oh mom

Okay,let'se...

Oh,could,yougrabmeanextravirgin...

Ithinkone'noughforthesacrifice.

Oliveoil,Phil.

'sfunny.

Oh,it'sfunnierthanyourfreestyle"Sandwichrap."

Girl,youcrazy.

I'mmadfuntoshopwith.

Trappedinbetweentwowholewheatslices.

Pastramiandswissaremyonlyvices.

Sweetie,.

Hello.

Hi.

Oh,roadblock.

-Beepbeep!-Pardonme.

Areyouokay?

Actually,notokay.

Notokay.

Honey,didyoupullfromthebottomagain?

Soafterhorsd'oeuvres,

We'llbringeveryoneinheretosharethenews.

We'rehavingthefamilyovertomorrownight

totellthemwe'replanningonadoptinganewbaby.

Yes,andwebothagreed

to--togoalittlemorelow-keywiththeannouncementthistime.

*Let'shearitfortheboy...

Okay,justtobeclear,thisislow-key?

It'sabanner

Andjustsomelightmusicalaccompaniment,Mitchell.

Idon'thavealowerkey.

Besides,thisisahappyoccasion.

AmIright,lily?

Aren'tyouexcitedtogetanewbabybrother?

No!Ihatethebaby!

Wearehavingaslightissue

gettingLilyonboardwiththeadoption.

"Ihatethebaby."

"Nonewbaby."

"Iwannamakethebabydead."

Ithoughtweweren'tgonnasharethatone.

I-I-Ijusthopethattheproblemis

shehasn'tspentmuchtimewithanybabies.

Sowethoughtitwouldbeagreatidea

toshowherhowmuchfunit'llbetohaveonearound.

oh,heissocute!

Yeah,andhenevercries.

'sactuallyalittleweird.

Oh,no,that'snotweird.

Mysisterwasbornwithafulltofteeth.

Yeah,thatneverhappened.

No?Really?Youshould'veenhercrib.

Itlookedlikebeaverslivedthere.

Oh,isthisLily?

oh,yes,,othebaby.

Mydaddy!

Okay,sothat'soneproblemsolved.

Bye!Seeyousoon!

Ornever.

Cam,I'malittlefreakedoutaboutwhatLilydid.

Oh,elytouchedhim,

Andhewentfromzerotobigcrybaby.

We'retalkingaboutbringinganotherchildintothishou.

How'sthatgonnaworkwithLilybeingsoposssiveofyou?

WhyamIhearinganaccusatorytone?

Oh,etoadmitthatyoudocoddleher.

Iwillnotapologizeforlovingourdaughter.

I'mnotcriticizing.

I'mnotonlycriticizing,

ButwedidtalkaboutgivingLilyalittlemoreindependence.

Yeah,whichiswhyweputherinpreschool.

Yes,butyoucan'tbeartoleaveherthere.

Youalwayspickherupearly.

Thatisridiculous.

.

Lily,honey,

Diddaddypickyouupearlyfrompreschooltoday?

No.

Caclod.

Wedidn'tgo.

Caopened.

Wewentshopping.

That'nough.

Weboughtmatchyhats.

youaregoingtoyourroom.

You'rebothgoingtoherroom.

Dowespendalotoftimetogether?Yes.

Dowehaveaspecialbond?Absolutely.

ButdoIcoddlehermorethananyotherlovingparent?

It'spossible.

AndforLily'ssake,Ishouldprobablyworkonthat.

No,youcalmdown!

ThisishowItalkwhensomebodyaccusmyMannyofstealing.

-Whoisthat?-It'stheprincipal.

He'ssayingthatMannystolesomegirl'slocket.

What,doyouthinkthatallcolombiansarecriminals,

becauacolombiannecktie

isasymbolofviolenceallovertheworld?

No,no,I'mnotthreateningyou.

yaccepted.

No,Ididn'tmeananythingaboutthenecktie.

Ijust--Iwastryingtomakeapoint.

Couldyou"L."alittleless"O.L."

Don'tyouewhatI'mtryingtodohere?

Diealone?

Girls,dinner!

Youknow,whydoesLukegethisownroom,

andIstillhavetosharewithyou?Ican'ttakeitanymore.

Meeither,evenifitisjustforonemoreyear...

whenIleaveforcollege.

Itisonemoreyearorwhenyouleaveforcollege?

Becauthohappentobetwodifferentthings.

