老爸老妈

Pilot[1.01]Edit

[Firstsceneoftheries,in2030]

FutureTed:Kids,I'mgoingtotellyouanincrediblestory,thestoryofhow

Imetyourmother.

Ted'sSon:Arewebeingpunishedorsomething?

FutureTed:No.

Ted'sDaughter:Dad,isthisgonnatakeawhile?

FutureTed:-fiveyearsago,beforeIwas

Dad,Ihadthiswholeotherlife…

[TedjustsawRobin]

FutureTed:Itwaslikesomethingfromanoldmovie,wherethesailoresthe

girlacrossthecrowdeddancefloor,turnstohisbuddyandsays,"Seethat

girl?I'mgonnamarryhersomeday."Ted:HeyBarney,ethatgirl?

Barney:Ohyeeeahh,'Hi'.

PurpleGiraffe[1.02]Edit

Lily:Hey.I'

...on'twanna

,that'sright,I'mnotwearing

any.

Marshall:[stopsworkingandlooksatLily]Nounderwear?

Lily:Notevenslightly.

Ted:Guys...[camerapanstorevealheisintheroom

withthem]BOUNDARIES!

[RobindiscoverswhyTedthrewthreestraightpartiesinasmanynights]

Ted:Robin,lookIdidn'tinviteyoutothispartytot

nebeforethat.[Robinsmiles]I

threwthepartiesbecauIwantedtoeyou.

Robin:Well,hereIam.

Ted:There'ssomethinghere,look,unlessI'mcrazy.

Robin:You'renotcrazy.I—Idon'tknow,Ted,Imeanwebarelyknoweachother

andyou'relookingatme

withthatlookandit'slike——

Ted:Likewhat?

Robin:Like-let'sfallinlove,andgetmarriedandhavekidsanddrivethemto

soccerpractice.

Ted:I'mnotgonnaforcesportsonthemunlessthey'i

interested.

Robin:[laughs]It''relookingat

thewronggirl.

Ted:No,I'mnot.

Robin:Yes,'twannagetmarriedright

now,maybeeverandifwegottogetherI'dfeellikeI

eitherhavetomarryyouorbreakyourheartand-Ijustcouldn'tdoeitherof

keyoucan'tturnoffthewayyoufeel.

Ted:[reachesinjacket]'smakeout.

Robin:[laughs]What?

Ted:What?Thatwastheoffswitch!AndIturneditoff.

Imeansureyes,Iwannafallinlovegetmarriedblah,blah,blah,but—ontheother

hand-you,me,:There'snooffswitch.

Ted:Thereisanoffswitch…andit'soff.

Robin:[smiling]no,it'snot.

Ted:[silence]yes,itis.[drawsclortoTed]

Robin:No…itnots一

right,there'shtherewasanoffswitch!

SweetTasteofLiberty[1.03]Edit

Ted:Thetruthis:Myfriend,hedoesthisthingwherehegoestoairports

withfakeluggagetopickupgirlsandwefollowedsomeheretoPhiladelphia.

That'sit,that'sallthisis!

AirportSecurityGuard:Nobody'sthatlame.

Ted:Yes,he'sthatlame.[toBarney]Tellhimyou'rethatlame.

Barney:...weareinternationalbusinessmen!

Barney:[ataparty]Doyouevergobehindtheropeandtouchit?

EmployeeatLibertyBellSite:Onlyallthetime.

Barney:Doyoueverlike,stickyourheadinsideit?

Employee:Yeah.

Barney:Haveyoueverlickedit?

Employee:Nope...Ihaveneverlickedit.

Ted:Yes—itis[longkisswithRobin]

Barney:

someoneweretopullthatoff,Idaresayitwouldbe-what'stheword?

Ted:I'mleaving.

Barney:Legendary!

ReturnoftheShirt[1.04]Edit

Barney:Booger.

Ted:Yes,helloBarney.

Robin:Barney'sofferingme50buckstosaysomestupidwordonalive

newsreport.

