ven years later

Pregnant,Pill-FreeandPanicked

¶BecauI’velivedsolongwithanxiety,therewerelotsofthingsIfiguredI’dnever,everdo—

,inmy20s,beforeI’dmanagedtostumbleonthe

combinationofdrugsandexercithatallowsmetobeassaneasIcanexpecttobe,Iwasso

sureI’dnevergivebirththatIgotatattooofagiantkoifishextendingfromoneendofmy

abdomentotheother.

¶SevenyearslaterIfoundmylfhugelypregnant—thekoifishhadexpandedtoakoiwhale,

stretchedoutintoagiant,

darkerdays,wingeyestaredbackatmeinthemirror.

Tobeclear,Ididchootobecomepregnant,andwhenIdidIfoundmylfinaveryironic

situation:mydecisiontohaveachildwastheresultofanofstabilityIenjoyedduetotaking

anarrayofanti-anxietymedicationsthatIwouldbestronglyadvidbymostdoctorstostop

takingnowthatIwaspregnant.

Itwasalsomymedicated,logicalbrainthatreasonedthatthepossiblesideeffectsofthedrugs

onthebabywouldbeevengreaterthantheanxiousthoughtsandbehaviorsthatwouldflood

it!Itoldmylf.

SoIstoppedtakingthepills.

siswhathappened.

¶Mypregnancywasonelong,nonfunctionalfunk,inwhichIoscillated

betweenthecouchandthebedandldomremovedmyfavoritepairof

tomakeapiechartofmy

activityduringpregnancy,thetwolargestctionswouldbe“crying”

and“apatheticallywatching‘Law&Order’reruns.”Iworriedthatupon

birthmychildwouldnotrecognizemyvoiceorthatofmyhusbandbutonly

thegestationalbackgroundnoishe’dheardthemost—thesoundof

agavelslammingontowood.

¶Pregnancywithoutdrugsmadeitimpossiblenottoconstantlyentertain

thegiant,

practicallytheverymomentIfoundIwashosttoalivingbeing,Irealized

bered,thatI,toowas

erIallowedmylfthe

slightestglimpatthenewpotentialzenithoflossmadepossibleby

thisgiftofachild,Ibecameparalyzed.

¶Thespecterofdoubtinmyheadwasaconvincingone—ittookonthe

formofawizenedvoicethatbroughttomindanelderlyphilosophy

professorinasweatervestsittinginarockingchairandthoughtfully

puffingawayatapipe.“Justlookatyou;lookatyourlife!”thevoice

said.“HowexactlywouldsomeonelikeyouMacGyverahumanbabyfromthe

etherofsarcasm,Eggowaffles,anddoghairthatisyourexistence?”

It’strue,’noughofatriumphformetorememberto

turnoffthecoffeemakereachmorningthatI’mliterallyproudwhenI

inkI’dactuallysomehowmanagedtoconjureup—and

nurture—anotherperson?

Related

MoreFromAnxiety

Readpreviouscontributionstothisries.

¶This,ofcour,spawnedworriesformethatthepregnancywasn’t

mple,the“nesting”energyI’dbeentold

allbehind

d

ofremovingitImanufacturedanoddlinkbetweenthegrowingdustball

andmygrowingfetus:Ididnotpickituporthrowitawayforfearthat

grewsolarge

thatourdogbegantoregarditwithsuspicion—sittingveralfeet

away,trembling,emittingalowgrowl—Ifinallycompromidby

vacuumingitupbutnotemptyingthevacuumintothetrash:itwasstill

safe,tossit

afterIgavebirth.

¶Onthebrightside,pregnancyactuallydecreadmyanxietyincertain

areas—gthehouwithout

changingintoactualclothing,forinstance,would’vemadeunpregnant

mefeellf-conscious,butpregnantmenevergaveitacondthought.

ItmadegoingthroughtheMcDonald’sdrive-thruwhilewearingabathrobe

at3:kdayfeelvenpercentlesmbarrassingthanit

orpumpinggasinoversizedtropicalbirdpatterned

meoneatastoplightrecentlyudtheirphoneto

takeapictureofmedrinkingfromthemouthofa2-literbottleinmy

car,,Ihadtoactivelyreininmy

apathyatothers’judgmentofmysloth.

¶Amazingly,’vebeguntoresume

thetakingofmybelovedanti-anxietydrugs.

¶

ButnowthatIamamother,IamatthethresholdofawholenewtofanxietiesIhaven’teven

allowedmylftocontemplate.I’mabouttoenteraclubwhereincreadanxietyisthenorm

evenforpeoplewithregularbrains—sowherewillthatleaveme?WhenIdoallowmylfto

thinkaboutwhat’sbeyondthecliff,it’stheworrythatIwon’tbeabletohandletheworry:that

noamountofmedication,catharticyoga,oromega-3-enriched,low-prervative-dietfoodcould

aboutthegamesandtricksmybrainwillplayonme

ihere’sone

thingI’vepracticedtodateinmylife,it’hinghaspreparedmeevenslightlyfor

what’sabouttocome,maybeit’sthat:maybemylife-longnemesiswasjustagatewayto

motherhoodallalong.

AlissaNuttingisauthoroftheshortstorycollection“UncleanJobsforWomenandGirls”andan

utnovel,“Tampa,”willbe

publishednextweek..