复活 Resurrection 28（完）

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复活Resurrection28(完)
THEAWAKENING.
"Shamefulandstupid,horridandshameful!"Nekhludoffkeptsayingtohimlf,ashewalkedhomealongthefamiliarstreets.ThedepressionhehadfeltwhilstspeakingtoMissywouldnotleavehim.Hefeltthat,lookingatitexternally,asitwere,hewasintheright,forhehadneversaidanythingtoherthatcouldbeconsideredbinding,nevermadeheranoffer;butheknewthatinrealityhehadboundhimlftoher,hadpromidtobehers.Andyettodayhefeltwithhiswholebeingthathecouldnotmarryher.
"Shamefulandhorrid,horridandshameful!"herepeatedtohimlf,withreferencenotonlytohisrelationswithMissybutalsototherest."Everythingishorridandshameful,"hemuttered,ashesteppedintotheporchofhishou."Iamnotgoingtohaveanysupper,"hesaidtohismanrvantCorney,whofollowedhimintothediningroom,wheretheclothwaslaidforsupperandtea."Youmaygo."
"Yes,sir,"saidCorney,yethedidnotgo,butbeganclearingthesupperoffthetable.NekhludofflookedatCorneywithafeelingofillwill.Hewishedtobeleftalone,anditemedtohimthateverybodywasbotheringhiminordertospitehim.WhenCorneyhadgoneawaywiththesupperthings,Nekhludoffmovedtotheteaurnandwasabouttomakehimlfsometea,buthearingAgraphenaPetrovna'sfootsteps,hewenthurriedlyintothedrawingroom,toavoidbeingenbyher,andshutthedoorafterhim.Inthisdrawingroomhismotherhaddiedthreemonthsbefore.Onenteringtheroom,inwhichtwolampswithreflectorswereburning,onelightinguphisfather'sandtheotherhismother'sportrait,herememberedwhathislastrelationswithhismotherhadbeen.Andtheyalsoemedshamefulandhorrid.Herememberedhow,duringthelatterperiodofherillness,hehadsimplywishedhertodie.Hehadsaidtohimlfthathewisheditforhersake,thatshemightbereleadfromhersuffering,butinrealityhewishedtobereleadfromthesightofhersufferingsforhisownsake.
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Tryingtorecallapleasantimageofher,hewentuptolookatherportrait,paintedbyacelebratedartistfor800roubles.Shewasdepictedinaverylowneckedblackvelvetdress.Therewassomethingveryrevoltingandblasphemousinthisreprentationofhismotherasahalfnudebeauty.Itwasallthemoredisgustingbecauthreemonthsago,inthisveryroom,laythissamewoman,drieduptoamummy.Andherememberedhowafewdaysbeforeherdeathsheclaspedhishandwithherbony,discolouredfingers,lookedintohiyes,andsaid:"Donotjudgeme,Mitia,ifIhavenotdonewhatIshould,"andhowthetearscameintohereyes,grownpalewithsuffering.
"Ah,howhorrid!"hesaidtohimlf,lookinguponcemoreatthehalfnakedwoman,withthesplendidmarbleshouldersandarms,andthetriumphantsmileonherlips."Oh,howhorrid!"Thebaredshouldersoftheportraitremindedhimofanother,ayoungwoman,whomhehadenexpodinthesamewayafewdaysbefore.ItwasMissy,whohaddevidanexcuforcallinghimintoherroomjustasshewasreadytogotoaball,sothatheshouldeherinherballdress.Itwaswithdisgustthatherememberedherfineshouldersandarms."Andthatfatherofhers,withhisdoubtfulpastandhiscruelties,andthebelesprithermother,withherdoubtfulreputation."Allthisdisgustedhim,andalsomadehimfeelashamed."Shamefulandhorrid;horridandshameful!"
"No,no,"hethought;"freedomfromallthefalrelationswiththeKorchaginsandMaryVasilievnaandtheinheritanceandfromalltherestmustbegot.Oh,tobreathefreely,togoabroad,toRomeandworkatmypicture!"Herememberedthedoubtshehadabouthistalentforart."Well,nevermind;onlyjusttobreathefreely.FirstConstantinople,thenRome.Onlyjusttogetthroughwiththisjurybusiness,andarrangewiththeadvocatefirst."
