here by my side

Mother:What’sgoingonhere?Whyareyouallhere?Whyaren’tyouallbackinthehen-hou?

Clarissa!Clarissa!Whereareyou?Ileftyouincharge.

Clarissa:(Flustered)……(pau)

Mother:Well?

Clarissa:Well,itwassuchalovelydayandoneofthemfoundaholeinthewiresowedecidedtogofora

t’?

Mother:re’eroutofthecoop,offintothecountry-

wegeteaten!HowmanytimeshaveIwarnedyouofthedangers?Therearewealsandstoatsandbadgers

andfoxes-nottomentionthewolf.

Chicken1:TheWolf?

Mother:arissa,whathaveyougottosayforyourlf?They

(indicatingchickens)ll,theyareonlychickenswithverysmallbrains.

(Chickensarealloverstage,somebeginningtowanderoff-callsout)Margaret,Christine,Penelope,

comebackhere-pleadon’twanderoff.

Clarissa:hemalltogetherverytidily,lheldhands-well,wings,evenwhen

wecrosdtheroad.

(Pau)

Mother:(Almostdumbstruck)Youcrosdtheroad?Youcrosdtheroad?Whydidthechickenscross

theroad?

All:(Toaudience)Altogethernow-togettotheotherside!

Mother:But…’,Idon’t

sa,I’ouonejobtodoand….

Clarissa:(Mutteringasshemovesaway)’can

’sonlyhuman.

Chicken1:Butyou’renot,areyou?’reachicken.

Clarissa:Oh!Sageandoniontoyou!

(Clarissamovesawayandsulks)

Wolf:(Oh,dinner!Mmmmm!Howdelightful!Imustsay,thisisasurpri-Inormallyhavetogoout

toeatbuttohaveitdelivered…ven’forgive

olf,knowntomyfriendsas…mmmmm…cometothinkofit,Idon’thaveanyfriends.

oubeavailableasdinnertonight…Imean,availablefordinnertonight?

(EnterLurch,rryingacookbook)

Lurch:(AgitatedoneingWolf)Master,Master!Whatareyoudoing?Rememberyourpromi.

Wolf:What?What…er…(innocently)Promi?

Lurch:Oh,Master,youdoremember,midyourGreatAuntDoreen.

Otherwishesaidshe’dcutyououtofherwill.

Wolf:(Sighs)Yes,you’reright,uldIdowithoutyou?(Toaudience)Ipromidmy

GreatAuntthatIwouldnoteatanymorepeopleandthat,infuture,mydietwouldconsistonlyofchickens.

TheSaundersdietshecallsit.

Lurch:(Toaudience)?ColonelSaunders?KFC-chickens?

Wolf:Yes,thankyouLurch,I’msuretheygetit.(Toaudience)Butit’

ns…well,theyalltendtotasteof…chicken.

Lurch:Idomybest,,mymateJamiegavemeacopyofhisnew

’ssomepukkarecipesinhere,ashe

wouldsay.(Flickingthroughbook)-Howaboutchickenwithcucumberinavinegarandcreamsauceor

there’sanotheroneherewithcorianderandlemongrasswhereyoubraithechickenbreastverygentlyina

sourcreamandchivesauceandrveonabedof……

Wolf:(Excitedly,lickinghislips)Enough,enough,,you’ktothe

ydon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou.I’llgoand…er...eifthe

maincourhasarrived.

Lurch:Ohyes,Master

Wolf:(Tochildinaudience)Sorry,n’tforgetyou,havenofearof

,it’sasplendiddaytobeawolf.(ExitWolfsingingashegoeswithahopandastep)Igetno

kickfromchampagne…

Red:YesFather.‘byeWalter.(Toaudience)Well,that’llbeanotherexcitingconversationtolookforward

to…aboutchickens,’sallanyoneevertalksaboutinthisvillage-chickens…unlessofcourit’s

goatsorcowsorsheeporpigs…orducks…’omeexcitementinmy

life.I’mnearlyeighteennow-I’llbenineteensoon-ugh!andthat’sold-muchtoooldforexcitementandsoon

I’llstarttogetwrinklyandI’llgogreyand….

