摩登家庭第二季

Sotherateofdiffusionequalssomething

timesthesquarerootof...something...

Igiveup.

Aw,soclo.

Shutup.

Hey,don''llgetit.

Youknow,alotoffamousscientistsarewomen.

They'refat,though,right?

Comeon,'stimeforyourcellolesson.

How'sthetutoringgoing?

Areyoufamiliarwiththeterm

"throwinggoodmoneyafterbad"?

Areyoufamiliarwiththeterm

"Dunphy,partyofone"?

-Becauyouwillbe.-Girls.

Haley'scomingalongreallywell,.

.

Well,thekeyistotakealotoflittlebreaks

soyoudon'tgetfrustratedandwanttoquit.

Gotit.

IwastalkingtoDavid.

Comeon,sweetie.

I'mjustsaying--she'snevergonnagetajob,

andhowdoweknowtherightmiddle-easternbusinessman

wouldn'ttreathergreat?

Ileftmyshoppinglistinside.

Fortherecord,wethoughtshecouldlivewithyou.

LikeI'mgonnatellanyofyouwhereIlive.

Haley!

What?

WeonlydothiswhenIgetoneright.

Mommashouldbeherebynow.

Iwonderwhat'skeepingher.

Well,Cam,takeherjalopy

oroneofthemnewfancyflyin'machines?

Youknow,Missouriismorecosmopolitan

thanyougiveitcreditfor,Mitchell.

It'sgotaveryvibrantcowboy-poetryscene.

I'mnotsureyou'remakingthepointthatyouthink--

That'ive.

Momma!

Oh,mybaby!

Oh,iss.

Mitchell,getoverhere!

Aah,hey,Barb!

Oh,mybaby'sbaby!Howareyou?

Well,Idon'twanttooverstatethis,

butmymomisthegreatestwomanthateverlived.

Camloveshismom.

Sheraid4kids,2barns,

andawholelotofhell.

Well,thatsoundslikeacountrysong.

Andthatsongwouldbecalled

"TheGreatestWomanthateverLived".

Camloveshismom.

FromtheminuteImetBarb,

shehasbeenopenandlovingand--andcaring.

Oh,Ihavemisdtheshoulders!

IfIhadonecomplaint--

andIdo--

it'sthe...inappropriateputtingofherhandsonmybody.

Hey,uthecranberriesyouwantedforthestuffing.

Oh,blessyourheart.

Letmegetinthereandhelpya.

Andahorybite.

ThisishowIliketocuddle.

It'sbeen--it'sbeengoingonalongtime.

Jay,youwanttogotothemallwithme?

No,actually,mystomach'salittlefunnytoday.

Oh,Iamsosorry,papi.

Maybewe'llstopfirstatthecribstore,

andyoulaydown,andIbuyyoualittledress,huh?

GloriathinksAmericansarebabies.

Well,inColombia,wecouldn'tgorunningtothehospital

foreverylittlesniffleordislocatedshoulder.

.

?

Jay,whatareyoursymptoms?

Naua,bloating?

Manny,whatdidIsayaboutgettingoff

thatcrazydoctorwebsite?

I'mjustworriedaboutJay.

Stomachpainscanmeanalotofthings--

intestinalblockage...

Doyouhaveafever?

Stopit!Manny,he'sfine.

-Tellhimyou'refine.-I'mfine.

Okay,hecar.

Uh,homefine,notmallfine.

Jay,youknowwhathappenswhenIshopangry.

I'llclearaspace.

I'mnotlovingyourcolor.

Goplay.

Don'tbeahero.

So,dumbguysgofordumbgirls,

andsmartguysgofordumbgirls?

Whatdothesmartgirlsget?

Catsmostly.

So,Haley,howlonghaveIbeenpayingthisguy

tomakeoutwithyou?

Uh,aboutaweek.

Firstitwasjusttoshuthimup,

butnowI'mstartingtolikehim.

Ifyoureallylikehim,though,

youhavetobreakupwithDylan.

What?No!

Believeme--

andit'sbestforeverybodyifyoujustdoitquickly.

Ican'tbelievewe'rehavingthisconversation.

He'slikepartofthefamily.

Trustme--it'stherightthingtodo.