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Thensuddenlytherearoinhismindanextremelyvividpictureofaprisonerwithblack,slightlysquintingeyes,andhowshebegantocrywhenthelastwordsoftheprisonershadbeenheard;andhehurriedlyputouthiscigarette,pressingitintotheashpan,litanother,andbeganpacingupanddowntheroom.Oneafteranotherthesceneshehadlivedthroughwithherroinhismind.Herecalledthatlastinterviewwithher.Herememberedthewhitedressandbluesash,theearlymass."Why,Ilovedher,reallylovedherwithagood,purelove,thatnight;Ilovedherevenbefore:yes,IlovedherwhenIlivedwithmyauntsthefirsttimeandwaswritingmycomposition."Andherememberedhimlfashehadbeenthen.Abreathofthatfreshness,youthandfulnessoflifeemedtotouchhim,andhegrewpainfullysad.Thedifferencebetweenwhathehadbeenthenandwhathewasnow,wanormousjustasgreat,ifnotgreaterthanthedifferencebetweenKatushainchurchthatnight,andtheprostitutewhohadbeencarousingwiththemerchantandwhomtheyjudgedthismorning.Thenhewasfreeandfearless,andinnumerablepossibilitieslayreadytoopenbeforehim;nowhefelthimlfcaughtinthemeshesofastupid,empty,valueless,frivolouslife,outofwhichhesawnomeansofextricatinghimlfevenifhewishedto,whichhehardlydid.Herememberedhowproudhewasatonetimeofhisstraightforwardness,howhehadmadearuleofalwaysspeakingthetruth,andreallyhadbeentruthful;andhowhewasnowsunkdeepinlies:inthemostdreadfulofliesliesconsideredasthetruthbyallwhosurroundedhim.And,asfarashecoulde,therewasnowayoutofthelies.Hehadsunkinthemire,gotudtoit,indulgedhimlfinit.
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HowwashetobreakoffhisrelationswithMaryVasilievnaandherhusbandinsuchawayastobeabletolookhimandhischildrenintheeyes?HowdintanglehimlffromMissy?Howchoobetweenthetwooppositestherecognitionthatholdinglandwasunjustandtheheritagefromhismother?HowatoneforhissinagainstKatusha?Thislast,atanyrate,couldnotbeleftasitwas.Hecouldnotabandonawomanhehadloved,andsatisfyhimlfbypayingmoneytoanadvocatetosaveherfromhardlabourinSiberia.Shehadnotevendervedhardlabour.Atoneforafaultbypayingmoney?Hadhenotthen,whenhegaveherthemoney,thoughthewasatoningforhisfault?
Andheclearlyrecalledtomindthatmomentwhen,havingcaughtherupinthepassage,hethrustthemoneyintoherbibandranaway."Oh,thatmoney!"hethoughtwiththesamehorroranddisgusthehadthenfelt."Oh,dear!oh,dear!howdisgusting,"hecriedaloudashehaddonethen."Onlyascoundrel,aknave,coulddosuchathing.AndIamthatknave,thatscoundrel!"Hewentonaloud:"Butisitpossible?"hestoppedandstoodstill"isitpossiblethatIamreallyascoundrel?...Well,whobutI?"heansweredhimlf."Andthen,isthistheonlything?"hewenton,convictinghimlf."WasnotmyconducttowardsMaryVasilievnaandherhusbandbaanddisgusting?Andmypositionwithregardtomoney?Tourichesconsideredbymeunlawfulonthepleathattheyareinheritedfrommymother?Andthewholeofmyidle,detestablelife?AndmyconducttowardsKatushatocrownall?Knaveandscoundrel!Letmenjudgemeastheylike,Icandeceivethem;butmylfIcannotdeceive."
And,suddenly,heunderstoodthattheaversionhehadlately,andparticularlytoday,feltforeverybodythePrinceandSophiaVasilievnaandCorneyandMissywasanaversionforhimlf.And,strangetosay,inthisacknowledgementofhisbanesstherewassomethingpainfulyetjoyfulandquieting.