(AnterTomtheWoodsman,lycoherent,hegoestopiecesintheprenceof

swhenheesher)

Tom:(Shyly)Er..hello.....How-howareyouthismorning?

Red:Oh,hello,Tom.I’mfine,thankyou-howareyou?

Tom:(Stutters)Fine,thankyou!Er..it’salovelyday,isn’tit?

Red:,Tom,doyougetboredlivinghere?Inthisvillage.

Tom:Bored?Howdoyoumean?

Red:Well,there’snotmuchtodo,there’’pletalkaboutis

chickens!

Tom:,thereisthedancetomorrownight-Iwondered...

Red:(Excited)Oyes!sI’llmeetmyprincethere-justlikeCinderella

(gettingalldreamy),thankyouTom,(kissinghimonthecheek)you’vereallycheered

meup.

Tom:So…youaregoingthen.

(Rednodsbutisnotlistening)

Tom:It’..whether..you…er..well…comewithme…er..maybe....

Red:(Excitedly)…WhatshallIwear?I’llhavetolookmybest‘cauyouneverknowwhoyou’llmeetdo

you!(Pau)Er,sorryTom,didyousaysomething?

Tom:(Downcast)g.I’ve..er..gottogotowork.

Red:(Offhand),ll,Ihave

r’sfair.I’llgoandaskhim!Well,

thanks,Tom.‘Bye.

(ExitRed)

Tom:‘Bye.(Sighs)WhydoIgotopieceswheneverItalktoher?ShemustthinkI’macompleteidiot!AllI

!Simple!Nothingtoit!

But….Idon’thavethistroublewithanyoneel,nottheothergirlsinthevillage-butIdon’twanttotakethem

..maybe…

Hood:Well,wegottadosomething,Walter…slikeIlostanotherchickenlastnight-that

makessixinthispastfortnight.

Walter:Aye…an’itlooksatthoughhe’stakenalikin’topigs‘n’mylittlepigletsgonemissin’.

Hood:(Shakeshishead)Wegottadosomethin’aboutthatwolfandnomistake

Walter:Wecouldputupsomeposters“NoWolvesAllowedintheWoods-orEl!”.

Hood:AttimesWalteryouareincrediblystupid!Whatifthewolfcan’tread?

Walter:Ah,I’adn’I’dbetter’aveaanotherthink.

Hood:Yes,youdothat.(Pau-thenquietlytohimlf)Hmmm…that’,Imust

go-there’ssomethingveryimportantI’vegottodo.I’lleyoulater.

Walter:Right’oSamuel.I’ll..er..justkeeponthinkin’like.

©2007byBobHammondPage2

Granny:Ooo,’’mnotbeingforward-that’

suitshim,don’tyouthink.(Verycoy)Yoo-hoo,darlingDoctor-ImeanDoctorDarling

Doc:(Peeringvainly)Who’sthat?

Granny:Why,it’sme,dear.(Takeshishandsandguidesthemoverherface)Recognime?

Doc:Errrmmm.

Granny:(Placinghisheadsonherboobs)Recognimenow?

Doc:Ah,GrannyHood.(Snatchinghishandaway)’re..er..differentfromother

women,aren’tyou.

Granny:,I’syou’

givemeanall-overmedicalexamination.

Doc:,I’mgladIbumpedintoyou-mymedicalfileonyouisincomplete-Ineed

someinformation.(Rummagesinbagandproducesnotebook)Perhapsyou’

tellme,wherewereyouborn?

Granny:London

Doc:Yesbutwhatpart?

Granny:Why,allofme,yousillyman.

Doc:Londoneh?eyouborninLondon?