SoIhearthislittlevoicecomingfromthecans

Andit'slike...

"Help!Ifellinthepeaches!"

that'smom!

-Hilarious!-Sohilarious.

I'mlike,"Claire?"

Youmightwannatellthemthatitwasyou

Whopushedmeintothepeachesinthefirstplace.

Thisagain?Iwasn'tevennearyou.

Yes,youwere!Youknockedmewiththecart.

Itwascompletelyyourfault.

Well,let'sjustagreetodisagree.

No.I-Idisagreetodisagree.

Thenyouagree.

,Idon't,becauI'mright.

Okay,'reright.

asusual.

-No,Iamright.-likealways.

mwrong,Iadmitit.

whichisnever.

.

You'realittlejumpytonight,ngwrong?

,I'mjustgonna--

Haveaat,kid.

Youknow,maybeit'sme,

ButIthoughtyouwerekindasquirrellytonight,youknow,

Beforewhenyourmomwasonthephonewiththeprincipal.

Almostlikeyouwantedtosaysomething...

butyoujustcouldn't.

anythingyouwannasaynow,Manny?

othingtosay.

Yousureaboutthat?

Thinkrealhard.

CouldIgetaglassofwater?

Thatgirl'slocket--youtookit,didn'tyou?

-Didn'tyou?-,Itookit.

-Ididn'tmeanto.-Idon'twannahearanyexcus.

You'regonnatellyourmom,andyou'regonnatthisright.

Doyouunderstand?

Allright,getoutofhere.

Justonemorething.

You'renot,um...

You'renotwearingthatlocket,areyou?

not.

It'sagirl'ldIwanttowearit?

It'snoreason.

Mom,hurryup!Idon'twanttobelateforschool.

Youdidn'ttellher,didyou?

What'sthehurrythismorning?

Okay,what'swiththelooks?

It'.

IwaswalkingbehindthisgirlAlicia,who'smovingaway,

AndIwasworkingupthecouragetogethernewaddress

SoIcanwriteher.

Iexpressmylfalotbetteronpaperthan--

Ticktock,kid.

Well,shedroppedherlocket,andIpickeditup,

Butshekeptwalking,andI...

Youstolethelocket.

AfterItoldtheprincipal

Thatyoucouldhaveneverdonesomethinglikethat,

AndIthreatenhimwiththecolombiannecktie!

Manny,why?

Don''t'cauhewantedtowearit.

IthoughtIcouldkeepitassomethingtorememberherby.

s,

AndI-Iwasjusttooscaredtotellyou.

Gotothecar.

-I'mreallysorry.-Go.

Whywouldhedosomethinglikethat?

It'sbadenoughthathe'stheboy

withthepanfluteandthepuffyshirtsand--andthepoems.

Nowhe'sthejewelrythief.

Mightbeanupgrade.

Ay,Jay,thisisnotfunny.

Thothingssticktoyou.

MycousinRosaMarina--

Whenshewas14,shestolesomething,andafterthat,

Everybodythinksofherasthegirlwhostealscars.

Shestoleacar?

Cars.

Butaftershegotthatlabel,whatelcouldshedo?

Listen,youcan'tcontrolwhatkidsthink,

Butyoucanmakesurehelearnsfromthis.

Youtakehimtotheprincipal'soffice,

Heownsuptoit,heneverdoesitagain.

.

Butwhatwashethinking?

Thisisnotevenrealgold.

Noway,Haley!Itwasmyidea!I'mtakingthisroom!

Overmydeadbody!

Thisisgoingtobemyroom,

Andthere'snothingyoucandoaboutit!

Seriously?

Whatareyouguysfightingabout?

Okay,soweboththink

Thatthiswouldmakeatotallyawesomebedroom.

Butonlyoneofuscanhaveit.

Don'tyouthinkitshouldbeme?

Oh,,Luke?

whydoyouguyswannamoveintotheattic?

Oh,youmean"Thepenthou"?

Withalltheprivacyofbeingonitsveryownfloor?

Itiskindacool.

I'mnotanidiot.

Iknewwhattheywereupto,

butI'vebeenwantingtomoveforawhile.

There'salineofants

goingtoatrick-or-treatbaginmyclot,

andIdon'twanttostillbethere

whentheygettiredofcandy.

Goodmorning,princess.

Goodmorning,Lily.

