鼠王

1

Althougheachoftheworld's

countries

2

wouldliketodisputethis

fact,

3

weFrenchknowthetruth:

4

Thebestfoodintheworld

ismadeinFrance.

5

ThebestfoodinFrance

ismadeinParis.

6

AndthebestfoodinParis,

somesay,

ismadebyChefAuguste

Gusteau.

7

Gusteau'srestaurant

isthetoastofParis,

8

bookedfivemonthsin

advance.

9

Andhisdazzlingascent

tothetopoffineFrench

cuisine

10

hasmadehiscompetitors

envious.

11

Heistheyoungestchefever

toachieveafive-starrating.

12

ChefGusteau'scookbook,

AnyoneCanCook!

13

Climbedtothetopofthe

bestllerlist.

14

Butnoteveryone

celebratesitssuccess.

15

Amusingtitle,AnyoneCan

Cook!

16

What'venmoreamusingis

that

Gusteauactuallyemsto

believeit.

17

I,ontheotherhand,

takecookingriously.

18

And,no,Idon'tthinkanyone

candoit.

19

Thisisme.

20

Ithinkit'sapparent

Ineedtorethinkmylifea

littlebit.

21

What'smyproblem?

22

Firstofall,I'marat.

23

Whichmeanslifeishard.

24

Andcond,Ihaveahighly

developed

noftasteandsmell.

25

Flour,eggs,sugar,vanilla

bean...

26

Oh!Smalltwistoflemon.

27

Whoa,youcansmellall

that?

Youhaveagift.

28

ThisisEmile,mybrother.

He'asilyimpresd.

29

Soyoucansmell

ingredients?

Sowhat?

30

'snever

impresd.

31

Healsohappenstobe

theleaderofourclan.

32

So,what'swrong

withhavinghighly

developedns?

33

-Whoa,whoa,whoa!Don't

eatthat!

-What'sgoingonhere?

34

Turnsoutthatfunnysmell

wasratpoison.

35

Suddenly,Daddidn'tthink

mytalentwasuless.

36

Iwasfeelingprettygood

aboutmygift,

37

untilDadgavemeajob.

38

Clean.

39

Clean.

40

That'checker.

41

Cleanerific.

42

Cleanerino.

43

Clotogodliness.

44

Whichmeansclean.

Youknow,cleanlinessis

cloto...

45

.

46

Well,itmademydadproud.

47

Now,don'tyoufeelbetter,

Remy?

You'vehelpedanoblecau.

48

Noble?We'rethieves,Dad.

49

Andwhatwe'restealingis,

let'sfaceit,garbage.

50

Itisn'tstealingifnoone

wantsit.

51

Ifnoonewantsit,

whyarewestealingit?

52

Let'sjustsay

wehavedifferentpointsof

view.

53

ThismuchIknew:

54

Ifyouarewhatyoueat,

thenIonlywanttoeatthe

goodstuff.

55

Buttomydad...

56

Foodisfuel.

57

Yougetpickyaboutwhat

youput

inthetank,yourengineis

gonnadie.

58

Nowshutupandeatyour

garbage.

59

Look,ifwe'regoingtobe

thieves,

60

whynotstealthegoodstuff

inthekitchen,

61

wherenothingispoisoned?

62

Firstofall,wearenot

thieves.

63

Secondly,stayoutofthe

kitchen

andawayfromthehumans.

64

It'sdangerous.

65

Iknow

I'msuppodtohatehumans,

66

butthere'ssomethingabout

them.

67

Theydon'tjustsurvive.

Theydiscover,theycreate.

68

Imean,

justlookatwhattheydo

withfood.

69

HowcanIdescribeit?

70

Goodfoodislikemusicyou

cantaste,

coloryoucansmell.

71

Thereixcellenceall

aroundyou.

72

Youneedonlybeawareto

stop

andsavorit.

73

Oh,Gusteauwasright.

74

Oh,mmm,yeah.

75

Oh,amazing.

76

Eachflavorwastotally

unique.

77

Butcombineoneflavorwith

another,

78

andsomethingnewwas

created.

79

SonowIhadacretlife.

80

Theonlyonewhoknew

aboutit

wasEmile.

81

Hey,.

82

Ifoundamushroom.

83

Comeon,you'regoodat

hidingfood.

Helpmefindagoodplaceto

putthis.

84

Hedoesn'tunderstandme,

butIcanbemylfaround

him.

85

Whyareyouwalkinglike

that?

86

Idon'twanttoconstantly

havetowashmypaws.

87

Didyoueverthinkabout

howwewalk

onthesamepaws

88

thatwehandlefoodwith?

89

Youeverthinkabout

whatweputintoour

mouths?

90

Allthetime.

91

WhenIeat,Idon'twantto

taste

everywheremypawshave

been.

92

Well,goahead.

93

ButifDadesyouwalking

likethat,

he'snotgoingtolikeit.

94

Whathaveyougotthere?

95

Ah,oh,oh...

96

Youfoundchee?

97

Andnotjustanychee.

Tommedechevredepays!

98

Thatwouldgobeautifully

withmymushroom.

99

And...

100

Thisromary!This

romary

101

withmaybewithafewdrops

fromthissweetgrass.

102

Well,throwitonthepile,I

guess,

andthenwe'II...Youknow...

103

Wedon'twanttothrowthis

in

special.

104

Butwe'resuppod

toreturntothecolony

105

beforesundownor,

youknow,Dad'sgonna...

106

Emile!

107

Therearepossibilities

unexploredhere.

108

Wegottocookthis.

109

Now,exactlyhowwecook

this

istherealquestion...

110

Yeah.

111

Thekeyistokeepturningit.

112

Getthesmokyflavornice

andeven.

113

Thatstorm'sgettingclor.

114

Hey,Remy,youthinkthat

maybe

weshouldn'tbeso...

115

Yougottotastethis!

116

Thisis...It'sgotthiskind

of...

It'sburny,melty...

117

It'snotreallyasmokytaste.

It'sacertain...It'skindof

likea...

118

It'sgot,like,this"ba-boom,

zap"

'tyou

think?

119

-Whatwouldyoucallthat

flavor?

-Lightning-y?

120

'slightning-y!

Wegottodothatagain.

121

Okay,whenthenextstorm

comes,

we'llgoupontheroof...

122

Iknowwhatthisneeds!

Saffron!

Alittlesaffronwouldmake

this!

123

getthe

feeling

124

-it'sinthekitchen?

-It'sinthekitchen.

125

Saffron.

-Notgood.

126

Saffron.

127

Don''sgonna

wakeup.

128

I'vebeendownherea

milliontimes.

129

Sheturnsonthecooking

channel,

boom,sheneverwakesup.

130

You'vebeenhereamillion

times?

131

I'mtellingyou,saffronwill

be

u

swearsbyit.

132

'sGusteau?

133

Justthegreatestchefinthe

world.

Wrotethiscookbook.

134

d?

135

-Well,notexcessively.

-Oh,dknow?

136

Youcouldfillabook,alot

ofbooks,withthingsDad

doesn'tknow.

137

Andtheyhave,whichiswhy

Iread.

Whichisalsoourcret.

138

Idon'tlikecrets.

139

Allthiscooking

andreadingand

TV-watching

140

whilewereadandcook.

141

It'slikeyou'reinvolvingme

incrime,

andIletyou.

142

WhydoIletyou?

143

What'stakingthokidsso

long?

144

Ah,I'n.

Huh?

145

Gusteausaysit'xcellent.

Goodthingtheoldladyisa

foodlove...

146

Forgetmystique.

Thisisaboutyourcooking.

147

Hey!That',

look.

148

Greatcooking

isnotforthefaintofheart.

149

Youmustbeimaginative,

stronghearted.

150

Youmusttrythingsthatmay

notwork.

151

Andyoumustnotletanyone

defineyourlimits

152

becauofwhereyoucome

from.

153

Youronlylimitisyoursoul.

154

cancook.

Butonlythefearlesscanbe

great.

155

Purepoetry.

156

Butitwasnottolast.

157

Gusteau'srestaurantlost

oneofitsfivestars

158

afterascathingreview

byFrance'stopfoodcritic,

AntonEgo.

159

Itwasavereblowto

Gusteau,

160

andthebrokenheartedchef

diedshortlyafterwards,

161

which,accordingtotradition,

meantthelossofanother

star.

162

Gusteauisdead?

163

Oh!

164

Oh!Oh!

165

Oh!

166

Run!

167

No,you'llleadhertothe

colony!

168

-Help,Remy,help!

-Emile!Startswingingthe

light!

169

Trytograbyou.

170

Emile,swingtome.

171

Evacuate!Everyone,tothe

boats.