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MorethanonceinNekhludoff'slifetherehadbeenwhathecalleda"cleansingofthesoul."By"cleansingofthesoul"hemeantastateofmindinwhich,afteralongperiodofsluggishinnerlife,atotalcessationofitsactivity,hebegantoclearoutalltherubbishthathadaccumulatedinhissoul,andwasthecauofthecessationofthetruelife.Hissoulneededcleansingasawatchdoes.AftersuchanawakeningNekhludoffalwaysmadesomerulesforhimlfwhichhemeanttofollowforeverafter,wrotehisdiary,andbeganafreshalifewhichhehopednevertochangeagain."Turningoveranewleaf,"hecalledittohimlfinEnglish.Buteachtimethetemptationsoftheworldentrappedhim,andwithoutnoticingithefellagain,oftenlowerthanbefore.
Thushehadveraltimesinhisliferaidandcleandhimlf.Thefirsttimethishappenedwasduringthesummerhespentwithhisaunts;thatwashismostvitalandrapturousawakening,anditffectshadlastedsometime.Anotherawakeningwaswhenhegaveupcivilrviceandjoinedthearmyatwartime,readytosacrificehislife.Butherethechokingupprocesswassoonaccomplished.Thenanawakeningcamewhenheleftthearmyandwentabroad,devotinghimlftoart.
Fromthattimeuntilthisdayalongperiodhadelapdwithoutanycleansing,andthereforethediscordbetweenthedemandsofhisconscienceandthelifehewasleadingwasgreaterthanithadeverbeenbefore.Hewashorrorstruckwhenhesawhowgreatthedivergencewas.Itwassogreatandthedefilementsocompletethathedespairedofthepossibilityofgettingcleand."Haveyounottriedbeforetoperfectyourlfandbecomebetter,andnothinghascomeofit?"whisperedthevoiceofthetempterwithin."Whatistheuoftryinganymore?Areyoutheonlyone?Allarealike,suchislife,"whisperedthevoice.Butthefreespiritualbeing,whichaloneistrue,alonepowerful,aloneeternal,hadalreadyawakenedinNekhludoff,andhecouldnotbutbelieveit.Enormousthoughthedistancewasbetweenwhathewishedtobeandwhathewas,nothingappearedinsurmountabletothenewlyawakenedspiritualbeing.
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"AtanycostIwillbreakthisliewhichbindsmeandconfesverything,andwilltelleverybodythetruth,andactthetruth,"hesaidresolutely,aloud."IshalltellMissythetruth,tellherIamaprofligateandcannotmarryher,andhaveonlyulesslyupther.IshalltellMaryVasilievna...Oh,thereisnothingtotellher.IshalltellherhusbandthatI,scoundrelthatIam,havebeendeceivinghim.Ishalldispooftheinheritanceinsuchawayastoacknowledgethetruth.Ishalltellher,Katusha,thatIamascoundrelandhavesinnedtowardsher,andwilldoallIcantoeaherlot.Yes,Iwilleher,andwillaskhertoforgiveme.
"Yes,Iwillbegherpardon,aschildrendo."...Hestopped"willmarryherifnecessary."Hestoppedagain,foldedhishandsinfrontofhisbreastasheudtodowhenalittlechild,liftedhiyes,andsaid,addressingsomeone:"Lord,helpme,teachme,comeenterwithinmeandpurifymeofallthisabomination."
Heprayed,askingGodtohelphim,toenterintohimandcleanhim;andwhathewasprayingforhadhappenedalready:theGodwithinhimhadawakenedhisconsciousness.HefelthimlfonewithHim,andthereforefeltnotonlythefreedom,fulnessandjoyoflife,butallthepowerofrighteousness.All,allthebestthatamancoulddohefeltcapableofdoing.
Hiyesfilledwithtearsashewassayingallthistohimlf,goodandbadtears:goodbecautheyweretearsofjoyattheawakeningofthespiritualbeingwithinhim,thebeingwhichhadbeenasleepalltheyears;andbadtearsbecautheyweretearsoftendernesstohimlfathisowngoodness.
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Hefelthot,andwenttothewindowandopenedit.Thewindowopenedintoagarden.Itwasamoonlit,quiet,freshnight;avehiclerattledpast,andthenallwasstill.Theshadowofatallpoplarfellonthegroundjustoppositethewindow,andalltheintricatepatternofitsbarebrancheswasclearlydefinedonthecleansweptgravel.Tothelefttheroofofacoachhoushonewhiteinthemoonlight,infronttheblackshadowofthegardenwallwasvisiblethroughthetangledbranchesofthetrees.