Veryadorable,Mitchell,

butI'mhavingkindofaroughmorning,

Daddy,up.

I'msorry,Lily,thodaysareover.

Nowhere'syourlunch.

beleavingshortly.

Cam,youdon'thavetoiceheroutcompletely.

DoyouthinkI'menjoyingthis?

ButIneedhertodetachfrommebeforethenewthingcomes

orwhoknowswhatshe'lldotoit.

Whyareyousaying"Thing"Insteadof"Baby"?

Killthenewbaby.

,look,I-I-Iknowthisishard,

butIreallyappreciatewhatyou'redoing.

Andbelieveme,

Itakenopleasureineingyousufferlikethis.

Itakealittlepleasure.

No,butthere--thereareveryfewparentingissues

whereIcomeoutontop.

Youknow,I'oomuch.

MyFrenchbraidingis"Sloppy."

Finally,youknow,somethingthatisn'tmyfault.

Ready.

Couldyoupleajustgoputherinhercarat

whileIcompomylf?

Allright,youknowwhat,Cam?

Whydon'tIjusttakeLilytopreschoolonmywaytowork?

Ithinkthatwouldbebest.

Letmejustwhipupasmoothieforyoubeforeyougo.

Ipushthebuttons,daddy.

Youcertainlydo.

Whatdoyouthinktheprincipal'sgoingtodotome?

Iamafirst-timeoffender.

Oh,'two.

Manny,thinkofthisinapositiveway,

-Likeitisyour"Haha"moment.-Whatdoesthatmean?

Thatmeansthatoneday,you'regonnalaughaboutit.

Ah,Ishould'vejustgiventhatstupidnecklacebacktoAlicia

Whenshewasstandingrightnexttoherlocker.

Thisistheworstdayofmylife,

tilltomorrow...Oh.

.

Comeon,'sgetthisoverwith.

-Wait.-What?

Whichonedidyousaythatitwasherlocker?Thisone?

thatsmellslikerooil.

Mom?

Keepthelookout.

Nowpromimethatyouwillnever,everdoanythingdishonestagain.

Ipromi.

Okay,becauthat'snotthewayIraidyou.

Don'ttellJayanything,okay?

-Hi,Lily.-Allright,Lily.

n,sweetheart.

Bye.

Sheissosweet.

Oh,,youshould'veenheryesterday.

Yeah,shepushedababyoffofCam'slap.

.

Sheissoposssiveofhim,but,youknow,

Cam'sreallyworkingontryingnottocoddlehersomuch,

So...

I'mnotreallysureit'saboutcoddling.

Soundsmorelikeasharingissue.

Youknow,we'venoticedLilyhasahardtimewiththat.

-Really?-Iwouldn'tworry.

Kidsusuallypickthathabitupfromotherkids,

Excepttheonesthatpickitupfromtheirparents.

Wehaveafewofthoinhere.

Ofcour,Ican'tsharethonameswithyou...

untilIgetaglassofwineinmyhand.

,MissElaine.

IhavebeentoldthatImighthavetheteensiestissuewithsharing.

ButisthatsomethingLilywouldevenpickupon?

Mychicken.

Mypillow.

Daddy'spen.

Okay,it'spossible.

AndIsuppoforLily'ssake,I-Ishouldworkonthat...

erightnowwereallyneedto

getCam'scoddlingproblemundercontrol.

What'sgoingon?

Movingintotheattic.

Givemeadayortwotogetttled,thenI'llhaveyouup.

Whendidallthishappen?

Dependsonwhoyouask.

Myplan'sbeeninmotionforthreeweeks.

Honey,'regonnahateitupthere.

Mom,stayoutofthis.

odywins.

Well,don'tgettoocomfortableinthere,girls.

Luke,it'scold,andit'sscaryupthere.

You'regonnabebackinyourownroombytomorrownight.

Idon'tknow,'sgotalotofpotential.

ThisisalotnicerthantheatticIlivedinwhenwemet.

Onenight,eonthis.

Oh,yes,becauyou'realwaysright.

Sweetheart,Iwouldlovetobewrong.

Ijustdon'tlivewiththerightpeopleforthat.

Letitgo,'snotgonnabudge.

-Keptmeupallnightwiththe---Phil,youdidpushme!

Yourwordagainstmine.

Guessit'soneofthothingswe'lljustneverknow,

Likewhatreallyhappenedtothe"Titanic."

Ithitaniceberg.