172

Letmethrough!

-Thebook.

173

Letmethrough!

-Thebook.

174

,move.

175

Go,go,go,,move,

move.

176

Getthebridgeup!Moveit,

moveit!

177

Hey,Johnny!Hurry!

178

.

179

Gethold!

180

-!

-Givemeyourpaw.

181

Hey,waitforme!

182

Iverybodyhere?

Dowehaveeverybody?

183

-'s

Remy?

-Righthere.I'mcoming.

184

I'mcoming!

185

Holdon,Son.

Givehimsomethingtograb

onto.

186

Comeon,,Son.

187

orit.

188

Youcandoit.

189

-Remy!

-Dad!

190

makeit.

Youcanmakeit.

191

Guys,!

192

.

193

Holdon!

on.

194

Dad?

195

Dad?

196

Whichway?

197

Iwaited

198

forasound,

199

avoice,

200

asign,

201

something.

202

Ifyouarehungry,

goupandlookaround,

Remy.

203

Whydoyouwaitandmope?

204

Well,I'vejustlostmyfamily,

allmyfriends,

205

probablyforever.

206

-Howdoyouknow?

-Well,I...

207

Youareanillustration.

WhyamItalkingtoyou?

208

Well,youjustlostyour

family,

lonely.

209

,you'redead.

210

Ah,butthatisnomatch

forwishfulthinking.

211

Ifyoufocusonwhatyou've

leftbehind,

212

you'llneverbeabletoe

whatliesahead.

213

Nowgoupandlookaround.

214

Oh!

215

Champagne!

216

Whatareyoudoing?

217

I'mhungry.

218

Idon'tknowwhereIam,

219

andIdon'tknow

whenI'llfindfoodagain.

220

Remy,youarebetterthan

that.

Youareacook.

221

takes.

Youarenotathief.

222

ButIamhungry.

223

Foodwillcome,Remy.

224

Foodalwayscomes

tothowholovetocook.

225

-YouthinkIamplaying?

-Youdon'thavetheguts.

226

Paris?

227

Allthistime

I'vebeenunderneathParis?

228

Wow.

229

It'sbeautiful.

230

Themostbeautiful.

231

Gusteau's?Yourrestaurant?

232

You'veledmetoyour

restaurant.

233

ItemsasthoughIhave.

Yes.

Thereitis!Ihaveledyouto

it!

234

Igottoethis.

235

Readytogoontableven.

Comingaround.

236

Oneorderofsteamedpike

up.

Comingup.

237

Ineed

moresoupbowls,plea.

238

Ineedtworackoflamb.

Ineedmoreleeks.

239

Ineedtwosalmon,three

saladecompoe,andthree

filet.

240

Threeorders

ofsaladecompoeworking.

241

Firingtwoorders,ared

salmon.

242

plates.

243

Fireven.

Threesaladecompoeup.

244

Don'tmesswithmymi!

245

Opendownlow.

246

I'mgettingburiedhere.

247

Hello,ChefSkinner.

Howyournightbenow?

248

Bonjour,chef.

Hello,ChefSkinner.

249

-Evening,chef.

Orderingdeuxfilet.

250

Hey,boss,lookwhoishere.

251

AlfredoLinguini,Renata's

littleboy.

252

-Hi.

-Allgrownup,eh?

253

YourememberRenata,

Gusteau'soldflame?

254

-you...

-Linguini.

255

Yes,ofyou

tovisit.

Howis...

256

-Mymother?

-Renata.

257

-Yes,he?

-Good.

258

Well,not...She'sbeenbetter.

Imean...

259

Shedied.

260

Oh.

261

I'msorry.

262

Oh,don'ievedin

heaven,

soshe'scovered.

263

Youknow,afterlife-wi?

264

-What'sthis?

-Sheleftitforyou.

265

Ithinkshehopeditwould

helpme,

266

youknow,getajobhere.

267

Butofcour.

Gusteauwouldn'thesitate.

268

AnysonofRenata'sismore

than...

269

Yes,well,wecouldfilethis

andifsomethingsuitable

opensup...

270

Wehavealreadyhiredhim.

271

What?Howdareyouhire

someone

withoutmy...

272

Weneededagarbageboy.

273

Oh,...

274

I'mgladitworkedout.

275

Uh...

276

Ican'tbelieveit.

277

Arealgourmetkitchen,

andIgettowatch.

278

You'vereadmybook.

Letusehowmuchyou

know,huh?

279

Whichoneisthechef?

280

Oh!Uh...

281

-Oh,thatguy.

-Verygood.

282

Whoisnextincommand?

283

.

284

Thesousisresponsiblefor

thekitchen

whenthechef'snotaround.

285

Saucier,inchargeofsauces.

Veryimportant.

286

Chefdepartie,demichefde

partie,

bothimportant.

287

Commis,commis,they're

cooks.

Veryimportant.

288

,

whoisthat?

289

Oh,him?He'snobody.

290

rtofthe

kitchen.

291

No,he'saplongeuror

something.

292

Hewashesdishesortakes

out

n'tcook.

293

-Buthecould.

-Uh,no.

294

Howdoyouknow?

WhatdoIalwayssay?

295

Anyonecancook.

296

Well,yeah,anyonecan.

Thatdoesn'tmeanthat

anyoneshould.

297

Well,

?

298

Whatishedoing?

!No,thisisterrible!

299

He'sruiningthesoup.

Andnobody'snoticing?

300

It'

something.

301

WhatcanIdo?

Iamafigmentofyour

imagination.

302

Buthe'sruiningthesoup!

Wegottotellsomeonethat

he's...

303

Tablefivecomingup,

rightnow.

304

Comingdowntheline.

Set.

305

Ah!

306

Hot!Openoven!

307

Ah!

308

Comingaround.

309

Ooh!

310

Oui,chef.

Onefiletmignon,threelamb,

twoduck.

311

Firethosouffles

fortablesix,ja.

312

Fiveminutes,chef.

-Oh,God.

313

Tonight,

I'dliketoprentthefoie

gras.

314

Ithasawonderfulfinish.

315

Ooh!

-Ah!

316

Hmm.

317

Readytogoontableven.

Comeon!Let'sgo!

318

Oui,chef.

319

Remy!Whatareyouwaiting

for?

320

Isthisgoingtobecomea

regularthing

withyou?

321

Youknowhowtofixit.

Thisisyourchance.

322

Thesoup!Whereisthe

soup?

Outofmyway.

323

Moveit,garbageboy!

324

Youarecooking?

325

Howdareyoucookinmy

kitchen?

326

Wheredoyougetthegall

327

toevenattemptsomething

somonumentallyidiotic?

328

Ishouldhaveyoudrawn

andquartered!

329

I'thelawison

myside.

330

Larous,drawandquarter

thisman

331

afteryouputhimintheduck

press

tosqueezethefatoutofhis

head.

332

-Whatareyoublathering

about?

-Thesoup!

333

Soup?

334

Stopthatsoup!

335

No!

336

Waiter.

337

Linguini!

338

You'refired!

339

F-I-R-E-D!Fired!

340

Shewantstoethechef.

341

Buthe...

342

-Whatdidthecustomersay?

-

wasacritic.

343

-Ego?

-SoleneLeClaire.

344

-LeClaire?Whatdidshe

say?

-Shelikesthesoup.

345

-Wait.

-Whatdoyoumean,"Wait"?

346

You'rethereasonI'minthis

mess.

347

Someoneisaskingabout

yoursoup.

348

Whatareyouplayingat?

349

AmIstillfired?

350

Youcan'tfirehim.

-What?

351

LeClairelikesit,yeah?

Shemadeapointoftelling

youso.

352

Ifshewriteareviewtothat

effect

353

andfindoutyoufired

thecookresponsible...

354

-He'sagarbageboy.

-Whomadesomethingshe

liked.

355

Howcanweclaimto

reprent

thenameofGusteau

356

ifwedon'tuphold

hismostcherishedbelief?

357

Andwhatbeliefisthat,

MademoilleTatou?

358

Anyonecancook.

359

PerhapsIhavebeenabit

harsh

onournewgarbageboy.

360

Hehastakenaboldrisk

361

andweshouldrewardthat,

asChefGusteauwouldhave.

362

Ifhewishes

toswimindangerouswaters,

363

whoarewetodenyhim?

364

-Youwereescaping?

-Oh,yeah.

365

Sinceyouhaveexpresd

suchaninterestinhis

cookingcareer,

366

youshallberesponsiblefor

it.

367

Anyoneel?

368

Thenbacktowork.

369

Youareeitherverylucky

orveryunlucky.

370

Youwillmakethesoup

again,

andthistime,I'llbepaying

attention.

