奥巴马白宫晚宴

白宫记者年会奥巴马上演精彩喜剧脱口秀

THEPRESIDENT:ening,

notbemorethrilledtobeheretonight--attheWhite

HouCorrespondents’’realready

’sterrific.

ChuckTodd--loveyou,brother.I’mdelightedtoesomeofthe

myKimmel,it’sanhonor,man.

What’ssofunny?

MyfellowAmericans,

yearatthistime--infact,onthisveryweekend--wefinallydeliveredjustice

tooneoftheworld’,thisyear,wegather

lrodtellsmeIshould

tonight,thisishowI’dliketobegin:

s

born,ofcour,inHawaii.

In2009,,

somehavesaidIblametoomanyproblemsonmypredecessor,butlet’

snotforgetthat’.

Sincethen,CongressandIhavecertainlyhadourdifferences;yet,I’

vetriedtobecivil,t’swhyIwant

toespeciallythankallthememberswhotookabreakfromtheir

’s

givethemabigroundofapplau.

Despitemanyobstacles,muchhaschangedduringmytimeinoffice.

Fouryearsago,IwaslockedinabrutalprimarybattlewithHillary

arslater,shewon’tstopdrunk-textingmefrom

Cartagena.

Fouryearsago,arslater,I’mat

arsago,,Ilooklikethis.

Andfouryearsfromnow,’snotevenfunny.

Anyway,it’sgreattobeherethiveninginthevast,magnificent

Hiltonballroom--orwhatMittRomneywouldcallalittlefixer-upper.I

mean,’vegotmenintuxes,womeningowns,fine

wine,strelievedtolearnthiswasnot

nthemindreaderknewwhat

theywerethinking.

Ofcour,theWhiteHouCorrespondents’Dinnerisknownas

thepromofWashingtonD.C.--atermcoinedbypoliticalreporterswho

clearlyneverhadthechancetogotoanactualprom.

OurchaperonefortheeveningisJimmyKimmel----whoisperfectfor

thejobsincemostoftonight’saudienceisinhiskeydemographic--

othisstartyearsago

ington,that’swhatwecallacongressional

hearingoncontraception.

Andplentyofjournalistsareheretonight.I'dberemissifIdidn’t

erveit,

'snooneelouttherelinkingtothekindsof

don’tpaythem--it'sagreat

businessmodel.

EvenSarahPalinisgettingbackintothegame,guesthostingonThe

TodayShow--whichremindsmeofanoldsaying:What'sthe

differencebetweenahockeymomandapitbull?Apitbullisdelicious.

Alittlesoysauce.

Now,Iknowatthispointmanyofyouareexpectingmetogoafter

mylikelyopponent,,there'sstilltime,

I'mnotgoingtodothat--I'mnotgoingtoattackanyoftheRepublican

ttRomney--heandIactuallyhavealotincommon.

Weboththinkofourwivesasourbetterhalves,andpollsshow,toa

alarminglyinsultingextent,both

havedegreesfromHarvard;Ihaveone,nob.

Ofcour,we'ly,hiscampaign

,I

understandGovernorRomneywassoincendheaskedhisstaffifhe

,Iguess

GovernorRomneyisfeelingprettygoodaboutthingsbecauhetooka

fewhoursofftheotherdaytoeTheHungerGames--someofyou

'samovieaboutpeoplewhocourtwealthysponsorsand

thenbrutallysavageeachotheruntilonlyonecontestantisleftstanding.

I'oten

TheHungerGames;notenoughclasswarfareforme.

Ofcour,Iknoweverybodyispredictinganastyelection,and

thankfully,we',however,

lebothcampaignshavehadsomefun

withthis,theotherdayIsawanewadfromoneoftheoutsidegroups

that,frankly,overnorRomneysayshe

hasnocontroloverwhathissuperPACsdo,butcanweshowtheadreal

quick?

That’sprettyrough--butIcantakeit,becaumystepfather

alwaystoldme,it'saboy-eat-dogworldoutthere.

Now,ifIdowinacondtermasPresident,letmejustsay

somethingtoallthe----letmejustsaysomethingtoallmy

conspiracy-orientedfriendsontherightwhothinkI'mplanningto

unleashsomecretagenda:You'wmeto

clowithaquickpreviewofthecretagendayoucanexpectina

condObamaadministration.

Inmyfirstterm,IsangAlGreen;inmycondterm,I'mgoingwith

YoungJeezy.

:Yeah.

THEPRESIDENT:Michellesaid,hattohersometimes.

Inmyfirstterm,weendedthewarinIraq;inmycondterm,Iwillwin

rstterm,werepealedthepolicyknownas

"don'task,don'ttell"----wait,though;inmycondterm,wewill

replaceitwithapolicyknownas,it'rstterm,we

pasdhealthcarereform;inmycondterm,IguessI'llpassitagain.

Idowanttoendtonightonaslightlymoreriousnote--whoevertakes

theoathofofficenextJanuarywillfacesomegreatchallenges,buthe

willalsoinherittraditionsthatmakeusgreaterthanthechallengeswe

ofthotraditionsisreprentedheretonight:afree

pressthatisn'tafraidtoaskquestions,

inrviceofthatmission,allofyoumakesacrifices.

Tonight,werememberjournalistssuchasAnthonyShadidand

MarieColvin----whomadetheultimatesacrificeastheysoughtto

whetheryouareabloggerorabroadcaster,whetheryoutakeon

powerfulinterestshereathomeorputyourlfinharm'swayoveras,

sometimesyouliketogivemeahardtime--andIcertainlyliketo

returnthefavor--butIneverforgetthatourcountrydependsonyou.

Youhelpprotectourfreedom,ourdemocracy,andourwayoflife.

Andjusttottherecordstraight,Ireallydoenjoyattendingthe

,Ihadalotmorematerialprepared,butIhavetogetthe

SecretServicehomeintimefortheirnewcurfew.

Thankyouverymuch,ou.