Nekhludoffgazedattheroof,themoonlitgarden,andtheshadowsofthepoplar,anddrankinthefresh,invigoratingair.
"Howdelightful,howdelightful;oh,God,howdelightful"hesaid,meaningthatwhichwasgoingoninhissoul.
“又可耻又可憎,又可憎又可耻,”聂赫留朵夫沿着熟悉的街道步行回家,一路上反复想着。刚才他同米西谈话时的沉重心情到现在始终没有消除。他觉得,表面上看来——如果可以这样说的话,——他对她并没有什么过错:他从没有对她说过什么对自己有约束力的话,也没有向她求过婚,但他觉得实际上他已经同她联系在一起,已经答应过她了。然而今天他从心里感觉到,他无法同她结婚。“又可耻又可憎,又可憎又可耻,”他反复对自己说,不仅指他同米西的关系,而且指所有的事。“一切都是又可憎又可耻,”他走到自己家的大门口,又暗自说了一遍。
“晚饭我不吃了,”他对跟着他走进餐厅(餐厅里已经准备好餐具和茶了)的侍仆柯尔尼说,“你去吧。”
“是,”柯尔尼说,但他没有走,却动手收拾桌上的东西。聂赫留朵夫瞧着柯尔尼,觉得他很讨厌。他希望谁也别来打扰他,让他安静一下,可是大家似乎都有意跟他作对,偏偏缠住他不放。等到柯尔尼拿着餐具走掉,聂赫留朵夫刚要走到茶炊旁去斟茶,忽然听见阿格拉芬娜的脚步声,他慌忙走到客厅里,随手关上门,免得同她见面。这个做客厅的房间就是三个月前他母亲去世的地方。这会儿,他走进这个灯光明亮的房间,看到那两盏装有反光镜的灯,一盏照着他父亲的画像,另一盏照着他母亲的画像,他不禁想起了他同母亲最后一段时间的关系。他觉得这关系是不自然的,令人憎恶的。这也是又可耻又可憎。他想到,在她害病的后期他简直巴不得她死掉。他对自己说,他这是希望她早日摆脱痛苦,其实是希望自己早日摆脱她,免得看见她那副痛苦的模样。
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他存心唤起自己对她美好的回忆,就瞧了瞧她的画像,那是花五千卢布请一位名家画成的。她穿着黑丝绒连衣裙,袒露着胸部。画家显然有意要充分描绘高耸的胸部、双乳之间的肌肤和美丽迷人的肩膀和脖子。这可实在是又可耻又可憎。把他的母亲画成半*美女,这就带有令人难堪和亵渎的味道。尤其令人难堪的是,三个月前这女人就躺在这个房间里,她当时已干瘪得象一具木乃伊,却还散发出一股极难闻的味道。这股味道不仅充溢这个房间,而且弥漫在整座房子里,怎么也无法消除。他仿佛觉得至今还闻到那股味道。于是他想起,在她临终前一天,她用她那枯瘦发黑的手抓住他强壮白净的手,同时盯住他的眼睛说:“米哈伊尔,要是我有什么不对的地方,你不要责怪我,”说着她那双痛苦得失去光辉的眼睛里涌出了泪水。“多么可憎!”他望了望那长着象大理石一般美丽的肩膀和胳膊、露出得意扬扬的笑容的半*美女,又一次自言自语。画像上袒露的胸部使他想起了另一个年轻得多的女人,几天前他看到她也这样*露着胸部和肩膀。那个女人就是米西。那天晚上她找了一个借口把他叫去,为的是让他看看她去赴舞会时穿上舞会服装的模样。他想到她那白嫩的肩膀和胳膊,不禁有点反感。此外还有她那个粗鲁好色的父亲、他可耻的经历和残忍的行为,以及声名可疑的爱说俏皮话的母亲。这一切都很可憎,同时也很可耻。真是又可耻又可憎,又可憎又可耻。
“不行,不行,必须摆脱……必须摆脱同柯察金一家人和玛丽雅的虚伪关系,抛弃遗产,抛弃一切不合理的东西……
对,要自由自在地生活。到国外去,到罗马去,去学绘画……”他想到他怀疑自己有这种才能。“哦,那也没关系,只要能自由自在地生活就行。先到君士坦丁堡,再到罗马,但必须赶快辞去陪审员职务。还得同律师