371

Verycloattention.

372

Theythinkyoumightbea

cook.

ButyouknowwhatIthink,

Linguini?

373

Ithinkyouareasneaky,

overreachinglittle...

374

Rat!

375

-Rat!

Gettherat.

376

ethingto

trapit.

377

It'sgettingaway.

Getit,getit,getit.

378

-WhatshouldIdonow?

-Killit.

379

-Now?

-No,

youmad?

380

Doyouknowwhatwould

happentous

381

ifanyoneknew

wehadaratinourkitchen?

382

They'dclousdown.

383

Ourreputationishangingby

athread

asitis.

384

away.

!

385

Whoa!

386

Doh!

387

Don'tlookatmelikethat!

Youaren'ttheonlyonewho's

trapped.

388

Theyexpectmetocookit

again!

389

Imean,I'mnotambitious.

Iwasn'ttryingtocook.

390

Iwasjusttryingtostayout

oftrouble.

391

You'retheonewhowas

gettingfancy

withthespices!

392

Whatdidyouthrowinthere?

Oregano?

No?What?Romary?

393

That'saspice,isn'tit?

Romary?

394

Youdidn'tthrowromaryin

there?

395

Thenwhatwasallthe

flipping

andallthethrowingthe...

396

Ineedthisjob.I'velostso

many.

397

Idon'tknowhowtocook,

andnow

I'mactuallytalkingtoarat

asifyou...

398

Didyounod?

399

Haveyoubeennodding?

400

Youunderstandme?

401

SoI'mnotcrazy!

402

Waitacond,waitacond.

403

Ican'tcook,canI?

404

Butyou...

405

Youcan,right?

406

Look,don'tbesomodest.

You'rearat,forPete'ssake.

407

Whateveryoudid,theyliked

it.

408

uldwork.

409

Hey,theylikedthesoup!

410

Theylikedthesoup.

Doyouthinkyoucoulddoit

again?

411

Okay,I'mgoingtoletyou

outnow.

412

Butwe'retogetheronthis.

Right?

413

Okay.

414

Sothisisit.

415

Imean,it'snotmuch,butit's,

youknow...

416

Notmuch.

417

Itcouldbewor.

418

There'sheatandlight

andacouchwithaTV.

419

So,youknow,what'smineis

yours.

420

Areyou...

421

Isthisadream?

422

Thebestkindofdream.

423

Onewecanshare.

424

Butwhyhere?

425

Whynow?

426

Whynothere?

427

Whynotnow?

428

Whatbetterplacetodream

thaninParis?

429

Morning,

and...

430

Oh,no.

431

Idiot!Iknewthiswould

happen!

432

Iletaratintomyplace

andtellhimwhat'smineis

his!

433

Eggs,gone!

434

Stupid!He'sstolenfood

andhittheroad!WhatdidI

expect?

435

That'swhatIgetfortrusting

a...

436

forme?

437

Mmm!

438

That'dyou

putinthis?

439

Where'dyougetthat?

440

Look,it''t

steal.

I'llbuysomespices,okay?

441

Oh,'regoingtobe

late.

Andonthefirstday!

442

Comeon,LittleChef!

443

"ThoughI,likemanyother

critic,

444

"hadwrittenoffGusteauas

irrelevant

sincethegreatchef'sdeath,

445

"thesoupwasarevelation.

Aspicyyetsubtletaste

experience."

446

-SoleneLeClaire?

-Yes!

447

"Againstallodds,

Gusteau'shasrecapturedour

attention.

448

"Onlytimewilltellifthey

derveit."

449

Well...

450

Youknow.

451

Look,Iknowit'sstupidand

weird,

butneitherofuscandothis

alone,

452

sowegottodoittogether,

right?

Youwithme?

453

Solet'sdothisthing!

454

I...

455

Welcometohell.

Now,recreatethesoup.

456

Takeasmuchtimeasyou

need.

Allweekifyoumust.

457

Soup.

458

Youlittle...

459

Ow!

460

Yousonofa...

461

Yougot...

462

Thisisnotgoingtowork,

LittleChef!

463

I'mgoingtoloit

ifwedothisanymore.

464

We'vegottofigureout

somethingel.

465

Somethingthatdoesn't

involve

anybiting,ornipping,

466

orrunningupanddownmy

body

withyourlittleratfeet.

467

Thebiting!No!Scampering!

No!

468

Noscamperingorscurrying.

Understand,LittleChef?

469

LittleChef?

470

Oh,you'rehungry.

471

'sthinkthisout.

472

Youknowhowtocook,

andIknowhowtoappear

473

human.

474

Weneedtoworkouta

system

sothatIdowhatyouwant

475

inawaythatdoesn'tlook

like

I'mbeingcontrolledbyatiny

ratchef.

476

Wouldyoulistentome?I'm

insane!

I'minsane!I'minsane!

477

Inarefrigeratortalkingtoa

rat

aboutcookinginagourmet

restaurant.

478

-Iwillneverpullthisoff!

-Linguini?

479

Wegottacommunicate.

480

Ican'tbeconstantly

checking

forayesornoheadshake

froma...

481

Therat!Isawit!

482

-Arat?

-Yes,extto

you.

483

Whatareyoudoinginhere?

484

I'mjustfamiliarizingmylf

with,

youknow,thevegetablesand

such.

485

Getout.

486

Onecangettoofamiliar

withvegetables,youknow!

487

okay

upthere?

488

Whoa!

489

Howdidyoudothat?

490

That'sstrangelyinvoluntary!

491

OnelookandIknew

wehadthesamecrazyidea.

492

Okay.

493

Huh?

494

Whereareyoutakingme?

Wait.

495

Whoa!

496

Wait.I'msorry.

497

Whoa!

498

Okay.

499

Mmm-hmm...

500

Okay.

501

Whoa!

502

Whoa!

503

Avotresante!

504

Allright.

505

Thatshoulddoit.

506

Mmm.

507

e

ableto

repeatyouraccidental

success.

508

Butyou'llneedtoknow

morethansoup

ifyouaretosurviveinmy

kitchen,boy.

509

Colettewillberesponsible

for

teachingyouhowwedo

thingshere.

510

Listen,Ijustwantyouto

know

511

howhonoredIam

tobestudyingundersuch...

512

No!ant

youtoknow

exactlywhoyouaredealing

with.

513

Howmanywomen

doyoueinthiskitchen?

514

Well,I...

515

-outhink

thatis?

-Well,I...

516

Becauhautecuisine

isanantiquatedhierarchy

517

builtuponrules

writtenbystupidoldmen.

518

Rulesdesignedtomakeit

impossible

forwomentoenterthis

world.

519

ButstillI'

thishappen?

520

Becau,well,becauyou...

521

BecauIamthetoughest

cook

inthiskitchen.

522

I'veworkedtoohard

fortoolongtogethere

523

andIamnotgoingto

jeopardizeit

forsomegarbageboywho

gotlucky.

524

Gotit?

525

Wow!

526

umakes

Chinefood

527

Chine-easy.

528

-Excellentwork,Francois,

asusual.

-It'sgood,isn'tit?

529

Iwantyoutoworkup

something

formylatestfrozenfood

concept.

530

Gusteau'sCornPuppies.

531

They'relikecorndogs,only

smaller.

Bitesize.

532

Whatarecorndogs?

533

Cheapsausagesdippedin

batter

w,

American.

534

Whipsomethingup.

535

MaybeGusteauinoveralls

andHuckleberryTomhat.

536

Orasabigearofcorn

indoggiemake-up.

537

Yes.

But,plea,withdignity.

538

Getmylawyer!

539

Well,thewillstipulates

540

thatifafteraperiodoftwo

years

fromthedateofdeath

541

noheirappears,

542

Gusteau'sbusinessinterests

willpasstohissouschef.

You.

543

Iknowwhatthewill

stipulates.

544

WhatIwanttoknowisif

thisletter...

Ifthisboychangesanything!

545

There'snotmuch

remblance.

546

There'snoremblanceat

all.

HeisnotGusteau'sson.

547

Gusteauhadnochildren,

andwhatofthetimingofall

this?

548

Thedeadlineinthewill

expiresinlessthanamonth!

549

Suddenly,

someboyarriveswitha

letter

550

fromhisrecentlydecead

mother

claimingGusteauishis

father?

551

Highlysuspect!

552

-ThisisGusteau's?

-Yes,yes,yes.

553

-MayI?

-Ofcour.

554

Buttheboydoesnotknow.

555

Sheclaimsshenevertold

him,

orGusteau,andasksthatI

nottell.

556

-Whyyou?Whatdoesshe

want?

-Ajobfortheboy.

557

-Onlyajob?

