生活大爆炸penny

Series4Episode10–TheAlienParasiteHypothesis

Scene:Theapartment.

Sheldon:’tthepointofacommunalmealtheexchangeofideasandopinions?An

opportunitytoconsiderimportantissuesoftheday?

Leonard:tkindofputadamperonthingswhenyousaid,thenextpersonIetalkingwithfoodintheir

mouthwillbeputtodeath.

Sheldon:Well,wecouldargueaboutwhosaidwhatallnightlong,buttotthingsbackoncour,Iwillpropoa

newtopicofconversation.

Leonard:Great.

Sheldon:Whatisthebestnumber?Bytheway,there’sonlyonecorrectanswer.

Raj:Fivemillion,threehundredeighteenthousandandeight?

Sheldon:’reprobablywonderingwhy.

Leonard:No.

Howard:Uh-uh.

Raj:We’regood.

Sheldon:ror,37,isthe12th,anditsmirror,21,istheproductofmultiplying,

hangontoyourhats,?Eh?DidIlie?

Leonard:Wegetit.73istheChuckNorrisofnumbers.

Sheldon:ry,73isapalindrome,one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-onewhichbackwardsis

one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one,ckNorrisbackwardsgetsyouisSirronKcuhc.

Raj:Justfortherecord,whenyouenterfivemillionthreehundredeighteenthousandandeightinacalculator,

upside-downitspellsboobies.

Leonard:Rememberwhenyouwerewonderingwhythegirlsdidn’twanttoeatwithustonight?

Howard:Yeah,Igetitnow.

Scene:Abar.

Penny:Iloveyourlittleheartlocket,Bernadette.

Bernadette:Oh,’imeIhavedinnerwithhismom,thenext

dayIgetjewellery.

Amy:DidyouknowthattheiconicValentine’sheartshapeisnotactuallybadontheshapeofahumanheart,but

ratherontheshapeofthebuttocksofafemalebendingover?

Penny:Oh,soIspentventhgradedottingmyI’swithlittleass?Cool.

Zack:Hey,Penny,how’sitgoing?

Penny:Hey,Zack,whatareyoudoinghere?

Zack:Mydad’scompanyprintsthemenusforthisplace.I’‘em

easiertocleanifpeoplethrowupon‘owIgottheidea?

Penny:Yeah,Igotit,,Zack,thearemyfriendsBernadetteandAmy.

Bernadette:Hi.

Zack:Hey.

Amy:Hoo.

Zack:Okay,well,itwasgoodtoeyou.

Penny:Yeah,you,too.

Bernadette:He’ouknowhim?

Penny:Oh,wewentoutacoupleoftimes.

Amy:I’ntoutmeanhadintercour?

Bernadette:Yes.

Penny:No,hisca,yes.

Amy:itnotsatisfactory?

Penny:No,didn’treallychallengemeonanintellectuallevel.

Bernadette:Couldn’tyoujustfoolaroundwithhimandthenlistentoNPR?

Penny:Wouldn’n’tevenspellNPR.

Bernadette:It’swhatIdowithHoward.I’’simportanttoprotecthismanhood.

Amy:Hoo.

Bernadette:What’sthematter?

Amy:I’trateilevated,mypalmsareclammy,tion,I

keepinvoluntarilysayinghoo.

Penny:Oh,weknowwhat’scausingthat,don’twe?

Amy:It’uslyhavetheflucoupledwithsudden-ontTourette’ssyndrome.

Creditsquence.

Scene:Theuniversitycafeteria.

Howard:Didyouhearabouttheaccidentatthebiolab?

Leonard:ppened?

Howard:Theywereinjectingratswithradioactiveisotopesandoneofthetechsgotbit.

Raj:Didhegetsuperpowers?

Howard:No,hegotfivestitchesandatetanusshot.

Raj:,that’sdisappointing.

Howard:Why?

Raj:Well,yougetbitbyaradioactiveanimalinalab,youkindofwanttoturnintoasuperhero.

Howard:Yeah,butwho’dwanttobecomeRat-Man?

Raj:Whowouldn’t?Youcouldzipthroughamazeinnothingflat,squeezethroughreallysmallholes,andshutdown

bestpartis,ifIwereRat-Man,youcouldbemysidekick,MouBoy.

Howard:MouBoy?

Raj:Youdon’tlikeMouBoy?Howabout,uh,uh,KidVermin?

Howard:Firstofall,ifwehadsuperpowers,Iwouldn’’dbethesidekick.

Raj:Rat-Manisnobody’ssidekick.

Howard:Leonard,woofus,who’stheobvioussidekick?

Raj:Yeah,Leonard,who?

Leonard:12yearsafterhighschool,andI’mstillatthenerdtable.

Scene:Amy’slab.

Sheldon:Aren’tyouslicingthatman’sbrainalittletoothin?

Amy:It’minationunderatwo-photon

microscope,it’sfine.

Sheldon:Well,you’orrectwaytodoitisthewrongway,thenIyield.

Amy:ieanddonateyourbodytoscience,IpromitosliceyourbrainlikeCanadianbacon.

Sheldon:Thankyou.