Granny:ofthequestions.(Beingcoyagain)OhDoctor,youdon’t

understandme,doyou?Youdon’

,ekissfrommeandyou’llneverwantto

w,mensayI’malovelykisr.

Doc:(Playingfortime)Really!Andwheredidyoulearntokiss?

Granny:IudtosiphonpetroloutlorriesattheM6rviceswhenIwasyoung….ger!

(GrannyputsherarmaroundDoc)

Doc:Isay,that’sabigstrongarmyouhavethere.

Granny:’tIclever?ButthenI’mabigstronggirl,aren’tI?Idotryto

keepfit,atrampinthewoodverymorning.

Doc:Doyoureally?

Granny:Yesbuthealwaysrunsaway!Itookupcycling,youknow,butthatdidn’twork.

Doc:Ah,that’didn’titwork?

Granny:Mybikewastwotired!Getit-twotyred!SoIjoinedthelocalhealthclub,instead,youknow,running

machine,rowingmachine,press-ups,healthybreakfast-muesli,sweepingsoffthefloorofthebirdcage-muchthe

samething

Doc:WellImustsay,I’dyoustartallthis?

Granny:Tomorrow!

©2007byBobHammondPage3

(

confidentlybutblindlytocentrestage,turnsandfacesawayfromHood-posheroically)

Avenger:Iwillkillyourwolf

Hood:Likehim!Er…areyou?

(Onhearingvoice,AvengerturnsdramaticallytofaceHood-adoptsheroicpo)

Avenger:Iam…...TheHoodedAvenger.

Hood:sisyourregularlineofworkisit?

Avenger:IamaWolfSlayer,ferences.

Walter:(Whoisonothersideofhim)Really?Couldyoucomeandhavealookatmytoilet…?

(Avengerturnsdramaticallyonhearingvoicebehindhim-reachesoutbutgrabsthinair)

Avenger:Who'sthat?

(WaltermovesbehindandacrosstoHood’ssideasAvengerdrawshisswordandslashesblindlymovingacross

stage.)

Avenger:Whotrystotake….....TheHoodedAvengerbysurpri?hopthemintosmall

pieces….

Hood:MrAvenger,.

Avenger:…smallpieces…wheredidhego…I'llfindhim.I'm…....TheHoodedAvenger.

(Avengermoveswildlyacrossstage,&Walterhuddledtogetherincentre.)

Doc:Well,it’ssurgerytime.(Looksandfeelsaroundandcallsout)Nur!Where’smychair?Someone

hasstolenmychair!(Toaudience)Youknow,IhavetosharetheroomswiththeParishCouncil.(Calls)

Nur!(Toaudience)Whycan’tIhavemyownsurgery?!

(EnterNurSheisveryglamandverybusty,blondewig,veryshort,ws

gumandwigglesandpoutsandposherwayacrossstage,akslikean

Americangangster’chesDocjustasheturnsintoherchest…)

Nur:Er.....What'supDoc?

Doc:(Abitflustered)Ah,indmychairforme,willyou,there’sadear.

Nur:Surething,Doc

(ExitNurwigglingandpoutingherwayoffstage)

Doc:She’snotverybright,odnuratall-infactshe’’tthinkwhyI

,shedoeshavehergoodpointsIsuppo…allmypatientslikeher…well,themenanyway.

(Asre-enterNur,chestout,pushingwheel-chair)

Nur:Hereyougo,Doc.

Doc:(Feelinghiswayintochairandrealisingit’sawheelchair)What?Whatisthis?Thisisnotmy

chair!

(DuringaboveNurstandspatiently,ignoringDocbutflirtingwithaudience)

Doc:Well?

Nur:Wellwhat,Doc?

Doc:This…oh,andfindthefirstpatient,there’sadear.

Nur:SurethingDoc

(Nurpoutsandwigglesherwayoffstage,blowingkistc…asDocgetsintochair)

©2007byBobHammondPage4