-Well,yes.

558

Thenwhatareyouworried

about?

Ifheworkshere,

559

you'llbeabletokeepaneye

onhim

whileIdoalittledigging.

560

Findouthowmuchofthisis

real.

561

Iwillneedyou

tocollectsomeDNA

samples

562

,maybe.

563

Markmywords.

Thewholethingishighly

suspect.

564

Heknowssomething.

565

Relax,he'sagarbageboy.

Ithinkyoucanhandlehim.

566

Whatareyoudoing?

567

I'mcuttingvegetables.

I'mcuttingvegetables?

568

No!Youwasteenergyand

time!

569

Youthinkcookingisacute

job,

likeMommyinthekitchen?

570

Well,Mommyneverhadto

face

571

thedinnerrushwhenthe

orders

comefloodingin,

572

andeverydishisdifferent

andnonearesimple,

573

andallofthedifferent

cookingtimes,

574

butmustarriveonthe

customer'stable

575

atexactlythesametime,

hotandperfect!

576

Everycondcounts,

andyoucannotbeMommy!

577

Whatisthis?Keepyour

stationclear!

578

Whenthemealrushcomes,

whatwillhappen?

579

Messystationsslowthings

down.

580

Fooddoesn'tgo,orderspile

up.

Disaster.

581

I'llmakethiasyto

remember.

582

Keepyourstationclear,

orIwillkillyou!

583

Yoursleeves

looklikeyouthrewupon

them.

584

Keepyourhandsandarms

in,

is.

See?

585

Alwaysreturntothis

position.

586

utensils,

hotmetal,keepyourarmsin.

587

Youwillminimizecutsand

burns

andkeepyoursleevesclean.

588

Markofachef:

Messyapron,cleansleeves.

589

IknowtheGusteaustyle

cold.

590

Ineverydish,ChefGusteau

alwayshassomething

unexpected.

591

Iwillshowyou.

Imemorizeallhisrecipe.

592

-Alwaysdosomething

unexpected.

-therecipe.

593

-Butyoujustsaidthat...

-No,no,no.

594

Itwashisjobtobe

unexpected.

Itisourjobto...

595

-Followhisrecipes.

-Followtherecipe.

596

Howdoyoutellhowgood

breadis

withouttastingit?

597

Notthesmell,notthelook,

butthesoundofthecrust.

598

Listen.

599

Symphonyofcrackle.

Onlygreatbreadsoundthis

way.

600

Theonlywaytogetthebest

produce

istohavefirstpickofthe

day

601

andthereareonlytwoway

togetfirstpick.

602

Growityourlf,orbribea

grower.

603

Voila!Thebestrestaurantget

firstpick.

604

Peoplethinkhautecuisineis

snooty.

Sochefmustalsobesnooty.

605

Butnotso.

Lalothereranawayfrom

homeat12.

606

Gothiredbycircuspeople

asanacrobat.

607

Andthenhegetfired

608

formessingaround

withtheringmaster's

daughter.

609

Horsthasdonetime.

610

LINGUINl:Whatfor?

611

changes

thestoryeverytimeyouask

him.

612

Idefraudedamajor

corporation.

613

Irobbedthecondlargest

bank

inFranceusingonlya

ballpointpen.

614

Icreatedaholeintheozone

overAvignon.

615

Ikilledamanwiththis

thumb.

616

Don'teverplaycards

withPompidou.

617

He'sbeenbannedfromLas

Vegas

andMonteCarlo.

618

-Larousrangunforthe

Resistance.

-Whichresistance?

619

Hewon'tsay.

Apparently,theydidn'twin.

620

Soyoue.

621

Weareartist,pirate.

Morethancooksarewe.

622

-We?

-oneofusnow,

oui?

623

ou,bytheway,

foralltheadviceabout

cooking.

624

-Thankyou,too.

-Forwhat?

625

Fortakingit.

626

Huh?

627

Therat!

628

-Butheisa...

-Ijustdroppedmykeys.

629

Haveyoudecidedthis

evening?

630

-Yoursoupixcellent.

But...

-Butweorderiteverytime.

631

-Whateldoyouhave?

-Well,wehaveaverynice

foiegras.

632

Iknowaboutthefoiegras.

633

Theoldstandby,

udtobefamousforit.

634

Whatdoesthechefhave

that'snew?

635

-Someonehasaskedwhatis

new!

-New?

636

Itellthem?

637

-Well,whatdidyoutell

them?

-ItoldthemIwouldask!

638

Whatareyoublathering

about?

639

-Customersareaskingwhat

isnew.

-WhatshouldItellthem?

640

-Whatdidyoutellthem?

-ItoldthemIwouldask!

641

Thisissimple.

642

JustpulloutanoldGusteau

recipe,

643

somethingwehaven'tmade

inawhile...

644

Theyknowabouttheold

stuff.

TheylikeLinguini'ssoup.

645

Theyareaskingforfood

fromLinguini?

646

Alotofcustomerslikethe

soup.

That'sallwearesaying.

647

Werewesayingthat?

648

'sLinguini

theywant

649

tellthemChefLinguinihas

prepared

somethingspecialforthem.

650

Somethingdefinitelyoff

menu.

651

Oh,anddon'tforgettostress

652

-itsLinguini-ness.

-Oui,chef.

653

Nowisyourchancetotry

something

worthyofyourtalent,

Linguini.

654

Aforgottenfavoriteofthe

chef's,

sweetbreadalaGusteau.

655

-Colettewillhelpyou.

-Oui,chef.

656

Now,ers

arehungry.

657

Areyousure?

Thatrecipewasadisaster.

658

Gusteauhimlfsaidso.

659

Justthesortofchallenge

abuddingchefneeds.

660

"SweetbreadalaGusteau.

661

"Sweetbreadcooked

inaaweedsaltcrust

662

"withcuttlefishtentacle,

dogropuree,

66

"geoduckegg,driedwhite

fungus?

664

"Anchovylicoricesauce."

665

Idon'tknowthisrecipe,

butit'sGusteau's,so...

666

Lalo!Wehave

somevealstomachsoaking,

yes?

667

Yes!

Thevealstomach,Igetthat.

668

Vealstomach?

669

Oh!

670

Okay.

671

I'...

672

Hey,Igotto...Hey!

673

Don'tmindme.

Ijustneedtoborrowthisreal

quick.

674

Let'se,overhere...

675

I'llbeback.

676

Thankyou.

677

Excume.I'mgoingto...

678

Apparently,Ineedthis.I'll

beright...

679

I'mgoingtopickthatup.

680

Igotsomeofthatspice.

681

Okay.

682

Whatareyoudoing?You're

suppod

683

tobepreparingtheGusteau

recipe.

684

Thisistherecipe.

685

Therecipedoesn'tcall

forwhitetruffleoil!

686

Whatelhaveyou...

Youareimprovising?

687

Thisisnotimeto

experiment.

Thecustomerarewaiting.

688

You'dlisten

toyou!

689

-Stopthat!

-Stopwhat?

690

Freakingmeout!

Whateveryouaredoing,stop

it.

691

Whereisthespecialorder?

-Coming!

692

-Ithoughtweweretogether

onthis.

-Wearetogether.

693

-Thenwhatareyoudoing?

-It'sveryhardtoexplain.

694

-Thespecial?

-Comegetit!

695

Whoa,whoa.

Iforgottheanchovylicorice

sauce.

696

-Don'tyoudare.

-I'mnot,I'mnot.I'm...

697

Sorry.

698

IsLinguini'sdishdoneyet?

699

'sasbadaswe

remember.

Justwentout.

700

-Didyoutasteit?

-Ja,ofcour,beforehe

changedit.

701

?Howcouldhe

changeit?

702

Hechangedit

asitwasgoingoutthedoor!

703

Ow!

704

Theyloveit!

705

Otherdinersarealready

askingaboutit,about

Linguini.

706

Ihavevenmoreorders!

707

That'swonderful.

708

I'dlikeoneoftho.

709

Specialorder!

710

Whatisthat?

711

Specialorder!Specialorder!

Specialorder!

712

ToLinguini.

713

-Congratulations,Mr.

Linguini.

-Cheers,ja?

714

Drinknow,there'splenty.

715

Takeabreak,LittleChef.

Getsomeair.

716

Wereallydidittonight.

717

Dah!

718

Gotyourtoque!

719

Oh,riouslynow.

720

I'dlovetohavealittletalk

withyou,

Linguini,inmyoffice.

721

-AmIintrouble?

-Trouble?No.

722

Alittlewine,afriendlychat.

Justuscooks.

723

Theplongeurwon'tbe

comingtoyou

foradviceanymore,eh,

Colette?