Amy:Now,ifyou’llexcume,Ihavetotakemytemperature.

Sheldon:Areyoumonitoringyourcircadianrhythmsinordertoidentifyyourperiodsofmaximummentalacuity?I

,youth.

Amy:No,Iexperiencedsomedistressingsymptomslastnight,soI’mcheckingmyvitalsignveryhour.

Sheldon:I’dbehappytocreateachartandparticipateinadifferentialdiagnosis.

Amy:Oh,thatsoundslikefun.

Sheldon:rethesymptoms?

Amy:Elevatedheartrate,moistpalms,drymouthandlocalizedvascularthrobbing.

Sheldon:Localizedtowhatregion?

Amy:Earsandgenitalia.

Sheldon:outenvironmentalfactors?Describethescene

forme.

Amy:IwassittinginarestaurantwithPennyandBernadette,drinkingwater,carbonatedasitwasaspecialoccasion.

Penny’sfriendZackstoppedbyandsaidhelloandIsaidhoo.

Sheldon:Who?

Amy:Zack.

Sheldon:Thenwhydidyouask?

Amy:Askwhat?

Sheldon:Who.

Amy:Zack.

Sheldon:Allright,let’dyousaywhenZackwalkedin?

Amy:Hoo.

Sheldon:Zack.

Amy:WhydoyoukeepsayingZack?

Sheldon:Becauyoukeepsayingwho.

Amy:I’oolastnight.

Sheldon:AndtheanswerwasZack,correct?

Amy:ysaidhoo.

Sheldon:Allright,leexplanationsforyoursymptomsare,indescendingorder

oflikelihood,hyperthyroidism,prematuremenopau,hostinganalienparasiteor,andIonlyincludeitforthesake

ofcoveringabsolutelyallbas,xualarousal.

Amy:WherewouldIhavepickedupanalienparasite?

Scene:Thecafeteria.

Howard:Thereyouare.

Raj:Oh,hey.

Howard:eyoumostafraidof?

Raj:Idon’,homovieswhereyougetthatphone

callthatsaysyou’regoingtodie,andthenyoudo.

Howard:ingveryspecificthatwebothknowyou,RajeshKoothrappali,areterrifiedof.

Raj:Well,ughtoflosingatoe…

Howard:Spiders!You’reafraidofspiders!

Raj:Whattheheckisthis?

Howard:Ajarwithabigspiderinit,netotakehishandoutisthesidekick.

Raj:Areyoucrazy?

Howard:scared?

Raj:’sastupidtest.

Howard:Oh,really?Whatiftheearthwasindangerandtheonlywaytosaveitwastostickyourhandinajarwitha

spider?

Raj:Oh,yeah?Whatiftheearthwasindangerandtheonlywaytosaveitwastotakeashowerinthelockerroom

andletotherguyseyounaked?

Howard:Oh,’yourhandinthejarorforeverberevealedasmy

sidekick.

Raj:Allright,Iwill.

Howard:Howdidyougetsobraveallofasudden?

Raj:It’der’scrawlingupyourarm.

Howard:Getitoff!Getitoff!Plea,Raj!Ah!Ah!Ah!!

Scene:Amy’slab.

Amy:ollevelsnormal.

Sheldon:Howaboutyourfollicle-stimulatinghormonelevels?

Amy:Sheldon,Iamnotgoingthroughmenopau.

Sheldon:Areyousure?Yousaidthatwiththetestybarkofanoldbiddy.

Amy:Ithinkweneedtofacethecold,hardtruth,IwasxuallyaroudbyPenny’sfriendZack.

Sheldon:’tknowthatwe’vegiventhealienparasitehypothesisafairshake.

Amy:Let’stomach,enitals,Ihavethepotentialforxualarousal.

Sheldon:w,indifficultmomentslikethis,Ioftenturntoaforcegreaterthan

mylf.

Amy:Religion?

Sheldon:eStarTrek:TheMotionPicture?

Amy:No.

Sheldon:Don’’r,init,welearnthatwhenSpockfindshimlfdrawnoffthepathoflogicby

feelingsbubblingupfromhishumanhalf,hesuppressthemusingtheVulcanmentaldisciplineofKolinar.

Amy:Areyousuggestingweliveourlivesguidedbythephilosophiesfoundincheapsciencefiction?

Sheldon:Cheapsciencefiction?

Amy:Whatareyoudoing?

Sheldon:UsingKolinartosuppressmyangeratthatlastcomment.

Amy:Isitpossiblethatyourconcernformeatthismomentismotivatedbynothingmorethansimplejealousy?

Sheldon:Ihadn’ht,I’veconsideredit.

Amy:And?

Sheldon:Irejectit.

Amy:Yourejectitbecauyoudon’tfeeljealousy,orbecauyouaresuppressingjealousy?

Sheldon:IthinkI’lleatmylunchathome.

Amy:That’snotyourlunch,Sheldon,thoarethecadaverbrainspecimens.

Sheldon:wereincorrectlysliced,youcanehowIcouldmistakethemformysashimi.

Scene:Thelaundryroom.

Sheldon:Hello.

Penny:’ttomorrowyourusuallaundrynight?