-Maybe.-Mm,there'snomaybe.

Oh,you'reright,Claire.

Again.

Surpri,surpri.

Okay,I-IwilleyouoveratuncleMitchell's.

I'mgonnaskipthismeetingofthepile-onClaireclub.

GuessIpushedherintothatpile,too.

Ispendhalfmylifewaitingonyou.

Howmanytimesdoyouhavetochangeyouroutfit?

Sorry,ychoicesisaprison.

Justdrivebeforeherethinksthepants.

-What'swrongwithmypants?!-.

So,Manny,how'ditgowiththeprincipaltoday?

Itwasterrible,buthewasbrave,andnowit'sover.

-Right,Manny?-Mm-hmm.

-Sod---what'dtheygiveyou?Detention?Suspension?

No,justawarningbecauitwasfirstoffen.

-Sohowwaswork?-Great.

Justawarning,huh?

Likeshesaid.

SoIaskaboutwork,andyouchangethesubject.

Areyoutryingtohidesomething?

No,Ijustwannamakesurehe'y?

'cau,Imean,itlookslikeyou'resweatin'bulletsbackthere,kid.

heprincipal,nowyou.

Thispoorboyhasbeenscreamedatallday.

-Well,nottomention---Quiet!I'vegotthis.

-WhereisLily?-Um,she'sgettingdresd.

Allbyherlf?

-Camincouraginghertobemoreindependent.-Oh.

Andtheresheis!

Doesn'tshelookbeautiful?

Shelookslikeshewasdippedinglue,

anddraggedthroughafleamarket.

-Heythere!-Hi!

-'shorsd'oeuvres.-How'sitgoing?

Hey,doyouguyshaveanyoldfurniture?

I'mmovingintotheattic.

-Theattic?-Hey,atleastit'sbig.

Grandpasaidyouudtoliveintheclot.

,youknowwhat?

Yeah,we'?

Mydaddy!

Lily,no!

I-I'msorry,Luke.

Thisisn'tover.

Oh,ll,she'sgettingwor.

Ihaveturnedherintoapushy,little,entitledmonster,

onherwaytoarapsheetandabraceletonherankle.

Oh,shehasabraceletonherankle.

Cam.

Cam,Cam.

This--thismightnotbeentirelyyourfault.

No,itis.

IspokewithLily'steacher.

Andshethinksthat--thatshemayhaveaproblemwithsharing,

Whichshemighthavegottenfrom--

'tliketoshare.

No,Idoittomakeapointsometimes.

Like,ifyouwantthechicken,thenorderthechicken.

Wait,whendidyoutalktoLily'steacher?

Uh,today,whenI--whenIdroppedheroffatschool.

Andyouletmesufferallday?

Allright,look,we--wecan'tdothiswitheverybodyhere.

-Canwepleajustgetthroughtheevening?-Yes,

butwearenotmakingtheannouncementtonight.

Becauthatisajoyfulthing,

AndIamnotfeelingveryjoyfulrightnow.

Well,Ishareyourfeeling.

Justsoyouknow,I'montoyou.

YounevertookMannytotheprincipal.

Okay,playitlikethat,butIknowManny.

Hehasmoreofaconsciencethanyouhave.

He'snotgonnabeabletolivewiththis.

You'dbesurpridwhatpeoplecanlivewith,Jay.

Hi,'smybiggirldoing?

Good.

Canyoutellmehowoldyouarenow?

3.

That'3.

Okay,areyou?

-3.-No!Thatmanyis4.

Thismanyis3.

Don'targue,'llneverwin.

Really,Phil?

Okay,I-Iwasgonnawaituntilwegothomeforthis,

ButnowIthinkit'ssomethingeveryone'sgonnaenjoy.

Guys,everybody,comeondowntotheTVroom.

I'vegotsomethingreallyspecialtoshare.

Okay,how'verybodyondrinks?

IfthisisAlex'sgraduationagain,justleavemethebottle.

I'mgood,Cam.

Okay,everybody.

Showtime.

Oh,'susatthemarket.

-Howdidyou---Yeah,it'scuritycamerafootage.

Idon'ewewatching?

Itain't"Thegodfather,"Icantellyouthatmuch.

Okay,look,Ifellyesterdayatthemarket,

AndPhilandIhavebeenhavingalittledisagreement

,righthere.

Istoptofixmyshoe,andthenPhil--

.