724

He'sgottenallheneeds.

725

Toastingyoursuccess,eh,

Linguini?

1

00:00:04,938-->

00:00:08,237

OLDERTED:Kids,I'm

gonnatellyou

anincrediblestory.

2

00:00:08,341-->

00:00:10,741

ThestoryofhowImet

yourmother.

3

00:00:10,844-->

00:00:13,711

-Arewebeingpunished

forsomething?

-No.

4

00:00:13,813-->

00:00:16,441

-Yeah,isthisgonnatake

awhile?

-Yes.

5

00:00:17,050-->

00:00:21,419

Twenty-fiveyearsago,

beforeIwasDad,

Ihadthiswholeother

life.

6

00:00:25,825-->

00:00:28,020

Itwaswaybackin2005,

00:00:28,128-->

00:00:30,790

Iwas27,juststarting

tomakeitasanarchitect

8

00:00:30,897-->

00:00:33,889

andIivinginNewYork

withMarshall,

mybestfriendfrom

college,

9

00:00:34,000-->

00:00:35,126

MyIifewasgood,

10

00:00:35,235-->

00:00:38,932

AndthenUncleMarshall

wentandscrewedthe

wholethingup,

11

00:00:39,172-->

00:00:40,799

Willyoumarryme?

12

00:00:41,508-->

00:00:42,770

t.

13

00:00:42,876-->

00:00:45,640

Andthenyou'reengaged,

youpopthechampagne,

youdrinkatoast,

14

00:00:45,745-->

00:00:47,736

youhavexonthe

kitchenfloor.

15

00:00:47,847-->

00:00:50,213

-Don'thavexonour

kitchenfloor.

-Gotit.

16

00:00:50,316-->

00:00:51,806

Thanksforhelpingme

planthisout,Ted.

17

00:00:51,918-->

00:00:54,284

Dude,areyoukidding?

It'syouandLily.

18

00:00:54,387-->

00:00:56,685

I'vebeenthereforall

thebigmoments

ofyouandLily.

19

00:00:56,823-->

00:01:01,157

Thenightyoumet,

yourfirstdate,other

firstthings.

20

00:01:02,062-->

00:01:04,394

Yeah,sorry,wethought

youwereasleep.

21

00:01:04,497-->

00:01:05,623

It'sphysics,Marshall.

22

00:01:05,732-->

00:01:08,860

Ifthebottombunkmoves,

thetopbunkmoves,too.

23

00:01:10,203-->

00:01:13,639

MyGod,you'regetting

engagedtonight.

24

00:01:14,808-->

00:01:17,174

eyoudoing

tonight?

25

00:01:18,144-->

00:01:20,544

WhatwasIdoing?Here,

UncleMarshall

26

00:01:20,647-->

00:01:23,172

wastakingthebiggest

stepofhisIife,

Andme?

27

00:01:23,283-->

00:01:25,513

I'mcallingupyourUncle

Barney,

28

00:01:25,618-->

00:01:28,314

Hey,soyouknowhow

I'vealwayshadathing

forhalf-Asiangirls?

29

00:01:29,956-->

00:01:33,756

Well,nowI'vegotanew

favorite.

Lebanegirls.

30

00:01:34,094-->

00:01:36,756

Lebanegirlsarethe

newhalf-Asians.

31

00:01:36,863-->

00:01:38,455

Hey,youwannado

somethingtonight?

32

00:01:38,565-->

00:01:41,329

Okay,meetmeatthebar

in15minutes.

Andsuitup!

33

00:01:44,337-->

00:01:46,999

-Hey.

-Where'syoursuit?

34

00:01:47,107-->

00:01:49,598

Justonce,whenIsay

"suitup,"

Iwishyou'dputona

suit.

35

00:01:49,709-->

00:01:53,145

-etime.

-ltwasablazer.

36

00:01:54,681-->

00:01:58,082

Youknow,eversince

college

it'sbeenMarshalland

Lilyandme.

37

00:01:58,585-->

00:02:01,110

Nowit'sgonnabe

MarshallandLilyandme.

38

00:02:01,221-->

00:02:03,018

They'llgetmarried,

startafamily.

39

00:02:03,123-->

00:02:05,182

Beforelong,

I'mthatweird

middle-agedbachelor

40

00:02:05,291-->

00:02:07,418

theirkidscall"Uncle

Ted."

41

00:02:09,929-->

00:02:11,226

Iewhatthisisabout.

42

00:02:11,331-->

00:02:13,526

HaveyouforgottenwhatI

saidtoyou

thenightwemet?

43

00:02:15,802-->

00:02:18,362

Ted,I'mgonnateachyou

howtolive.

44

00:02:19,339-->

00:02:22,740

-tthe

urinal.

-Oh,.

45

00:02:22,842-->

00:02:26,209

Lessonone,lothe

goatee.

Itdoesn'tgowithyour

suit.

46

00:02:26,312-->

00:02:28,906

-I'mnotwearingasuit.

-Lessontwo,getasuit.

47

00:02:29,015-->

00:02:31,006

t

A.

48

00:02:31,684-->

00:02:32,673

Lessonthree,

49

00:02:32,785-->

00:02:36,084

don'teventhinkabout

gettingmarried

tillyou're30.

50

00:02:36,689-->

00:02:38,350

,you're

right.

51

00:02:38,458-->

00:02:40,323

Iguessit'sjust,your

bestfriend

getngaged,

52

00:02:40,426-->

00:02:43,623

-youstartthinkingabout

thatstuff.

-IthoughtIwasyourbest

friend.

53

00:02:43,730-->

00:02:46,460

Ted,sayI'myourbest

friend.

54

00:02:48,001-->

00:02:49,161

-You'remybestfriend,

Barney.

-Good.

55

00:02:49,269-->

00:02:51,965

Thenasyourbestfriend,

Isuggestweplay

alittlegameIliketo

call,

56

00:02:52,071-->

00:02:53,299

"HaveyoumetTed?"

57

00:02:53,406-->

00:02:55,067

No,no,no,no,we'renot

playing

"HaveyoumetTed."

58

00:02:55,175-->

00:02:56,540

Hi,haveyoumetTed?

59

00:02:57,477-->

00:03:00,446

-Hi,I'mTed.

-Yasmin.

60

00:03:00,713-->

00:03:03,773

-It'saveryprettyname.

-'sLebane.

61

00:03:07,053-->

00:03:08,020

Hey.

62

00:03:08,388-->

00:03:09,355

(GROANS)

63

00:03:09,489-->

00:03:10,683

I'mexhausted.

64

00:03:10,790-->

00:03:14,157

Itwasfinger-painting

dayatschool

anda5-year-oldboy

65

00:03:14,260-->

00:03:16,353

gottocondbawith

me.

66

00:03:17,764-->

00:03:21,097

-Wow,you'recooking?

-Yes,Iam.

67

00:03:23,870-->

00:03:25,804

Areyousurethat'sagood

idea

afterlasttime.

68

00:03:25,905-->

00:03:28,669

Youlookedreallycreepy

withouteyebrows.

69

00:03:28,908-->

00:03:29,897

Icanhandlethis.

70

00:03:30,009-->

00:03:32,239

Ithinkyou'llfind

I'mfullofsurpris

tonight.

71

00:03:32,345-->

00:03:34,370

Sothere'smoresurpris?

Likewhat?

72

00:03:34,747-->

00:03:36,681

Marshallwasinhis

condyear

oflawschool,

73

00:03:36,783-->

00:03:39,149

sohewasprettygood

atthinkingonhisfeet,

74

00:03:39,252-->

00:03:42,517

Boogedyboo!Andthat's

allofthem.

75

00:03:44,123-->

00:03:45,988

I'mgonnagocook.

76

00:03:46,793-->

00:03:48,488

I'msohappyforMarshall,

Ireallyam.

77

00:03:48,595-->

00:03:50,722

Ijustcouldn'timagine

ttlingdown

rightnow.

78

00:03:50,830-->

00:03:54,357

-Sodoyouthinkyou'll

evergetmarried?

-Well,maybeeventually.

79

00:03:54,701-->

00:03:57,602

ly

inCentralPark.

80

00:03:58,371-->

00:04:00,965

Simpleceremony.

We'llwriteourownvows.

81

00:04:01,074-->

00:04:02,063

Band,noDJ.

82

00:04:02,175-->

00:04:05,235

Peoplewilldance,

I'mnotgonnaworryabout

it.

83

00:04:05,445-->

00:04:08,437

Damnit,whydidMarshall

havetogetengaged?

84

00:04:08,581-->

00:04:12,017

Yeah,nothinghotterthan

aguyplanning

outhisownimaginary

wedding,huh?