Barney:.

Robin:urnalist.

Barney:What?Journalist?Youdothelittlefluffpiecesattheendof

ple,babies,''s

justthingsinadiaper.

Robin:Foryourinformation,mybossisabouttobumpmeupto...the

CityHallbeat.

Lily:CityHall!MissThang!

Robin:So,I'mnotgoingtojeopardizemypromotionbysaying"booger"

for50bucks.

Barney:enowyou'resaying"nipple",andit'sa

hundred.[motionswithfinger]Stepintomyweb.

[TedjusttoldNataliethathewantstobreakupwithher...again]

Natalie:[afterthrowingahandfulofspaghettiathim]I'mNOTTHEONE

FORYOU!?

Ted:I-I'htthatwasthematurethingto

do,I...

Natalie:It'smybirthday!

Ted:Yes,Iknowit'sjust...

Natalie:It'smybirthday,andyou'retellingmeI'mnottheonefor

you?

Ted:It''snotlikeyoulostthelottery--

Natalie:Oh,sodatingyou'slikewinningthelottery?[Tedstammers]So

what'stheproblem?Ted:Ican'texplain.

Natalie:Try!

Ted:Well,it'sjustineffable.

Natalie:Oh,soI'mnot'F-able'?

Ted:No,no,no,ineffablemeansitcan'tbeexplained.

Natalie:SoI'mstupid?

Ted:What'sgoingon?

Natalie:What'sgoingonis,youbrokemyheartovermyanswering

threeyearsformetogetoveryou,

trackedmedown,beggedmetogooutwithyouagain,onlysoyoucould

dumpmethreeyearslater,againonmybirthday!

Ted:Nono,it'snotlikethat…it'sjust…it'sjust-

Natalie:WHAT!?

Ted:I'mjustlikesuperbusyrightnow.

FutureTed:RememberwhenNataliesaid...

Natalie:[inflashback,atthebar]IgotaKravMagaclassinabout

halfanhour.

FutureTed:'sa

formofguerrillastreetfightingdevelopedbytheIsraeliArmy.

[NatalieproceedstobeatupTed]

OkayAwesome[1.05]Edit

Barney:Ted,getyourcoat,we'releaving.

Ted:Whathappenedtothat,uh,cutletyouweregrindingwith?

Barney:ThatwasmycousinLeslie!

Ted:What!?[beginstolaugh]

Barney:No,no,otlaughingaboutthis,notgonna

besomefunnystorythatwe'regonnabetellinginacoupleofmonths.

It'snotgonnabelike"Rememberthattimewhenyouweregrindingwith-"

ouknowwhy?Becau,italics,[Barneyholdshishandsupand

slantsthemtoanangle]thisnightdidnothappen.

Lily:Hey.

Robin:Hey.

Lily:ougetmein

there?Ikindaneedtokillhim.

Robin:ActuallyIcan'

recognizedonetimeandIstartthinkingI'mJuliaRoberts.I'mnoVIP,

I'mnotevenanIP;I'mjustalonelylittlePsittingouthereinthe

gutter.

Lily:Youknowsomething,I'dtakeaPinthegutteroverJuliaRoberts

anyday.

SluttyPumpkin[1.06]Edit

Lily:Nobodyrememberswhatthehellahangingchadis.

Marshall:Whatasadcommentaryonournationalattentionspan,thatwe

couldforgetsuchaturbulenttimeinourpoliticalhistory.

Lily:[Asparrot]Sadcommentary!Rrrawk!Allright,Pollygottapee!

Marshall:Again?

[MarshallfollowsLilytothebathroom]Ted:Whereareyougoing?

Marshall:It's...anelaboratecostume.

Robin:HowdoyoudothisTed?Howdoyousitouthereallnight,inthe

cold,andstillhavefaiththatyourpumpkin'sgoingtoshowup?

Ted:Well,I'nowtheoddsare,theloveofmy

lifeisn'tgoingtomagicallywalkthroughthatdoorinapumpkincostume

at2:ustemsasniceaspotasanytojust,

youknow,sitandwait.