Hemakeswayforthisveryattractivewoman,

whomheconvenientlyleavesoutofhisretellingofthestory.

Nowrighthere,Philbacksup,

pusheshisbuttintothecart,

pushesmeintothecans!

Doyouethat?!Oh!

It'sallhisfault,justlikeIsaid!

Iwasright!Suckit!

-Whendidyougetthis---Oh,mygod.

That'swhyyouwantedtocomeparately.

Youwenttoallthattroublejusttoproveyouwereright?

Itreallywasn'tthatmuchtrouble.

Ijustwenttothestore,foundyourfriendJordanthebagboy,

whogotmethemanager.

Hegavemetheaddressoftheoff-sitecurityoffice.

axedittocorporate.

Threeminuteslater,I'mbuyingpackofdvdsandburningacopy.

Cake.

It'slikeasickness.

What?Noneofyoubelievedme,

soIgotproof.

Youshouldallbesuckingitrightnow.

Hey,pleastopwiththe"Suckingit,"Claire.

Thechildren!

Yes,childrenareveryimpressionable.

You'llneverknowwhatthey'llpickup.

Okay,cam,I'msorrythatIblameditonyou,okay?

Butwebothneedtolookatouractions.

Imean,ifwe'rethinkingaboutadoptinganotherbaby,

thenweneedto--

-Youguys...-You'readoptinganotherkid?

-No!No,no!-You're--wait!Congratulations!

We''snot...

Whatthehell'shappeninghere?

Isthatfrom"Footloo"?

Really,Mitchell?

Youcouldn'tevensharetellingyourfamily!

.

Butwhyareyouupt?Thisissuchgoodnews.

No,we'realittleonedge

becaulilyhasbeenactingout

likeshedoesn'twantasibling,and--

Yeah,becauMitchelltaughthertohatesharing.

And/orbecaucamwearsherlikeafannypack.

Oh,stopblamingeachother.

Nokidwantsasibling.

Imean,Clairehatedyousomuch

Shestuckyouinadryerwhenyouwere2.

Youputmeinthedryer?

Idid,butitwasn't'cauIhatedyou.

MyfriendMarcisaid

Thatitwouldn'trunwithakidinsideit,

ght.

Goodgovernor.

It'sbeengoingonsinceyouwere5?

-Oh,ickness.-Yeah.

Whatwouldmakemehavethatneedatsuchayoungage?

HowlongwasIinthatdryer?BecauI--

IsthiswhyI'mafraidoftumbling?

Ihadtoquitgymnastics,Claire!

Achildhoodwithouttumbling?

Youknewthisandjuststoodbyanddidnothing?!

Okay,'sdoneisdone!

Allyoucandoislearnfromyourmistakes.

Andinthatspirit,

Iwouldliketopropoatoast...toManny.

Thisweek,hedidsomethinghewasn'tsuppodtodo,

-likewealldo---Likewealldo!

-SaludtoManny!-Uh,notyet.

ButMannystooduplikeaman.

Headmittedhewaswrongandhetookhislicks,

andI'mdamnproudofhim.

Ah,nowweclink!

No,weclinkwhenIsayweclink.

SoMannymadeamistake,buthedidn'ttaketheeasywayout.

He'sgotguts,he'sgotintegrity.

AsfarasI'mconcerned,he'sthebestlittleb--

Okay,stop!Stop!Ididn'tdoanyofthat.

Mombrokeintothelockerandthrewthenecklaceinside,

andthenweranawaylikecowards.

-I'msorry,jay!I'msorry!-Iknewit!

Iwasright!Iwasright!

Whoisit?

Hi,'okay?

Yeah.I'mgreat.

So,howyoulikingyournewdigs?

IknowyoutoldmethatI'dbecold...

andscared...

-ButI'mnot.-No,Icanethat.

Iwas--Iwaswrong.

-Youwere.-Yeah.

Well,you'regonnahatethisthen,honey,

butI'mgonnaneedyoutogobackdownandsleepinyouroldroom.

Ijust--I'mworriedifyougetsomethingsocool

thiarlyinyourlife,

You'renotgonnahaveanythingtolookforwardtolater.

I-Ihavetogonow?

Youcanspendthenighttonighthereifyouwant.

Oh!No,ifit'ssoimportanttoyou,

I'llgonow.

Youshouldcome,too.

Somethingsleepsoverthere.

rme!Waitforme.