Justendit.

Okay,butbegentle.

Boysaresurprisinglynsitiveatthatage.

Water-polo-girlstory.

Yes,I'mgonnatellthewater-polo-girlstory,

'cauithurt!

Okay,soI'mworkingintheprincipal'soffice.

Shewalksin,

hairallsilverfromthechlorine...

tellsmeshewantshervarsityjacketback.

Itearupalittle,

thenItearupalot.

I'mbegging,I'mbegging--

atsomepointIrealize

I'msittingonthebutton

tothehigh-schoolintercomsystem.

Yukitup,ladies.

Wasn'tfunnythen,isnotfunnynow.

Itwastraumatic,Haley.

Don'tdoDylanlikeLinda"thecannon"Concannondidme.

Oh,honey...

thatwasalongtimeago.

Ilovedher.

.

Youknowwhat?

MaybeI'llcallDylanafterhetalkstoHaley.

He'sgonnaneedsomeonetoleanon.

Butthatsomeoneshouldnotbehix-girlfriend'sfather.

Honey,whenDylanisoutofherlife,

heshouldbeoutofours.

You'vealwayshatedDylan.

IhavenotalwayshatedDylan.

IhavealwaysthoughtthatHaleycoulddobetter.

Plus,thenewboyfriendissosmart.

It'eup.

What?!

'sover.

I'llbetthat'shim.

Sad-faceemoticon!

Youcanfeelthehurtthroughthephone!

Cam'smom'sbeenhalfofthedinnerwithherhands

alloverme.

Itwaslikeshewasblind

andwantedtoknowwhatmythighslookedlike.

Areyousure?

Imean,areyoureallythebestjudgeofthiskindofathing?

You'vehadboundaryissuessinceyouwereakid.

Ihavenot!

ake.

MustbeCam'smom...herissues.

Whatareyoudoing?

-Nothing--justgettingaspoon.-Stopit.

-Isitbotheringyou?-Yes,itis.

-Hey,Mitchell-Claire,stopit!Stopit!

-Mitchell,Mitchell,Mitchell,Mitchell---Forcefield!

Thatneverstopsbeingfun.

Good.

Listen,thisis--thisisnotinmyhead,Claire.

Andit'sactuallygettingwor.

WhatdoesCamsay?

Well,heneveremstonotice.

AndIcertainlycan'ttalktohimaboutit

becauGodforbidIsayanythingnegativeabouthismom.

OnetimeIaddedsalttohercasrole...

...andhewentintothegarageandpunchedthecar.

Okay,Mitchell,ifthisishappening--

andI'mprettysureitisn't--

tive.

thenyouneedCamtoehismomfeelingyouup

andthenmakeCamdealwithit.

Thinkaboutit.

Hi,Dylan.

Hey,.

Or,Iguess,nowthatHaleyandIbrokeup,

Ishouldcallyou"Claire".

Actually,Ithinkwe'regonnastickwith"".

youdoing?

Notsogood.

Imean,everywhereIlook,Ieherface.

Tobefair,Dylan,thatisafamilyportrait.

cool?

Oh,.

Theresheisagain!

Oh,don'tlookonthebookshelf!

You'rejustgonna...

Hey,kid,yougotaminute?

Ineedthenameofthatmedicalwebsite.

CanthiswaituntilI'mhome?

I'mhavingtheroundofmylife.

I'vebeenthinking,Imighthaveacoupleoftho,uh,

thosymptomsyouweretalkingabout.

Ie.

Youmightaswellplaythrough.

It'sgonnabeawhile.

Imean,I'mprobablywrong,

but,youknow,Ijust,uh,wanttomakesure.

-IsthatManny?-Work.

So,uh,tellthemI'll--

I'llgetthatorderoutthisafternoon,huh?

Didshebuythat?

Becauitsoundedfakeonthind.

I'lltalktoyoulater,Tom.

Tom.

Dylan!

Oh,Dylan,Dylan,Dylan,Dylan.

Hey,.

Hey,nowthatyouguysarebrokenup,

youcancallmewhateveryouwant.

Phil,VitaminP.,.

Okay,Phil.

Okay.

I'mgonnamissthatbadboy.