Matchmaker[1.07]Edit

Lily:Justplaycool,don'tTed-outaboutit.

Ted:Didyoujustumynameasaverb?

Barney:Oh,yeah,wedothatbehindyourback.

"Ted-out":e"Ted-up"."Ted-up":tooverthinkwith

ntence:

"BillyTedded-upwhenhetried-"

Ted:Okay...Igetit!

Robin:Sowhatwasit,acockroachoramou?

Lily:Itwasacockamou!

Robin:What?

Lily:It'ssomesortofmutantcombinationofthetwo.

It'sasifacockroachandamou,youknow...

Barney:Didthehorizontal,ten-legged,interspeciescha-cha?

TheDuel[1.08]Edit

[Flashback]

Marshall:SowhenLilyandIgetmarried...who'sgonnagetthe

apartment?

Ted:Wow...that'satoughone.Y'knowwhoIthink

couldhandleaproblemlikethat?

Marshall:Who?

Ted:FutureTed&FutureMarshall.

Marshall:'sletthoguyshandleit.

[PrentDay]

Ted:Dammit,PastTed!

[LilyconfrontsTedandMarshallatthehospitalovertheirswordfight]

Lily:OnMondayI'mgonnahavetotellmykindergartenclass,whoIteach

nottorunwithscissors,thatmyfianceranmethroughwithafreakin'

broadsword!

Marshall:Well,justtobefair,itdidn'tgoallthewaythrough.

Lily:I'msorry,isthisadiscussionaboutthedegreetowhichyoustabbed

me?

BellyFullofTurkey[1.09]Edit

Robin:I'mCanadian,remember?WecelebrateThanksgivinginOctober.

Ted:sareweirdandyoupronouncetheword

'out','oot'.

Robin:Youguysaretheworld'sleaderinhandgunviolence;yourhealth

caresystemisbankruptandyourcountryisdeeplydividedonalmost

everyimportantissue.

Ted:[beat]...yourcopsarecalled'mounties'.

Ted:Barney.

Barney:Yeah,what'sup?

Ted:Youhaveatimesheet?Nooneeldoes.

Barney:Yeah,so?[Tedstealspaper]Hey!That'smyprivatepersonal

business!

Ted:"CourtMandatedCommunityService"??

Robin:OhmyGod,you'reonprobation?Whatdidyoudo?

Barney:That'smyprivatepersonalbusiness!

[flashbacktoBarneyrunningawayafterpeeingona

wall.]

Barney:Iwasunfairlypunishedbecauthewallbelongedtothejudge's

church!

Ted:Youpeedonachurch?

Barney:IpeedinanalleywhichhappenedtohaveachurchwhichIdid

notebecauIwasdrunk!

Ted:Youareevil!

Robin:Allisrightwiththeworldagain.

ThePineappleIncident[1.10]Edit

Marshall:Youokay?

Ted:?

Marshall:Ah...Idon'yourdreams...datinga

billionaire.

Ted:Okay,firstofall,ond,she'snotthe

girlofmydreams,we',itwouldnotbesmartifwe

gottogether.I..Imean,I'mlookingtottledown,she'slookingfor

a....[Barneystartssnoring]

Barney:Wha...?Youdone?t

littlehottieontheend?She'sshort,

it!She'slikehalfboob.[whisperstoTed]Let'sgo.

Ted:Yeah,andsaywhat?What'sourbigopeningline?

Barney:Itwas,uh...'Daddy'shome.'

Ted:Daddy'shome?

Barney:Yeah!

Ted:Okay,you...youwantustogooverthere,rightnow,andsayto

thogirls,'Daddy'shome.'Reallythinkaboutthat,Barney.

Barney:Hmm...yeah,Ithinkit'sprettysolid.

Ted:Whydotheycallitkaraokeanyhow?Wasitinventedbyawoman

namedKareyOkee?ThearethekindofthingsIthinkabout.