85

00:04:12,118-->

00:04:15,713

-Actually,Ithinkit's

cute.

-Well,you'reclearly

drunk.

86

00:04:15,888-->

00:04:17,788

Onemoreforthelady!

87

00:04:18,858-->

00:04:20,826

Oh,hey,lookwhatIgot.

88

00:04:24,163-->

00:04:27,155

Oh,honey,champagne.

89

00:04:28,735-->

00:04:29,827

Yeah.

90

00:04:31,170-->

00:04:34,936

No,youaretoooldtobe

scared

toopenabottleof

champagne.

91

00:04:35,041-->

00:04:36,008

I'mnotscared.

92

00:04:36,109-->

00:04:38,009

-Thenopenit.

-Fine.

93

00:04:39,679-->

00:04:41,078

Plea,openit.

94

00:04:41,180-->

00:04:43,045

Gosh,youare

unbelievable,Marshall.

95

00:04:43,149-->

00:04:45,743

Therearetwobig

questions

amanhastoaskinIife,

96

00:04:45,852-->

00:04:48,548

Oneyouplanoutfor

months,

theotherjustslipsout

97

00:04:48,655-->

00:04:50,350

whenyou'rehalf-drunkat

somebar,

98

00:04:50,456-->

00:04:51,514

Willyoumarryme?

99

00:04:51,958-->

00:04:53,926

Youwannagoout

sometime?

100

00:04:54,027-->

00:04:55,790

Ofcour,youidiot!

101

00:04:57,230-->

00:04:59,790

I'msorry,Carl'smy

boyfriend.

102

00:05:02,068-->

00:05:03,592

What'sup,Carl?

103

00:05:07,607-->

00:05:10,075

IpromidTedwe

wouldn'tdothat.

104

00:05:11,010-->

00:05:13,843

Didyouknowthere'sa

Pop-Tart

underyourfridge?

105

00:05:13,946-->

00:05:15,504

No,butdibs.

106

00:05:16,316-->

00:05:18,147

Where'sthatchampagne?

107

00:05:18,718-->

00:05:21,653

Iwannadrinkatoastwith

myfiancee.

108

00:05:25,024-->

00:05:27,618

Idon'tknowwhyIwasso

scaredofthis.

109

00:05:27,727-->

00:05:29,126

It'sprettyeasy,right?

110

00:05:29,329-->

00:05:30,591

(LlLYSCREAMlNG)

111

00:05:31,931-->

00:05:34,229

WhyamIfreakingoutall

ofasudden?

Thisiscrazy.

112

00:05:34,334-->

00:05:35,858

I'mnotreadytottle

down.

113

00:05:35,968-->

00:05:38,163

HowdoesCarllanda

Lebanegirl?

114

00:05:38,838-->

00:05:39,896

Theplan'salwaysbeen

115

00:05:40,006-->

00:05:41,564

don'teventhinkaboutit

untilyou're30.

116

00:05:41,674-->

00:05:43,767

doesn't

evenownasuit.

117

00:05:44,510-->

00:05:46,410

Plus,Marshall'sfound

theloveofhislife.

118

00:05:46,512-->

00:05:48,742

EvenifIwasready,which

I'mnot,

119

00:05:48,848-->

00:05:53,581

butifIwas,it'slike,

"Okay,I'

isshe?"

120

00:05:57,523-->

00:05:59,150

Andthereshewas,

121

00:06:05,164-->

00:06:07,189

ItwasIikesomething

fromanoldmovie

122

00:06:07,300-->

00:06:10,428

wherethesailoresthe

girl

acrossthecrowdeddance

floor,

123

00:06:10,536-->

00:06:12,299

turnstohisbuddyand

says,

124

00:06:12,405-->

00:06:15,238

"Seethatgirl?

I'mgonnamarryher

someday,"

125

00:06:15,908-->

00:06:18,376

Hey,Barney,ethat

girl?

126

00:06:18,478-->

00:06:21,174

Oh,tknow

shelikesitdirty.

127

00:06:22,115-->

00:06:24,845

-Gosayhi.

-Ican'tjustgosayhi.

128

00:06:25,151-->

00:06:26,345

Ineedaplan.

129

00:06:26,452-->

00:06:27,976

I'mgonnawait

untilshegoestothe

bathroom,

130

00:06:28,087-->

00:06:30,555

thenI'llstrategically

placemylf

bythejukeboxsothat...

131

00:06:30,656-->

00:06:32,419

Hi,haveyoumetTed?

132

00:06:34,460-->

00:06:35,449

Hi.

133

00:06:36,028-->

00:06:38,519

.

134

00:06:41,300-->

00:06:42,426

I'msorry,Lily.

135

00:06:42,535-->

00:06:44,833

I'to

thehospital.

136

00:06:44,937-->

00:06:47,269

Whoa,whoa,

hither?

137

00:06:49,308-->

00:06:50,798

Hitme?Plea.

138

00:06:50,910-->

00:06:53,743

Thisguycanbarelyeven

spankme

inbedforfun.

139

00:06:53,846-->

00:06:56,508

He'sall,like,"Oh,

honey,didthathurt?"

140

00:06:56,616-->

00:06:59,483

AndI'm,like,

"Comeon,letmehaveyou,

youpansy."

141

00:07:00,286-->

00:07:03,744

-Wow,acomplete

stranger.

-No,no,no,it'

on.

142

00:07:04,590-->

00:07:06,057

So,thespankings,

143

00:07:06,159-->

00:07:09,185

areyouinpajamasorau

natural?

144

00:07:10,696-->

00:07:13,256

-Sowhatdoyoudo?

-I'mareporterforMetro

News1.

145

00:07:13,366-->

00:07:15,834

-Oh.

-Well,kindofa

reporter.

146

00:07:15,935-->

00:07:18,403

Idothodumblittle

fluffpieces

attheendofthenews.

147

00:07:18,504-->

00:07:22,736

Youknow,like,

"Monkeywhocanplaythe

ukulele."

148

00:07:22,842-->

00:07:24,901

ButI'mhopingtogetsome

biggerstoriessoon.

149

00:07:25,011-->

00:07:28,105

Bigger,like,

"Gorillawithanupright

bass?"

150

00:07:28,214-->

00:07:29,704

'rereally

pretty.

151

00:07:34,020-->

00:07:35,851

-Oh,yourfriendsdon't

emtoohappy.

-Yeah.

152

00:07:35,955-->

00:07:37,980

See,theoneinthemiddle

justgotdumpedbyher

boyfriend.

153

00:07:38,090-->

00:07:40,650

Sotonight,everyguyis

"theenemy."

154

00:07:40,760-->

00:07:42,057

Youknow,

ifit'llmakeyourfriend

feelbetter

155

00:07:42,161-->

00:07:44,652

youcouldthrowadrinkin

myface.

Idon'tmind.

156

00:07:44,864-->

00:07:48,766

Shewouldlovethat.

Anditdoeslookfunin

themovies.

157

00:07:49,402-->

00:07:51,267

Hey,youwannahave

dinnerwithme

Saturdaynight?

158

00:07:51,370-->

00:07:54,339

Oh,Ican't.

I'mgoingtoOrlandofor

aweekonFriday.

159

00:07:54,440-->

00:07:57,068

Someguy'sattempting

tomaketheworld's

biggestpancake.

160

00:07:57,176-->

00:07:59,440

-Guesswho'scoveringit?

-That'sgonnatakea

week?

161

00:07:59,545-->

00:08:01,877

Yeah,he'sgonnaeatit,

too.

It'sanotherrecord.

162

00:08:01,981-->

00:08:04,142

Hey,what'stakingso

long?

163

00:08:05,017-->

00:08:08,544

Iknowthisisalong

shot,

buthowabouttomorrow

night?

164

00:08:09,388-->

00:08:11,379

ehell.

165

00:08:17,330-->

00:08:18,627

Jerk!

166

00:08:19,532-->

00:08:20,999

Thatwasfun.

167

00:08:22,034-->

00:08:24,901

De...Waitforit...nied.

168

00:08:25,037-->

00:08:26,197

Denied.

169

00:08:26,873-->

00:08:27,965

We'regoingouttomorrow

night.

170

00:08:28,074-->

00:08:30,565

Ithoughtwewereplaying

LazerTagtomorrownight.

171

00:08:30,676-->

00:08:33,543

Yeah,Iwasnevergonnago

play

LazerTag.

172

00:08:36,215-->

00:08:39,582

Thenextnight,Itookher

out

tothisIittlebistroin

Brooklyn,

173

00:08:39,986-->

00:08:41,044

Wow.

174

00:08:41,153-->

00:08:44,611

-Thatisonebad-assblue

Frenchhorn.