WhenIforgetmyownaxe,

sometimesIcomeinhereandnoodleonit.

Actually,I'vebeenwritingalittlesongofmyown.

Mightbeabletopluckoutafew...

Youknow,Ikeeponhopingthatthisisjustadream,

thatHaleyandIdidn'treallybreakup.

Butit'snotadream...

unlessthewholethingwasadream

andweneverevendatedinthefirstplace.

Weird--thisiskindofwhatmysong'sabout.

.

Iknowthisistough,butyou'regonnabefine.

Youknow,Iwasalotlikeyouinhighschool...

exceptmyhairwasshorter

andmyguitarwasaflute.

Well,ifyouwantyourownguitar,

Imean,wecould--

Wecouldgooutandwe'dpickyouone.

Oh,Idon't--Idon'tknowifthat'ssuchagoodidea.

y.

Well

IguessI'llgetgoing.

So...

Ican...well,bealoneforever.

Uh,what--whatthehell?

Let'sgoguitarshopping.

Awesome.

Uh,'t--don'?

it.

ht.

Well,IguessI'lleya.

--

you,uh,youcangoaheadandexit

throughthe...frontdoor.

Oh,.

Myoldyearbook!

YouknowIsavedthemall.

-Oh,look.-What?

"You'rethecutestboyinschool.

You'regonnahaveanawesomesummer.

Smooches--Brenda."

Oh,Brenda,youareabouttohave

themostconfusingsummerofyourlife.

Hey,guys!

Oh,there'sMitchell!

Mylittlecornsilk!

Oh,Barb,oh,youaresuchagoodhugger.

Isn'tshethebesthugger?

Oh,thankyou.

Oh,andlookwhatI--Igotyou,Barb.

What'sthat?

Scratchers!

-Mmm...-Thankyou.

Nice.

Oh,that'syourtea.I'mgonnagetyourtea.

Thanks,honey.

Well,Ineedaquarter.

avethat.

Oh,wow,yeah,feelfreetofisharoundinthere.

Cam?Cam.

I'dlikeacup,too,plea.

Justacond.

Ohh,Barb,wwhat?

I-I-Istrainedmylfsobadtoday.

Well,what'shurtin'onya?

It'sthisareabetweenmy,uh,lowerback

andupperthigh.

Soundslikeyourfanny.

It'smyfanny.

It'sreallyknottedup.

Well,youneedsomeonetoworkonthat.

Ohh,--it'sreallyizedup.

Justputyourfingersallovermy...

myfanny.

Yourmagicfingers...Barb.

Momma?Yourtea.

-Mitchell?-Thanks,sweetie.

Seeyouintheroomforaminute?

'sveryhot.

-Don'tburnyourtongue.-Allright,honey.

Okay,Iamnotgonnacry,

butIwanttoknowwhy,Mitchell,

Whyyouareprentingtomymotherlikeababoon.

Iwantedyoutoeherfondlingme.

So,youdowantmetocry.

No,no,Cam,it'sjustthat...

she'salwaystouchingmeinappropriately,

andyouneveremtonotice.

Showme,Mitchell.

ShowmeonLily'sdollwheremymotheristouchingyou.

Iknowthatyoudon'twanttohearthis,butshe'shandsy,

anditmakesmeuncomfortable.

Oh,hatthisis.

You'rejustnotudtohavingamotherthatshowsaffection.

Oh,donotmakethisaboutmymother.

Ididn't.

Butitisnormalforamothertobephysical.

Anditisnotstrange

foranoccasionalhugoralittlepatontanny.

Okay,thearen'tpats,Cam--no.

Shesqueezesandlingers!

Showmewhereshesqueezesandlingers.

Cam,putthedolldown.

Idon'tknowifthisisjustxualor--orcrazytown,

butyourmothercannotkeepherhandsoffofme,

andit'screepingmeout

No.

Barb...

Letmeshowyou

whereyoustabbedmymomma.

Thanksforhelpingmepickoutmyaxe.

Youweresoright,bytheway.

Theonewithtwoneckswouldhavebeenoverkill.

Ifyouwant,youcanhavesomeofthat.

Dietstartstomorrow!

Don'aboutthis,either.