TheLimo[1.11]Edit

Marshall:Lookatus,ridingaroundinalimo,eatinghotdogs...It's

likewe'rethepresident.

Ted:You'renot...Moby,areyou?

NotMoby/Erik:Who?

Robin:Therecordingartist,Moby.

NotMoby/Erik:Oh,no.

Barney:Thenwhy,whenwesaid"Hey,Moby"didyoucomeoverhere?

NotMoby/Erick:Oh,IthoughtyousaidTony.

Ted:Soyourname'sTony?

NotMoby/Erick:No.

TheWedding[1.12]Edit

[MarshallandLilyargueabouttheirplansforanidealwedding]

Marshall:Ok,I'mjustsayingthatit'smyweddingtooandIshouldhave

asayinit.

Lily:ButI',Iwin.

Marshall:ButIthoughtmarriageisabouttwoequalpartners,sharinga

lifetogether.

Lily:Right,butI',Iwin.

[LilytakesBarneyasideatMacLaren'saftersheeshimtryingto

duceClaudia,whojustcalledofftheweddingwithStuart]

Lily:ClaudiaisgettingmarriedtomorrowandsohelpmeGodifIcatch

youevensomuchasbreathingthesameairasher,Iwilltaketho

peanutsyou'retryingtopassoffastesticlesandIwillsqueezethem

sohardyoureyespopoutandthenI'llfeedthemtoyoulikegrapes!

Barney:Wait,myeyesormytesticles?

Lily:[thinksaboutit]Oneofeach!

Drumroll,Plea[1.13]Edit

Lily:[toTedashewalksoutofhisbedroom]Hey,wherethehelldid

youdisappeartolastnight?

Ted:Ihadthemost...amazingnightever.

Marshall:Tellmeaboutit!sly,

mystomachwaslike"Heybro,Idon'tknowwhatyou'reeatingcauI

don'thaveanyeyesbutit'sbasicallyawesomesokeepndingitdown

GulletAlley."

Lily:Yeah,Iknow,mystomachwaslike"Girlfriend,wedon'talwaysget

alongbutthatcake..."

Victoria:Whydon'twejust...n

it'sover,:Unless-

Victoria:-mails,nophonenumbers,notevennames.

Tonight,we',when

we'reoldandgray,we'lllookbackonthismoment...andit'llbe

perfect.

Ted:Wow...OkayI'min.

Victoria:[enthusiastically]Okay!

Ted:Iguess,uh,what,we'llneedfakenames?

Victoria:Um...youcancallmeButtercup.[Tedand"Buttercup"shake

hands]

Ted:Pleadtomeetyou,Buttercup.I'm...LandoCalrissian.[Victoria

laughs]Wow,eswillforeverbe

shroudedin-

Barney:[withbridesmaidonhisarm]HeyTed,Ted,Ted,look!Igota

bridesmaid!TedTedlook,Ted!Thecondhottestbridesmaid!Ted,look!

SeeyouTed.

Ted:[toVictoria]SoI'mTed.

Victoria:Victoria.

Zip,Zip,Zip[1.14]Edit

Barney:Ted,theonlyreasontowaitamonthforxisifthegirlis

venteenyears,elevenmonthsold.

Barney:[inthelartagarena]Don'tbeahero,

Scherbatsky!

Robin:Seeyouontheotherside.

Both:[Charging]Yaahhhhh!

[Bothgotshot]

Barney:Damn!...Youwannagetasoftpretzel?

Robin:Yeah.

GameNight[1.15]Edit

Victoria:I'veonlyhadtwoboyfriendsbeforeTed.

Robin:Prudealert!

Victoria:Well,tworiousones.I'vedatedothersin

between.

Robin:Slutalert!

Victoria:Iwilltellyoumymosthumiliatingstory.

Marshall:Yeah,Victoria!Waytostepup.

Victoria:OK,itinvolvesagameof"TruthorDare",asqueezebottleof

marshmallowicecreamtopping,andthehottubatmygrandparents'

retirementcommunity.

