朗读者5

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朗读者5
AWEEKLATERIwasstandingatherdooragain.
ForaweekIhadtriednottothinkabouther.ButIhadnothingeltooccupyordistractme;thedoctorwasnotreadytoletmegobacktoschool,Iwasboredstiffwithbooksaftermonthsofreading,andalthoughfriendsstillcametoeme,Ihadbeensickforsolongthattheirvisitscouldnolongerbridgethegapbetweentheirdailylivesandmine,andbecameshorterandshorter.Iwassuppodtogoforwalks,alittlefurthereachday,withoutoverexertingmylf.Icouldhaveudtheexertion.
Beingillwhenyouareachildorgrowingupissuchanenchantedinterlude!Theoutsideworld,theworldoffreetimeintheyardorthegardenoronthestreet,isonlyadistantmurmurinthesickroom.Inside,awholeworldofcharactersandstoriesproliferatesoutofthebooksyouread.Thefeverthatweakensyourperceptionasitsharpensyourimaginationturnsthesickroomintosomeplacenew,bothfamiliarandstrange;monsterscomegrinningoutofthepatternsonthecurtainsandthecarpet,andchairs,tables,bookcas,andwardrobesburstoutoftheirnormalshapesandbecomemountainsandbuildingsandshipsyoucanalmosttouchalthoughthey’refaraway.Throughthelonghoursofthenightyouhavethechurchclockforcompanyandtherumbleoftheoccasionalpassingcarthatthrowsitsheadlightsacrossthewallsandceiling.Thearehourswithoutsleep,whichisnottosaythatthey’resleepless,becauonthecontrary,they’renotaboutlackofanything,they’rerichandfull.Desires,memories,fears,passionsformlabyrinthsinwhichweloandfindandthenloourlvesagain.Theyarehourswhenanythingispossible,goodorbad.
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Thispassasyougetbetter.Butiftheillnesshaslastedlongenough,thesickroomisimpregnatedwithitandalthoughyou’reconvalescingandthefeverhasgone,youarestilltrappedinthelabyrinth.
Iawokeeverydayfeelingguilty,sometimeswithmypajamapantsdamporstained.Theimagesandscenesinmydreamswerenotright.IknewIwouldnotbescoldedbymymother,orthepastorwhohadinstructedmeformyconfirmationandwhomIadmired,orbymyoldersisterwhowastheconfidanteofallmychildhoodcrets.Buttheywouldlecturemewithlovingconcern,whichwasworthanbeingscolded.ItwasparticularlywrongthatwhenIwasnotjustidlydreaming,Iactivelyfantasizedimagesandscenes.
Idon’tknowwhereIfoundthecouragetogobacktoFrauSchmitz.Didmymoralupbringingsomehowturnagainstitlf?Iflookingatsomeonewithdesirewasasbadassatisfyingthedesire,ifhavinganactivefantasywasasbadastheactyouwerefantasizing—thenwhynotthesatisfactionandtheactitlf?Asthedayswenton,IdiscoveredthatIcouldn’tstopthinkingsinfulthoughts.InwhichcaIalsowantedthesinitlf.
Therewasanotherwaytolookatit.Goingtheremightbedangerous.Butitwasobviouslyimpossibleforthedangertoactitlfout.FrauSchmitzwouldgreetmewithsurpri,listentomeapologizeformystrangebehavior,andamicablysaygoodbye.Itwasmoredangerousnottogo;Iwasrunningtheriskofbecomingtrappedinmyownfantasies.SoIwasdoingtherightthingbygoing.Shewouldbehavenormally,Iwouldbehavenormally,andeverythingwouldbenormalagain.
ThatishowIrationalizeditbackthen,makingmydesireanentryinastrangemoralaccounting,andsilencingmybadconscience.ButthatwasnotwhatgavemethecouragetogotoFrauSchmitz.Itwasonethingtotellmylfthatmymother,myadmiredpastor,andmyoldersisterwouldnottrytostopmeiftheyreallythoughtaboutit,butwouldinfactinsistthatIgo.Actuallygoingwassomethingelagain.Idon’tknowwhyIdidit.ButtodayIcanrecognizethateventsbackthenwerepartofalifelongpatterninwhichthinkinganddoinghaveeithercometogetherorfailedtocometogether—Ithink,Ireachaconclusion,Iturntheconclusionintoadecision,andthenIdiscoverthatactingonthedecisionissomethingelentirely,andthatdoingsomayproceedfromthedecision,butthenagainitmaynot.OftenenoughinmylifeIhavedonethingsIhadnotdecidedtodo.Something—whateverthatmaybe—goesintoaction;“it”goestothewomanIdon’twanttoeanymore,“it”makestheremarktothebossthatcostsmemyhead,“it”keepsonsmokingalthoughIhavedecidedtoquit,andthenquitssmokingjustwhenI’veacceptedthefactthatI’masmokerandalwayswillbe.Idon’tmeantosaythatthinkingandreachingdecisionshavenoinfluenceonbehavior.Butbehaviordoesnotmerelyenactwhateverhasalreadybeenthoughtthroughanddecided.Ithasitsownsources,andismybehavior,quiteindependently,justasmythoughtsaremythoughts,andmydecisionsmydecisions.