I,uh,IalwayswantedtogotothisplacewithHaley,

butshesaiditlookedstupid.

She'sagirlwithstrongopinions--

likehermother.

ClairehatesthisnewsweatshirtIbought.

Shesaysitlookslikesomething

agirlwouldweartothebeach.

Yeah,itdoes.

ButIwearitanyway.

See?

Ifigure,whybealiveifyoucan'tdothethings

you'repassionateabout?

Whatareyoupassionateabout,Dylan?

Whatareyoupassionateabout,Dylan?

Uh,IalwayswantedtodrivetoGraceland.

Fun!Whatel?

Iknowaguywhocangetmeapetbobcat.

Yeah!No,youdon'treallyknowwhatthey'regonnado.

Thepointis,yougotyourwholelifeaheadofyou.

Enjoybeingsingle.

Ireallygottoplaythatsongforyou.

Thisisallinthere.

Yeah.

tback.

Hey,hey,comehere.

Isthatguyovertherewithsomeone?

Couldyoutelliftherewasanythinggoingonbetweenthem?

Idon'know.

TheyweretalkingabouttakingatriptoGracelandtogether.

Hejustwantstogo

'cauhethinksit'sanamumentpark!

Igottotellyou,

Igottotellyou,

thisislookingmoreandmorelikediverticulitis.

Dotheysayhowtotreatit?

Likeaheatingpador--ohh--thereitisagain.

Well,describethepain.

It'slikeI'mbeingstabbed,

butalsolikeIateabadscallop

that'sstabbingmefromtheinside.

That'scolorful,butthere'snoboxforthat.

Whatareyouguyslookingat?

Whatareyouguyslookingat?

-Girls!-Huffingtonpost...girls.

Manny,letmeethatscreen.

WhatdidItellyou?

It'himtolook.

I'mstartingtothinkIhaveariousproblemhere.

Yes,youdo!Thatcomputer!

Youreaditthere,youthinkithere,

youfeelithere.

Youwanttofeelbetter?

There--you'recured.

Giveme15minutes,

thentellFlorenceNightingaleIwenttothehospital.

thentellFlorenceNightingaleIwenttothehospital.

I'mgonnakillher!I'mgonnakillhim!

I'mgonnakillbothofthem!

Whathappened?

Dylanhasanewgirlfriend!

Whendidthathappen?

Whocares?

I'mjustsurpridhedidn'tsayanything...

toyou.

He'snotansweringmytexts.

Howcouldhedothistome?!

Oh,honey,youweretheonewhobrokeupwithhim.

Ididn'tthinkhewasgonnafindsomeonesofast!

Maybehe'sbetterthanIthought.

No,he'?No,he'snotbetter!

No,youknowwho'sbetter?

David--Davidthetutor.

Smart,smartDavid?

Maybethat'shimrightnow!

Doyouwantthehoutoyourlf?

Forjustalittlewhile.

Igotyourtexts.

Yousworealot.

Whoisshe?

Whoiswho?

Yournewgirlfriend.

Ineedhernameandaddress,soIcanmessherup.

Idon'thaveanewgirlfriend.

Don'tplaydumb,Dylan.

I'mnot.I'mneverplayingdumb!

Isawyouatthatstupidrestaurant,

sharingasundaewithheruglysweatshirtonthechair.

Oh,isthattheskank?

No...no,there's--there'snoskank.

Well,thenwhyaren'tyoansweringit?

'CauIwanttotalktoyou.

Well,Iwanttotalktoher.

I'mgonnacallherback

andtellhertokeepherhandsoff

ofwhatbelongstome.

-Haley...-Hello.

-Dad?-Haley?

Oh...my...god--thesweatshirt?

ThatwasyouwithDylan?!

Wait,you'retheothergirl?

No,we'rejustfriends!

Phil,whatareyou--

Okay,putthephonedown.

whatisgoingon?

Heneededsomeonetotalkto.

Hetookthebreak-upprettyhard.

-But---Youdid?

Imean,Ikeptonhopingthatwe'dgetbacktogether.

Thinkingofyouwithsomeoneeljustdrovemecrazy.

Metoo,baby.

Butthenyourdahelpedmefigureout

maybeit'sbestifwe'reapart.

Nice.