FutureTed:Kids,Itellyoualotofinappropriatestories,butthere's

nowayinhellI''tworry,itwasn'tthat

great.

Marshall:[staringgoggle-eyedatVictoria]That...isthegreatest

story...ever!

Lily:OhmyGod!

Cupcake[1.16]Edit

Lily:[Tryingonweddingdress]Oh,thisdressistotallygoingto

getmelaidonmyweddingnight.

Ted:Longdistanceisalieteenagerstelleachothertogetlaidthe

summerbeforecollege.

LifeAmongtheGorillas[1.17]Edit

Bilson:Nicetie!Steaksauce!

Blauman:Ohhhhhhh,steakkksauce!

[Marshalllooksforastainonhistie]

Barney:Marshall,eissteaksauce.A1?

Getit?Trytokeepup.

Bilson:Ok,Erikn,let''s2amandits

rainingoutside,dingdongwhat?TheDoorbell?Oh,hello,JessicaAlbainatrenchcoat

andnothingel,butwait,knockknock,somebodyisatthebackdoor.

Marshall:Idon'thaveabackdoor.

Bilson:Ohmygosh,JessicaSimpson,whatasurpri.

TwoJessicas,yougottapickone,whatdoyoudo?Go!

Marshall:Right,well,I'mengaged.

Blauman:Fianceeisoutoftown,whatdoyoudo?Go!

Marshall:We'restillengaged.

Bilson:Ok,fianceisdead,hitbyabus,whatdoyoudo,GO!

Marshall:Iwanttogiveyouthepackage.

Lily:Thepackage?You''vegotagreat

package,ourpackage.

Marshall:Lily,erveabigpackage.

Lily:

maynotrealizethisMarshallErikn,butyou'vegota

hugepackage!

[Marshallturnsaroundtoeahotgirlnearbyeyeing

himandsmilingfiendishly]

NothingGoodHappensAfter2A.M.[1.18]Edit

Littlegirl:Doyouhaveafianc?e

Lily:Marshallwashereyesterday,theyjustlearned

thewordfianc.e

Robin:Ohno,Idon'thaveafiance.

Littlegirl:Thenwhodoyoulivewith?

Robin:Well,actually,I'vegotfivedogs.

Littlegirl:Don'tyougetlonely?

Robin:No,I'veivjotdogs.

Littlegirl:Mygrandmahasfivecatsandshegetslonely.

Robin:Well,yeah,that'scats,I'mnotsomepatheticcatlady,notthatyour

grandmotherissomepatheticcatlady-doesanybodyelhavequestions?

Littleboy:Areyoualesbian?

Robin:NO,AREYOU?Jeez.[mumbles]Everywoman

thatlivesaloneisnotalesbian.

SandyRivers:[toRobin]Weshouldhavex.

Robin:What?

Rivers:Whynot?We'rebothavailable,we'reboth

attractive,we'tI'mgooda

andevenifyou'renot,don'tworry.I'llhaveagoodtimeeitherway.

Robin:Well,movingpastthehorrifyingimageofyourhairhelmetclangingagainst

theheadboard,Idon'tget

involvedwithpeopleIworkwith.

Rivers:Getinvolved?Whosaidgetinvolved?I'mjust

xisfun![hegivesherhiscardandtheirnews

showstarts]Phonenumber,callmeanytime.[readsteleprompter]Alotofteamsin

actiontonight...

MarytheParalegal[1.19]Edit

Barney:[ToTed]Doyouhavesomepuritanicalhangup

onprostitution?Dude,it'stheworld'soldest

profession.

Marshall:Doyoureallythinkthat'strue?

Barney:Ohyeah,IbetevenCro-Magnonsudtogive

cavehookersanextrafishforputtingout.

Marshall:Ahha,sotheoldestprofessionwouldbe

!You'vebeenlawyered!

Mary:YouknowthatsceneinEmpirewhentheylowerthehelmetontoDarthVader's

head?Doyouthinkthat'showSandygetshishaironinthemorning?

