion?”

“Yes.”“Whatisit?”theteacherasked.“Wha

tdidIdoinschooltoday?”Theteacherlaug

hed.“Whatdidyouaskmethat,Mary?”

“BeauI’mgoingtogohomenow,”Marya

n-swered,”andmymotherisgoingtoask

me.”

◆OnedayoneofthegirlsinRo’sclas

ssaidtoher,”MissRo,whydoesaman’s

hairbecomegreybeforehismus-tacheand

bearddo?”Rolaughedandreplied,”Id

on’answerthequestion?”

Thenoneoftheboyssaid,”Iknow,MissRo

!Men’shairbe-comesgreyfirstbecauit’

ssixteenyearsolderthantheirmustachesa

ndbeards.”

◆Asafreshman,Georgehadtotakea

courinwesterncivili-zationfromacertain

profe-ssor--hisfather.“Whatisitliketoha

veyourdadforclass?”hewasconstantlyas

ked.“Notasstran-geasyoumightthink,”

here-plied.”Myfatherhasbeenlec-turing

everhadtotakenot

esbe-fore.”

◆Teacher:“Whathappenswhentherei

saneclipofthesun?”Pupil:“Manypeo-

plegooutintothestreetstolookatit.”