-Yeah.

175

00:08:44,724-->

00:08:47,955

SortoflookslikeaSmurf

penis.

176

00:08:48,060-->

00:08:49,823

Son,apieceofadvice,

177

00:08:49,929-->

00:08:53,831

Whenyougoonafirst

date,

youreallydon'twantto

saySmurfpenis,

178

00:08:53,933-->

00:08:56,299

Girlsdon'tordinarily

Iikethat,

179

00:08:57,603-->

00:09:00,071

Butthiswasnoordinary

girl,

180

00:09:04,610-->

00:09:05,907

Lily.

181

00:09:06,879-->

00:09:09,006

Howlonghaveyoubeen

sittingthere?

182

00:09:09,115-->

00:09:11,208

Stupideyepatch.

183

00:09:13,653-->

00:09:17,885

Mom,Dad,

Ihavefoundthefuture

by.

184

00:09:17,990-->

00:09:20,185

Marshall,howhaveI

alwaysdescribed

myperfectwoman?

185

00:09:20,293-->

00:09:21,920

Let'se.

186

00:09:22,028-->

00:09:23,017

Shelikesdogs?

187

00:09:23,129-->

00:09:24,494

I'vegotfivedogs.

00:09:24,597-->

00:09:25,621

ShedrinksScotch?

189

00:09:25,731-->

00:09:28,666

IloveaScotch

that'soldenoughto

orderitsownScotch.

190

00:09:28,768-->

00:09:30,599

Canquoteobscurelines

from

Ghostbusters?

191

00:09:30,703-->

00:09:34,696

"Ray,whensomeoneasks

you

ifyou'reaGod,yousay,

'Yes!'"

192

00:09:35,808-->

00:09:37,969

AndI'msavingthebest

forlast.

193

00:09:38,277-->

00:09:40,404

Doyouwantthe?Ihate

olives.

194

00:09:40,613-->

00:09:44,344

-Shehatesolives.

Awesome!

-TheOliveTheory.

195

00:09:44,650-->

00:09:47,448

TheOliveTheory

isbadonmyfriends,

MarshallandLily.

196

00:09:47,553-->

00:09:49,544

Hehatesolives,she

lovesthem.

Andinaweirdway,

197

00:09:49,655-->

00:09:51,350

that'swhatmakesthem

suchagreatcouple.

198

00:09:51,457-->

00:09:52,788

Perfectbalance.

199

00:09:53,626-->

00:09:57,892

Youknow,I'vehadajar

ofolives

justsittinginmyfridge

forever.

200

00:09:59,432-->

00:10:01,798

Icouldtakethemoffyour

hands.

201

00:10:02,401-->

00:10:04,028

They'reallyours.

202

00:10:04,337-->

00:10:06,032

Oh,itison!

203

00:10:06,138-->

00:10:08,606

Itisontillthebreakof

dawn.

204

00:10:10,676-->

00:10:13,975

But,wait,it'sonlythe

breakof10:30.

Whathappened?

205

00:10:15,114-->

00:10:18,049

Igottagetoneoftho

blueFrenchhorns

forovermyfireplace.

206

00:10:18,150-->

00:10:19,879

It'sgottabeblue,it's

gottabeFrench.

207

00:10:19,986-->

00:10:21,317

-Nogreenclarinet?

-Nope.

208

00:10:21,420-->

00:10:22,819

Comeon,nopurpletuba?

209

00:10:22,922-->

00:10:25,447

It'saSmurfpenisorno

dice.

210

00:10:26,459-->

00:10:27,448

Thereyouare!

211

00:10:27,560-->

00:10:30,586

Wegotajumper.

Somecrazyguyonthe

ManhattanBridge.

212

00:10:30,696-->

00:10:32,789

Comeon,you'recovering

it.

213

00:10:33,799-->

00:10:35,289

Allright,I'llberight

there.

214

00:10:36,402-->

00:10:37,767

I'msorry.

215

00:10:38,404-->

00:10:40,804

Ihadareallygreattime

tonight.

216

00:10:41,641-->

00:10:42,608

Yeah,well.

217

00:10:42,842-->

00:10:44,605

So,didyoukissher?

218

00:10:45,144-->

00:10:47,135

No,themomentwasn't

right.

219

00:10:47,246-->

00:10:49,271

Look,thiswoman

couldactuallybemy

futurewife.

220

00:10:49,382-->

00:10:51,145

Iwantourfirstkissto

beamazing.

221

00:10:51,250-->

00:10:53,844

Oh,Ted,thatissosweet.

222

00:10:53,953-->

00:10:56,751

So,youchickenedout

likealittlebitch.

223

00:10:58,024-->

00:11:00,049

What?Ididnotchicken

out.

224

00:11:00,159-->

00:11:02,252

Youknowwhat?

Idon'tneedtotakefirst

kissadvice

25

00:11:02,361-->

00:11:05,797

fromsomepiratewho

hasn'tbeensingle

sincethefirstweekof

college.

226

00:11:05,898-->

00:11:08,389

Ted,anyonewho'ssingle

wouldtellyouthesame

thing.

227

00:11:08,501-->

00:11:10,969

Eventhedumbestsingle

personalive.

228

00:11:11,170-->

00:11:13,229

Andifyoudon'tbelieve

me,callhim.

229

00:11:15,508-->

00:11:20,002

Hey,lor,how'snot

playingLazerTag?

BecauplayingLazerTag

isawesome.

230

00:11:20,413-->

00:11:22,608

Oh,Ikilledyou,Connor.

Don'tmakemegetyour

mom.

231

00:11:22,715-->

00:11:24,706

Hey,listen,

Ineedyouropinionon

something.

232

00:11:24,817-->

00:11:27,513

Okay,meetmeatthebar

in15minutes.

Andsuitup!

233

00:11:28,921-->

00:11:31,788

So,theguysthinkI

chickenedout.

Whatdoyouthink?

234

00:11:32,358-->

00:11:36,124

Ican'tbelieve

you'restillnotwearing

asuit.

235

00:11:37,229-->

00:11:38,560

Shedidn'tevengiveme

thesignal.

236

00:11:38,664-->

00:11:41,758

What,isshegonna

bathereyesatyouin

Morcode?

237

00:11:41,867-->

00:11:42,925

"Ted,

238

00:11:44,136-->

00:11:45,194

"kissme."

239

00:11:45,304-->

00:11:48,899

-No,youjustkissher.

-Notifyoudon'tgetthe

signal.

240

00:11:52,178-->

00:11:54,578

-DidMarshallgivemethe

signal?

-No!

241

00:11:54,680-->

00:11:56,443

Ididn't,Iswear.

242

00:11:58,217-->

00:12:00,845

But,e,atleast

tonight,

Igettosleepknowing

Marshallandme,

243

00:12:00,953-->

00:12:03,683

nevergonnahappen.

Youshould'vekisdher.

244

00:12:03,789-->

00:12:05,313

Ishould'vekisdher.

245

00:12:05,424-->

00:12:07,392

Well,maybeinaweek

whenshegetsbackfrom

Orlando.

246

00:12:07,493-->

00:12:09,859

Aweek?That'slikeayear

inhot-girltime.

247

00:12:09,962-->

00:12:10,986

She'llforgetallabout

you.

248

00:12:11,097-->

00:12:14,396

Markmywords,

youwillneverethat

oneagain.

249

00:12:15,034-->

00:12:16,331

Theresheis.

250

00:12:16,869-->

00:12:19,360

She',Carl,

turnitup.

251

00:12:19,772-->

00:12:21,364

,,,persuadedhimto

reconsider,

252

00:12:21,474-->

00:12:23,772

Atwhichpoint

themancamedownoffthe

Iedge,

253

00:12:23,876-->

00:12:26,504

givingthisbizarrestory

ahappyending,

254

00:12:26,946-->

00:12:28,106

ReportingfromMetro1

News,

255

00:12:28,214-->

00:12:30,205

-backtoyou,Bill,

-Theguydidn'tjump.

25

00:12:30,816-->

00:12:32,545

I'mgonnagokissher.

257

00:12:32,651-->

00:12:34,812

-Rightnow.

-Look,dude,it's

midnight.

258

00:12:34,920-->

00:12:38,856

Asyourfuturelawyer,

I'mgonnaadviyou

that'sfreakingcrazy.

259

00:12:38,958-->

00:12:40,255

Ineverdoanything

crazy.

260

00:12:40,359-->

00:12:42,987

I'malwayswaitingfor

themoment,

planningthemoment.

261

00:12:43,095-->

00:12:45,154

Well,she'sleaving

tomorrow

andthismaybetheonly

moment

262

00:12:45,264-->

00:12:46,458

I'mgonnaget.