BestPromEver[1.20]Edit

[LilyisfreakingoutbecauaNewJeryhighschoolthathasThe88foraprom

bandwouldn'tletthemin.

ShethinksBarney'sideasofsneakinginmaytheonly

waytoetheband.]

Ted:You'regettingonboardwithBarney',youreallyhavesnapped!

Lily:It'snineweeks'tilthewedding.I'dsay"yes"tojustaboutanything.

Barney:[saunterstoLily]Well...

Lily:No,Barney.

Robin:[SheandLilycomeoutinfancydress]Allright,whatdoyouthink?

Barney:[Looksup]Horrible.

Lily:You'regonnamakesuchagreatdad.

Barney:Youlooksoclassyandnice,you'

youenhowthekidsaredressingthedays,withtheAshleeand

theLindsayandtheParis?Theyalldresslikestrippers.

It's,"Gohoorgohome."

Milk[1.21]Edit

WendytheWaitress:Becareful,theplateisveryhot!

Ted:Ohgoon,touchit.

Lily:[touchestheplate]Ahh!Sweetdamn,that'plate!

[LilyadmitstoTedabouttheartsprogramandhowitcouldderailherandMarshall's

wedding]

Lily:Therearecertainthingsinlifewhereyouknowit'samistakebutyoudon't

reallyknowit'samistakebecautheonlywaytoreallyknowitisamistakeisto

sahot

makethatmistakeandlookbackandsay,"Yup,thatwasamistake".Soreally,the

biggermistakewouldbetonotmakethemistakebecauthenyou'llgoyourwhole

nit,Imadeno

mistakes.I'vedoneall

ofthis:mylife,myrelationship,yofthismake

ntoyou?

Ted:Idon'tknow,yousaid'mistake'alot.

ComeOn[1.22]Edit

[TedandBarneyareinalibrarytryingtorecruit

Barney'sfriendPenelopeforaraindance]

Penelope:WhythehellshouldIhelpyou?

Barney:Comeon,Iknowitdidn'tworkoutbetweenus,butwedidhavea

relationship.

Penelope:hata

relationship?

Barney:Twice!

Penelope:[loudly]Barney,thereisnowayI'm-[studentshushesher]

Barney:Seriously,comeon.

Ted:Penelope,Ireallyneedtomakeitrainthisweekend.

Penelope:Why?

Ted:There'sthisgirl-

Penelope:Oh,there'sthisgirl!Youknowthetraditionalraindanceisasacred

prayertonature.I

don'tthinkthegreatspiritlookstookindlyonwhitedudeswhoco-optittoget

laid.

Ted:ButthisisthegirlIlove!Ifitdoesn'trainthisweekend,she'sgonnaend

upwiththewrongguy!Penelope:ugejackass?Ted:

Absolutely.

Penelope:KindalikeBarney?

Ted:Kinda.

Barney:Hey!

Penelope:Youhitonmymom!

Barney:Weweren'texclusive!

Penelope:[ToTed]I'min.

[TedgoestoRobin'sapartmentaftertherainsbegin]Ted:Robin!Hey!Robin!Oh,

thankGodyou'rehere!Robin:Mycampingtripgotrainedout!

Ted:Iknow,I'msorry.

Robin:It'snotyourfault?

Ted:Yeah,wnhere.

Robin:It'spouring!Youcomeup!

Ted:No,youhavetocomedownhere!

Robin:Why?

Ted:Why?BecauIMADEITRAIN!That'swhatIdid

today!Andthat'nough!I..I'vedonemypart,now

getdownhere!

Robin:I'mnotdresd,Ted!Nowcomeup!

Ted:I'mnotcomingupthere,Robin.I'mnot.

Youhavetocomedownhere!

[Robincontemplatesgoingoutside,looksattheblue

FrenchhornTedgaveher,

opensherdoortofindTed.]

Robin:Iwasgonna...

Ted:Iknow.[TedandRobinkiss]