Sheldon:oneunderorover-softens,I’llneedtimeto

makethingsright.

Penny:That’sthinkingahead.

Sheldon:t’sjustremembering.

Penny:Sohow’sAmy?

Sheldon:Amy’havetolethergo.

Penny:Oh,?

Sheldon:Ithoughtshewasahighlyevolvedcreatureofpureintellect,enteventsindicatethatshe

u.

Penny:Justgoingtoskipoverthatinsult.

Sheldon:Whatinsult?

Penny:’swhyI’sayingthatAmyis,oh,what’sthe

scientificword?

Sheldon:’shorny.

Penny:Oh!.

Sheldon:It’’snothingIcandoaboutit.

Penny:Areyousure?

Sheldon:Whatareyousuggesting?

Penny:I’msuggestingtheremightbesomethingyoucoulddoaboutAmy’surges?

Sheldon:It’sillegaltospayahumanbeing.

Penny:’snotwhatIhadinmind.

Sheldon:!YoumeansomethingIcoulddo.

Penny:Exactly.

Sheldon:Well,ou,Penny.I’llletyouknow

whathappens.

Penny:Oh,Amy,youluckygirl.

Scene:nisonthephone.

Sheldon:theZackJohnsonwhoudtohavecoituswithmyneighbourPenny?

.I’.

veafeelingI’,

thatdoessoundlikeagirl’,itdoesn’,ellyouwhy

I’mcalling.I’dliketoknowifyou’,that

isagirl’’sliketryingtotalktoadolphin.

Scene:Agymnasium.

Leonard:Really?Thisisgoingtodecidewho’stheheroandwho’sthesidekick?

Howard:Yougotabetteridea?

Leonard:Everyideaisbetterthanthisidea.

Howard:Ding!

Raj:ehellisding?

Howard:It’sabell.

Raj:Idon’tthinkthiskindofwrestlinghasabell.

Howard:ouwanttostart?

Raj:Isay,uh,howaboutone,two,three,go?

Howard:One-two-three-go?That’sforbabies.

Raj:Okay,howabout,uh,onyourmark,gett,go?

Howard:That’anttorace,wehavetogooutside.

Raj:No,it’’tbringmyjacket.

Howard:Oh,ndofsuperheroneedsajacket?

Raj:Whatkindofsuperherosaysdibsontheredtights,dibsontheredtights.

Howard:Allright,howaboutthis?Ready,wrestle.

Raj:tartingnow?Oristhatwhatyou’regoingtosaywhenwedostart,or…

Howard:We’restartingnow!

Raj:Don’tyellatme!

Leonard:metomind.

Scene:Abar.

Sheldon:authorityaretheypermittedtomutilatepatronsastheyenter?

Amy:I’msureit’llwashoff.

Sheldon:ikeaHell’sAngel.

Amy:There’sZack.

Sheldon:Areyousurethisiswhatyouwanttodo?

Amy:It’snotwhatIwanttodo,it’swhatIhavetodo.

Sheldon:Go,yourendocrinesystem.

Amy:Thankyou,’reagoodfriend.

Sheldon:Pleadon’nevergoingtocomeoff.

Amy:Excume?Zack?pentmylifeinpursuitofpure

metyou,hereIstandbeforeyou,130

poundsofragingestrogen,longingtograbholdofyourgluteusmaximusandmakeShakespeare’smetaphorical

beastwithtwobacks.

Zack:Mygluteuswhat?

Amy:Ontheotherhand,asIlookattheblank,ape-likeexpressiononyourface,IhavedecidedtoadopttheVulcan

-bye,Zack.

Zack:ouldholdmeforawhile.

Scene:Thegymnasium.

Howard:I’mlegallyobligatedtoinformyouthatItookakaratelessonwhenIwas11.I’dbearegularninjabynowif

mymomcould’vearrangedacarpool.

Raj:Oh,yeah?Well,I’vebeentakingPilatesclassatthereccenter,andmyabslooklikectionsofaHersheybar.

Howard:Oh,yeah?Won’tmatter,you’regoingdown!

Raj:No,uh-uh,you’regoingdown!

Howard:Ifanybody’sgoingtogodown,it’sgoingtobeyou.

Leonard:’’stouchedeachother.

Scene:Astreet.

Sheldon:I’mgladyoudecidedtorejectyouranimalhindbrainandreturntotherealmofpureintellect.

Amy:AsamI.(HoldsSheldon’shand)

Sheldon:Whatareyoudoing?

Amy:ind.

Scene:Thegymnasium.

Raj:Yourealizeyoucan’twin.

Howard:IprefertothinkthatIcan’tlo.

Raj:You’’sonlyamatteroftimebeforeyoufallintoRat-Man’srattrap.

Howard:Youpatheticfool!Iftherewerearat-catcher,wouldn’titcatchRat-Man?

Raj:JustbecauIdidn’texpressmylfwelldoesn’tmeanmyunderlyingpointwasinvalid!Youbloviatingbuffoon!

Howard:Younarcissisticnincompoop!

Raj:Youcrimsoncoward!Oh,Leonard,wakeup,you’remissingsomeveryexcellentsuperheroquips.