263

00:12:46,565-->

00:12:50,092

Igottadowhatthatguy

couldn't.

Igottataketheleap.

264

00:12:50,703-->

00:12:51,897

Okay,notaperfect

metaphor

265

00:12:52,004-->

00:12:53,528

'cauforme

it'sfallinloveandget

married

266

00:12:53,639-->

00:12:55,539

andforhimit'sdeath.

267

00:12:56,542-->

00:12:58,567

Actually,thatisa

perfectmetaphor.

268

00:12:59,545-->

00:13:02,241

Bytheway,didI

congratulateyoutwo?

269

00:13:03,015-->

00:13:05,415

-I'mdoingthis.

-Let'sgo.

270

00:13:05,551-->

00:13:07,985

-Wordup.

-We'recomingwithyou.

271

00:13:08,454-->

00:13:09,614

Barney?

272

00:13:10,823-->

00:13:13,291

Allright,butunderone

condition.

273

00:13:14,593-->

00:13:17,187

Lookatyou,you

beautifulbastard,

yousuitedup.

274

00:13:17,296-->

00:13:19,662

Thisistotallygoingin

myblog.

275

00:13:20,599-->

00:13:23,159

er

righthere.

276

00:13:24,203-->

00:13:26,000

Igottadosomething.

277

00:13:26,438-->

00:13:28,838

me,

justac.

278

00:13:29,008-->

00:13:30,441

-Enjoyyourcoffee.

-Hey!

279

00:13:31,043-->

00:13:32,010

Hey!

280

00:13:32,378-->

00:13:34,005

Go,go,go!

281

00:13:36,916-->

00:13:38,884

Everybodybrings

flowers.

282

00:13:45,691-->

00:13:47,625

O

283

00:13:48,861-->

00:13:52,592

-Wishmeluck.

-Ted'sgonnagetiton

withaTVreporter.

284

00:13:53,199-->

00:13:55,292

"Thisjustin."Okay.

285

00:13:58,871-->

00:14:02,034

-Kissher,r

good.

-Kissthecrapoutofthat

girl.

286

00:14:02,141-->

00:14:04,234

Marshall,rememberthis

night.

287

00:14:04,343-->

00:14:06,903

Whenyou'rethebestman

atourwedding

andyougiveaspeech,

288

00:14:07,012-->

00:14:08,604

you'regonnatellthis

story.

289

00:14:10,382-->

00:14:12,407

Whydoeshegettobethe

bestman?

290

00:14:12,518-->

00:14:14,486

I'myourbestfriend!

291

00:14:15,221-->

00:14:18,987

AsIwalkeduptothat

door,

amillionthoughtsraced

throughmymind,

292

00:14:19,091-->

00:14:21,491

Unfortunately,

oneparticularthought

didnot,

293

00:14:21,594-->

00:14:23,061

I'vegotfivedogs.

294

00:14:23,596-->

00:14:25,120

(DOGSBARKlNG)

295

00:14:25,364-->

00:14:27,127

Notgood,notgood,

296

00:14:27,233-->

00:14:28,393

-No!

297

00:14:28,500-->

00:14:30,127

You'rewearingasuit!

298

00:14:34,139-->

00:14:35,163

ROBlN:Ted?

299

00:14:36,208-->

00:14:37,197

Hi.

300

00:14:39,778-->

00:14:41,302

Iwasjust...

301

00:14:45,551-->

00:14:46,882

Comeonup.

302

00:14:49,054-->

00:14:50,248

MARSHA

303

00:14:51,557-->

00:14:55,789

So,Ranjit,youmusthave

doneit

withaLebanegirl?

304

00:14:55,895-->

00:14:58,159

Okay,that'smyBarney

limit.

305

00:14:58,264-->

00:15:00,459

I'mgonnae

ifthatbodegahasa

bathroom.

306

00:15:01,367-->

00:15:04,302

Actually,I'mfrom

Bangladesh.

307

00:15:04,403-->

00:15:07,930

-Thewomenhotthere?

-Here'sapictureofmy

wife.

308

00:15:10,109-->

00:15:12,043

(WHlSPERlNG)Asimple

"no"

wouldhavesufficed.

309

00:15:13,812-->

00:15:15,245

She'slovely.

310

00:15:16,482-->

00:15:21,146

So,Ted,whatbringsyou

backtoBrooklyn

at1:00inthemorningin

asuit?

311

00:15:22,755-->

00:15:24,518

Iwasjusthopingto

312

00:15:25,357-->

00:15:26,756

getthoolives

313

00:15:27,126-->

00:15:29,185

thatyousaidIcould

have.

314

00:15:29,295-->

00:15:32,355

Wouldyouliketho

olives

withsomeginand

vermouth?

315

00:15:32,464-->

00:15:34,728

Areyoutryingtogetme

drunk?

316

00:15:38,837-->

00:15:40,634

Forstarters.

317

00:15:41,106-->

00:15:42,630

(MUSICPLAYING)

318

00:15:44,276-->

00:15:45,903

Thankyou.

319

00:15:47,680-->

00:15:51,116

So,Marshall,

thisOliveTheorybad

onyouandLily.

320

00:15:51,216-->

00:15:52,911

-Yeah.

321

00:15:53,018-->

00:15:56,215

-Lilylovesthem,you

can'tstandthem.

-Yeah,Ihateolives.

322

00:15:56,322-->

00:15:58,517

Twoweeksago,

Spanishbaron79th

Street.

323

00:15:58,624-->

00:16:01,024

?

324

00:16:04,697-->

00:16:07,530

Youhavetoswear

thatthisdoesnotleave

thiscab.

325

00:16:07,733-->

00:16:09,758

-Iswear.

-Iswear.

326

00:16:12,037-->

00:16:14,505

Onourfirstdate,I

orderedaGreeksalad.

327

00:16:14,606-->

00:16:16,699

Lilyaskedifshecould

havemyolives.

328

00:16:16,809-->

00:16:19,209

Isaid,"Sure,Ihate

olives."

329

00:16:19,311-->

00:16:20,972

Butyoulikeolives.

330

00:16:21,080-->

00:16:23,640

Well,Iwas18,okay?I

wasavirgin

331

00:16:23,749-->

00:16:26,718

Beenwaitingmywhole

life

foraprettygirltowant

myolives.

332

00:16:27,987-->

00:16:31,013

Marshall,I'mgonnagive

you

anearlyweddingprent.

333

00:16:31,123-->

00:16:32,750

Don'tgetmarried.

334

00:16:41,400-->

00:16:43,766

IthinkIlikeyourOlive

Theory.

335

00:16:44,436-->

00:16:46,927

IthinkIlikeyournew

Frenchhorn.

336

00:16:47,439-->

00:16:49,407

IthinkIlikeyourno.

337

00:16:50,843-->

00:16:52,470

IthinkI'minlovewith

you.

338

00:16:52,578-->

00:16:53,567

What?

339

00:16:53,679-->

00:16:54,646

What?

340

00:16:54,747-->

00:16:55,714

What?

341

00:16:55,948-->

00:16:58,007

Comeon,man,yousaid

yourstomach's

beenhurting,right?

342

00:16:58,117-->

00:17:01,883

Youknowwhatthatis?

Hunger.

You'rehungryfor

experience.

343

00:17:01,987-->

00:17:05,889

Hungryforsomethingnew.

Hungryforolives.

344

00:17:06,325-->

00:17:08,816

Butyou'retooscared

todoanythingaboutit.

345

00:17:08,927-->

00:17:10,952

Yeah,I'mscared,okay?

346

00:17:12,464-->

00:17:15,865

ButwhenIthinkof

spending

therestofmylifewith

Lily,

347

00:17:15,968-->

00:17:18,493

committingforever,no

otherwomen,

348

00:17:19,605-->

00:17:21,539

doesn'tscaremeatall.

349

00:17:22,207-->

00:17:24,072

I'mmarryingthatgirl.

350

00:17:25,677-->

00:17:26,769

Lily.

351

00:17:27,613-->

00:17:29,376

Lily,Ilikeolives

352

00:17:30,382-->

00:17:32,077

We'llmakeitwork.

353

00:17:34,319-->

00:17:35,718

(SlGHlNG)

354

00:17:44,129-->

00:17:46,927

So,Orlando?Yougonna

hitDisneyWorld?

355

00:17:48,367-->

00:17:50,460

-Youloveme?

-Oh,God.

356

00:17:51,170-->

00:17:53,638

Ican'tbelieveIsaid

that.

WhydidIsaythat?

357

00:17:53,739-->

00:17:55,229

Whosaysthat?

358

00:17:55,774-->

00:17:57,867