friends with benefits

AreYourFriendsanElevatororaCage?你的朋友是直升梯还

是牢笼？

ByStevePavlina思含选注

AreYourFriendsanElevatororaCage？

Whengoingthroughmajorlifeshifts,likechangingcareers,Iwould

’veallgone

throughperiodswherethepeopleinourliveshavechanged—

graduation,movingtoanewcity,gettinganewjob,joininganewclub,

’tthinkIneedtoconvinceyoujusthowmuchinfluenceother

’veeverexperiencedamajor

shiftinyourpeopleenvironment,thenyouknowthatyouchangeas

well.

Mostpeopledon’ht

consciouslydecidetospendmoretimewithacertainfriend,oryou

peoplechoothebulkoftheirexistingfriendshipsdeliberately.

Chancemeetingsmaybeoutofyourcontrol,butthestrengthor

weaknessofyourexistingconnectionsislargelyunderyourcontrol.

Thinkforamomentaboutthe5—10peoplewithwhomyouspendthe

cludeonlinecommunitiesifyouspendalotoftime

readingthem—whichindividualsarehavingthemostinfluenceover

yourthinkingrightnow?Actuallywriteoutthelist—itshouldonlytakea

sincludesfamilymembers.

’sbeensaidthatthislistwillgiveyouaglimp

intoyourfuture.

Doyouwanttobecomemorelikethepeople?ne

onthelistabadinfluencethatcausyoutobackslide?Isanyoneon

thelistashininglightthatencouragesyoutoreachnewheights?

Nowhaveyoueverthoughtaboutconsciouslychangingthislist?Do

yourealizethatyouhavetheabilitytopopulatethislistbychoice

insteadofbychance?You’refreetosaynotohavingcertainpeoplein

yourlife,andyou’realsofreetomaketheefforttointroducenew

mestherearerious

conquences,suchaswithfamilymembersandboss,butit’sstilla

choice.

There’sno“gettingridofpeople.”Peoplearealwaysdriftinginand

outofeachothers’ationsgrowintofriendships,and

’

truthisthatinordertomakeroomfornewpeopleandnew

experiences,youmayneedtoloonupsomeofyourexisting

connections.

Whataboutloyalty?Shouldn’tyoualwaysbeloyaltoyourfriends?

Onceyouhaveaclofriend,eveniftheirinfluenceonyouis

somewhatdestructive,shouldn’tyoustickbythem?

alueofloyaltymeans

beingloyaltomyvisionofmyhighestandbestlfandtomycore

knowIcan’taffordtohangon

tofriendshipsthatconflictwithmyvalues,Ialsocan’thangontofriends

anttohavewin-win

relationshipswhereeveryonebenefits.

sbeing

oneisdestroying

theirhealthbysmoking,forexample,youaren’tshowingloyaltyby

yaltysometimesrequiresthat

youbreakdestructiveconnections,getyourlfbackonsolidground,

andthendecidewhatyoucanreallydotohelpyourfriend(which

sometimesrequireslettingthemhitbottom).

Itcantakealotofcouragetotellsomeone,“I’msorry,butIcan’thave

youinmylifeanymore.”Buteventhoughthismightemlikealfish

actattimes,it’

relationshipisholdingyoubackinsomeway,understandthatit’salso

mple,ifyouworkforanabusiveboss,

youracceptanceofthatsituationconstitutessilentapproval,

encouragingyourbosstocontinuetobehaveabusively(towards

yourlfandothers).

Ifyousmokeandsuddenlysaytoallyoursmokerfriends,“I’msorry,

butIcan’tcontinuetobefriendswithpeoplewhosmokeanymore.I’ve

decidedIneedtobeanonsmoker,”you’llprobablymeetwithalotof

oufollowthroughwithit,youractionswilleataway

arlaterwhenyou’rea

nonsmoker,oneofthemwillcontactyouprivately,“I’dliketoquittoo.

Canyouhelpme?”hteven

renewyouroldfriendship,butatawholenewlevel.

ThekindsofrelationshipsIekouttodayarethowhichhavethe

potentialtobewin-win,wherebothpeoplecanhelpeachothertogrow

personusing

theother—synergy.I’malwaysopenandinvitingofnewfriendshipsof

rfeellikeI’mstuckinacage,Iknowit’stimetoreach

outandmakesomenewconnectionsand/orloonupsomeoldones.