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一个星期以后,我又站在了她的门口。
我试了一个星期不去想她。可我又无所事事,没有任何事情可以转移我的注意力,医生还不允许我去上学。读了几个月书以后,读书也令我感到厌倦。朋友们虽然来看我,但我已经病了这么久,他们的来访已经不能在我们之间的日常生活中架起桥梁,再说,他们逗留的时间也越来越短。他们说我该去散步,一天比一天多走一点,又不要累着。其实,我需要这种累。
童年和少年时代生病是多么讨厌!外部世界,庭院里、花园里或大街上的休闲世界的喧嚣只是隐隐约约地传到病房中。里面的病人在阅读,书中的历史和人物世界在屋里滋长。发烧使知觉减弱,使幻想敏锐,病房成了新的即熟悉又陌生的房间。蓬莱蕉在窗帘上显出它的图案,墙壁纸在做鬼脸,桌子、椅子、书架和衣柜堆积如山,像楼房,像轮船,它们近得触手可及,但又十分遥远。伴随病人们度过漫长夜晚的是教堂的钟声,是偶尔开过的汽车的鸣笛声和它的前灯反射到墙上和被子上的灯光。那是些无限但并非失眠的夜晚,不是空虚而是充实的夜晚。病人们时而渴望什么,时而沉浸在回忆中,时而又充满恐惧,时而又快乐不已,这是些好事坏事都可能发生的夜晚。
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如果病人的病情有所好转,这种情形就会减少。但如果病人久病不愈,那么.病房就会笼罩上这种气氛,即使是不发烧也会产生这种错乱。
我每天早上醒来都问心有愧,有时睡裤潮湿污*,因为梦中的情景不正经。我知道,母亲,还有我所尊敬的、为我施坚信礼的牧师以及我可以向其倾吐我童年时代秘密的姐姐,他们都不会责怪我,相反,他们会以一种慈爱的、关心的方式来安慰我。但对我来说,安慰比责怪更让我难受。特别不公平的是,如果不能在梦中被动他梦到那些情景,我就会主动地去想象。
我不知道,我哪儿来的勇气去了史密芝女士那儿。难道道德教育在一定程度上适得其反吗?如果贪婪的目光像肉欲的满足一样恶劣,如果主动想象和幻想行为一样下流的话,那么,为什么不选择肉欲的满足和幻想的行为呢?我一天比一天地清楚,我无法摆脱这种邪念。这样,我决定把邪念付诸行动。
我有一个顾虑,认为去她那儿一定会很危险。但实际上不可能发生这种危险。史密芝女士将会对我的出现表示惊讶,但她会欢迎我,听我为那天的反常行为向她道歉,然后和我友好地告别。不去才危险呢,不去我就会陷入危险的幻想中而不能自拔。去是对的,她的举止会很正常,我的举止也会很正常,一切都会重新正常起来。
就这样,我当时理智地把我的***变成了少见的道德考虑,而把内疚隐而不宣。但这并没有给我勇气去史密芝女士那儿。我想,母亲、尊敬的牧师还有姐姐在仔细考虑后不阻止我,反而鼓励我到她那儿去,这是一回事;真的到她那儿去却完全是另一回事。我不知道我为什么去了。现在,在当时发生的事情中我看到了一种模式,一种我的思想和行为始终都没有跳出的模式:凡事我先思考,然后得出一种结论,在做决定时坚持这种结论,然后才知道,做事有其自身的规律,它可能跟着决定走,但也可能不跟着它走。在我的一生中,我做了许多我没有决定去做的事,而有许多我决定去做的事却没去做。但不管做什么都在做。我去见了我不想再见到的女人,在审判长面前拼命地解释一些问题,尽管我决定戒烟了,而且也放弃了吸烟,但当我意识到我是个吸烟者并且想要保持这种状态时,我又继续吸烟了。我不是说思维和决定对行为没有影响,但行为并非总是按事先想好或已决定的那样发生。行为有它自己的方式,同样我的行为也有它自己独特的方式,就像我的思想就是我的思想,我的决定就是我的决定一样。
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