Imean,IthinkIjustneed

alittletimetodate...Dylan.

AndImeanme,notanotherguynamedDylan.

So,we'restillbrokenup?

Yeah,Ithinkso.

...um...Idon'tknow--I'lleyou.

Bye.

Areyouokay,baby?

Doyouneedanotherpillow?

Iknowyouthinkthisisnothing,

buthedidsayitcouldbeanulcer.

Healsosaiditcouldbegas.

Doyouwantmetoburpyou?re.

Dollarstodoughnuts,it'sdiverticulitis.

Actually,it'snot.

Youhaveacutependicitis.

Weneedtogetyouintosurgeryrightaway.

ouitwassomething.

Thatcan'etocheckagain!

Thetestsareconclusive.

Everythingwillbeallright,ett.

Let'sgo.

No,jay,ifthat'strue,

yhenI'mtheworstwifeinthewholewideworld!

Imadeyousufferfortwowholedays!

Honey,it'sokay.

No,it'snotokay!

Why?!WhydoIalwaysalmostkillmyhusbands?!

AndIwanttohearthisstorysometime,

butI'msortofcountingdowntoarupturehere!

No!!Youcan'tgowithoutforgivingme!

Whatifyoudieinthere?

WhatdoIdowithoutyou?!

Iforgiveyou,

butnobodydiesofanappendectomy!

True,it'susuallytheanesthesiathatgetsyou.

You'reover60,right?

Iwillneverforgetyou,Jay!!

Couldyougobacktonotcaring,plea?!

Mitchell,it'sBarb.

Ohh,Barb.I'msosorry.

Well,no,no,honey,youhush.

Look,I...

I'vebeenthinkingaboutwhatIheard,and...

maybeIdotouchyoutoomuch.

AndIcouldsayit's'cauwe'reafamily,

but,youknow,Idon'tknow.

IguessIhavebeenhavingsomefunwithyou,

andI...Ithoughtthatitwasharmless,

butIwouldneverwanttomakeyouuncomfortable.

Barb,it'smyfault,too.

Sowe'reokay?

Yes,yes,ofcour.

Thankgod.

'CauIcouldn'tlivewithmylf

ifthingsstayedweirdbetweenus.

-Uh,Cam?Cam?-Whatisit?

Well,wegotitallworkedout,sweetie!

Oh,etmycamera!

Okay,that'snotnecessary--no!

Fromnowon,ifIgotoofar,

-plea,youjusttellmeaboutit.-Okay.

Whatisthat?Oh--ohh!

Almostlostmybracelet.

-Thatwouldbeanareathat'sokay.-No!

-Oh,dangit!-I'llgetit.I'llgetit.

Oh,no,Isawwhereitfell.

Forcefield!Forcefield!

What'sgoingon?

-Ilostmybraceletinhere.-Momma!

Listen,Ithinkthismightbeoneofthosituations

whereMitchellfeelslikeyou'recrossingaboundary.

Really?

Like,thistoo?

Well...I...Igottohaveagoodlongthink

abouthowIconductmylf.

I'mtrulysorry,Mitchell.

It'sokay!It'sokay.

Well,let'stakeonequickpicture,

-andwe'llgetoutofhisway.-tely.

-Scoochtogetherthere.-Thisallright?

Okay.

Imisshim.

Hewasyourfirstrealboyfriend.

Ikeepexpectinghimtoshowup.

Heudtocomebyatnight,

andI'dsneakouttoehim.

-Yeah,Iknow.-Youknew?

Hiscaris30yearsoldanddoesn'thaveamuffler.

Andhehonked.

Ilovedthatcar.

Irodeinittotheguitarstore.

IfeltlikeIwasflying.

Iknowithurtsnow,sweetheart,but...

that'showyouknowitwasarelationshipworthhaving.

Thanks,dad.

SoDylan,youlovetheGraceland?

Yeah,that'strue.

Probablywouldbecooleriftheyhadrollercoasters.

Still,it'sfuntoewherethekinglived,huh?

,no,no.

That'adoesn'thaveaking.

,?

Well,that'snotalwaystheca.

So,Dylan,didyougetachance

tolistentothatsongIntyou?

No?Yougotvenminutes?